What can I do?

[mycandygirl]

I have a friend (honestly my friend) who found out Saturday that she is pregnant. She has 2 girls, ages 5 and 3. With both of her girls she almost died in labor and she has scheduled an abortion for Friday. She is distraught about this decision and is already feeling guilty. My question is this: what can I do for her? How can I help her feel

Comments

[cailin_t]

really the only thing you can do is be there for her, and it looks like you have that absolutely covered. i'd just help her with whatever she needs - looking after her other children when she goes for the abortion, driving her to and from the clinic, etc. it's great that you're supporting her through this.

[mycandygirl]

Thank you. I wish I could drive her back and forth to the procedure and take care of the kids for her. But she's 3 states away. I just feel so badly for her and that I can't be with her physically to help out.

[cailin_t]

ohh, okay. yeah, in that case, just make sure she knows you are there for her and let her talk to you about it as much as she wants, and just listen. i'm sure she apprieciates your friendship and compassion.

[eyelid]

Cailin is right - you can just be there for her. There are support groups here on LJ (afterabortion, abortionstories, abortionhelp), or you can try www.afterabortion.com.

But if your friend is feeling so very badly about it, maybe she shouldn't have one. If labor is dangerous for her she could legitimately ask for a preemptive c-section so that she doesn't have to labor.

I am totally pro-choice and I have no problem with abortion (I had one myself and feel no guilt or regret about it). But it's not the right choice for everyone. Your friend might want to re-examine her decision if it's going to cause her emotional distress. Help her to be sure that this is what she really wants. The clearer she is on her decision, the less regret she will suffer, no matter what she decides.

[mycandygirl]

Thank you for your advice and kind words. I think there is more to it than the labor. I know that pregnancy is hard on her body too as she is VERY thin, and during her last 2 pregnancies she actually got thinner (is that even a word?) She worked very hard to put herself over 100 lbs and so far during this pregnancy she's lost more weight. I don't mean to make excuses for her; I hate that she has to go through this, but I'm sure she has legitimate reasons and feels that this is her only option. Thanks again.

[eyelid]

There's no need to "justify" your friend's decision to me! I had an abortion when I had no health problems of any kind, a supportive fiance, etc. I just knew it wasn't the right time for me. So as you can see I am not going to be ripping her up for her decision :)

My only thought is that she might hurry herself into a decision she doesn't really want, based on the idea that there's no alternative to labor. My only concern is your friend's emotional health. I don't want her to feel she HAS to have an abortion if that's not what she wants.

Frankly, if I were in her position I'd definitely be getting an abortion. Health issues and two kids to raise?? but she's not me. You know?

[cailin_t]

yeah, you know, i didn't really think about that side of it, but eyelid is certainly right - many women come to this and other communities after an abortion they realize they really didn't want, and they are in a lot of emotional pain that perhaps could have been avoided if they thought their options through more in the beginning (before abortion, and realized that wasn't really what they wanted).

i mean, she still very well may want an abortion - i certainly wanted mine and think it was the "right" decision, though it was a very emotionally trying time for my husband and me. but it can't hurt to do some major critical thinking beforehand. good luck to her!