Okay, so maybe "soon" didn't quite happen...
Yikes, my last entry was November 6th!! And here it is, almost December, and I'm still woefully absent from lj...it's just so tricky to try to jump back into it, I suppose, especially since I'd have to insert a lot of backstory for many things now (like my world at "Wicked," where I've now been working for almost a month, for example, or my internship at Araca, which I've never really talked about on here...or my strained relationship with my roommate, Amanda - who, incidentally, just booked a recurring role as a nurse on "All My Children," lol). Hmmm.
It's also frustratingly strange, because I've been feeling kinda like I'd lost my voice, my self-expression, as if I'd silenced and muffled myself, or allowed myself to be. :( Which is the worst possible thing for my life, especially right now, when I'm carving out a new place for myself (literally and metaphorically) and coming into my own, or at least attempting to! I've just been under so much stress and been so busy (especially now that I'm working just about every night at the Gershwin!), and with so few friends around here to really spend time with, that in all of it I think I've lost some touch with who I really am and what I really want, and the courage/energy to honestly express it all. Or even the sense that anyone cares to hear about it.
But, I have a life here, even if it's still a struggle right now, and even if I haven't been broadcasting it...this afternoon, as I spend a solitary Thanksgiving chilling out in my apartment (Amanda is out, so I have some nice alone time here...no dinner or family gatherings to attend, alas, as my family is scattered all over and I can't afford to go anywhere, but that's okay; Laura may be coming here for Xmas, at least!), I found myself smiling as I repeated to myself out loud, "I'm a New Yorker. I live in New York City" and "I'm 30 years old". :) Both are still so new to me, and it sounds so glorious to be able to really be a New Yorker now, no longer stuck in a place I didn't belong, and felt trapped in for years...but to instead be in my favorite city in the world, where I feel alive and at "home," even when I'm alone and lonely! I may be poor and underemployed and a bit of a wreck still sometimes here so far, but I'm here, I made it here. I made this happen. I said I was going to FINALLY move to NYC this year, before I turned 30, and I did! It's a pretty big accomplishment to me when I really think about it (even though it might not seem like it to some people - but who cares what they think?? I know what it means to me!), and how for a long time in MI I felt despairingly like I would never be able to get here, like it was some distant dream. Well, I'm here...and now I can embark on making other dreams come true, or at least reaching for as much happiness and fulfillment as I can eke out in this world.
I'm still lonely, I still get lost and confused and depressed, but at least my life is finally moving somewhere. Even just working in a Broadway theatre, even though it's just selling overpriced t-shirts and trinkets (btw, I was one of the top "Wicked" sellers last week, boo-yah!), is still so exciting to me, and feels so "right", unlike all the many jobs I've loathed...and the Araca internship isn't forever, but it's also hopefully a step towards some kind of career in the theatre world (I also joined the American Theatre Wing's awesome Theatre Intern Group btw, went to my first meeting this month, where we learned all about the theatre publicity business!), or at least a chance to make some valuable contacts, anyway. (Now, if I can just get another good-paying part-time gig so I can truly support myself, and hopefully not have to work every single show at Wicked!)
I feel like I'm turning a new page in my life, despite all the lows I've had since getting here (primarily over money issues, alas, and of course my broken foot, cut finger, and the ensuing medical bills, etc., not to mention the creepy guy on a bike who's grabbed my ass on the street in the Hell's Kitchen area where I work at Araca three times, grrr). A month ago I was barely able to pay my rent and on the verge of possible eviction, but I made it through. I can pay my December rent on Monday, just barely, and I've survived this month in large part due to some money from both my parents for my b-day/Xmas (in lieu of any gifts), but at least I have the Wicked income now for starters, little though it may be. I am gonna keep going and keep growing here, cuz impoverished or not, I AM A MOTHERFUCKING NEW YORKER NOW, people!!! :D Hehe.
P.S. I am finally gonna get to see my all-time idol Ms. KATE WINSLET in person on Monday night, when I attend her Q&A discussion thing with Sam (Mendes) about "Revolutionary Road" at the NY Times, wahoo!! :) :) I doubt I'll get a chance to actually meet her or anything, but even just being in the same damn auditorium with her will be a thrill. Come on, this is the woman I ran an acclaimed fansite for for yeeears, and whose every TV talk-show appearance I have on tape, not to mention every single film!! I still have an entire drawer packed with dozens of Kate-cover magazines throughout the years! I shall forever be a "rabid Kate fan," or "Kate Nazi", as we once jokingly called ourselves online...
