..Strange..
I'm not exactly sure what's been going on with me lately. Things seem to be going fine. I love my job more and more every day and want to do as much of it as possible. The New England Leadership Academy was amazing and I wish that it hadn't ended, I have great friends outside of work, AA is going relatively well, I don't have that many resentments, I haven't been as freezing lately at night (I developed a system that works with my heater and blankets, ect.), I've been going out and doing things on the weekends instead of being a total hermit, I've been talking to people and little by little gaining more confidence..so what's going on??
N.E.L.A. really took a lot out of me, working really long hours and not taking care of myself as well as I should have. I didn't eat very well since they couldn't provide food that was all that wonderful and I ate 11 pieces of pizza when we went out to the Milk Way. I also don't think that I showered all that week which yea, is kinda gross but you try having that sort of energy when you're working such long and hard hours. It was good that I got to be P.T. crew captain and I met a lot of people from other corps and within my own that I had never associated with before..that's really exciting. But still something is wrong it seems. I've been really weirded out about my up-coming visit to California..I'll be with Ginevra (which is amazing, don't get me wrong) and that'll be really awesome, but I know some people will be mad that they won't get alone time with me and I won't be back for another visit until the beginning of July most likely and still probably only for about a week..Also, I'm on really odd and shakey terms with some peole right now so I don't know how that's going to make the trip for me, I know that I don't want to overdo it like last time, I tried to do too many things and see too many people and I didn't appreciate the things I got to do as much as I should have. I'm sorry in advance if I don't see everyone, this trip is really going to be family oriented and I'm going to be taking time to enjoy all the places I love to be in california and really doing things rather than spending the whole time in the car driving from place to place to see people for a half hour at a time. That doesn't mean that I'm not going to see anyone, but it's just NOT going to be like last time, that's for sure. I'm also really weirded out that it's going to be the last time that I'll see California until July. That's really bizzare for me. It makes me think that the next 6 months are going to be really hellish for me. It's going to be a long and hard winter, I haven't even tasted anything yet and I'm not going to have the comfort of home where it's warm and everything's paid for and I don't have to worry about heat and clothing and food, it's just all there for me. Things will be very different trying to deal with the winter on my own. It will be the longest that I've ever gone without seeing the place that I've grown up in, the place that I used to call home. At first, 3 months was the longest but I'm coming up on 6 months away from CALI. I know that two people are for sure coming out to visit me, but still..it's awkward and bizzare and I don't know how to deal with it. It's a bit concerning, I hope that everything turns out alright..I'm sure that it will, but that doesn't help the information to settle in my system any more.
I've been having issues most likely relating to this and the recent bringing up of a situation that happened earlier this year that had a really huge and negative affect on me. I've been hearing that damn voice again in my head, this time more audible, I can even pick apart the words sometimes..which is bizzare because I usually never can, it's always humming in the back of my head though. Whenever I heard it, a shower and brushing my teeth helped to clear my head out and make it stop. This time it didn't work. It was really weird, and it was saying the lyrics to this song...that I didn't sing after I was in MASS that I had sung every day in cali since well..something happened and I sang it the other night at Grier's in the bathroom..I'm scared that it's coming back into my head. I know that leaving CALI wasn't the solution to all my problems, but still it was nice when I felt like it helped out on a bunch of levels. There are still demons to tackel.
I've also been having problems with asthma and regular body aches. I'm also having severe body image issues. I've gained my "freshman 15" even though I'm not a freshman, I'm up to what some call a "normal weight" now, 150 lbs. And it's odd to me, really scarey to look at the changes my body is going through and not see it in a negative light. It's really hard, I used to think that the media didn't affect me at all, but now I'm thinking that it does, much to my dismay. I know that I'm not FAT but I feel it and that makes me really dissapointed in myself because I always hated those terms, thin and fat, they don't mean anything about who you are as a person, but it's still hard to stomache, because it's a really dramatic change for me. Things that I'm just NOT okay with. Ginevra said we're going to do some "love the chub" therapy, but it hasn't happened yet, I think I still need to approach her about that. Or maybe do some belly dancing stuff since it so encourages having a belly which I'm now starting to get. Anyhow...I should stop talking about this, it'll make me upset.
I've also been dealing with the restless leg syndrome stuff again recently. I'll lay in bed and I can't stop twitching, my muscles spasm a lot too which is annoying. I feel like it's only when I'm alone though. I spent the night at Grier's on saturday night and it didn't happen and when I fall asleep with other people in the room, or really close to me it doesn't seem to happen. I'm becoming really unsettled when I'm alone and my legs start to flop around and I just get really tense and shakey. I really need to make sure that I'm going to meeting regularly and I need to get back into working the steps..I coming up on 90 days and last time I was in the program I slipped at 94 days....I'm really scared. I need to get back on top of things and start taking better care of myself.
Speaking of...I need to get some dinner, I got free lunch today from my team buddies, they got me a cheeseless pizza..it was amazing, onions, spinach, broccoli, mushrooms, peppers, mmmmmmm..and I'm going over to B good in a bit to visit Ginevra at her second job and get a southwest veggie burger, some fresh veggies, and some dried fruit. I'm working until 11 p.m. tonight..I'm doing a homeless census...it's insane, hopefully I won't be too cold and hopefully Anna is not at B good when I go to get dinner, not because I don't like her too much but I just feel like talking to anyone right now..i need to relax and just eat something. It's been hours.
I'm hanging out with Erica tomorrow night I think, making some collages for people in my family..I need to work on that tomorrow during commute and stuff, I wish I could do it now or when I get home, but I won't get home until like 11:45 probably. yay. I think they're giving us a half day for working on this..I might use it tomorrow morning so that I can get some stuff done at home and get a little extra sleep.
