So This is Goodbye...
I have my Math final in fifteen minutes, and I've not slept.
Why, you ask?
Because I was looking for a file on my computer at two in the morning, and I came across a bunch of IM conversations with Aeryn.
ShotgunSnt: ask Bryan sometime how many girls I've dated lasted as long as you have
ShotgunSnt: it's a pretty low ratio :)
SomaPheonx: lol, I'll consider myself lucky, then :)
ShotgunSnt: you should, I was really fickle for a long time
ShotgunSnt: I think after a while most people just get on my nerves, and that makes it that much better when i find one I really love
SomaPheonx: awww, baby
ShotgunSnt: hehe
ShotgunSnt: :-*
*******
ShotgunSnt: hehe
ShotgunSnt: I love you so much, Star
ShotgunSnt: it took me almost 2 months to realize you're everything I have been looking for
SomaPheonx: oh, baby, I love you, too!
SomaPheonx: I feel exactly the same way
SomaPheonx: but I can't say that it took me two months, hehe
ShotgunSnt: hehee
ShotgunSnt: I made a big list that I kept working magick for, just a bunch of traits that i thought my perfect match would have
ShotgunSnt: and like, last weekend, it smacked me in the face
SomaPheonx: hehe
ShotgunSnt: I felt like a retard for a second :)
ShotgunSnt: but the happiest retard alive
SomaPheonx: lol, awww
SomaPheonx: you're gonna make me cry ::sniff::
ShotgunSnt: aww
ShotgunSnt: *kisses*
********
ShotgunSnt: gnighty gnight
SomaPheonx: I love you!
ShotgunSnt: you too, of me, of course
SomaPheonx: ::Mwuaaahhh!!!::
ShotgunSnt: I love you too, more than I ever thought i'd love anyone again
ShotgunSnt: :kisses:
SomaPheonx: ::even more kisses::
ShotgunSnt: :-*
SomaPheonx: :-*
SomaPheonx: I love you, Aeryn
ShotgunSnt: I love you too, Star
SomaPheonx: sleep sweet, baby
********
SomaPheonx: I love you
ShotgunSnt: I love you too
ShotgunSnt: very, very much
SomaPheonx: me, too, baby :)
ShotgunSnt: it was so strange on Friday... i was looking at you, and i felt a very unhappy part of myself just dissolve
SomaPheonx: im glad :)
ShotgunSnt: mmm... I wish I were down there
SomaPheonx: mmm... me, too
ShotgunSnt: I want to lick you all over
SomaPheonx: :)
ShotgunSnt: do you get love waves like during a roll?
SomaPheonx: yep
ShotgunSnt: yeah, I am in the middle of a big one :)
ShotgunSnt: and you're nowhere around!
SomaPheonx: awww, poor thing
ShotgunSnt: ehh, i'll live
SomaPheonx: i hope so!
ShotgunSnt: me too!
********
ShotgunSnt: I love you
ShotgunSnt: :-*
SomaPheonx: mwuaaahhh!!!
ShotgunSnt: I should go so I can start drawing before I get too tired
SomaPheonx: awww, stay just a smidge longer
ShotgunSnt: okay, you talked me into it
SomaPheonx: yay!!!
SomaPheonx: ::one BILLION flags::
ShotgunSnt: :)
ShotgunSnt: I'd do anything for you
SomaPheonx: don't forget you said that, now :)
ShotgunSnt: I won't, try me :)
********
And it all came flooding back. Staying up days on end just to get to talk to him online at night, and the jolt of my heart skipping a beat when he would sign online.
And I cried.
I cried like I haven't for a good, long time. Five hours worth of crying, as a matter of fact, at which point, I was still so upset that I couldn't sleep and decided to get up.
In a month and a half, it will have been a year and a half since the split.
So here it is, Aeryn - the big secret that I've been hiding in friends-only posts: I still love you.
How does it make you feel to know that the mere thought of you makes me cry? To know that I still love you now, after all the lies, all the bitterness, all the anger - just as much as I ever have. To know that, despite everything, I would probably still die for you, if need be.
Unfortunately, my love for you still doesn't change anything. Do you remember that promise that you made to me? Or was it forgotten as soon as it had been typed? All I wanted was your love and support - I've never asked you for more. But you can't be trusted. It's taken me nearly three years to finally figure that out, but I think I've got it.
Anyhoo, my Live-Journaly friends, it's been fun. I'm sick of all the fucking drama, so I'm abandoning this journal. Some of you may be invited to the new one, and others will not. If you don't want to keep reading, consider that to be your "Get Out of Jail Free" card, and don't add me. But keep in mind that if you don't get the invite, you are not invited and it will do you no good to add me. I do, however, make mistakes, so if you feel you've been neglected but would like to be included, let me know.
Ironic that I started this journal as an outlet for my feelings for Aeryn, only to have the last post be pretty much right back where I started.
And so, dear reader, I bid you a fond (and in some cases, not-so-fond) adieu.
