Star Trek: Who Turned Out the Lights?
Star Trek: Who Turned Out the Lights?
a Parody of Into Darkness
[You're welcome to share if you feel so inclined. :)]
SPOILER WARNING
Part 1
Close in on the planet NIBIRU -
AUDIENCE: Naboo?
J. J. ABRAMS: No, "Nee-bee-roo". We haven't even started the dialogue yet and you're picking this apart and putting Star Wars in it.
AUDIENCE: I think you'll find that you are putting Star Wars in it.
ABRAMS: Oh, fine.
Focus on RED FOREST on NIBIRU. Two people are running through the forest, being chased by NIBIRUIAN NATIVES.
LEONARD MCCOY: Damn it Jim, I'm a doctor not a gazelle!
JAMES T KIRK: They must really like this scroll that I took.
Spear buzzes past MCCOY'S ear as NATIVES chase them down. MCCOY and KIRK fall off cliff and into ocean.
Meanwhile in a SHUTTLE CRAFT over ACTIVE VOLCANO.
HIKARU SULU: Hot! hot, Hot, HOT!
NYOTA UHURA dresses COMMANDER SPOCK in SUPER LAVA RESISTANT SUIT made out of miniature solar panels.
SULU: Guys, hurry up! This is melting the product out of my hair. Oh, and the shuttle will be burned to bits!
SPOCK: Calm down Mr. Sulu.
UHURA looks lovingly at SPOCK as he is dropped out of the shuttle into the fiery pit of doom that is the volcano's crater. SHUTTLE CRAFT engine gets blown out, and shuttle flies out of control with SPOCK dangling from a cable.
UHURA: Spock, get back up here!
Cable breaks. SPOCK lands in the center of the volcano, which is beginning to erupt.
SULU: AAAUGH! Let's go!
UHURA and SULU abandon the shuttle, and also end up in the ocean.
Meanwhile, KIRK and MCCOY swim to the U.S.S. ENTERPRISE, which is hidden under the surface of the ocean.
SPOCK ends up in MORTAL PERIL and cannot be transported back to the ENTERPRISE without risking their exposure to the NIBIRUIANS
SPOCK: (via communicator) It's really hot down here guys. I'm just going to go ahead and deploy my homemade cold fusion device, which will stop the volcano from destroying this interesting pre-industrial civilization.
MCCOY: You'll be deployed right along with it!
KIRK: Bones, that doesn't make any sense. I need options, people.
CHEKOV: Eef vee had deerect line of sight -
SCOTTY: Augh! No, cap'n! I canna guarantee the Enterprise won't melt!
SPOCK: (communicator) The Enterprise is too enormous. It will be seen by this species, which violates the hell out of the Prime Directive -
MCCOY: You've already violated the hell out of the Prime Directive by trying to stop a volcano from erupting and destroying this stupid species, Spock.
SPOCK: Yeah, but the needs of the many -
KIRK: Screw that. Let's go guys.
ENTERPRISE rises out of ocean, traumatizing NIRUBIANS who implement the ship into their religion, calling upon the GREAT TWO PRONGED DISK for guidance when there's an overabundance of lima beans in their crop for that season.
----
EARTH - LONDON
MICKEY from Doctor Who and his WIFE go visit their terminally sick daughter in the hospital.
DOCTOR WHO/TREK FANS: Of all the people that could cross over into this universe from Doctor Who, we get stuck with Mickey?
MICKEY moodily steps out onto the balcony outside his daughter's room.
SEXY OFF CAMERA VOICE: I can save her.
(UNINFORMED) AUDIENCE: Whoa! I didn't know they got Alan Rickman for this movie!
MICKEY turns around to face source of SEXY OFF CAMERA VOICE: Who are you?
Source of SEXY OFF CAMERA VOICE is revealed. Close up on MYSTERIOUS HOT BRITISH DUDE who is not ALAN RICKMAN.
Cut to SCIENCE LAB. MYSTERIOUS HOT BRITISH DUDE takes some of his own blood in a tube, does not label it, and puts the tube in a container along with an explosive ring.
