i am a meta-head
[A double-long... I read the first half in the first round, and the second in the second. Probably didn't help the whole thing too much. Read for KPP Semi-Finals, Feb 5, 2007.]
what if there was really nothing?
wouldn’t that be fuckin rad?
what fun, what freedom, with no dichotomy of good or bad
an empty mind, an empty soul, waiting to be filled, to be made whole
with your choice of ingredients and your style of preparation
and leaving all sorts of room for innovation!
how fuckin awesome would THAT be?
so carpe diem, seize the day!
don’t let the moment slip away!
your life is yours to live, you know!
go, be happy! go, man, go!
oh, me, you ask? why aren’t I?
well I’ll just keep an eye on things here
I mean no sense in leaving stuff all untended
and there are corners to clean, floors to be mended.
no, no, but thank you, I’ll just remain home
I’ll wipe down the glasses and watch tv. alone.
and I’ll refresh my inbox and check facebook once more.
I don’t need to go hiking; I’ll take the virtual tour.
yes, you all go out now and have a great time.
I’ll be okay here, yes, I’ll be just fine.
I don’t mind at all! it’s really quite nice
to stay home and.. you know, it’s really.. quite… nice.
(god dammit, he said,
now I start up again
realizing something halfway through
realizing that life would be better with you
noticing in such a way as to spark empathy
that my thoughts are not working to make me happy
and then I can have some great inspiration
some universal truth which sates aspiration
an epiphany which I have had thrice before
but from which I have always discarded the core
I kept all the skin, reassembled it there,
and then glanced at it daily, made others aware
of just how impressive, how stable I was
after having found this theory of existence or love
but it really just sat there, slowly imploding
and I no longer sailed but was merely floating
pointing it out to those who would listen
“look, how exciting! it glows and it glistens!
please, come and share it! I offer it up
to you and your friends and … anyone…”
and then I took a look back and my theoretical fruit,
my baby, my pride, my cerebral loot
was nothing but crumpled-up, crusty, and dry
and I looked at my shoes and I said “well. I tried.”
[arbitrary break]
so I went out again in search of another
and I found one and two and three and then
I started to tell myself fabrications again
“oh my dear fruit,” I said as I disemboweled my newest prize.
“Oh you’re so cute, I’ll just take you home and everyone will see with their own eyes
that I am successful at this
that I can find my own way
I don’t need old books or a mind-blowing stay
at a villa in Spain where I’m completely alone
and can think back on life without tv or phone.
I came up with you, and all on my own!”
and just as I said this, I fell on the ground
and drew my knees closer
my arms around my head
and a deep, trembling sigh [cut for time]
oh man, I thought, I’m doing this wrong
I’m losing the game, ruining the song
something is awry with the way that I’m working
something is always quietly lurking
and I am not sufficiently strong
I have been ignoring it all along
instead of preparing for this inevitable day
I have been vapidly waving it away.
“oh god,” I thought, and I curled up tighter
“perhaps if I wait enough the day will be brighter…”
and slowly it was, and I untied myself
and washed off my face and I said “you know what?”
“fuck you, inability to comprehend life!
fuck you, and your mother, and your kids and your wife!”
And I schemed a short while, came up with a hook
and a for a brief time I admired the plot I had cooked.
if I cannnot defeat the demons I fear
I can simply admit them! to a crowded theater!
and once I have been oh so brutally honest
and been open and said something that makes people nod
it will not matter that I have done nothing
that I have gone nowhere from where I began.
I’m running in place, but as far as they care,
I just won the race! I’m meeting the mayor!
ah yes I have cracked the inimitable code
I have discovered fusion, I have hit the motherlode!
by being relentless in being aware
of myself and my thoughts and my various cares
I will score points with everyone! touchdown! go team!
the girls, they will flock to a studmuffin like me [I managed to forget all of this. oops]
now all I need is an engaging beginning
something triumphant? some quip about winning?
no, too cliché, too in-your-face positive
something intriguing… something more… causative
nihilism! oh totally, nothingness is great
I can be all gung ho about not having a fate!
and then I can turn it from that into this
and further cement my future of bliss!
Amazing, Alex, you’ve done it again.