The past has been erased, and I'm off to consume myself in flames...
Why, you ask?
Because I was looking for a file on my computer at two in the morning, and I came across a bunch of IM conversations with Aeryn.
ShotgunSnt: ask Bryan sometime how many girls I've dated lasted as long as you have
ShotgunSnt: it's a pretty low ratio :)
SomaPheonx: lol, I'll consider myself lucky, then :)
ShotgunSnt: you should, I was really fickle for a long time
ShotgunSnt: I think after a while most people just get on my nerves, and that makes it that much better when i find one I really love
SomaPheonx: awww, baby
ShotgunSnt: hehe
ShotgunSnt: :-*
*******
ShotgunSnt: hehe
ShotgunSnt: I love you so much, Star
ShotgunSnt: it took me almost 2 months to realize you're everything I have been looking for
SomaPheonx: oh, baby, I love you, too!
SomaPheonx: I feel exactly the same way
SomaPheonx: but I can't say that it took me two months, hehe
ShotgunSnt: hehee
ShotgunSnt: I made a big list that I kept working magick for, just a bunch of traits that i thought my perfect match would have
ShotgunSnt: and like, last weekend, it smacked me in the face
SomaPheonx: hehe
ShotgunSnt: I felt like a retard for a second :)
ShotgunSnt: but the happiest retard alive
SomaPheonx: lol, awww
SomaPheonx: you're gonna make me cry ::sniff::
ShotgunSnt: aww
ShotgunSnt: *kisses*
********
ShotgunSnt: gnighty gnight
SomaPheonx: I love you!
ShotgunSnt: you too, of me, of course
SomaPheonx: ::Mwuaaahhh!!!::
ShotgunSnt: I love you too, more than I ever thought i'd love anyone again
ShotgunSnt: :kisses:
SomaPheonx: ::even more kisses::
ShotgunSnt: :-*
SomaPheonx: :-*
SomaPheonx: I love you, Aeryn
ShotgunSnt: I love you too, Star
SomaPheonx: sleep sweet, baby
********
SomaPheonx: I love you
ShotgunSnt: I love you too
ShotgunSnt: very, very much
SomaPheonx: me, too, baby :)
ShotgunSnt: it was so strange on Friday... i was looking at you, and i felt a very unhappy part of myself just dissolve
SomaPheonx: im glad :)
ShotgunSnt: mmm... I wish I were down there
SomaPheonx: mmm... me, too
ShotgunSnt: I want to lick you all over
SomaPheonx: :)
ShotgunSnt: do you get love waves like during a roll?
SomaPheonx: yep
ShotgunSnt: yeah, I am in the middle of a big one :)
ShotgunSnt: and you're nowhere around!
SomaPheonx: awww, poor thing
ShotgunSnt: ehh, i'll live
SomaPheonx: i hope so!
ShotgunSnt: me too!
********
ShotgunSnt: I love you
ShotgunSnt: :-*
SomaPheonx: mwuaaahhh!!!
ShotgunSnt: I should go so I can start drawing before I get too tired
SomaPheonx: awww, stay just a smidge longer
ShotgunSnt: okay, you talked me into it
SomaPheonx: yay!!!
SomaPheonx: ::one BILLION flags::
ShotgunSnt: :)
ShotgunSnt: I'd do anything for you
SomaPheonx: don't forget you said that, now :)
ShotgunSnt: I won't, try me :)
********
And it all came flooding back. Staying up days on end just to get to talk to him online at night, and the jolt of my heart skipping a beat when he would sign online.
And I cried.
I cried like I haven't for a good, long time. Five hours worth of crying, as a matter of fact, at which point, I was still so upset that I couldn't sleep and decided to get up.
In a month and a half, it will have been a year and a half since the split.
So here it is, Aeryn - the big secret that I've been hiding in friends-only posts: I still love you.
How does it make you feel to know that the mere thought of you makes me cry? To know that I still love you now, after all the lies, all the bitterness, all the anger - just as much as I ever have. To know that, despite everything, I would probably still die for you, if need be.
Unfortunately, my love for you still doesn't change anything. Do you remember that promise that you made to me? Or was it forgotten as soon as it had been typed? All I wanted was your love and support - I've never asked you for more. But you can't be trusted. It's taken me nearly three years to finally figure that out, but I think I've got it.
Anyhoo, my Live-Journaly friends, it's been fun. I'm sick of all the fucking drama, so I'm abandoning this journal. Some of you may be invited to the new one, and others will not. If you don't want to keep reading, consider that to be your "Get Out of Jail Free" card, and don't add me. But keep in mind that if you don't get the invite, you are not invited and it will do you no good to add me. I do, however, make mistakes, so if you feel you've been neglected but would like to be included, let me know.
Ironic that I started this journal as an outlet for my feelings for Aeryn, only to have the last post be pretty much right back where I started.
And so, dear reader, I bid you a fond (and in some cases, not-so-fond) adieu.
The past has been erased, and I'm off to consume myself in flames...