Coffee-Mate
Title: Coffee-Mate
Author: Aaeth Payne
Rating: PG
Genre and/or Pairing: implied Past Dean/Lisa
Spoilers: up to 5.22
Word Count: 1,001
Warnings: unbetaed for now!! All mistakes are mine.
Disclaimer: None of these wonderful characters are mine. All these boys are belong to Kripke.
Summary: This was not the way she’d ever pictured her life.
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She does her best to hold him
When his love comes to call
But his need for it controls him
And her back’s against the wall
And it’s so long, girl, I’ll see you
When it’s time for him to go
- The Rodeo, Garth Brooks
This was not the way she’d ever pictured her life. Lisa slipped the sandwich- cut diagonally, light on mayo and no tomato- into the sandwich baggie and dropped it into the plain brown bag on the counter. The bag was quickly snatch up and shoved into Ben’s backpack on his way out the door as he shouted his goodbyes over his shoulder. Plain brown, because Dean wouldn’t have used a lunchbox.
So much of her life was dictated by what Dean would have or wouldn’t have done- even the years that he wasn’t there. She turned to the coffee pot that was almost done with its percolating. And now that Dean was there, but not really her mind needled her, it was almost ten times worse.
The machine interrupted her thoughts with a metallic ping and she got the large heavy mug down from the shelf where it had taken up residence, lording over the delicate china teacups. She barely had time to pour the coffee- dark and rich into the mug before it was gently pulled out of her hand.
“Hey.” He drank it straight long and deeply and Lisa could barely contain her shudder of disgust. It was always the same, but she never got used to seeing it. How could anyone like it that way?
“Hey.” She doctored her own small cup, still grimacing at the taste even with all the sugar. He assured her it just took a little time to get used to the taste. Lisa added a bit more cream and considered investing in some of those Coffee-Mate flavors. He wouldn’t approve and it would be more toxins than she’d like, but at this point Lisa didn’t think she’d ever get used to this.
There was a long silence as they stood together, but not together, in the kitchen. Dean leaned against the island and looked out the large sunny window to the back yard. There was a permanent line of salt decorating the ledge where she once kept her plants. Now the ledge needed to be clear just in case he needed good line of sight. Just in case.
“I’m gonna be gone a little while.” He didn’t look at her; just took another drink of his coffee. The morning light was harsh and unforgiving, highlighting the deep circles under his eyes and the beginning of grey at his temples.
Once she would have questioned how long or where he was going. Now, she knew that he wasn’t ever going to answer her. He wanted her and Ben to be safe from that life. But that safety meant she was never going to get to know all of him. And she didn’t think about the one time she’d suggested he not go. That he should just stay with them. It seemed the only way she’d get to keep him was if she let him go. Let him go again and again. Until the day that he didn’t come back at all.
“Ok.” She set her coffee down on the counter and made sure her voice was light and even. She even wiped the small, frown form her face. The small frown that had become almost a fixture there recently.
With two steps she crossed the room to his side and gently rested her hand on his shoulder- not the left. She’d learned not to ever touch the left shoulder. That had a mark Dean was very… protective of and would not discuss.
Still, he tensed under her touch like he always did. It was just a moment, but it happened every time. Still, he reached up to cover her hand with his own and gave her fingers a gentle squeeze. He turned his head to look at her, and it struck her again just how beautiful he really was. How beautiful and miserable. And she smiled, taking the mug from his hand. “I’ll make this to go.”
He shot her a quick grin, but his eyes were flat and dead. “Thanks.”
Lisa grabbed the large travel mug from where it was shoved in the cupboard, near the front and in the way. It should have been at the back because of its bulk, but it was used too frequently for that to be convenient. She poured the coffee into the travel mug and topped it off with fresh coffee from the machine before holding it out. “I think Ben and I will be gone away when you get back.” She held his gaze steadily.
He only paused a moment before taking the travel mug from her hand. “I see.” He took a drink and leaned back, his shoulders tense with fight or flight. But the lines in his face were easing with acceptance. Even if the relief was hidden in his eyes, she could see it. Maybe it was because they mirrored her own.
She could tell him it wasn’t him, that it was her. And it was possibly true. Maybe a stronger woman, another woman, could have helped him. But Lisa was pretty sure that whatever Dean needed, it hadn’t ever been hers to give. That he’d been more right than he’d known saying her life wasn’t his.
But he was already moving from the counter, his movements more purposeful than they had been since the very first time she saw him all those years ago. He moved like a predator deeper into the house into their- nominally- shared bedroom to collect the few belongings he’d left there.
It took only a few minutes for him to emerge, looking years younger, with a duffel bag slung over his shoulder. Lisa gave him a nod and a small smile which he returned. And finally there was the man she’d remembered. But not her man. He walked out of the front door just as he had so many times before; she hoped that this time he’d find what he’d been chasing.
The Impala roared in the driveway as Lisa poured the coffee down the drain.