I thought that if I didn't say no, it wasn't rape, and that, in a way, helped me forget and cope. The only reason I didn't say no, though, was because I didn't dare. I knew he'd hurt me, or do it anyway. I couldn't cope with it being blatent rape.
I can really relate to that. I thought for a very long time that since I didn't say scream, that it wasn't rape and that made me feel safe, I still sometimes think that but I have to stop myself and think about the situation and how I was indeed afraid to do something that would make him hurt me even more... Sorry, if this is triggering for you. I was just really able to connect with that part of your post. Take care, Lilibeth
*safe cuddles* yes, it is a very hard thing to swallow when you have to succumb to knowing that you were in fact raped- and i'm not just talking out of my ass. i'm a rape and incest survivor myself, but seriously, i think it's better that you realized now and are able to heal and figure out how to cope with the trauma then have it idly sitting around in your mind. what happened is far beyond inexcusable, and also not something that can be forever swept ander the carpet. i know and can empathize with the feeling frustrated cos of your whole life and relationship with your boyfriend, but nobody can invalidate what happened to you, regardless of when or if you remembered what happened. be good to yourself, and let me know if you need anything! i'm also a great penpal, so lmk if you'd like to exchange addresses. :o)
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I couldn't cope with it being blatent rape.
I can really relate to that. I thought for a very long time that since I didn't say scream, that it wasn't rape and that made me feel safe, I still sometimes think that but I have to stop myself and think about the situation and how I was indeed afraid to do something that would make him hurt me even more...
Sorry, if this is triggering for you. I was just really able to connect with that part of your post.
Take care,
Lilibeth
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