Lots of reflecting early in the morning.
So it's a little early, but I'm about 2 seconds from falling asleep on my calc book...again. I can't tell you how much I hate how my neighbors play loud music late at night. They make me want to get a fog horn and blow it at 6 in the morning, when I'm awake, but no one else is. Fucking jerks. Sorry, that was an unnecessary tirade. It just took a long time for me to fall asleep last night, and I'm really tired now.
So this semester was interesting, to say the least. A lot of new experiences. I can't say I enjoyed all of it--but it did have its ups and downs. I was just thinking about all that Greg and I have been through. The distance makes us fight a lot. Well, it bothers me a lot...and if you know me, you know I get combative when I'm stressed, and I tend to freak out easily. And when I do, I push people. And so I've been abrasive the past month. We've been through a lot of tough times, and yet we're still together. amazing.
It makes me think of what Archie told me...she said that when one big thing leaves your life, it's only making room for something even bigger. And at the time I was a little skeptical, but now I feel like she was completely right. As one person was leaving my life, another came in...well, you can argue he didn't really leave my life. We kind of drifted apart...quickly. But that's because I finally realized that we didn't really have anything in common anymore. And yeah, I miss him sometimes, and I should try to talk to him more, but it's like he's from another lifetime. And yes, I think I will always have a softspot for him--we've shared so much. It's a slightly bittersweet feeling. I'm kind of rambling to myself now, but that's okay...people usually don't read up to this point.
Honestly, it feels like yesterday. High school went by so fast. It's incredibly amazing how quickly we've grown and changed--I can't even imagine how much we're going to have changed by the time we're done with college. It's amazing how little it takes to completely change a person. I don't know if I've changed a lot or if a side of me that was always hidden is just coming out now. I haven't psychoanalyzed myself yet.
This semester has tested every inch of me. Mentally, emotionally, and physically. I've decided not to eat at the dining hall for a while. The food's actually starting to make me sick. So now I do breakfast there, and that's about it. Last night Greggy and I got subway. Tonight I'll probably go to Blue Jay if I decide to eat. I'm afraid that food might start to make me sick too. Yesterday I took 5 motrin for a headache that didn't go away. Basically, I'm barely going to make it to Christmas break. By the time I finish my last final, I will be a copy of a copy of a copy of who I used to be. I'm in pretty bad shape already. It's tiring...pushing myself so hard all the time. But I don't know how else to be...and I have dreams I need to achieve. So I guess it's okay to make small sacrifices now. That's how I look at it anyway.
I just hope I make it in the end. I can't tell you how disappointed I was when I didn't get into my first choice. It was like a slap in the face--I could have relaxed a little more. I didn't have to do research. God. I have to do that again. It's going to kill me again...especially if I have to stay here for the summer to do it. I don't know if I'm up for that. I should probably look for a research position this summer at Stony Brook. Then next summer, between soph/jr. year, I'll have a lab to go back to. Then I'll be able to say I did research for my med school app. God. I just don't want to do it here. It's still early to say, but I hate it here. This stupid school has fucked me over multiple times already. If I can't get a research position this summer, I'll work in a hospital or something. It's like high school ALL over again...only harder, more frustrating, and I don't even have the comforts of home. I guess my plan works though. Ugh. I better work on my cover letter. Odd numbered education years always suck. okay, I know what I have to do. I'm going to do it.