StoryBurst 4
=========================
Lycopenthropy
=========================
It all started with a bottle of ketchup.
It wasn’t even a brand-name variety. Justin was pretty sure it was the store brand. But Harriet didn’t care; he had used her ketchup and she wasn’t going to take it sitting down.
“You have no respect for other people’s property! We specified on the rental agreement that we would buy our own food. And I distinctly remember making sure that you understood that that applied to condiments, rice, seasonings, everything.”
“Yeah, but I-“
“No, there are no buts! You can’t just go about your life with the attitude that ‘oh, this one little violation won’t matter.’ And regardless of that, I was very clear that under no circumstances could you eat my food. You’re such an asshole.”
“Well, look, I’m sorry! I’ll buy you another bottle, okay?”
Harriet sighed with exaggerated exasperation. “It doesn’t work like that. You can’t just buy your way out of this.”
“What the fuck are you talking about? I used some of your ketchup, a physical commodity. I will replace the negligible amount that I used, plus about 1600% interest in ketchup form. Why can’t I buy my way out of this?”
“Because it’s not about the ketchup!”
Justin’s eyes were wide with incredulity and he flailed his arms as if attempting to find some plausible concept to grasp. Finding none, he merely sputtered and then threw down his arms. “What is it about then? What can I do? Or are you just gonna attack me for a while? I mean, it would be nice for you to let me know if there’s even any point in responding or if you’re just sort of yelling to yourself.”
--------------------
“What’s happening?” Beeps and gurney wheels constituted the bulk of the background noise.
“You know him, it’s anyone’s guess. Something about ketchup.” The nurse scribbled on a clipboard.
Justin rocked back and forth, his eyes unfocused, the straitjacket preventing his spasmodic muscle movements from hurting himself.
===============================
9:54 AM
===============================
Genevieve picked up the phone.
"Thank you for calling J.R. Peyton and Son where all your home cleaning needs are addressed please be aware that this call may be recorded for purposes of quality assurance this is Genevieve how can I help you today."
"Uhm, yes, hello, my name is Henry Burton, I recently purchased one of your Moplet six-packs?"
"We thank you for your business do you have the package handy sir."
"Uhm, yes, it's right here, do you need the serial number or something?"
"Please look on the bottom of the package and state clearly the number you see there."
"Well, that's.. right, okay, so it's, uhm, PEN-KJS823."
Genevieve took the opportunity presented by the man's expectant silence to gaze out the window. She took a relatively deep breath before continuing.
"Thank you sir the lot number helps us to track comments on our products and address issues more efficiently now what can we do for you today."
"Well, you see, I was using the Moplet--which is great, let me just say, they're all I ever use to clean the kitchen floor--but the strangest thing happened. And mind you, I've been using this product for quite some time now, so I know how it's supposed to act, but this was definitely not normal. So I had assembled it and was, you know, mopping, when all of a sudden the little, uh, the... the you know, strands, or whatever, on the end? They turned into snakes."
"That is indeed unexpected behavior sir can you tell me more about these snakes."
"Well, they, uh... they were sort of brown with orange and black stripes. Like there were orange stripes, but there was some black lining the orange."
"Did the snakes attack you sir."
"Well, no, I sort of got away from them once I noticed, and, you know, they're still attached to the mop head thing, so I don't think they're going anywhere."
"Sir it sounds like your Moplet has turned into kingsnakes. They are not poisonous and if you can detach them from the Moplet they make good pets. Otherwise, I would suggest contacting your local Animal Control Department. Is there anything else I can do for you today."
"Erm, well, no, but I -"
"Thank you for calling J.R. Peyton and Son your call means a lot to us have a great day."
Genevieve hung up and typed "RESOLVED" in the Call Report. She checked her clock and sighed.