P.P.S. For my big 30th birthday last Monday, I got to see "Rock of Ages" off-Bway for the second time for free, thanks to more comp tix from the awesome Carl Levin (not the Michigan senator, heh, but one of the RoA producers, who works at Araca!), with my buds Julian, charmedgirl and webmd, plus dinner beforehand at Pinch and Smac on the Upper West Side with them and zorpo! (Their four-cheese mac and cheese was the yummiest thing EVER...) I had to work that day at Araca, and at times it was an unhappy/disappointing birthday, and not quite the major 30th celebration I used to imagine (you know me, I get my hopes up too much and get crushed when things don't turn out perfectly!), but in the end I think it turned out pretty well, and I did have some serious fun at RoA (where Julian even bought all us girls drinks! RoA is a big alcohol-consumption show, lol...I can't wait to see it a third time, although Carl said he can't get me any more comps - he can get me $18 friend of the show tix, though! I wanna take Laura if she comes to town!). I'm also grateful to have had a chance to hang out with my closest "NYC friends," who ironically didn't know each other. I'm grateful to have already had friends when I moved here, thanks to lj, Xena fandom, and all kinds of online social life...now I'm working on making even more NYC friends, here in my "real life" world. I've bonded with a few ppl so far at Wicked (and Araca), which makes me happy. :)
Can you believe I'm 30?!? Although I've had dozens of people the past couple weeks be shocked to learn that, saying I look much younger (Hank at Araca guessed I was turning 20 or 21, lol!), I actually do feel lately like I really am 30 now...that I have the maturity and wisdom, or at least experience, that comes with making it through your 20's, even if you stumbled a lot. I look at myself in the mirror and see the face of a beautiful, intelligent 30-year old woman, who is getting stronger every day (maybe even as a result of all the painful trials that have been visited upon me in the process of getting here to NYC and since I've arrived) despite all her insecurities, and becoming who she is meant to be, and I have no wish to return to my 20's. I am ready to face the future, whatever it may hold, and experience my 30's here in the Big Apple!
So, I guess on this day of thanks, I want to give thanks to those who have helped me be where and who I am today, and to realize that I am lucky in a lot of ways, even though I still have trials and misfortunes. Sometimes the pain of the things I don't have (like someone to love and be loved by, sigh) makes me forget what I do have...and hey, no matter what I lose or lack, I always have myself. And I am worth a hell of a lot. :) I need to remind myself of that, and truly believe it! It's hard, but...I think I'm getting closer.
P.P.P.S. On a more superficial note, I got my hair cut a week ago, for FREE (thanks to a student at the Carsten Aveda Institute in Union Square, who I found on salonapprentice.com; thanks, Leah!), yaay!! I badly needed a cut, especially to get rid of all the heaviness and my damaged, brassier-colored ends, and it felt also like a good way to kick off the 30-year old me. It's now just a bit below shoulder length, she hacked off a great deal...I really love it (tis a lot lighter and healthier, for starters), and have gotten a good response to it, too! Will try to get some pics soon, k?
Oh, and one more thing...big props to the wonderful alysbowie, my Canadian angel, who sent me THREE things from my Amazon wish list (which almost no-one but me ever uses, heh) for my b-day!! She got me "Desperately Seeking Susan" (yay 80's NYC Madonna) and "Clash of the Titans" on dvd, and the Isa Moskowitz cookbook Vegan With A Vengeance...now I need to get actual ingredients and cook someday. :) Thanks again, Alys! I've been enjoying the $25 Starbucks gift card webmd gave me at my b-day dinner (along with two black-and-white cookies), too!
Okay, I need to end this damn entry already, but wanted to also mention that I finally got to see "Spring Awakening" on B'way this past Sunday night (with zorpo and a friend of his, we lined up for $27 student tix that morning b4 I went to Wicked for the matinee), and while I was kinda "meh" at times during and right afterwards, I have since decided I really loved it, actually, especially the more I listen to and remember the music. I kinda wanna see it again now, especially b4 it closes January 19! Hunter Parrish from "Weeds" is Melchior these days, incidentally, and a surprisingly excellent singer...
Also, I loooove that living in NYC I can at last regularly attend Rachel Kramer Bussel's fabulous In The Flesh monthly reading series, which Jill charmedgirl and I have thus far enjoyed twice at the lovely (and aptly named) Happy Ending Lounge in Chinatown/Lower East Side. :D
I did yoga this week for the first time since moving here, woot!! I need to try to keep it up!
Leaving you with the two songs from S.A. I'm currently obsessed with...dedicated to a certain someone. :)
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