App
Character: Hitagi Senjougahara
Series: Bakemonogatari
Character Age: 17
Canon: Start with disenchanted teen in a nondescript town, then have him run into a vampire, and later become one... except this isn't Twilight. Bakemonogatari's protagonist, Koyomi Araragi, becomes mostly human again and proceeds to meet a harem of girls, each with a paranormal dilemma. There're a lot of series about about myths and monsters in the modern age, but this one comes with fanservice, a healthy dose of word play and pop culture references that threaten to break the fourth wall.
Koyomi and his girlfriend, Hitagi Senjougahara, may have been brought together due to her supernatural problem, but she's no damsel in distress. She relentlessly abuses Koyomi with her words and an unlimited arsenal of stationery supplies. She's a self-proclaimed tsundere character (someone who acts aloof, but has a hidden loving side), who spouts ridiculous lies, insults, puns, and references to the Japanese fanboy sub-culture, all with equal composure. Her words are designed to push buttons, and she'll even take what others say and run with it in strange and twisted directions, just to get a rise out of them. Understandably, this makes it hard to figure out when she's being sincere, but there are also moments when she can be genuinely sweet. She admires Koyomi's desire to help people, and would still respect him for it even she only saw him saving others. She'll unconditionally defend a friend and won't think twice about putting her life on the line to protect them. But naturally, those she loves the most get the brunt of her abuse: After all, she is tsundere.
Sample Post:
What's this? I thought I had been dumped into a pornographic fan comic, but it's just an ordinary, PG-13 fanservice camp. Hm, no reaction. Perhaps a more attention grabbing opening would have been better received. My fellow campers, I am Hitagi Senjougahara, and it's nice to meet you... is what I'd like to say, but there are more things that would be less bothersome than getting acquainted with you. Like indulging in Tuesday soup. Or letting Marcy-san have her way with me. It's unfortunate her previous attempt ended with her tentacles getting stapled to the lakeside. Naturally, that's an exaggeration: No self-respecting masked hero of justice would use a stapler as their weapon of choice. After all, there are far more effective tools than stationery to render a monster stationary. Moreover, I seem to have misplaced mine.
Despite losing a key staple of my arsenal, she won't be bothering me again. It's only natural to retaliate when threatened, right? Besides, I don't know how anyone could say things like, "iyaaaaan," or "xxxxxxxx me in the xxxxxxx with a xxxxxxxxxxx to the xxxxx." Even though I'm tsundere, I'd rather die than recite those lines. They're too embarrassing, and even worse, overdone. We could blame a patriarchal society that fetishizes defiling female virtue, but to be fair, women can be just as indecent. One look at a Boys' Love comic should be enough to shatter any misconceptions about our sexual naivete. Have you ever read one before? If not, the services of Marcy-san may be just what you need. I couldn't think of anyone more willing to give you firsthand experience.
Surely you aren't put off by the suggestion. I understand many of you have already had unpleasant encounters with Marcy-san, but maybe you need to view her and the other hazards in a different light. Who knows? You might become just as attracted to them as they are to you. Bestiality must be one of your many kinks. But the word "beast" is too common for these unique indigenous organisms. A new word must enter the CFUD vernacular to more specifically describe your fetish: camperversion. Don't confuse it with my admission that I'd accept Marcy-san's affections. I don't enjoy being likened to you. Tentacle violation is something I'd prefer over something worse, like fraternizing with camperverts. I wouldn't choose it. There's a difference. Unless you don't have a choice. To be perfectly honest, the only things that would willingly grope pitiful individuals like you are heinous creatures like them. As the saying goes, birds of a feather flock together.
Oh my, I didn't realize you'd take such a mild joke so seriously. Have my words left you in despair? Maybe you could use a little pick me up. Lucky for you, I managed to find my stapler. Why don't you say hello to my little friend?
-------
[Voting went Here @ 98% (50/1)]