(no subject)
I have a feeling alot of you won't empathize with me on this subject that's fine and you are entitled to be that way I don't judge you for it. I would probably be the same way, well maybe not but I'll never know.
but at least you get to see old embarssing pictures of me.
My doctor asked if there were any side effects to my medication. Well seeing as one of the two is an appetite suppressant I told him yesterday I didn't eat. Now you probably think that’s not normal, I don’t think it is either but sometimes I literally forget or don’t eat because I’m being lazy [none of my doctors like this word but eff that I’m using it here] to get off my ass and do anything about it. Hell I was literally having to force myself not to sleep yesterday away because that is in the past what I have done. So I felt like that is an accomplishment, my seem small to you, but sleep has always been my escape my addiction just like drugs and alcohol can be for others. I slept days, weeks, years of my life away and I literally didn’t care at all about caring for my own self image. Sometimes going days without showers, wearing dirty clothes, and other stuff that I am ashamed of. So being awake and doing stuff "normal" people see as basics is stuff I have had to almost relearn how to just care about myself mentally and physically.
I’m getting off track though.
When he looked through my file he saw no past history of anorexia and asked [but in better wording] basically if I was or not. My first reaction was defensive [because I’m passive-aggressive, and I have been on edge the past few days since working on this issue] though in the past I would have cussed this man out, I was calm. He asked if I was mad, I told him yes but I’ll deal with it. He also said because of this I wasn’t "out of woods just yet" as it came to me being discharged from the program. I agreed to do this stupid food journal and see their nutritionist, even though I was supposed to do that with my regular therapist before I ever came into the program. I literally thought coming into that meeting that within two weeks I could be "discharged" and continue the once a week one-on-one and family session with my therapist. Then continue you on as a functioning member of society. My way of not speaking before speaking bit me in the ass again, I knew almost the moment the words came out of my mouth that he would take it the wrong way. I walked out of his office pissed but calm.
Then my Mom called and I ended up crying. The rush of emotions that came to me were ridiculous. I am already feeling guilty about the money strain this is putting on the family since our insurance isn’t covering it. Then the fact that I thought I had finally got to a weight that people would stop wondering if I was anorexic. This is were most of the empathy will stop in this next part, but I’m not doing this for empathy I am doing this as a release.
The main reason for the rush of tears, beside guilt and edginess, was the fact that I literally felt I had to prove that I wasn’t anorexic/bulimic to all these people in middle school and my freshman year [until I moved away from Leesburg to Orlando]. I had from 2nd grade till my 18th birthday an extremely fast metabolism and extremely active life. This caused me to be thin, it was like I was only growing tall but staying the same weight. When I finally hit 100 pounds I screamed in the doctors office because I was so excited I was finally gaining weight. Throughout middle school I ate food I hated because my friends moms would tell my mom that they thought I was anorexic. I stopped going to the bathroom after lunch so kids wouldn’t think I was throwing my food up, so I would hold it till the end of the school day. [Probably why drinks go right thru me today] Once at a NaroPath show, about two years ago, I ran into an old friends mom who hadn’t seen me since my move to Orlando. When we talked she said how happy she was because I finally looked a healthy weight and she had always worried about me. I felt good for once like these questions would finally stop like I was finally a ‘normal’ size and in portion for my height. Issue dropped.
That was the reason for the crying/pissed off mode.
Yes my rational mind understands what he is doing.
My emotions however will continue to be pissed until the issue is resolved though, even just writing this I have calmed down immensely and it was very theraputic.
-kathryn
these are pictures to show how tiny i use to be:
summer before 10th grade
10th banquet
12th grade homecoming(notice the lack of boobs)
12th grade prom.
summer after 12th grade[still no boobs]
p.s. i'm taking to heart what liz said:
lizz MAcHINE: with certain things, you're never at a point where you dont have to defend yourself.
lizz MAcHINE: you just have to have the right attitude. a confident and positive one.
lizz MAcHINE: there's always going to be people that doubt you and it's not about proving them wrong
lizz MAcHINE: i think it's about not believing the lies they're feeding you by doubting you
p.s.2.
