chicken soup for the pirate soul
rating: pg-13 for swears
pairings: none
wc: 576
i swear this was supposed to be an ask.fm prompt fill for nillili mambo au and not just me blatantly riffing off that one scene in ocean's twelve.
The plan is good: steal the cargo, deliver it to Jaehyo's fence in Nha Trang, and pay off the triads currently holding Jiho's precious deathtrap of a ship, the Blockbuster, hostage. Simple. Straightforward. A walk in the park for experienced pirates. There's just one, minor hitch.
"So," Jiho says, clapping his hands together in a business-like manner. "Yukwon's in jail."
Taeil yawns and proceeds to shove his pinky up his nose. "How the hell'd he get pinched anyway?" he asks, examining his findings before wiping them on the hem of Jiho's ugly, flower print coat; the dreadlocked captain doesn't seem to notice.
"That's a great question," he says, turning his half-dead gaze sardonically toward his first mate. "How did that happen, Jaehyo-hyung?"
The Busan man crosses his arms defensively. "Why the fuck are you asking me? I'm not his goddamn keeper."
"You were with him when it happened!" Kyung accuses, jabbing the air in his direction with his knife.
"There was lobster soondae!" Jaehyo screeches.
"What the fuck does that have to do with anything?!"
"Okay, shut the fuck up," Zico interrupts, rings flashing as ticks off the points with his fingers. "The shipment hits port in four days. We need Yukwon back in two or this whole thing goes to shit. Minhyuk and Jihoonie are still down in Mong Cai hustlin' the last few hundred thousand dong we need, so they're out. Ideas. Go."
"Seventh Inning Blackout," Jaehyo rattles off, still side-eyeing the curly-haired cook in annoyance.
Jiho shakes his head immediately. "Not enough people," he says. "What else?"
"Double Deuce?" Taeil offers, unwrapping a lollipop he produces from seemingly nowhere.
"Not enough time," Kyung sighs. "Also, Yukwon's allergic to coconut."
"Shit." Jaehyo scratches his bare chest and blows his bangs from his eyes. "Uh... Nillili Mambo?"
Kyung snorts loudly. "Dumbass, Yukwon's the only one who can do a Nillili Mambo."
"Shut up, horseface. I can do it too."
"You shot the bride in the foot and hyung ended up locked in a hooker's closet for three hours."
"Again," Taeil adds resentfully around his mouthful of candy. Jaehyo scowls and flicks his ear hard.
"Hey, focus," Jiho snaps. "What about a Crazy Mino?"
"Not enough time, not enough people." Jaehyo groans, clawing the sides of his face in frustration. "God, we're gonna lose the boat..."
There's a moment of collective, gloomy silence, punctuated only by the sound of hardened corn syrup clacking against the back of Taeil's teeth. Jiho and Jaehyo start grimly debating with each other over what they can possibly steal-slash-pawn within the next twenty-four hours in order to legally make Yukown's bail. Kyung chews his lip thoughtfully.
"What about Hell in a Hand Basket?" he muses.
"Can't train a cat that quickly," Jiho mutters absently, brow furrowed in thought.
The cook shakes his head. "We don't need a cat. We can use Kyung Junior."
Jiho looks up. "You taught her how to roll dice on command?"
Kyung grins proudly. "Roll dice and push the elevator buttons."
Jaehyo and Taeil exchange confused glances.
"Who the hell is Kyung Junior?" Jaehyo demands.
"His pet chicken," Jiho says, and then, to Kyung, "That could work. It might-- yeah, no, that'll work."
"Wait, you kept that thing? I thought you were gonna eat it," Taeil says, amused.
Kyung shrugs. "That chicken is smart as hell, man. I felt bad." He twirls his knife excitedly. "So, we on?"
"We on," Jiho confirms, eyes and grin sharp. "Get Kyung Junior loaded up and meet us at the salon."
The cook salutes and leaves to his task. Jiho turns to his two remaining crew members.