HOSPITAL - Mickey takes tube of blood and inserts it into his daughter's futuristic IV machine. Her vitals begin to return to normal.
STREETS OF LONDON - MICKEY walks stiffly down the street. Spots MYSTERIOUS HOT BRITISH DUDE watching him from across the street, wearing a coat he stole from MORPHEUS with a maddeningly HIGH COLLAR OF DOOM.
MICKEY walks into building, passes security checkpoints, gets to his desk, and blows the place to KINGDOM COME.
DOCTOR WHO/TREK FANS: At least we didn't have to listen to him talk very much.
----
EARTH - SAN FRANCISCO
KIRK is in bed with two females who have tails and heaven knows what else.
AUDIENCE: Uh, aren't there any kind of inter-species mating rules or tests that should happen first?
Cut to STARFLEET HEADQUARTERS.
KIRK: Oh hey, Spock. You were called to meet with Pike too, huh? This is probably a direct result of how awesome I've been doing commanding the Enterprise. And now they want to give us that Five Year Mission in deep space I have officially not been hearing about!
SPOCK: Ye-es, that's probably it.
ADMIRAL CHRISTOPHER PIKE'S OFFICE.
PIKE: So I read your report. You said that nothing much happened on Nibiru.
KIRK: That is absolutely right, yes. We hid behind a moon most of the time. Not a damn thing -
PIKE: Well that's weird, because Spock said that a lot of damn things happened.
KIRK: (Looks significantly at SPOCK) Way to have my back dude. But I saved Spock's life, sir!
PIKE: Spock's life shouldn't have needed saving in the first place. What Captain puts his first officer in the crater of an active volcano, I ask you?! Commander, you're excused.
SPOCK leaves room.
KIRK: (Shouts after him) Thank you so much for your support! You could at least show some gratitude!
PIKE: You trust too much in your luck, and you don't respect the chair, son.
KIRK: … but it's a chair. An inanimate object. I don't get -
PIKE: I rest my case. Give me the keys to the Enterprise. Go back to the Academy until you grow up!
Cut to SOME SKEEZY BAR
KIRK: *Hiccup!*
PIKE: You're so pitiful.
KIRK: What are you? Having some sort of GPS tracker on me or something?
PIKE: I just wanted to say that I felt sorry for you and begged Admiral Marcus to let you set foot on a ship again, namely my ship, the Enterprise.
KIRK: I'm on 'prise again?
PIKE: Congratulations, you're the new Astrometric second lieutenant!
KIRK: …
PIKE: I kid. You're my first officer, because I still believe in you, son.
KIRK: (Bursts into tears.)
----
All starship Captains and First Officers are called to an emergency meeting at STARFLEET COMMAND as a result of the London bombing.
SPOCK: Greetings Captain.
KIRK: Still not speaking to you until you tell me about your feelings!
ADMIRAL MARCUS: Starfleet archives have been bombed by a crazy person known as John Harrison. He's a downright bastard. And worse, he was one of ours.
KIRK: But why would he bomb a library?
PIKE: Jim, do you remember our agreement?
KIRK: Shutting up.
MARCUS: Come on, out with it Kirk.
KIRK: Well why that place? Seems like he wanted to get all of us together just to -
MARCUS: Just to what?
JOHN HARRISON AKA MYSERIOUS HOT BRITISH DUDE WHO IS NOT ALAN RICKMAN: (Taps on window.) Hi there! Say hello to my little friend.
SPOCK: Oh, look. He's flying that non warp capable ship we were just -
STARFLEET COMMAND: BOOM!
Chaos ensues. JOHN HARRISON AKA MYSERIOUS HOT BRITISH DUDE WHO IS NOT ALAN RICKMAN succeeds in killing most of the commanders of the fleet and their first officers including, but not limited to, CHRISTOPHER PIKE. He is stopped by KIRK, who clogs his intake port with an emergency fire hose assembly. JOHN HARRISON AKA MYSTERIOUS HOT BRITISH DUDE WHO IS NOT ALAN RICKMAN beams out of ship before it crashes to the ground.
