..There ain't no motive for this crime..
Lots on my mind to say the least...
I've been running all around the north and east bay for the past few days and I'm completely exhausted. For some reason I find myself missing my bed. Missing that freezing cold hardwood floor downstairs at my place and how warm my room gets when I turn my space heater on. I miss bugging Ginevra to get off my computer and laughing hysterically as Dave makes fun of the way I say "Grilled Cheese, Derrick, Creme" and other things. Dave said this would happen, that I would get here and realize that it isn't really my home anymore and that I'd miss MA. well, he's right..but at the same time, I feel next to tears constantly, like I'm in some state of Limbo, or a dream. I don't feel like I'm really here, sitting in my backyard with Luke and Stephanie, in those green plastic chairs, sitting in the office that used to be my room, driving the mazda and CRV around..like it was nothing, I know the streets like the back of my hand, but I can never feel my feet as they touch the croud. Everything seems a haze, too soft to be real. This place will be gone in less than a week, I'm scared..but I'm not letting myself grasp the reality of it yet, I'm not sure if that's good or bad. I don't want it to be at all. I'm wondering when I'll end up back in California. I'm wondering when I'll see my family again, when I'll feel Misti's kisses again, when I'll get hugs from all the people that I miss with such intensity when they are not ignoring me like asses.
Which brings me to my next annoyance. The internet. I'm becoming so frustrated with this whole online world. The fact that people will text me every blue moon or maybe call me once a month and tell me how much they miss me and how they want me to come back right away or some such nonsense and how they "want to be with me" and want me to say the same..though I'm never sure quite how to reply to it...and then they write journal entries about how they are with this person or that person and how they fucked this or that person and blah blah some said romantic bullshit and then go right back to trying to get attention from me. I don't understand why you feel like you have to have my attention, I'm sure you're just fine without it, as is most of the population. There is constant drama circulating around me for some reason or another. Therefore I've decided to limit my internet time...make this friends only and take a lot of folks off my myspace and make it a private account. I just don't like the negative energy that is swirling around me..the dregs of my old life attempting to haunt me.
I'm a new person and in a new place with a new frame of mind...that's all there is to it. I'm happy to say these things. I don't miss the old things...they are not worth missing. It was a part of my life and I'm grateful to have lived what I have...but that was then and this is now. I don't want the drama...as fergie would say "no no drama, no no no no drama" hahahah that's right mutha fucka.
I'm gunna wake up Stephanie and watch a movie.
My feet are cold.
I'm glad to be here, and though I'm sure I'll shed a few tears I'll be glad to go back home. I understand now what it's like to visit a place that is not your home though you might have thought it was. hmmmm.
I've been running all around the north and east bay for the past few days and I'm completely exhausted. For some reason I find myself missing my bed. Missing that freezing cold hardwood floor downstairs at my place and how warm my room gets when I turn my space heater on. I miss bugging Ginevra to get off my computer and laughing hysterically as Dave makes fun of the way I say "Grilled Cheese, Derrick, Creme" and other things. Dave said this would happen, that I would get here and realize that it isn't really my home anymore and that I'd miss MA. well, he's right..but at the same time, I feel next to tears constantly, like I'm in some state of Limbo, or a dream. I don't feel like I'm really here, sitting in my backyard with Luke and Stephanie, in those green plastic chairs, sitting in the office that used to be my room, driving the mazda and CRV around..like it was nothing, I know the streets like the back of my hand, but I can never feel my feet as they touch the croud. Everything seems a haze, too soft to be real. This place will be gone in less than a week, I'm scared..but I'm not letting myself grasp the reality of it yet, I'm not sure if that's good or bad. I don't want it to be at all. I'm wondering when I'll end up back in California. I'm wondering when I'll see my family again, when I'll feel Misti's kisses again, when I'll get hugs from all the people that I miss with such intensity when they are not ignoring me like asses.
Which brings me to my next annoyance. The internet. I'm becoming so frustrated with this whole online world. The fact that people will text me every blue moon or maybe call me once a month and tell me how much they miss me and how they want me to come back right away or some such nonsense and how they "want to be with me" and want me to say the same..though I'm never sure quite how to reply to it...and then they write journal entries about how they are with this person or that person and how they fucked this or that person and blah blah some said romantic bullshit and then go right back to trying to get attention from me. I don't understand why you feel like you have to have my attention, I'm sure you're just fine without it, as is most of the population. There is constant drama circulating around me for some reason or another. Therefore I've decided to limit my internet time...make this friends only and take a lot of folks off my myspace and make it a private account. I just don't like the negative energy that is swirling around me..the dregs of my old life attempting to haunt me.
I'm a new person and in a new place with a new frame of mind...that's all there is to it. I'm happy to say these things. I don't miss the old things...they are not worth missing. It was a part of my life and I'm grateful to have lived what I have...but that was then and this is now. I don't want the drama...as fergie would say "no no drama, no no no no drama" hahahah that's right mutha fucka.
I'm gunna wake up Stephanie and watch a movie.
My feet are cold.
I'm glad to be here, and though I'm sure I'll shed a few tears I'll be glad to go back home. I understand now what it's like to visit a place that is not your home though you might have thought it was. hmmmm.