"Alright, who wants to wear the dress?"
pairings: none
wc: 576
i swear this was supposed to be an ask.fm prompt fill for nillili mambo au and not just me blatantly riffing off that one scene in ocean's twelve.
The plan is good: steal the cargo, deliver it to Jaehyo's fence in Nha Trang, and pay off the triads currently holding Jiho's precious deathtrap of a ship, the Blockbuster, hostage. Simple. Straightforward. A walk in the park for experienced pirates. There's just one, minor hitch.
"So," Jiho says, clapping his hands together in a business-like manner. "Yukwon's in jail."
Taeil yawns and proceeds to shove his pinky up his nose. "How the hell'd he get pinched anyway?" he asks, examining his findings before wiping them on the hem of Jiho's ugly, flower print coat; the dreadlocked captain doesn't seem to notice.
"That's a great question," he says, turning his half-dead gaze sardonically toward his first mate. "How did that happen, Jaehyo-hyung?"
The Busan man crosses his arms defensively. "Why the fuck are you asking me? I'm not his goddamn keeper."
"You were with him when it happened!" Kyung accuses, jabbing the air in his direction with his knife.
"There was lobster soondae!" Jaehyo screeches.
"What the fuck does that have to do with anything?!"
"Okay, shut the fuck up," Zico interrupts, rings flashing as ticks off the points with his fingers. "The shipment hits port in four days. We need Yukwon back in two or this whole thing goes to shit. Minhyuk and Jihoonie are still down in Mong Cai hustlin' the last few hundred thousand dong we need, so they're out. Ideas. Go."
"Seventh Inning Blackout," Jaehyo rattles off, still side-eyeing the curly-haired cook in annoyance.
Jiho shakes his head immediately. "Not enough people," he says. "What else?"
"Double Deuce?" Taeil offers, unwrapping a lollipop he produces from seemingly nowhere.
"Not enough time," Kyung sighs. "Also, Yukwon's allergic to coconut."
"Shit." Jaehyo scratches his bare chest and blows his bangs from his eyes. "Uh... Nillili Mambo?"
Kyung snorts loudly. "Dumbass, Yukwon's the only one who can do a Nillili Mambo."
"Shut up, horseface. I can do it too."
"You shot the bride in the foot and hyung ended up locked in a hooker's closet for three hours."
"Again," Taeil adds resentfully around his mouthful of candy. Jaehyo scowls and flicks his ear hard.
"Hey, focus," Jiho snaps. "What about a Crazy Mino?"
"Not enough time, not enough people." Jaehyo groans, clawing the sides of his face in frustration. "God, we're gonna lose the boat..."
There's a moment of collective, gloomy silence, punctuated only by the sound of hardened corn syrup clacking against the back of Taeil's teeth. Jiho and Jaehyo start grimly debating with each other over what they can possibly steal-slash-pawn within the next twenty-four hours in order to legally make Yukown's bail. Kyung chews his lip thoughtfully.
"What about Hell in a Hand Basket?" he muses.
"Can't train a cat that quickly," Jiho mutters absently, brow furrowed in thought.
The cook shakes his head. "We don't need a cat. We can use Kyung Junior."
Jiho looks up. "You taught her how to roll dice on command?"
Kyung grins proudly. "Roll dice and push the elevator buttons."
Jaehyo and Taeil exchange confused glances.
"Who the hell is Kyung Junior?" Jaehyo demands.
"His pet chicken," Jiho says, and then, to Kyung, "That could work. It might-- yeah, no, that'll work."
"Wait, you kept that thing? I thought you were gonna eat it," Taeil says, amused.
Kyung shrugs. "That chicken is smart as hell, man. I felt bad." He twirls his knife excitedly. "So, we on?"
"We on," Jiho confirms, eyes and grin sharp. "Get Kyung Junior loaded up and meet us at the salon."
The cook salutes and leaves to his task. Jiho turns to his two remaining crew members.
"Alright, who wants to wear the dress?"