SPOCK mindmelds with PIKE before he dies. KIRK cries manly tears over PIKE'S body, and swears even more manly vengeance against the man known as JOHN HARRISON AKA - you get the idea.
SCOTTY finds a portable transwarp beaming device in the remains of HARRISON'S ship, and finds out the transport coordinates.
----
SOME MYSTERIOUS PLACE SOMEWHERE ELSE
Transwarp transport is complete when JOHN HARRISON appears at the top of what looks like a large cliff. The sky rumbles with thunder, flashes with lightning, is littered with FLYING MONKEYS and their theme from the original Wizard of Oz. JOHN HARRISON pulls hood of his MORPHEUS coat over his head, and skulks off into the shadows.
----
STARFLEET HEADQUARTERS - ADMIRAL MARCUS' OFFICE
MARCUS: I'm going to level with you guys. John Harrison was an agent of Section 31, which also happens to be the organization that owns those archives that he blew up. Oh, and it wasn't a library either. Well, it could be if you considered top secret, advanced weaponry and intelligence on the Klingons as things to put in a library.
KIRK: I wanna get him. Please, please, can I go get him sir? And I want Spock back as my first officer, even though he can be an insensitive dufus sometimes.
MARCUS: You said Harrison transported to Kronos. We can't go to Kronos.
SPOCK: The last I checked…
KIRK: We can go undercover. That way no one will suspect that we're from Starfleet, even though we'll still use the same issue of weapons and communicators.
MARCUS: Bah! The war with the Klingons is happening already if you ask me.
SPOCK: The head of Starfleet thinks we're already at war? There's a bit of a red flag.
MARCUS: Go on and get him. And you have my permission to kill him too.
SPOCK: Without an arrest and a trial? Red Flag number two.
KIRK: Yay!
MARCUS: But first, I want you to drag these amazing torpedoes that Harrison himself designed with you. Haul them to the edge of the Neutral Zone and shoot them at his head.
SPOCK: Torpedoes? As in plural? Experimental weapons with a high explosive yield just for one man? And you want us to point them at the Klingon homeworld? I think that's three and four.
KIRK: Shut up, Spock, and get your sunscreen! We're going to Kronos!
----
TRANSPORT to the ENTERPRISE
MCCOY: Jim, you forgot about your physical. Your vitals are going insane. I need to sedate you and perform exploratory surgery!
KIRK: Bones, what?
MCCOY: At least your hearing's still working.
CAROL Somebody: Hi, I'm Carol Williams, or Bennett, or yes, that one. I'm your new science officer.
KIRK: Cool.
SPOCK: He's not finished with the old one yet.
ENTERPRISE in SPACE DOCK
SCOTTY: Wha the hell ahre thees things then?
KIRK: They're new torpedoes.
SCOTTY: Well I dunno how they wahrk, so off ye go!
SPOCK: Nobody does.
KIRK: (to Spock) Get ye to the bridge! (to Scotty) We're keeping the torpedoes.
SCOTTY: Then off I go! And Jim, eef yah use those torpedoes, ye are dumber than yah look.
SCOTTY leaves ENTERPRISE
----
In TURBOLIFT to bridge
UHURA: Are you sure this is a good idea? Just launching a bunch of weapons at the Klingons?
KIRK: Have you been talking to your boyfriend?
UHURA: Not really.
KIRK: Are you guys fighting? What is that even like? [I loved that line so much that I could not change it.]
KIRK and UHURA walk onto bridge.
KIRK: Hey, Chekov. Seeing as how at eighteen or so years old, you are our best bet for a chief engineer replacement instead of all of those more experienced, actual engineers that are down there, I'm going to have you change the color of your shirt, and be in charge of all of the crap that goes on in engineering. Is that cool?
CHEKOV: (with horror) Yes kiptin.
MCCOY: Are you serious about shooting torpedoes across the Neutral Zone to the Klingon homeworld so you can blow this guy up? I doubt that even the audience is buying that idea.