I need to stop rambling.
I'll be in Cali on friday night. Yay for ice skating and dancing like old people in sweaters to vynal records
N.E.L.A. really took a lot out of me, working really long hours and not taking care of myself as well as I should have. I didn't eat very well since they couldn't provide food that was all that wonderful and I ate 11 pieces of pizza when we went out to the Milk Way. I also don't think that I showered all that week which yea, is kinda gross but you try having that sort of energy when you're working such long and hard hours. It was good that I got to be P.T. crew captain and I met a lot of people from other corps and within my own that I had never associated with before..that's really exciting. But still something is wrong it seems. I've been really weirded out about my up-coming visit to California..I'll be with Ginevra (which is amazing, don't get me wrong) and that'll be really awesome, but I know some people will be mad that they won't get alone time with me and I won't be back for another visit until the beginning of July most likely and still probably only for about a week..Also, I'm on really odd and shakey terms with some peole right now so I don't know how that's going to make the trip for me, I know that I don't want to overdo it like last time, I tried to do too many things and see too many people and I didn't appreciate the things I got to do as much as I should have. I'm sorry in advance if I don't see everyone, this trip is really going to be family oriented and I'm going to be taking time to enjoy all the places I love to be in california and really doing things rather than spending the whole time in the car driving from place to place to see people for a half hour at a time. That doesn't mean that I'm not going to see anyone, but it's just NOT going to be like last time, that's for sure. I'm also really weirded out that it's going to be the last time that I'll see California until July. That's really bizzare for me. It makes me think that the next 6 months are going to be really hellish for me. It's going to be a long and hard winter, I haven't even tasted anything yet and I'm not going to have the comfort of home where it's warm and everything's paid for and I don't have to worry about heat and clothing and food, it's just all there for me. Things will be very different trying to deal with the winter on my own. It will be the longest that I've ever gone without seeing the place that I've grown up in, the place that I used to call home. At first, 3 months was the longest but I'm coming up on 6 months away from CALI. I know that two people are for sure coming out to visit me, but still..it's awkward and bizzare and I don't know how to deal with it. It's a bit concerning, I hope that everything turns out alright..I'm sure that it will, but that doesn't help the information to settle in my system any more.
I've been having issues most likely relating to this and the recent bringing up of a situation that happened earlier this year that had a really huge and negative affect on me. I've been hearing that damn voice again in my head, this time more audible, I can even pick apart the words sometimes..which is bizzare because I usually never can, it's always humming in the back of my head though. Whenever I heard it, a shower and brushing my teeth helped to clear my head out and make it stop. This time it didn't work. It was really weird, and it was saying the lyrics to this song...that I didn't sing after I was in MASS that I had sung every day in cali since well..something happened and I sang it the other night at Grier's in the bathroom..I'm scared that it's coming back into my head. I know that leaving CALI wasn't the solution to all my problems, but still it was nice when I felt like it helped out on a bunch of levels. There are still demons to tackel.
I've also been having problems with asthma and regular body aches. I'm also having severe body image issues. I've gained my "freshman 15" even though I'm not a freshman, I'm up to what some call a "normal weight" now, 150 lbs. And it's odd to me, really scarey to look at the changes my body is going through and not see it in a negative light. It's really hard, I used to think that the media didn't affect me at all, but now I'm thinking that it does, much to my dismay. I know that I'm not FAT but I feel it and that makes me really dissapointed in myself because I always hated those terms, thin and fat, they don't mean anything about who you are as a person, but it's still hard to stomache, because it's a really dramatic change for me. Things that I'm just NOT okay with. Ginevra said we're going to do some "love the chub" therapy, but it hasn't happened yet, I think I still need to approach her about that. Or maybe do some belly dancing stuff since it so encourages having a belly which I'm now starting to get. Anyhow...I should stop talking about this, it'll make me upset.
I've also been dealing with the restless leg syndrome stuff again recently. I'll lay in bed and I can't stop twitching, my muscles spasm a lot too which is annoying. I feel like it's only when I'm alone though. I spent the night at Grier's on saturday night and it didn't happen and when I fall asleep with other people in the room, or really close to me it doesn't seem to happen. I'm becoming really unsettled when I'm alone and my legs start to flop around and I just get really tense and shakey. I really need to make sure that I'm going to meeting regularly and I need to get back into working the steps..I coming up on 90 days and last time I was in the program I slipped at 94 days....I'm really scared. I need to get back on top of things and start taking better care of myself.
Speaking of...I need to get some dinner, I got free lunch today from my team buddies, they got me a cheeseless pizza..it was amazing, onions, spinach, broccoli, mushrooms, peppers, mmmmmmm..and I'm going over to B good in a bit to visit Ginevra at her second job and get a southwest veggie burger, some fresh veggies, and some dried fruit. I'm working until 11 p.m. tonight..I'm doing a homeless census...it's insane, hopefully I won't be too cold and hopefully Anna is not at B good when I go to get dinner, not because I don't like her too much but I just feel like talking to anyone right now..i need to relax and just eat something. It's been hours.
I'm hanging out with Erica tomorrow night I think, making some collages for people in my family..I need to work on that tomorrow during commute and stuff, I wish I could do it now or when I get home, but I won't get home until like 11:45 probably. yay. I think they're giving us a half day for working on this..I might use it tomorrow morning so that I can get some stuff done at home and get a little extra sleep.
I need to stop rambling.
I'll be in Cali on friday night. Yay for ice skating and dancing like old people in sweaters to vynal records