To be heartbroken is to be surrounded. Andrew is everywhere, he takes the shape of every tall man on campus, anyone with a backwards hat. At night he stands at the foot of my bed. He lies beside me in it. His laugh echoes through my empty room. I roll onto my side and stare at the wall until his blue eyes materialize. "I miss you," I whisper to the ( Read more... )

Sometimes I wonder whether all neuroses and addictions are the same thing. I wonder whether obesity is the same as alcoholism is the same as agoraphobia is the same as anorexia is the same as obsessive compulsive disorder is the same as plastic surgery is the same as excessive partying is the same as perfectionism is the same as ( Read more... )

Silliness might be the most important thing to me - in other people, in the movies and books I adore, in all situations. I fear I might not make a very good or competent adult. Sometimes I wish the world functioned more the way that I function, although if this were the case nothing would ever get done.

I love Wes.

I wasn't sure if it would happen ( Read more... )

I'm glad I no longer function in relationships the way I used to, I'm glad that Wes and I have what we have, but I wish I could have learned those hard lessons without the collateral. I wish I never hurt Andrew.

I love him beyond doubt and beyond belief. Even when he makes me mad. Even when I'm so mad I have to drive home and spend a night by myself. I pull up my covers and turn off the lights and think about Wes and smile. That's the most romantic thing in the world.

Time has a funny way of illuminating our mistakes, doesn't it, babe? I've got photographs and scars and a bedpost full of marks from my old charades.

College is almost over and what a trip it's been. Sometimes I still can't believe how much fun I had, how silly and possible and real the whole world felt, how beautiful I was, how beautiful my friends were. I look at it now and say, "Was that really me?" and "What was my secret?"

I guess it figures that even in the distant aftermath of our breakup, I would still find myself in awkward conundrums when it comes to Andrew. Our relationship was so full of them, it makes me wonder how we managed to relax or have any fun at all.

My parents came to Fort Collins tonight, we ended up eating at Andrew's restaurant and my mother ( Read more... )

Wes found me a piano on Craigslist this fall, bribed four of his friends to help him (with burritos), hauled it up a narrow flight of stairs and positioned it in the tiny spare room in my apartment. The room was made for that piano - the acoustics are perfect and there's a small, West-facing window through which I can look out at the treetops and ( Read more... )