AUDIENCE: Yeah! Don't blow him up. Arrest MYSTERIOUSLY GOOD LOOKING JOHN HARRISON so we can look at him again! Oh, and get him to talk some more too if you can.
KIRK: Fine. FINE! (Activates shipwide communication) This is the captain. We are going to find that rat bastard who killed most of the people who were in charge. We are going to find him and make him answer for his crimes. This will, unfortunately, take us very close to Kronos, but don't worry, we have a plan. Kirk out.
SPOCK: There's a plan? I like plans. May I be part of this plan?
----
ENTERPRISE WEAPONS BAY/ENGINEERING
CAROL Somebody: Oh, hi Spock. I didn't realize you were staring at me with such accusation. Did you know that these torpedoes are shielded? But I think I might be able to figure out how to take one apart -
SPOCK: You aren't supposed to be here.
CAROL Somebody: What? But I have orders.
SPOCK: Your orders are dumb, Doctor Marcus.
CAROL MARCUS: Okay, listen. My daddy the Admiral doesn't know I'm here, but I think you could use my help with these mysterious weapons. Please don't tell the captain yet.
C. MARCUS and SPOCK fall over when the ENTERPRISE is thrown out of warp on the way to KRONOS and stops in the middle of enemy territory.
KIRK: What the hell happened Scotty - I mean, Chekov?
CHEKOV: (from Engineering) The engeens overheated sir. I sink ve haff a coolint leak, veech never, ever happens! Ve cannot go to varp until ve get eet feexed.
SULU: We are so not in safe territory, Captain.
KIRK: All right, let's get this over with. Spock, you're with me. Uhura, can you speak Klingon?
UHURA: You don't even read resumes, do you?
KIRK: Are you guys going to be okay being confined in a small space together for some period of time?
UHURA: Not a problem, sir.
SPOCK: She's being scary, but okay.
----
KRONOS
KIRK, SPOCK, and UHURA take a SMALL UNMARKED CRAFT that is not the MILLENIUM FALCON to an unpopulated part of the planet in order to catch JOHN HARRISON.
UHURA: You were going to DIE and you didn't even care about what that would do to me, or to Jim!
KIRK: Wait, what?
SPOCK: I don't like feeling anything when facing my imminent demise. It kind of makes it worse. Sorry.
UHURA: Oh.
SMALL UNMARKED CRAFT is attacked by a KLINGON ship that does not sound like a TIE FIGHTER. And they do not have a chase that resembles the asteroid chase in EMPIRE STRIKES BACK.
KLINGONS force SMALL CRAFT to land amongst old KLINGON RUINS, and UHURA volunteers to talk to them.
UHURA: (speaking in Klingon) Hey, sorry. Look, I think we took a wrong turn. We're looking for this guy who killed a bunch of people back on Earth. Do you think you could let us look for him for a minute?
KLINGON: You puny human! Why should I care about people dying on Earth?
UHURA: Well … because, uh, because -
Weapons fire from ledge of KLINGON RUINS overhead kills KLINGONS.
UHURA: That's why!
Big fire fight ensues. MYSTERY ASSASSIN, while remaining an open target on high point of KLINGON RUINS, takes out basically everyone that is KLINGON in the general vicinity, also saving the lives of the ENTERPRISE AWAY TEAM.
MYSTERY ASSASSIN removes hood and reveals HOT BRITISH DUDE who is also JOHN HARRISON and not ALAN RICKMAN.
KIRK: Dude! You are so under arrest! You killed my father! I mean … you killed my father figure you big jerk! Now surrender or I'll kill you. Please don't surrender so I can kill you.
HARRISON: How many of those special torpedoes do you have?
SPOCK: Seventy-two.
HARRISON: Wow, really? And that didn't seem a little overkill to you? Fine, I surrender.
KIRK beats on HARRISON, but only succeeds in giving himself a HERNIA and causing UHURA to give them away as STARFLEET officers.
KIRK: wheeze!
