-- why, WHY, wHy --
where do i begin in explaining any of this?
this isn't for anyone to really read, this is for my purpose only.
i don't care if anyone DOES read it, but know i'm not writing this for sympathy,
rather to vent all of these feelings inside of me right now.
the story of how all of this started isn't really necessary in understanding why
i'm hurt, so i'll jump straight to the facts;
lately zach has been seeming really distanced from me.
when we're talking on the phone and about to hang up, he just says; "k bye" and
hangs up, without time for any form of response from me.
i have been wondering whether or not it's just because he's so tired from working
2 jobs and up to 12 hour days, or because he's stressing out about moving, or because
of other issues in his life, or rather if it's because i've done something to fuck this
relationship up like the last one. well, tonight i finally got my answer.
this morning i made a fake myspace.. decorated it all nice, jacked some gorgeous girls pictures off her page, faked some information, and sent zach a message saying that he seemed interesting and cute and asking him to share some information about himself. he responded back tonight while he was online talking to me (rather ignoring me and typing to this girl instead) and said things like; "well, i'm single at heart but the situation is complicated" and gave her his number and more than invited her to call him up. we sent about 15 messages back and forth, all of which it seemed he was flirting with her and completely disregarding me. in the meantime of all these messages, i was also im'ing him on msn and talking about serious issues; such as if he really cared about me. he was too busy myspace messaging this other girl to respond with more than one word at a time every few minutes. finally i became aggitated, and in turn i pissed him off. i then dropped some very large hints that the girl was me and he peiced it together. of course he claimed that he knew it was me all along, etc. i asked him what he meant by him being single at heart and his response to me was; "we're just not connected anymore, you're not the one for me" << bluntly stated. and then i say; "then are we done? i mean you can't be with someone you don't have feelings for!" and he got upset with me and started typing like this ffffuuuucccckajuasfhpiugh and it was obvious i was aggitating him. he responded with a; "you know i'd tell you if i didn't want to be with you. i'm not afraid to say it." and then when asked why he'd want to be with someone he wasn't connected towards and if there was anything i could do to change it, he pretty much finally responded with "i dont know. i'm just crazy-- i jump off cliffs with all my clothes on, or no clothes. i stay out all night, even when i know i have to be at work at 3am the next morning. you're just not like that.." i told him i was willing to go out there, try new things, be crazy, and that i'd just been scepticle until now, because being crazy like that got me in trouble before. he told me he wasn't sure he would beleive me, because i'd said things like that before and shortly said; "i g2g. bye" and signed offline. i'm so confused. this is turning into ryan all over again.. where i give my all to someone, love them dearly, and then they throw me to the side of the road when they realize i'm not good enough. why is it that i can't just be that girl someone loves more than anything? that one girl who can take all of the pain away and replace it with happiness? i've found people who can do that for me-- and trick me into thinking i'm doing the same for them and then one day it all comes crashing down with the sending of a myspace message and the truth coming out for the world to see. why me? why now? why him? why like this? so many questions.. and nobody to answer them for me. i know you're all going to tell me; "oh, move on. don't dwell on this. things will get better and pass. you'll find someone new" but you people DON'T understand. most of you have people you love and who love you in return.. most of you have a secure present AND a secure future with the one you love and don't have to worry about making things better or worse. fuck. i don't know what to say. or what to do. i'm ruining everything. with everyone. first jennifer, and then emily and erika-- and now this. why do i always fuck over the people i love the most? i'm sorry i'm terrible. i don't deserve to be alive, i suppose.
--crying harder than ever--
whose to know where i'll go from here.
i can't beleive it's fucking happening again. NOT AGAIN!~!
i'm destined to be alone, it's official; maybe i should just give up. maybe i already have.
~ amber.