This is as honest as I've ever been on here
I give up.
I think something is wrong with me. Clinically, not just teen angst. I'm barely a teenager anymore. Basically, no matter what I do or how hard I try, I can never just be happy. I try so hard to think optomistic and seem optomistic, but I just can't do anything that makes me happy for longer than a few days, sometimes hours. Today at the party, I just felt so damm miserable that I was thinking about what I'd do if I had a gun. I hate it. I can't just snap out of this. Everything makes me depressed, even stupid shit that I shouldn't even care about. "I don't have a girlfriend," big fucking deal. I realize that me not being able to be happy is what ultimately destroyed me and Rachael's relationship, along with my insecurities. I had a mild nervous breakdown in the car on the way home today, and I hate myself for it. I hate how I was fucking crying driving down 1604. I hate that I write these things on the stupid internet. I know some of you will think less of me for writing this, and I'm sure some will laugh or just shrug it off as a desperate call for attention. It doesn't matter. I've had enough. I want to talk to someone, but I don't want to bring it up to my parents. I don't want my mom to be worried that I want to speak to a psychiatrist or something. She has enough problems. And it's not that I only think about myself, I honestly try to think about how I will effect others. When I think about suicide, eventually I think about how it would destroy my mom, and just make me seem so, for lack of a better word, weak.
I get depressed when I think about the past. I hated high school, but I miss how secure I felt. I get depressed about the future because I don't want to have to deal with going off to college and ultimately getting a real job. I get depressed when I think about me possibly not liking what univeristy I get into or what job I eventually take. As far as girls go, I'm just going to take Scott's, Ryan's, and Rachael's advice and just give up. It's not even worth it. I was stupid to even think that I could be with someone like Meredith. It doesn't matter at all. The only thing that brings me anywhere clost to happiness for a long period of time is music, and I realize that I just fill my life, spend my money, and fill my room with CD's and records to try and fill some void that I don't even know what it is, much less how to fill it. I love music, but I am tired of it being the only thing in my life. It's pathetic; I'm not even that good at/ know that much about it.
I just do not want to be like this anymore. I can't be like this anymore.
I think something is wrong with me. Clinically, not just teen angst. I'm barely a teenager anymore. Basically, no matter what I do or how hard I try, I can never just be happy. I try so hard to think optomistic and seem optomistic, but I just can't do anything that makes me happy for longer than a few days, sometimes hours. Today at the party, I just felt so damm miserable that I was thinking about what I'd do if I had a gun. I hate it. I can't just snap out of this. Everything makes me depressed, even stupid shit that I shouldn't even care about. "I don't have a girlfriend," big fucking deal. I realize that me not being able to be happy is what ultimately destroyed me and Rachael's relationship, along with my insecurities. I had a mild nervous breakdown in the car on the way home today, and I hate myself for it. I hate how I was fucking crying driving down 1604. I hate that I write these things on the stupid internet. I know some of you will think less of me for writing this, and I'm sure some will laugh or just shrug it off as a desperate call for attention. It doesn't matter. I've had enough. I want to talk to someone, but I don't want to bring it up to my parents. I don't want my mom to be worried that I want to speak to a psychiatrist or something. She has enough problems. And it's not that I only think about myself, I honestly try to think about how I will effect others. When I think about suicide, eventually I think about how it would destroy my mom, and just make me seem so, for lack of a better word, weak.
I get depressed when I think about the past. I hated high school, but I miss how secure I felt. I get depressed about the future because I don't want to have to deal with going off to college and ultimately getting a real job. I get depressed when I think about me possibly not liking what univeristy I get into or what job I eventually take. As far as girls go, I'm just going to take Scott's, Ryan's, and Rachael's advice and just give up. It's not even worth it. I was stupid to even think that I could be with someone like Meredith. It doesn't matter at all. The only thing that brings me anywhere clost to happiness for a long period of time is music, and I realize that I just fill my life, spend my money, and fill my room with CD's and records to try and fill some void that I don't even know what it is, much less how to fill it. I love music, but I am tired of it being the only thing in my life. It's pathetic; I'm not even that good at/ know that much about it.
I just do not want to be like this anymore. I can't be like this anymore.