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I’ve been avoiding writing this blog for days because I honestly don’t think I can properly put into words the experience of seeing The Dresden Dolls live in St. Louis. Even though I’ve always been extremely long-winded, it’s usually not very hard for me to put what I’m feeling into words. But this is different. This is something I’ve been waiting for and dreaming about for five years. This is the band whose music guided me through the worst and most difficult year of my life. This is the band that has the amazingly talented, sexy BEAST of a drummer named Brian Viglione. This is the band that has Amanda. Fucking. Palmer. I’m sure a lot of people feel this way about musicians they love and admire, but I almost feel like, assuming souls exist, that Amanda and I share at least one single fragment of the same soul. It’s like she’s taken indescribable things I’ve thought and felt so many times and put them into words when I never could. She made things intangible things into something tangible. I have her lyrics tattooed on my back for fuck’s sake. At this point, I think it would be an understatement to say that this show was extremely important to me.
I spent a lot of money on this trip and even put aside my intense fear of driving on the interstate. I’m overdrawn in the bank. I think I have nerve damage in my back from the 10 hour (round trip) drive. I would not change a single thing. It was my first Dresden Dolls show and I can only hope that they’ll do another tour and that it won’t be my last.
When Peggy and I arrived at the venue, we parked near their tour bus and when we got out of my car, we could vaguely hear the sound check from inside. At that moment, I was still in disbelief that they were probably within a hundred feet of me. I just couldn’t see them. But I could hear them. It seemed surreal. We found the line to get in early pretty quickly. Since we were 21, we got to wait in line in the bar and have drinks. Even just standing there waiting in line seemed insane. I could not believe it was finally happening. When they finally let us in, Peggy and I promptly headed toward the front of the stage. At first Peggy was pressed right against the stage since she was shorter, but we ended up switching places. I could see Brian’s drum set and Amanda’s keyboard, Kurt Weill, flowers, and all. While we were waiting for the opening band to come on, I felt nauseous and faint. I don’t know if it was excitement and nerves or if it had to do with the long drive, but I was terrified it would ruin the show for me. Luckily, it didn’t. It was almost as if I willed myself to feel better. I had no other option.
Before the opening band, they were playing Music To Strip By, a record I have in my collection, over the loud speaker. It seemed like a good omen.
After what seemed like forever, Sleepy Kitty, the opening band, finally started playing. I was pleasantly surprised at how adorable the lead singer was and at what a great singer she was. She played guitar and keyboard to boot! And then I noticed vocals coming from some unknown place. That made me look down to her feet where, to my absolute delight, I saw her pressing a looping pedal. I’m a HUGE sucker for looping pedals. Imogen Heap, Owen Pallet, etc. The drummer was great too. At one point he walked all the way around his drum kit while playing. They weren’t the Dresden Dolls, but I would love to see them play again.
After they played, Amanda came out onto the stage in her regular clothes and not her stage outfit to tell us where we could buy merch before or after the show because it was kind of hidden. When I saw her, I almost stopped breathing. I read about another fan’s concert experience the other day and she said she was hit with an overwhelming sense of happiness about the fact that Amanda was actually real. I could not explain it any better. There was something so comforting about the fact that she was a real, flesh and blood person and not just an image on a computer screen. That may sound creepy, but that’s exactly how I felt. After telling us about the merch, she told us that they would be starting the show in about 30 minutes. I was so excited that those 30 minutes felt like 30 years somehow.
But it finally started. They walked out onto the stage, chucked flowers into the crowd as usual, and started the set. Brian looked somehow sexier than I thought he would in real life. And Amanda. She can only be seen to be believed. She was wearing a dress made out of MOTHER FUCKING POWER RANGER BED SHEETS with a sparkly gold bra underneath. I don’t think I need to say any more than that.
From the very moment they came on the stage, I had this very strange feeling that I can only describe as being bittersweet. I was beyond ecstatic to finally be seeing them. On the other hand, I was already sad. Because I knew that it was going to end. Each second that ticked by during the show seemed wonderful and depressing at the same time. I knew that even though I was having a good time, it was only closer and closer to the time when it would all be over, to when it would all seem like it was a perfect dream, to the time I would have to go back home to reality and my job that I hate.
But I made the absolute best of it.
I don’t think I stopped smiling or singing or moving the entire time. During a couple of songs, I started crying. Even when I was crying, I was smiling.
Normally before I go to any concert, I always make a “dream setlist” playlist a couple of weeks before the show. I didn’t even do that this time because when I tried, I realized that absolutely nothing they could have played would disappoint me.