This Was My Lunch Today:
Large Fry Large Coke
but at least you get to see old embarssing pictures of me.
My doctor asked if there were any side effects to my medication. Well seeing as one of the two is an appetite suppressant I told him yesterday I didn't eat. Now you probably think that’s not normal, I don’t think it is either but sometimes I literally forget or don’t eat because I’m being lazy [none of my doctors like this word but eff that I’m using it here] to get off my ass and do anything about it. Hell I was literally having to force myself not to sleep yesterday away because that is in the past what I have done. So I felt like that is an accomplishment, my seem small to you, but sleep has always been my escape my addiction just like drugs and alcohol can be for others. I slept days, weeks, years of my life away and I literally didn’t care at all about caring for my own self image. Sometimes going days without showers, wearing dirty clothes, and other stuff that I am ashamed of. So being awake and doing stuff "normal" people see as basics is stuff I have had to almost relearn how to just care about myself mentally and physically.
I’m getting off track though.
When he looked through my file he saw no past history of anorexia and asked [but in better wording] basically if I was or not. My first reaction was defensive [because I’m passive-aggressive, and I have been on edge the past few days since working on this issue] though in the past I would have cussed this man out, I was calm. He asked if I was mad, I told him yes but I’ll deal with it. He also said because of this I wasn’t "out of woods just yet" as it came to me being discharged from the program. I agreed to do this stupid food journal and see their nutritionist, even though I was supposed to do that with my regular therapist before I ever came into the program. I literally thought coming into that meeting that within two weeks I could be "discharged" and continue the once a week one-on-one and family session with my therapist. Then continue you on as a functioning member of society. My way of not speaking before speaking bit me in the ass again, I knew almost the moment the words came out of my mouth that he would take it the wrong way. I walked out of his office pissed but calm.
Then my Mom called and I ended up crying. The rush of emotions that came to me were ridiculous. I am already feeling guilty about the money strain this is putting on the family since our insurance isn’t covering it. Then the fact that I thought I had finally got to a weight that people would stop wondering if I was anorexic. This is were most of the empathy will stop in this next part, but I’m not doing this for empathy I am doing this as a release.
The main reason for the rush of tears, beside guilt and edginess, was the fact that I literally felt I had to prove that I wasn’t anorexic/bulimic to all these people in middle school and my freshman year [until I moved away from Leesburg to Orlando]. I had from 2nd grade till my 18th birthday an extremely fast metabolism and extremely active life. This caused me to be thin, it was like I was only growing tall but staying the same weight. When I finally hit 100 pounds I screamed in the doctors office because I was so excited I was finally gaining weight. Throughout middle school I ate food I hated because my friends moms would tell my mom that they thought I was anorexic. I stopped going to the bathroom after lunch so kids wouldn’t think I was throwing my food up, so I would hold it till the end of the school day. [Probably why drinks go right thru me today] Once at a NaroPath show, about two years ago, I ran into an old friends mom who hadn’t seen me since my move to Orlando. When we talked she said how happy she was because I finally looked a healthy weight and she had always worried about me. I felt good for once like these questions would finally stop like I was finally a ‘normal’ size and in portion for my height. Issue dropped.
That was the reason for the crying/pissed off mode.
Yes my rational mind understands what he is doing.
My emotions however will continue to be pissed until the issue is resolved though, even just writing this I have calmed down immensely and it was very theraputic.
-kathryn
these are pictures to show how tiny i use to be:
summer before 10th grade
10th banquet
12th grade homecoming(notice the lack of boobs)
12th grade prom.
summer after 12th grade[still no boobs]
p.s. i'm taking to heart what liz said:
lizz MAcHINE: with certain things, you're never at a point where you dont have to defend yourself.
lizz MAcHINE: you just have to have the right attitude. a confident and positive one.
lizz MAcHINE: there's always going to be people that doubt you and it's not about proving them wrong
lizz MAcHINE: i think it's about not believing the lies they're feeding you by doubting you
p.s.2.
This Was My Lunch Today:
Large Fry Large Coke