Yep. It's me.
So I talked about all of this with someone last night, and just blurting it all out to her really helped. I figure I'd give it another shot, but this time more wordy.
A couple of you might have seen my away message yesterday that read, "How can I say 'I hate my life' without sounding emo?" It all pertains to this. Because last night I did feel that way. Sure it sounds angst-ridden and unnecessary, but sometimes it's so true. I'm not looking for empathy here, but I go through problems everyday that don't even cross your minds. I face a battle in my head everyday to not take out all of my pent-up rage on your guys. You don't deserve it; you've done nothing wrong. It's just that I have this loathesome attitude towards humanity. I'm not sure if I'll ever get over that.
Last night I stayed at home. This marks the third consecutive time I didn't leave the house on Friday or Saturday night. That's not a problem though, I don't mind the alone time. I was watching a movie and it had your typical father-son plot in it. Father doesn't believe in Son. Son overcomes odds. Father accepts Son into his life again. Embrace. Everybody has seen it in movies, but you don't think anything of it. Understandably so; I don't blame you guys for it. I obviously see it differently. I don't get any of that. My dad won't watch me graduate high school or college. My dad won't be sitting at the high table with me at my wedding. My dad won't be there to spend time with his grandchildren. It's something most people take for granted.
So it brings me to the 'I hate my life.' situation. I guess I really don't hate my life per say. I have amazing friends who I know are there for me. But nobody can fill a certain void in my life. No step-dad, no friend, no uncle, nobody. The fact still remains that I don't get the father-child relationship that most people do.
But I can't change any of it now. What is past is just that - past. I just get bitter about it sometimes. So yeah. That's my feelings. They definitely seem to go around in circles, though. That's how I life my life though. Going in circles. Maybe one day I'll break that cycle. I know I'll never 'move on' after my dad's death. It's not possible to. I just hope to someday look at it in a different light.
A couple of you might have seen my away message yesterday that read, "How can I say 'I hate my life' without sounding emo?" It all pertains to this. Because last night I did feel that way. Sure it sounds angst-ridden and unnecessary, but sometimes it's so true. I'm not looking for empathy here, but I go through problems everyday that don't even cross your minds. I face a battle in my head everyday to not take out all of my pent-up rage on your guys. You don't deserve it; you've done nothing wrong. It's just that I have this loathesome attitude towards humanity. I'm not sure if I'll ever get over that.
Last night I stayed at home. This marks the third consecutive time I didn't leave the house on Friday or Saturday night. That's not a problem though, I don't mind the alone time. I was watching a movie and it had your typical father-son plot in it. Father doesn't believe in Son. Son overcomes odds. Father accepts Son into his life again. Embrace. Everybody has seen it in movies, but you don't think anything of it. Understandably so; I don't blame you guys for it. I obviously see it differently. I don't get any of that. My dad won't watch me graduate high school or college. My dad won't be sitting at the high table with me at my wedding. My dad won't be there to spend time with his grandchildren. It's something most people take for granted.
So it brings me to the 'I hate my life.' situation. I guess I really don't hate my life per say. I have amazing friends who I know are there for me. But nobody can fill a certain void in my life. No step-dad, no friend, no uncle, nobody. The fact still remains that I don't get the father-child relationship that most people do.
But I can't change any of it now. What is past is just that - past. I just get bitter about it sometimes. So yeah. That's my feelings. They definitely seem to go around in circles, though. That's how I life my life though. Going in circles. Maybe one day I'll break that cycle. I know I'll never 'move on' after my dad's death. It's not possible to. I just hope to someday look at it in a different light.