8/21/2010
My Canadian little brother Terry Swanston killed himself on Saturday, August 21, 2010, sometime around noon, probably.
He had been disengaging himself from us for years.
He said he was sorry.
He said I couldn't help him because he wouldn't let me.
Ed and I had been on call to help if we were needed for...as long as I can remember right now.
I was in the shower when his wife called me the first time. She'd gotten Ed already, but he was in Reading. I was only home because I was sick and medicated; if I'd felt well, I'd have gone with him.
I was at the house about ten minutes after I got her on the phone. On the way, I was worried that I didn't have a key to their house with me...there was already a crowd when I got there.
The first thing she told me was that he was gone. My first question was "Where did he go?" But I don't think she heard me.
She told me what he'd done, but I still didn't get it. I thought I'd heard her wrong because she was crying, or that we would be going to the hospital to wait for him to get out of surgery.
I figured out he was dead when I realized the ambulance was just sitting there, not in a hurry. And then the coroner's van drove up.
I didn't tell her everything was going to be okay. It seemed important not to lie.
K asked me to call his parents because she couldn't, so I did. I told his dad because his mom wasn't home.
Angi's brother Joe was there; he's a police officer. I didn't recognize him until I read the name on his shirt, but he recognized Keira and me and called Angi after he left, which was a good thing. I found out later that Joe was the one who found the body. I'm glad it wasn't a stranger.
Ed called me back around then too...I tried not to tell him because I knew he had a long drive back from Linda's, but I couldn't lie to him when he asked me to tell him if Terry was alive or not. I told him not to speed.
K said she couldn't think about the clean up crew, so I took care of that. I hung up on the first one because its automated message was awful.
Ed, Derek and I got the cats out of the house. Derek told me I didn't have to go upstairs, but I did anyway. Derek also told me I didn't have to look in the bathroom, but I did anyway.
It wasn't as bad as it should have been. I suppose he was being considerate.
We wanted to tell everyone and no one at the same time. We thought his friends had a right to know, but couldn't decide when or how to fuck up their day.
I told my sister on the phone because I thought she should know. I probably shouldn't have done it that way. Then I told my dad. I wanted to tell my mom after, but I couldn't make myself say it again. She called me back pretty quick anyway.
We all sat at Keira's mom's house that afternoon. Angi drove us over, which was a good thing for us. Dawn and Kelly were there when we got there, they had left as soon as Ed called Dawn. We got drunk at our place after...Ken came too. I don't really remember much from that night, but the yelling.
I went back to the house on Sunday, and Monday, and Tuesday to pick stuff up for Keira. Tuesday I yelled at Christina over a Facebook misunderstanding and ended up having hysterics on the couch at the house. Christina, Derek and Ed came to the house to help me with things, and she and Ed made up. Christina said she wasn't upset with me, and later that night I went to help plan the funeral cards and program.
I told Jen how he'd done when she asked. She said everyone was hiding it from her...I told her it was just that no one wanted to say it out loud.
Monday I went to the coroner’s office to pick up the suicide note. K’s aunt told me it was my responsibility to read it before I let K see it. The woman at the office helped me decide it was okay to do that, since I was in it.
Wednesday, Terry's parents, sister, Ed and I went to see Terry's body. K almost called it off, but let us when I told her it was important to me, and not just an obligation.
I made us take Thursday off. We went to a movie.
The funeral was Friday, 8/27/10. Ed spoke well, and I'm proud of him. I did all right, and will type up what I said separately. We ended the day at our house like I wanted, surrounded by friends.
The week was mostly a blur.
Today is Monday, 8/30/2010 and I'm back at work.
I'm tired.