I think we know when we meet that "special" person we know we'll be spending the rest of our lives with. I knew it with Erik 11 years ago and nothing has happened since to change that feeling. If anything, it's grown.
You can get to a point where you're self-sufficient enough not to need love, but that doesn't mean you can't want and enjoy love, and the company of someone special. No one (no one that's grounded and stable, anyway) wants to hear "I am nothing without you, I can't live without you." That's too needy, and a turn-off. But to say that, although you are fine on your own, you still want and value the other person--that's centered, balanced, non-needy, non-desperate, and the sign of a mature love and a mature relationship.
I agree, very well put. I might put the unconditional love of friends and family in a separate category (i.e., something one does, in fact, need to feel grounded and a fully functional and happy individual). The GAF (Global Assessment of Functioning) scale in psych exams frequently mentions meaningful relationships as a crucial part of a patient's overall well-being:
A lot of the people seek out love relationships and therapy for the same reason - validation that they're a good and lovable person. A lover or any other person can only validate so much before they feel drained. You can only make a fully informed decision about who you are and what you want when you feel "whole" and not so needy of validation.
A lot of the people seek out love relationships . . . for the same reason - validation that they're a good and lovable person.
Sadly, I've noticed that a lot of people, including many women I've known, have sought out disfunctional relationships for the opposite reason: to feel bad and unlovable, or for confirmation of their idea that they are. A woman who feels bad or unworthy will seek out a romantic partner who validates what she already believes about herself.
Hmm. Yeah. Or they seek love and validation from people incapable of giving it because these people feel familiar (like mom or dad) and they know what role to play. What looks obviously dysfunctional to others feels good to them, at least for a while. They hear "no one understands me but you" from their beloved and feel special, whereas a more grounded person would know it really means "no one will put up with my bullshit but you." So they go through shitty partner after shitty partner and conclude that since they're the common denominator it must be that they're "broken" or that "love is a unnecessary and a lie" or something...(sez one of said women trying not to be). ;o
( ... )
I disagree with your half hearted scare quotes around "know".
Yes. Your relationship will end. I don't know if "fail" is the right word but it will end. All relationships end. In break-up or death; nothing is forever; make today the day you relish; weigh the risks--do you want to die of a broken heart cause you're lonely or do you wish to die of a broken heart cause your lover left/died/cheated/*enter harmful, relationship ending action here*?
We're all mortal--we're all temporary--all love is fleeting. Damned Cupid.
wow, i almost forgot this comm exists. yeah, sometimes i wonder about those question myself. especially if i see a divorced woman whose life might be better if she was alone.
and about these questions: why be in a committed relationship, if you don't think it will last? If you don't rely on that person? Why build a life with someone if you 'know' it will almost inevitably fail? If the best thing is to be entirely self-sufficient, to not 'need' anyone, then why fall in love at all? What becomes the purpose of love? If you are wholly self-sufficient, does that mean you don't 'need' love?
well, to borrow what anthony de mello said: when i am with you, the orchestra will play a beautiful melody. when i am not, it will still play some other beautiful tune too. or something like that. he also said we don't need to be loved, we only need to love. but i can't quite practice that one;p
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http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Global_Assessment_of_Functioning
A lot of the people seek out love relationships and therapy for the same reason - validation that they're a good and lovable person. A lover or any other person can only validate so much before they feel drained. You can only make a fully informed decision about who you are and what you want when you feel "whole" and not so needy of validation.
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Sadly, I've noticed that a lot of people, including many women I've known, have sought out disfunctional relationships for the opposite reason: to feel bad and unlovable, or for confirmation of their idea that they are. A woman who feels bad or unworthy will seek out a romantic partner who validates what she already believes about herself.
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Yes. Your relationship will end. I don't know if "fail" is the right word but it will end. All relationships end. In break-up or death; nothing is forever; make today the day you relish; weigh the risks--do you want to die of a broken heart cause you're lonely or do you wish to die of a broken heart cause your lover left/died/cheated/*enter harmful, relationship ending action here*?
We're all mortal--we're all temporary--all love is fleeting.
Damned Cupid.
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yeah, sometimes i wonder about those question myself. especially if i see a divorced woman whose life might be better if she was alone.
and about these questions:
why be in a committed relationship, if you don't think it will last? If you don't rely on that person? Why build a life with someone if you 'know' it will almost inevitably fail? If the best thing is to be entirely self-sufficient, to not 'need' anyone, then why fall in love at all? What becomes the purpose of love? If you are wholly self-sufficient, does that mean you don't 'need' love?
well, to borrow what anthony de mello said: when i am with you, the orchestra will play a beautiful melody. when i am not, it will still play some other beautiful tune too. or something like that. he also said we don't need to be loved, we only need to love. but i can't quite practice that one;p
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