Boom. Head Shot.
Dear guy on my floor who smells funny,
You know that you smell bad when 99% of the Computer Science TAP floor has come to the consensus that you stink. Add that to the fact that you spend all of your time playing obscure Japanese video games and World of Warcraft and we have a pretty dire situation. I don't like mentioning socials to you because frankly, I don't like smelling you... but I DO invite you because I know that if there is anyone on this floor that needs to be socialized, it's you. Luckily for me and unfortunately for you, you have decided that you would rather spend time playing video games than trying to make contact with other living, breathing human beings. It's sad, in a way, but I feel like I have reached out a helping hand and so my conscience is clear. Best of luck with, y'know, being 'that kid'.
Love and Soap,
Christopher
Dear girl on my floor with "roommate problems",
Yeah, your roommate likes staying up late and you don't. It would be nice if she would stop, but frankly I don't have the authority to kick her out of the room. I already had a talk with her about respect for others and living with a roommate, but the stuff that bugs you isn't actually against policy, so I'm sort of at an impasse. So really, your options are to talk to senior staff (I've already let them know about your situation) or move out of your room. That's it. I don't have any magic cure, nor do I have any further life lessons. I am a resource that has been exhausted, and so you need to stop bitching to me about how much you hate your roommate, and actually do something about it. Talk to senior staff or move. One of the two.
Sincerely,
Christopher
Dear guy that pooped in the shower,
Seriously, what was going through your head? Anything at all? Our bathroom now smells like shit, and will continue to for the next week or so. I actually have no intention of writing you up if I discern your true identity. I'm just going to kick your ass. That's all there is to it. Well there may be more to it than a kick to the ass. I will probably also kick you in the head. I'm talking about a good, solid, 'rattle your teeth' shot too. None of that sissy soccer crap. I'm going to kick the phrase 'extensive cerebral hematoma' right out of your skull. Bam, done.
-Christopher
Dear "Cool Kid" on my floor,
Irony is a funny thing. Like that time you were telling me about how it was embarrassing for you to be seen with all of "these computer science kids" on the floor, and how you're way cooler than all of them. I almost couldn't stop myself from laughing, because you are, in fact, the most socially awkward kid on the floor (that includes smelly kid). The most entertaining part is that you not only are totally oblivious to this fact, but you have a terrible attitude problem. Standing there telling the one decently normal girl on our floor how smart you are in comparison to her and everyone else is not actually going to get her to like you. In fact, it's the reason that she hates you. I also hate you, and every day you seem to dig yourself deeper and deeper. Waking me up at 3 am to demand that I get your package because "it's [my] job" wasn't a very good idea. Nor was making the random statement "I'm probably the smartest person on this floor, including you". Other kids aside, I highly doubt you are smarter than me, and here's why. Your SAT score: 1400. My SAT score: 1480. Your IQ score: 131. My IQ score: 151. You took AP Calculus in High School. I took calc I, II, Multivariate, Linear, Diff Eq's, Discreet, Algorithms, Stats 515 etc in college. I think the most important attribute that I have over you though, is that I can interact with almost anyone that I meet, and have them recognize me as a normal functioning member of society who they would like to continue interacting with, and not a big bag of douche. How does that taste? A little bitter? Hard to get down?
Well, that's all I really have to say, so here's to hoping you get an attitude adjustment, a room swap, or a frontal lobotomy.
All the Best,
Christopher