----
Back on the ENTERPRISE.
KIRK: How is the warp drive, Chekov?
CHEKOV: Found the coolint leak, kiptin. We steel can't move anyvere.
KIRK: Okay, well, keep me posted. Kirk to Bones - meet us in the brig, will you? Bring a big scalpel.
MCCOY: Hardy-har-har Jim.
Enter very shiny BRIG where JOHN HARRISON refuses to sit down in his cell.
MCCOY: All right, put that big manly arm through this magic hole in your cell wall so I can take some blood.
HARRISON: (puts arm through hole) Still at a dead stop, Captain?
KIRK: Weird that you know that, but yes.
HARRISON: I can't imagine how that happened. Can you?
MCCOY: I'm done. (leaves)
KIRK and SPOCK turn to leave.
HARRISON: It's driving you nuts, what's in those torpedoes, isn't it?
SPOCK: (quietly) Don't let him get to you sir. He'll only use you to his advantage.
KIRK: Yeah, like I haven't thought of that already. I mean, his voice gives me butt chills.
AUDIENCE: Us too! Go and talk to him, captain.
SPOCK: Yes, and his eyes are mesmerizing, but you have to keep your head, Jim.
KIRK: Just give me one sec.
KIRK: (storms up to cell) Listen here Mister Handsome McKilling-Spree, you are going to shut up while you're here, got it?
HARRISON: So you can resist hitting me again? I know you want to. How about I act a little injured for you this time?
KIRK: What did I just say about shutting up?
HARRISON: Two, three, one, seven, four, six, one, one.
AUDIENCE: Butt chills! I hope they have him read the periodic table next.
HARRISON: You might want to check that out along with those torpedoes.
KIRK glares at HARRISON and walks out of the room.
----
EARTH - SAN FRANCISCO
SCOTTY is drinking in a loud club.
SCOTTY: It's not like I told him what he could go and do with those torpedoes, isnit? I'm just tryinto take care of me own, and my job, and my -
Communicator beeps.
SCOTTY: Ach, wha?
KIRK: Hey Scotty, it's Jim Kirk.
SCOTTY: Oh, is it now? Calling to apologize, are we?
KIRK: You were right about the torpedoes. Can we move on?
SCOTTY: Oh really? And what was it I was right about again? I didn't quite hear you.
KIRK: Listen, I need you to check out some coordinates for me. They mark a point of orbit around Jupiter. See what's there, and get back to me.
SCOTTY: (disgustedly) Ach!
KIRK gives coordinates and SCOTTY hangs up on him.
SCOTTY: I don't just do science and drink! That's not what I'm all about, you know. I have big plans ahead of me now that I'm not stuck on that blasted - oh, fine.
----
ENTERPRISE BRIDGE
SPOCK: So you want to disassemble a live, experimental torpedo we know nothing about?
KIRK: Exactly. Can you do that?
SPOCK: I have no idea. But it's lucky that we have a weapons specialist on board in Doctor Carol Marcus, isn't it?
KIRK: Who?
----
Boarding SHUTTLE CRAFT
C. MARCUS: Oh good. It's kind of a relief that you know who I am, now. But I'm not comfortable with you looking at me when I'm changing clothes and talking science.
KIRK: (averts eyes) So, we need to try and disarm the torpedo on a planet?
C. MARCUS: Preferably a deserted one, yes.
KIRK: (looks)
C. MARCUS: (does not grab any article of clothing to cover herself up, and acts shocked that Kirk is looking) Turn around, you idiot.
KIRK: (drools and turns around)
FEMALE AUDIENCE: That is a great bra.
MALE AUDIENCE: Yeah it is.
C. MARCUS: So basically, we need someone with steady hands to help me out with this thing.
----
C. MARCUS and MCCOY land on a DESERTED PLANET, where one of the torpedoes is transported down, ready to be disarmed.
C. MARCUS: Now, Doctor, you need to cut the twenty-third wire down. Got it?
MCCOY: (waggles eyebrows) I'll cut your twenty-third wire, missy.
