(no subject)
update:
before last week, (ohholyshitwasitreallyjustlastweek??) i had never seen a panic attack. i had never called the police on my friend to try to save their life, and i had never hated connecticut so much. Backup- so i had made a choice based on what i felt was best for myself and present company. this choice affected another person in a negative way. bottom line is that i drove to new jersey and back to boston thursday night and friday morning/night, and it contained two (almost?)suicide attempts from another state, and several panic attacks right there in connecticut. but they are okay, everyone is alive and will be okay, and i am getting to be okay.
i feel like i was being tested, but in the worst way.
i don't like not knowing whether someone will be alive the following day. and i physically/emotionally/et cet, cannot take having that hanging over me. especially not when the guilt and blame can be put on me. so i am stepping back. i don't know exactly how i feel, just that i was beyond angry. beyond. what i did, i called it selfish, but i really don't know that i believe it was, and i am still angry that i need to justify my actions. and now i feel as though things need to work themselves out, and without me. so yeah. stepped back.
beyond that:
1. my dad is now a diabetic apparently. and his blood sugar was off the charts, he was ridiculously dehydrated, and his Na- and K+ levels are still way off. he got to the hospital before he could fall into cardiac arrhythmia (slash, dysrhythmia). he's still there, probably will be for another day or two, but he will be okay.
2. everyone has changed here, and i'm not going to chase people. i miss them, but i really can wait for the movie, if they want to do their own things. i'm done chasing people-i'm tired.
3. my job promoted me for this summer, i'll be in upper leadership, which means more dough, and i'll get to do what i wanted to do all around.
4. i got my job at the diner back for the time i'm home. better than sitting around.
5. the saturn is now very cleaned up and fixed up, he is pretty looking and all. reilly is not totally unpacked, but she is cleaned on the outside, and i have cleaned out most of the food spilled during panic attack # whatever. she smells like bad, but she will soon smell like wildflowers or some crap. neat.
6. my sinus attack has not let up since i have been home.
7. i love my dog dearly, but it makes me sad he is slowing down.
8. i have looked wicked effing dykey since i got home, and i finally don't care.
i miss ec, prior to the month of may, however. i miss it.
p.s. - i reallyfuckinghate circumstance. seriously.
before last week, (ohholyshitwasitreallyjustlastweek??) i had never seen a panic attack. i had never called the police on my friend to try to save their life, and i had never hated connecticut so much. Backup- so i had made a choice based on what i felt was best for myself and present company. this choice affected another person in a negative way. bottom line is that i drove to new jersey and back to boston thursday night and friday morning/night, and it contained two (almost?)suicide attempts from another state, and several panic attacks right there in connecticut. but they are okay, everyone is alive and will be okay, and i am getting to be okay.
i feel like i was being tested, but in the worst way.
i don't like not knowing whether someone will be alive the following day. and i physically/emotionally/et cet, cannot take having that hanging over me. especially not when the guilt and blame can be put on me. so i am stepping back. i don't know exactly how i feel, just that i was beyond angry. beyond. what i did, i called it selfish, but i really don't know that i believe it was, and i am still angry that i need to justify my actions. and now i feel as though things need to work themselves out, and without me. so yeah. stepped back.
beyond that:
1. my dad is now a diabetic apparently. and his blood sugar was off the charts, he was ridiculously dehydrated, and his Na- and K+ levels are still way off. he got to the hospital before he could fall into cardiac arrhythmia (slash, dysrhythmia). he's still there, probably will be for another day or two, but he will be okay.
2. everyone has changed here, and i'm not going to chase people. i miss them, but i really can wait for the movie, if they want to do their own things. i'm done chasing people-i'm tired.
3. my job promoted me for this summer, i'll be in upper leadership, which means more dough, and i'll get to do what i wanted to do all around.
4. i got my job at the diner back for the time i'm home. better than sitting around.
5. the saturn is now very cleaned up and fixed up, he is pretty looking and all. reilly is not totally unpacked, but she is cleaned on the outside, and i have cleaned out most of the food spilled during panic attack # whatever. she smells like bad, but she will soon smell like wildflowers or some crap. neat.
6. my sinus attack has not let up since i have been home.
7. i love my dog dearly, but it makes me sad he is slowing down.
8. i have looked wicked effing dykey since i got home, and i finally don't care.
i miss ec, prior to the month of may, however. i miss it.
p.s. - i reallyfuckinghate circumstance. seriously.