(no subject)
so im sitting here bawling.
should i be letting this get to me?
of course not.
so, here's the deal.
for the passed 3 weeks or so, ryan and i
have been texting/talking on the phone every
single day. he proceeded to tell me how much he
still loves me and that i make him happier than she
ever has. (his gf now).
told me that he wanted to come up and spend time with me.
even went as far as to ask me if he could kiss me when he came
up and even about sexual matters.
told me that he wanted to hold me and be with me.
and that WHEN we got back together, he'd make it right this time and
we would live together.
told me not to worry about anything and that he was going to do what he
should have kept doing all along.
but then this weekend his girlfriend decides we're getting too close and that
she's not going to ALLOW us to be friends. is she his fucking mom? so he calls
me later that night and appologizes for not being able to come over on sunday like
originally planned at that he'll still work something out, because he wants to see me.
but he asked me not to talk to her in the meantime, and i told him i wouldn't.
that was the last i heard. i sent him texts, left him voicemails, tried calling and got
absolutely nothing back. his girlfriend started suspecting something and started getting
angry. their already happening problems got worse and they started fighting a lot.
well, 2 days went by and i heard NOTHING from him. got no response from any of my attempts.
and then today she gets online and starts trying to talk to me. i told her i wasn't allowed
to talk to her and she said she knew that, but wanted to anyway, because she was sorry for how
things were going. i told her i didn't want to talk to her and tell her anything to make ryan hate
me anymore than it seemed he already does. she swore up and down that she wouldnt say anything to
him and that everything was between us and all that other blah blah bullshit. i told her repeatedly
no and she just kept pestering. over and over again she just kept asking and bugging. finally i told her
that all i was going to say was that he probably isnt as committed to her as he seems to be, which is
100,000,000% true. i told her i wasn't saying anything more and i was sorry, but i didn't want to cause problems. she blew up and told me i could have him and that she was wasting her time being with him and
all this other shit and then signed off. well, he gets online like 20 minutes later and starts cussing me
out online saying i've fucked everything up and that he only needed a few days of us not talking to think and that he DOES care about me. we argued for like 5 minutes and then he told me he would call me later when linsey could hear everything he was saying to me.
well, he called like 10 minutes ago and started out by yelling at me for talking to her.
i TRIED to explain the situation, but he was too thick headed to listen for 2 seconds.
he told me that he loved her and is going to purpose to her in july.
i then asked him why he's been telling me that he loves me and that i make him happier than her
and he BLEW UP yelling and cussing that i was a fucking liar and that he'd never said that before.
i then calmly say "why are you lying? daniel heard you say that. people have heard how you've been talking to me lately. people have seen the texts, ryan." and he blew up even more and said; "i dont care about fucking daniel. fuck daniel. and fuck all your other little fuck buddies." so apparently i'm a whore now? since you know, i've got a bajillion guys lined up to just fuck me and run. that's how i roll, i guess.
well, i started crying when he said that and my grandma grabbed the phone, cuz' she could hear him screaming from the other side of the room and said; "ryan, ryan.. ryan?" and then he hung up. i tried calling him back a few minutes later to see if he'd calmed down and could talk rationally, well, BAAAD idea. he started yelling again and told me to "stop fucking calling his god damn house". as if i call it allllll the time, right? well, he hung up again. and then a few minutes later he got online and this conversation happened..
pbrk15: fuck you amber, that's the last time we'll ever talk as long as we live..
hCpUnKnTrAiNiNg: dont see why you have to LIE. you know what youve said to me.
hCpUnKnTrAiNiNg: i was playing nice by not telling her ANYTHING.
hCpUnKnTrAiNiNg: but now i dont care.
pbrk15: tell your family goodbye for me..later..bye..I AM FUCKING DONE WITH YOU AND EVERYTHING
pbrk15: FUCK YOU
pbrk15: FUCK YOU
pbrk15: FUCK YOU
hCpUnKnTrAiNiNg: i supposedly have FUCK BUDDIES, so im gonna tell her everything. and fuck you over like you do ME.
pbrk15 signed off at 5:47:15 PM.
so i guess ryan's true colors are coming out.
i already texted linsey and told her i'd tell her everything.
no, not just to be a bitch right back, but to warn her before she
agrees to marry someone who has been so disloyal behind her back and
is fucking around without her knowing. making plans that he wants to have
sex, even with his ex-girlfriend. wow. i personally would like to know if i
was in her shoes. but who knows if i'll even really tell her. i don't know why i'm letting
this get to me so fucking much. i've been sitting here crying, even though i know he isn't worth
even a tear for me to shed. all he's done this entire time is backstabbed me, lied, given me false
hope, and proven that he needs serious anger management counsiling. i don't want to deal with him
anymore. and yet i'm sad. i'm crying. and i feel that even through this, i still love that jerk.
i know he says we'll never talk again.. and he's probably right. i'm sure he'll do everything in
his power to ensure i never talk to him again, but i don't know.. i just hate this. i hate my life
right now. i hate stress. i hate this drama. i hate not having a best friend to turn to in order to
get all of this shit out. livejournal is my best friend, wow.. THAT'S sad. everyone has someone.
and all of my friends have boyfriends or girlfriends that they can run to when they're feeling down
like this. and yet no matter how hard it seems like i'm trying, all i've got after me are people who
i know i won't work with. i've lost a lot of close people lately and i don't know how much more losing
i can take. or how much more emotional pain and stabbing my heart is going to go through.
i'm having a nervous break down.
and i'm on the edge of giving up, no matter how much everyone tells me that things will shape up soon.
fuck time! fuck soon. soon hasn't happened in 8 months.
8 months isn't fucking SOON.