(no subject)
>16/5/16 -On second thought, all of this was useless, unnecessary, and overtly dramatic. My life is perfectly fine. I can remember not being able to sleep and now I do not understand why. Maybe I should find more things to do.
On Monday, I walked into my first physics hons. class and Surprise! Test.
On Tuesday, I got kicked out of a music room for no apparent reason.
On Wednesday, I overthought so much I got a headache.
On Thursday, I fed my breakfast to the fat, greedy residents of the koi pond.
On Friday, I waited 45 minutes for the bus home - this is what my parents pay taxes for.
On Monday, I finished the surprise test early and left.
On Tuesday, I got voted class rep - possibly because my new classmates don't know me very well.
On Wednesday, I took a nice hot shower - the stupid school finally decided to send someone to fix our water heater.
On Thursday, I understood Math hons.
On Friday, I met my father and he told me to stop comparing myself my brother.
Whenever my brother does something great I feel like a complete failure. Lately I've been consumed by this fear of failing. I drop a hairclip and I feel like I've failed. I'm terrified of trying anything in case I might not actually do well and become a disappointment.
The school hired him as a physics coach the moment he graduated, so he has a job and all now. They definitely won't hire me for anything. I can imagine in 2 years time, when I'm waiting to enter university, my mother will ask "Why don't you go to school and teach something like he did?" and I'll almost cry at the thought of having to explain how I can't just choose to go and teach, they select the best 2 or 3 and I'm not among them and her looking disappointed with me. I can't bear the thought that I'm seen as the stupid kid even though I'm much better than most people in my own level. So I'll probably tell her she should have had one child and get slapped.
I'm not proud of myself anymore, I don't feel motivated to learn anything or do well like I used to last year. I've already failed in life because I'll never become as good as he is, which makes me very unhappy. I can't accept that he's smarter and more successful in every way - much better looking, much better liked etc. etc. There isn't any value in my life anymore. My friends don't understand at all because they think I'm smart, but in reality, I'm hopeless.
I changed my subjects because I didn't want to take everything he did and become a third rate copy of him, but now I regret it so much because I could have been good at some of those things, and it's not like I wouldn't be compared (I do it myself too) anyway if I didn't take them. I've gone and wasted my own abilities just so that I could be "different" somehow.
There's nothing I can do that he can't do except drawing useless pictures, which doesn't get me anywhere except make me happy during boring lessons.
I spend so many hours thinking about this whole thing that I can't get any proper sleep.