Supernatural ghetto voodoo detective story -Jan wk 1

[a_selfish_meme]

"Hey man! Are you alright?"

"Fuck off" the drunk man whispered, not looking up. The driver briefly tossed his head and licked his lips, impatient.

"You ain't looking too good, white boy. You know you're bleeding, right?"

The drunk man looked up, his eyes filling with childish wonder. He touched his face. His fingertips came away coated

Comments

[more_dragoncelt]

An interesting story, I appreciate you sharing it! Good luck in Week 1 of Brigit's Flame!

Edits

[ct_hol]

Hi there! I am one of your editors this week. I see you chose no holds barred so here are your edits

[cogni]

More, more!

[rephen]

Very cool. Strange and fast-paced and a little jumbled, but really cool. I like the language style and dialog very much. Enjoyed reading this. More, please.

[blythe025]

So far, I love this story. I love Juan and Dee and Billy Z.

The one thing that kind of bothered me was that you started with this fun conversational tone at the beginning of the story, kind of like a know it all narrator, an old buddy of Billy Z.'s, who was going to let you in on the down lo information. It made me smile and caught my attention when I first started reading, but after the first couple of paragraphs that narrator disappeared. The writing was still great with vivid descriptions and all, but I missed the tone, and I kept thinking about it, and kept wondering when that tone was going to come back. All that wondering about how that initial voice disappeared kind of yanked me out of the story a bit. My suggestion is to either keep the voice going throughout or remove it completely. But it's just a suggestion.