You’ve taken a pencil and called it a pen!
you’ve shown that boys can pretend to be men!
you’ve successfully wasted all your brainpower
learning not to escape, but more successfully cower.
what if there was really nothing?
wouldn’t that be fuckin rad?
what fun, what freedom, with no dichotomy of good or bad
an empty mind, an empty soul, waiting to be filled, to be made whole
with your choice of ingredients and your style of preparation
and leaving all sorts of room for innovation!
how fuckin awesome would THAT be?
so carpe diem, seize the day!
don’t let the moment slip away!
your life is yours to live, you know!
go, be happy! go, man, go!
oh, me, you ask? why aren’t I?
well I’ll just keep an eye on things here
I mean no sense in leaving stuff all untended
and there are corners to clean, floors to be mended.
no, no, but thank you, I’ll just remain home
I’ll wipe down the glasses and watch tv. alone.
and I’ll refresh my inbox and check facebook once more.
I don’t need to go hiking; I’ll take the virtual tour.
yes, you all go out now and have a great time.
I’ll be okay here, yes, I’ll be just fine.
I don’t mind at all! it’s really quite nice
to stay home and.. you know, it’s really.. quite… nice.
(god dammit, he said,
now I start up again
realizing something halfway through
realizing that life would be better with you
noticing in such a way as to spark empathy
that my thoughts are not working to make me happy
and then I can have some great inspiration
some universal truth which sates aspiration
an epiphany which I have had thrice before
but from which I have always discarded the core
I kept all the skin, reassembled it there,
and then glanced at it daily, made others aware
of just how impressive, how stable I was
after having found this theory of existence or love
but it really just sat there, slowly imploding
and I no longer sailed but was merely floating
pointing it out to those who would listen
“look, how exciting! it glows and it glistens!
please, come and share it! I offer it up
to you and your friends and … anyone…”
and then I took a look back and my theoretical fruit,
my baby, my pride, my cerebral loot
was nothing but crumpled-up, crusty, and dry
and I looked at my shoes and I said “well. I tried.”
[arbitrary break]
so I went out again in search of another
and I found one and two and three and then
I started to tell myself fabrications again
“oh my dear fruit,” I said as I disemboweled my newest prize.
“Oh you’re so cute, I’ll just take you home and everyone will see with their own eyes
that I am successful at this
that I can find my own way
I don’t need old books or a mind-blowing stay
at a villa in Spain where I’m completely alone
and can think back on life without tv or phone.
I came up with you, and all on my own!”
and just as I said this, I fell on the ground
and drew my knees closer
my arms around my head
and a deep, trembling sigh [cut for time]
oh man, I thought, I’m doing this wrong
I’m losing the game, ruining the song
something is awry with the way that I’m working
something is always quietly lurking
and I am not sufficiently strong
I have been ignoring it all along
instead of preparing for this inevitable day
I have been vapidly waving it away.
“oh god,” I thought, and I curled up tighter
“perhaps if I wait enough the day will be brighter…”
and slowly it was, and I untied myself
and washed off my face and I said “you know what?”
“fuck you, inability to comprehend life!
fuck you, and your mother, and your kids and your wife!”
And I schemed a short while, came up with a hook
and a for a brief time I admired the plot I had cooked.
if I cannnot defeat the demons I fear
I can simply admit them! to a crowded theater!
and once I have been oh so brutally honest
and been open and said something that makes people nod
it will not matter that I have done nothing
that I have gone nowhere from where I began.
I’m running in place, but as far as they care,
I just won the race! I’m meeting the mayor!
ah yes I have cracked the inimitable code
I have discovered fusion, I have hit the motherlode!
by being relentless in being aware
of myself and my thoughts and my various cares
I will score points with everyone! touchdown! go team!
the girls, they will flock to a studmuffin like me [I managed to forget all of this. oops]
now all I need is an engaging beginning
something triumphant? some quip about winning?
no, too cliché, too in-your-face positive
something intriguing… something more… causative
nihilism! oh totally, nothingness is great
I can be all gung ho about not having a fate!
and then I can turn it from that into this
and further cement my future of bliss!
Amazing, Alex, you’ve done it again.
You’ve taken a pencil and called it a pen!
you’ve shown that boys can pretend to be men!
you’ve successfully wasted all your brainpower
learning not to escape, but more successfully cower.