(no subject)
whats the matter maryjane?
had a hard day
as you place the dont disturb sign on the door
you lost your place in line again
what a pity
you never seem to wanna dance anymore....
Zara ran down the stairs in her sweats with her headphones on, running more determined than ever. He didn't hurt her. He couldn't hurt her. Nobody could hurt her because she didn't care about anybody here, right? She ran in rhythm with the music, fast techno beats she only listened to when she was running. The only thing that mattered was her dancing, and making her parents happy. Jay could do whatever the fuck he wanted.
it's a long way down
on this rollercoaster
the last chance streetcar
went off the track
and you're on it.
Her dancing had been slacking. She was exhausted. She hadnt been able to sleep since they moved. Her parents fought everynight. Selling their house and belongings and moving to the apartment barely covered her father's debt. Her mother had to get a job. But she had no skills, except being a trophy. She was beautiful once. And stylish and decadent. Now she wore a uniform. She taped boxes shut at a local papergoods factory. She was bitter. Her father was sleepign with his new secretary. Everything had fallen apart. It made Zara's feet pound angrily against the pavement, running harder. They could do whatever the fuck they wanted too. All that mattered was her dancing. She had to stay focused. She almost lost that for a moment in Jay, and her dancing suffered. It would not happen again.
I hear you're counting sheep again maryjane
whats the point in trying to dream again
I hear you're losing weight again maryjane
Do you ever wonder who you're losing it for
Well its full speed baby
In the wrong direction
There's a few more bruises
If thats the way you insist on heading...
She ran back up her stairs an hour and a half later, soaked in sweat. She grabbed a water bottle from the fridge and set it on the counter, and stood for a moment, catching her breath, before grinning and going quickly to the bathroom. She stepped on the scale and stared in disbelief. 100 pounds. She had lost nothing. Nothing at all. She looked in the mirror, lifting up the side of her shirt and pinching her side slightly. She made a face at the fatty skin, pulling it away from her hip bone, her eyes filling up with angry tears. How could this not work? She had tried EVERYTHING.
Please be honest maryjane
are youhappy
Please dont censor your tears...
As she wandered out into the kitchen, something snapped. What was it all for? wiped the side of her face, opening the cupboard above the sink. Her father was a large man. He ate things her mother had made her terrified of. And she tore into package after package of his food, eating hurriedly. Maybe it didnt even matter anymore. She could just get fat and accept the poor, lonely, messed up life she was living. Fat. The idea made her stop. She caught her reflection in the window, holding a bag of chips, and suddenly felt sick. She rushed to the bathroom, panicky. She leaned over the toilet, lurching forward violently several times until she was rid of her stupidity and she felt better.
You're the sweet crusader
And you're on your way
You're the last great innocent
And that is why I love you
She stood up slowly, breathing heavily. Zara caught her reflection in the mirror and stared in disbelief. Was this her? She leaned over the counter, for the first time that she could remember, letting her veneer down and crying violently. It was all so fucked up. She couldn't be fat. She couldn't. That had to be, in her mind, why Jay didnt want her anymore. Why her dancing was lacking. Why everything was wrong. It had to be because it was the only thing that she could control. She had done everything. She had done everything the right way. She ate healthy. She excercised regularly. But there had to be something more. And maybe this was it. She tried to calm herself down, downing her water thoughtfully. She couldn't fall apart. She had to take care of it. She had to take care of herself. Because nobody else would.
so take this moment maryjane, and be selfish
Worry not about the cars that go by
Cause all that matters maryjane is your freedom
So keep warm my dear. Keep dry.