Setlist:
1. Cosmic Dancer (T. Rex cover)
2. Good Day
3. Gravity
4. Night Reconnaissance
5. Missed Me
6. Bad Habit
7. Mrs. O
8. Two-Headed Boy (Neutral Milk Hotel cover)
9. Pierre (Carole King cover)
10. (Free bird teaser) + Boston (fan request)
11. Coin-Operated Boy
12. Backstabber
13. Ultima Esperanza
14. The Perfect Fit (fan request)
15. The Jeep Song
16. Mandy Goes to Med School
17.Pirate Jenny (From The Threepenny Opera)
18. Girl Anachronism
Encore:
19. Mein Herr (From Cabaret)
20. Sing
21. Half Jack
The T. Rex cover was absolutely beautiful. I think I held my breath through most of that song out of sheer excitement. They stood in the center of the stage, Amanda singing and Brian playing the acoustic guitar.
After that, Amanda went to her keyboard and Brian went to his drums and they fucking ripped into Good Day. That’s when the show really started. That was one of the first songs I heard by them and one of the most played songs during that one terrible year that I had. I could have died right then.
I was really excited to hear Night Reconnaissance live after all of those years of it being my ring tone. It was amazing.
Their Two-Headed Boy cover was one of the best parts of the show for me. I was excited enough that they were playing it. It was similar to Cosmic Dancer with Amanda singing and Brian playing acoustic guitar. But about halfway through the song, Amanda walked out into the crowd. It was pretty cool, and I had no idea what to expect from her next. Brian continued playing away onstage while Amanda walked around in the audience. Then suddenly I noticed some commotion close to me and realized that the crowd was parting and her voice was coming closer and closer to me. Then I saw her. Her hand was outstretched toward the stage, her eyes never leaving Brian. People around me, including myself, reached out to touch her outstretched hand. I was the last person to touch her hand. It was cool and surreal. But touching her hand didn’t feel like my moment. I almost felt guilty for interrupting what seemed like a really emotional moment going on between her and Brian. And then she walked right past me and Peggy and leaned against the stage. Brian leaned off the stage toward her, she was still singing, he was still playing. She reached out and touched Brian’s face and he smiled. They touched their heads together and when she put her hand on the stage, he knelt down and kissed it. It was by far the coolest thing that I’ve ever seen at a concert. I was still in the front row pressed against the stage and there was only one person standing between me and her. That’s how close I was to her. I know people joke about “shaking and crying” about celebrities they love. But. As sad as it is, I was quite literally shaking and crying a little bit. It was beautiful.
And then they took fan requests. People were shouting out ridiculous things like “Coin-Operated Boy” and “Girl Anachronism” that they play at every single show. Thankfully, one person, (and I wish I could hug that person) requested Boston. That was another song from my list. It was one of the really special ones, though. It really captured a way that I had actually felt so many times before. I cried a little bit again. It was flawless.
Before Backstabber, they mentioned that part of the video that they made for the song with Panic! At the Disco was filmed there at the Pageant. Pretty cool.
The Perfect Fit was another fan request. Apparently, that’s a pretty rare one for them to play live. I’m so glad I was there for it.
During The Jeep Song, they picked a few fans to come on stage and sing backing vocals. I was SO jealous when Brian hand-picked the girl who was standing directly next to me to the right. We were both waving our arms around, but she was jumping up and down, so I guess she deserved it. Beatle Bob was one of the people they picked as well. If you’ve never heard of him, look him up. He’s a legend. So when Beatle Bob started his dancing, rather than singing, they all started dancing too! It was so funny and cool. Amanda said something after the song to the effect of “We asked for back-up singers. But St. Louis was just fucking dancers.” Heh.
For the encore, Brian played guitar on stage and Amanda appeared in the balcony and made her way around dancing and singing Mein Herr. It was awesome and hilarious. At the end she said “Now, how the fuck do I get down from here?” hahaha.
Sing? Actually being able to SING that with a group of people who understood? Live? Out loud? FUCKING. PERFECT.
Half Jack was the last song. It lasted over 12 minutes.
And just like that, it was over.
Something needs to be said about Amanda and Brian’s on-stage chemistry. I have never seen another band that seemed like they were born to play together the way they were. It seems like they have the ability to read each other’s minds. I think it was Neil Gaiman’s SPIN blog about the Halloween Show in New York that mentioned that they are so comfortable with each other that they have the ability to musically finish each other’s “sentences.” That is spot on. Watching them look at each other while they play gives you the impression that they’re sharing and communicating in some sort of telepathic unnamed language that no one else on this earth could ever understand but them. And it isn’t the same to watch videos of it. You have to actually be there to truly experience this phenomenon. That’s one of the many reasons they’re one of my favorite bands. Not only are they individually talented, but their musical compatibility is completely unmatched. That show was, without a doubt, one of the best concerts, if not THE best concert I’ve ever been to.
