i storm and crash without a sound
So,
School today was pretty good, for the first time since Tuesday, I wasn't on the verge of tears in every class, and slowly the desire to wallow in self-pity is going away.
Afterschool I got into a 'fight' with Andrew that I regret now, because I'm not usually so hypersensitive and/or bitchy, I should have kept my mouth shut.
Unfortunately, after that the day started going downhill again. My dad was home and in a bad mood...factor that into our already strained relationship = bad.
As soon as I walked through the door he decided it to ask me about my grades in Physics and Calc, which are both B's, and of course "bad grades" = no job
no job= no guarantee/smaller chances of going to germany, not to mention that i love working and its too much of a release for me to quit
and I have slacked off with school, but its not because of work, its because i'm exhausted of school and all their (parentals) fucking pressure and now with SATs in March it just keeps getting worse, but they just dont get that the more they push me, the worse I do...and I thought that if I did well on the old SAT then maybe things would get easier, but no, its always, "well that's okay, but why didnt you do better?"
I feel like I've already lost one thing that made me so happy, I can't imagine losing anymore, especially a job that I love so much...fuck the whole, you shouldnt place so much value on things that don't "really matter," because they do, and once you have those "happy places" its really hard to adjust to things without them.
And I feel incredibly guilty for being so openly depressed, I promise, I'm getting better with it and I'm really sorry if my negativity is annoying, I really am trying to work on it, but feel free to tell me to shut up whenever, I really am sorry if you have to deal with me.
Hopefully everything will turn out okay, I hate being unhappy and I was actually kinda enjoying being in a good mood, so I'll try and stay optimistic for now...wow this has been a long entry
( and aww, and my math teacher just called me to see if I was okay. i love her... i really do. sigh. that made my day and made me want to cry at the same time...i love phone calls)
maybe i'll have time to paint today :)