(no subject)
Hey, lj. I know I hardly use you like ever anymore thanks to plurk and tumblr and with plans to switch over to dreamwidth (which I'll make a post for later!) I just needed to get something thats been sitting on me for a while, probably years even. To the best I can anyway, I don't really understand all of it myself.
But anyway It's become obvious to me that something is wrong with me. or i think thats somethings wrong. I dont know. Point is that I am terrified to talk to a lot of people online compared to offline. For instance, offline I am the party girl, the social butterfly. Its easy for me to get along with people and easy for me to just chat up anyone. Even if I dont know them, even if i look up to them. Even if they might be someone well known or whatever.
I can't do that online, and if I do it's extremely hard to. Group chats and calls I'm completely fine with, but one on one kind of deals I freeze. I freeze, my stomach enters my throat. I panic, I feel sick. I want to be as far away from that conversation because it terrifies me. And the sad thing is its only online. If i meet them offline chances are I'm completely over it afterwards, I can talk to them about anything, it becomes sunshine and rainbows.
There's so many people I want to talk to, but can't. Or I feel that I can't. There's 73 contacts on my skype alone, and only 10 out of that I can just jump into conversation with whenever and feel perfectly calm. Everyone else I can talk to as well, but not without convincing myself that I can and that it'll be alright. And it's so stupid, it's so silly. Its just normal everyday chatter, conversation i could have with just about anyone anywhere that isn't over a computer screen.
And I feel like such an idiot, I feel inferior, i feel weak. Plenty of my friends can do all these simple things I can't while I sit there staring at usernames and wondering why I cant bring myself to even type a single hello, ask about their day and branch off from there. And Its so sad, because I've had people unadd me because of my never talking to them. I stare at the greyed out usernames and only think that I'm sorry. Potential conversations muissed out just because I couldnt even bring myself to greet them. And it's so dumb, I dont understand this parallel as to how i can be the life of the party and everyones friend offline and then hiding away from the world online. It doesn't make sense.
Well, to some degree I guess that it does. I'm afraid of people thinking I'm an annoyance, that I'm too crazy, that I can't shut up, that what I'm talking about is lame, that i'm an annoyance, that I'm a bother. Its only recently that I can even make posts about myself on my tumblr, one something thats public where everyone can see and everyone can judge. But at the same time I always second guess what I'm writing. What if it sounded funny, what if it sounded weird. What if it makes someone angry. What if, what if, what if. I've deleted hundreds of messages or posts because I dont want any of that. Don't look down on me, don't find me boring.
And theres so many people Id love to talk to, become better friends with, get to know. But there's this wall, this invisible wall and i see everyone else getting along on the other side and i just don't get why I cant be there. It just doesnt click.
I really wish I knew what it was, how to get rid of it. How to make my internet life like my off long life and be like I know I can be. I wish I knew how to keep the feelings of dread away from a simple conversation away. I'm working on it, but it's hard. I wanna be able to talk to everyone, and make all the silly jokes and have those bonds I see everywhere and just be able to talk to anyone with out feeling they think im boring or inferior or whatever stupid reason enters my head.
But I'm working on it. And its hard to work on something when you dont know what it is. But I am. Until then. Im sorry if we dont talk like we should, I'm sorry if i dont know how to joke around, Im sorry I cant share my feelings, I'm sorry we dont talk, if that is the case. I'm sorry.
Hah, what a way to start November right? I do promise I'll try my best though, I'll try!
But anyway It's become obvious to me that something is wrong with me. or i think thats somethings wrong. I dont know. Point is that I am terrified to talk to a lot of people online compared to offline. For instance, offline I am the party girl, the social butterfly. Its easy for me to get along with people and easy for me to just chat up anyone. Even if I dont know them, even if i look up to them. Even if they might be someone well known or whatever.
I can't do that online, and if I do it's extremely hard to. Group chats and calls I'm completely fine with, but one on one kind of deals I freeze. I freeze, my stomach enters my throat. I panic, I feel sick. I want to be as far away from that conversation because it terrifies me. And the sad thing is its only online. If i meet them offline chances are I'm completely over it afterwards, I can talk to them about anything, it becomes sunshine and rainbows.
There's so many people I want to talk to, but can't. Or I feel that I can't. There's 73 contacts on my skype alone, and only 10 out of that I can just jump into conversation with whenever and feel perfectly calm. Everyone else I can talk to as well, but not without convincing myself that I can and that it'll be alright. And it's so stupid, it's so silly. Its just normal everyday chatter, conversation i could have with just about anyone anywhere that isn't over a computer screen.
And I feel like such an idiot, I feel inferior, i feel weak. Plenty of my friends can do all these simple things I can't while I sit there staring at usernames and wondering why I cant bring myself to even type a single hello, ask about their day and branch off from there. And Its so sad, because I've had people unadd me because of my never talking to them. I stare at the greyed out usernames and only think that I'm sorry. Potential conversations muissed out just because I couldnt even bring myself to greet them. And it's so dumb, I dont understand this parallel as to how i can be the life of the party and everyones friend offline and then hiding away from the world online. It doesn't make sense.
Well, to some degree I guess that it does. I'm afraid of people thinking I'm an annoyance, that I'm too crazy, that I can't shut up, that what I'm talking about is lame, that i'm an annoyance, that I'm a bother. Its only recently that I can even make posts about myself on my tumblr, one something thats public where everyone can see and everyone can judge. But at the same time I always second guess what I'm writing. What if it sounded funny, what if it sounded weird. What if it makes someone angry. What if, what if, what if. I've deleted hundreds of messages or posts because I dont want any of that. Don't look down on me, don't find me boring.
And theres so many people Id love to talk to, become better friends with, get to know. But there's this wall, this invisible wall and i see everyone else getting along on the other side and i just don't get why I cant be there. It just doesnt click.
I really wish I knew what it was, how to get rid of it. How to make my internet life like my off long life and be like I know I can be. I wish I knew how to keep the feelings of dread away from a simple conversation away. I'm working on it, but it's hard. I wanna be able to talk to everyone, and make all the silly jokes and have those bonds I see everywhere and just be able to talk to anyone with out feeling they think im boring or inferior or whatever stupid reason enters my head.
But I'm working on it. And its hard to work on something when you dont know what it is. But I am. Until then. Im sorry if we dont talk like we should, I'm sorry if i dont know how to joke around, Im sorry I cant share my feelings, I'm sorry we dont talk, if that is the case. I'm sorry.
Hah, what a way to start November right? I do promise I'll try my best though, I'll try!