That's happened to me (once), but it was the opposite way around.
"Why are you willing to share your wife with other men?"
I was a little confused because Melissa is clearly defined as bisexual on OkC, so I didn't know if the person who wrote me was only troubled by multiple penis or if they simply didn't pay attention to her sexuality. Who knows. I normally get all jerk rage-y in situations like that but I've become a little more indifferent in my old age.
Aside from that I've had a few messages challenging polyamory in general terms, but those messages had little to do with me.
Ahh! Of course, I should have thought that you would actually just get the same question; no one cares why women "let" their male partners be with other people *facepalm*
It's... not something I normally bother getting really annoyed about. I know that at least part of the question is just curiosity about how people do poly, and since they're invariably men who self-identify as possessive, I guess they want to understand the male side of the equation; I just hate that they're more concerned about how he feels than how I feel, y'know? (especially when the only thing they've asked me about myself is how tall I am in heels :P).
And it's just happened so many times lately. I want to make sure it's not just some vibe I'm accidentally giving off.
Yeeeeep. Or actually one guy (who seemed pleasant enough initially, which is why I tried to engage) was asking me some questions about it that seemed to be coming from a place of genuine interest and curiosity, and then made a reference to the fact that I "sleep around". I was like, 1) I had described myself as having a spouse and two other partners and wasn't interested in flings, and 2) so fucking what if I was sleeping around, whatever that even means? Anyway, but yeah, I do get a lot of, "And your husband is ...OKAY with that?" As if nonmonogamy just means "one partner is unsatisfied and their partner has no choice but to allow them to fuck other people."
I guess I can see how they would be intending it to come across as flattering? But it's mega fucking creepy because it strikes me as the same attitudes that contribute to the whole thing where sexual harassment/assault should also therefore be a compliment.
Yeah, it's definitely this weird complicated thing. I think that there's always an aspect of genuine curiosity, and I *think* the reason these guys focus on and ask questions about the feelings of my male partner is that they themselves don't know if/how they could handle a poly situation - they often follow the "why does he share you" question with something along the lines of "I wouldn't want to share you" (which, um, hello, why are you even talking to me then
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I think I usually have the foresight to cut people off before it gets to that point. Like I've said, reply+block is my new favourite way of dealing with that shit. I've definitely gotten, "So does your husband date other women?" (always only women, obv) and if I say yes, they're like, "Ohhh. Well I guess that's okay then." BECAUSE OTHERWISE THAT WOULD JUST BE UNFAIR. WE NEED TO KEEP A TALLY.
"I *think* the reason these guys focus on and ask questions about the feelings of my male partner is that they themselves don't know if/how they could handle a poly situation
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Comments 6
"Why are you willing to share your wife with other men?"
I was a little confused because Melissa is clearly defined as bisexual on OkC, so I didn't know if the person who wrote me was only troubled by multiple penis or if they simply didn't pay attention to her sexuality. Who knows. I normally get all jerk rage-y in situations like that but I've become a little more indifferent in my old age.
Aside from that I've had a few messages challenging polyamory in general terms, but those messages had little to do with me.
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It's... not something I normally bother getting really annoyed about. I know that at least part of the question is just curiosity about how people do poly, and since they're invariably men who self-identify as possessive, I guess they want to understand the male side of the equation; I just hate that they're more concerned about how he feels than how I feel, y'know? (especially when the only thing they've asked me about myself is how tall I am in heels :P).
And it's just happened so many times lately. I want to make sure it's not just some vibe I'm accidentally giving off.
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I guess I can see how they would be intending it to come across as flattering? But it's mega fucking creepy because it strikes me as the same attitudes that contribute to the whole thing where sexual harassment/assault should also therefore be a compliment.
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