i just dont care anymore.
So if you don't mind
I think I'll wear my heart on my sleeve,
Ugh. I don’t know where to start. I don’t update anymore bc I figure know one really cares and basically bc ill just complain about the same old things. Plus, I don’t know how to express myself anymore. Or did I ever really. I guess after so long you become numb to feelings. Feelings of loneliness, rejection, and confusion…
…..Ah forget it, I realized I don’t really want to talk about this after all. Theres a huge knot in my throat and I cant cry right now, cuz there would go my makeup and I have to go and see ppl tonight.
I cant talk to my mom. I never have been able to. Yah, we joke around a lot, but when it comes to being serious and talking about feelings, that’s a no go with her. I wish it wasn’t that way. She keeps asking her whats wrong and she knows im lying when I say no. im sorry. I really do want to crawl into your arms and cry like a baby. Like I am now. So much for not messing up my makeup.
I cant talk to you either. I want to spend a weekend talking to you too. I hate being jealous and I hate the fact that things arent the way they used to be. I hate that you don’t seem to care. Or even ask. And this is my fault. It always is.
I wish ppl didn’t bother me so much. I am the most negative person when its comes to ppl who annoy me even in the slightest way. These dirty looks and comments I make are becoming too natural. What a waste. I could be so much happier and positive if I just went with the flow and didn’t complain constantly. Im sorry.
Im sorry that I don’t smile more. I have so many reasons to. Help me to see them.
But really all of this boils down to one thing. I don’t take change very well. I get used to the way things are and when something goes wrong. I don’t know how to deal. Maybe this is where its supposed to end.
I need to start completely over. Im worn down and im tired and I need a break.
Or maybe this is all just the after effects of accutane talking. Are there supposed to be after effects? Hmm
In other news..
-I got a car yay
-For those of you who STILL havent noticed, I did get my nose pierced. I dunno, it took some ppl awhile to realize.
-Im done with accutane. Do I look any different.
-Ive been making up for lost time when it comes to eating haha
-My d+ in chem went up to a c+. I guess that’s something to smile about.
-And Id like to know how I went from being ranked 36 to 54. Thanks mr. Eichner.
-Im going to casa. Im a little hesitant, but ive decided to just do it.