MCCOY gets stuck in the armed torpedo, which starts counting down. C. MARCUS refuses to be beamed back to the ship until she rips out a bundle of wires, thus disabling the torpedo. The torpedo opens up, revealing a FROZEN PERSON.
MCCOY: Jim, this is getting weird.
KIRK: Weirder than your flirting?
-----
Meanwhile SCOTTY flies SHUTTLECRAFT to Jupiter moon and finds a hangar in orbit while intercepting communications coming from said hanger.
COMMUNICATIONS: … blah blah blah crew of U.S.S. Vengeance coming aboard.
SCOTTY stealthily enters hanger upon which he curses at the contents without revealing to the AUDIENCE what's inside.
AUDIENCE: What's in it?!
OBSERVANT AUDIENCE: Sounds like it might be a ship.
----
ENTERPRISE SICKBAY
KIRK: So, what are we looking at here?
MCCOY: All of these torpedoes have cryogenic pods with a person inside stored in them. But I have no idea what to do with them.
KIRK: What? Are they over your head?
C. MARCUS: More like under. The technology in these pods is about three hundred years old. We can't make sense of it.
MCCOY: And we can assume the people in them are about that age as well.
KIRK: You were right, Bones. This is getting weird.
MCCOY: You think that's weird. Khan's blood is super-dee-duper! And just to figure out why and how that works, I'm going to inject his platelets into this dead tribble that I found in my closet this morning.
----
Back to the ENTERPRISE BRIG where JOHN HARRISON finally got tired and is sitting down.
KIRK: Why are there weaponized people popsicles on my ship?
HARRISON: I put them in the torpedoes. Seemed as safe as anywhere else at the time.
SPOCK: Sure.
KIRK: By the way, I did some research on "John Harrison" and, according to Starfleet records, you're only a year old.
HARRISON(?): That's because the generic ruse that is John Harrison is not my real name. My name is … LUCY! Khan! Dammit. Khan. My name is Khan.
AUDIENCE: Snap! Wait … where was Khan supposed to be from again?
ABRAMS: (waves hand in front of AUDIENCE) Khan's origins do not matter in this reality.
AUDIENCE: (glassy-eyed and chanting) Khan's origins do not matter in this reality. (Waking up a little.) But wait, was he British before?
ABRAMS: What did I just say?
AUDIENCE: No, he was Spanish before, right? Is Khan supposed to be Spanish? That's why they darkened Benedict Cumberbatch's hair?
RICARDO MONTALBAN: It really doesn't matter, as long as you speak slowly and act sexy. (Wink!)
ABRAMS: Actually, the ethnicity had absolutely nothing to do with the dark hair. Ben was emitting a sort of … Scott Farkus vibe with his natural red hair. I couldn't have that.
AUDIENCE: Ooooh. That makes sense. Alan Rickman vibe is better.
LUCY/KHAN: Those popcsicles are my crew, Captain.
KIRK: Well then that would mean that you're -
LUCY/KHAN: (pacing around his cell) Yes. We are genetically engineered, in a time when the idea of a super human soldier sounded appealing. Then we were exiled. Admiral Marcus found us, and woke me. I was forced to leave my crew. And ever since, he's been planning for war with my designs, my tactics, my cupcake recipe!
SPOCK: Why did you attack Starfleet Command?
KHAN: I had every reason to believe that Marcus killed my crew once he had me captive, which pissed me off to no end. Retaliation seemed like the best course. I'm sure you understand, Kirk. Your crew is your family, is it not?
KIRK: Yeah, well, I still hate you.
AUDIENCE: Are you sure? We're kind of torn right now. I mean he's crying, poor thing!
SULU: (via communicator) Captain we are detecting a warp signature approaching.
KIRK: Is it Klingon?
KHAN: Of course it isn't.
SULU: Unknown, sir.
KIRK and SPOCK leave the brig.
KIRK: I want Khan transferred to sickbay, keep an armed guard on him at all times.
SPOCK: Again, is there a plan here that I should be privy to?
Continue to PART 2