After the show, the only option seemed to be to wait around to meet them. Luckily I went with someone who felt the same way. Peggy and I made a quick trip to my car and then waited by their tour bus hoping to meet them. After waiting a few minutes, I realized I hadn’t bought a poster like I’d wanted. I went in to get it and told her to text me if they came out. I bought my poster and went back out there just in time to see Brian with a mob of people surrounding him. Peggy was standing right behind him. At first I was pissed. “Thanks for texting me!” But apparently he had literally just gotten there. He had a short conversation with absolutely everyone out there, including me and Peggy. I got a picture with him and told him I liked his Notorious B.I.G. shirt. We also talked about the tour and whether or not they would ever come back to Memphis (they only went once in 2004). We also told him we didn’t understand how he was standing up because he’s a fucking beast. He was honestly the coolest, nicest famous person I've ever met. He was so easy to talk to. It seemed like he was talking to all of us like we were friends he had known for years or something. It was FREEZING out there so he eventually went to the bus but he said that Amanda would come out eventually. I realized later that I hadn’t gotten him to sign anything. I almost felt like it would have been asking too much of him. I’m grateful enough that he took a picture with me. I felt the same way with Amanda.
So we waited for like an hour in the cold and this one random girl brought dozens of hula hoops which was AWESOME. My friend and I were waiting/hula hooping with a bunch of people we didn't know when a guy (I think he was a sound guy?) came out and told us Amanda was in the Halo Bar. I think I was the only one who believed him because everyone else continued hula hooping while I went to check it out. I didn’t know what to expect. I was really nervous.
I made my way to the back of the bar, almost like I was a magnet to her or something. And there she was. I froze. I didn’t know what to do.
There was a crowd of people around her and when they cleared out, I approached her.
I didn’t have it planned out at all. Here’s what I THINK I said.:
“Amanda, I have two things to tell you. The first thing is that there are about a dozen people hula hooping behind the venue in the cold and they’re all waiting for you.”
She said “"Oh....Wow. I did not know that. Tell them to come in here." (I eventually did)
And then I looked her right in the eyes and said “The second thing is that…I love you.”
She sort of chuckled and smiled at me. She seemed a bit tipsy.
The rest is sort of a blur. The order of things might be wrong.
I asked her if I could show her my tattoo. She said sure. So I took my sweater off, moved my hair out of the way, and turned around. She traced it with her fingers as she read the words and said “It’s beautiful. Can I take a picture of it?” So I stood there, waiting to explode from happiness, while she took a picture with her phone.
And then she hugged me. It felt like we were hugging for a minute or more. It was so perfect. It was like she understood everything without me having to tell her. But I tried to tell her anyway.
I told her I had sent her a detailed private message on The Shadowbox about my awful breakup and that I just wanted to thank her for actually responding because her response and her music gave me so much strength. She didn’t seem to remember, but I was glad I got to tell her. I told her that Truce and Boston were two songs I played on repeat and that I had cried when they played Boston.
She said, “Yeah, Boston was awesome tonight, wasn’t it? I’m so glad someone requested that.”
I think I said something to the effect of “It was fucking amazing. Boston and Truce always seemed like companion pieces to me.”
She said, “Oh yeah. Same guy, same breakup.”
I knew it.
Then I asked her if she would take a picture with me. She agreed. And for the first time of the night, like clockwork, my batteries were dead. She told me to shake them. Haha. It didn’t work.
Luckily, Amanda asked a nice guy standing near us to take pictures of us with his phone and email them to me. I ended up getting a total of 5 pictures with her, which seems a bit greedy. It was poorly lit in the bar so he couldn't get any that weren't blurry or shadowy. I looked awful in all of them. I think I had my eyes closed in every single one. She even had her eyes closed in one of them. We had to stand on the tiny bar stage together because it was better lit than where we were previously standing. It was a dream come true. Luckily, Peggy came in later and got one last picture of us with a proper camera with flash.
And that was it. She went on the stage and played Missed Me with a girl named Ellen the Felon. Amanda sang and played drums, which was pretty cool. I wanted to talk to her more, but I felt lucky I had gotten as much time with her as I had.
And then she left. Peggy and I finished our drinks and walked to my car.
Right as we got to the back of the venue to get in my car and find a hotel, their tour bus pulled out of the parking lot and drove away.
It was a perfect night. I wouldn’t change anything.