Sam/Daniel kid!fic Universe
At first, there was the sd_ficathon. It was written for lovers of Sam and Daniel, and Sam/Daniel. This appeared to anger some of the less sane elements in Sam/Jack shippage. They stormed and raged. Abyssis and Pepper snickered at them (despite the fact that Pepper was actually, deep down, very much a Sam/Jack girl). They knew that Sam and Daniel were, in fact, not siblings, and that - gasp! - PhD was not their mutual surname. They agreed that Sam and Daniel would have the most beautiful, most brainy babies in the history of beautiful, brainy babies.
In a moment of frightening madness, the Sam/Daniel kidfic was born.
In chronological order (not order of posting, because that skipped back and forth across the timeline):
By pepper_field:
Daniel closed the door, leaned back against it, and sighed with overly dramatic relief. Then he pushed himself away from it, started to head towards the living room - and did a swift u-turn, going back to lock it. He nodded in satisfaction.
After a moment's thought, he put the latch on, too.
"That ought to keep them out for a while," he announced, strolling back into the living room. Sam widened her eyes at him, and he stopped, putting a hand to his mouth. "Oops, sorry," he whispered. "I've locked the door."
Sam looked about as cynical as a person could whilst wearing fluffy slippers, sweatpants, a drool-stained T-shirt, outstandingly messy hair, and a baby asleep on their chest. "Well, aside from beaming technology, NID taskforces, alien attack, phonecalls from the SGC, phonecalls from the Pentagon, and Vala, we should get some peace, then."
Daniel sat next to her on to the couch. "Could you rig up some sort of force shield?" he asked, hopefully.
Sam shook her head. "The mailman might notice. Besides, once the novelty wears off, they'll stop crowding around here."
Daniel had picked up a tiny, tiny sock, and was fitting it onto his thumb. "I don't think the novelty's going to wear off for me, for a while," he said, quietly, waggling it like a sock puppet.
Sam shuffled around a bit, without jostling Claire, so she could lean back against him. "Me either," she murmured, stroking the tiny little fist that gripped her shirt, and resting her hand on the tiny back, reassured by the rhythmic rise and fall.
Daniel continued to play with the sock, wondering how soon was too soon to start learning to read, as Sam gently joined their daughter in sleep.
By abyssinia4077:
Sam stood in the doorway, just watching, fairly certain Daniel wasn't even aware she was there. Claire had taken a few, tentative steps the other week and was now standing, clutching the coffee table, looking very disconcerted that there were several feet between her and her father and nothing to hold onto on the way there.
Jack came up behind her, quietly taking the dishtowel and pot (which she'd been absent-mindedly drying for five minutes now) out of her hands, as Claire started to take a step and then grabbed back at the table with renewed determination. In the living room Daniel smiled, holding out his arms and muttering encouragement.
"Fatherhood suits him," Jack observed quietly.
Sam nodded. "I was a little worried at first. We weren't exactly trying - thought we were too old. When I first told him, I was scared of the memories it might bring up." She still remembered her hand shaking as she looked down at the little pink plus sign, her mind rushing back all those years to Abydos and the week of pained silence after Daniel had delivered Sha're's child. She should have known that a man who could find it in himself to still love Shifu would be thrilled with this change of events.
When she told him, she had seen it all flash across his face - surprise and shock and that moment of painful memory - but it ended in a grin and a comment that it was a good thing they were no longer on an active 'gate team and then suddenly nine months had passed and they discovered that, even after all they'd seen, the universe could still surprise them.
"When it's your kid, none of that matters anymore," Jack said, reminding Sam that he was taking to being an honorary uncle remarkably well. Sometimes she thought SG-1 could provide a psychologist with a career's worth of research material.
In the living room Daniel had scooted slightly closer, stretching his arms out, and carrying on a constant stream of encouragement that was sometimes in English (Sam kept insisting they would confuse her, Daniel kept insisting it would help her brain develop). Finally, Claire got a determined look on her face, eyebrows bending slightly in towards her nose, and she released the table, taking five unbalanced steps before falling into her father's arms with a jubilant shriek.
"Yeah!" Jack announced, striding into the room. "That's our girl." He kneeled down, seeming to ignore the pop from his knee that made Sam wince, and held out his own hands. Claire offered a mostly-toothless grin, shouted "Ja!" and pushed her father's hands away, staggering across the short distance with her arms outstretched until Jack reached out and in one fluid motion lifted her high above his head, spinning in slow circles and making airplane noises.
"Well, I guess we know who she likes best," Sam commented, putting an arm around Daniel's waist when he reached the doorway. They watched for a minute as Jack took Claire on a high-flying, giggle-filled tour of the living room.
"Eh, we'll get her back as soon as there's a diaper that needs attending to," Daniel commented, pulling her close.
"So," Sam whispered quietly in his ear. "What do you think of siblings?"
She felt him stiffen for a second before giving her a surprised look. "Can we catch up on sleep first?"
She just gave him an appraising look. "Like you ever needed sleep before."
Any response he might have had was lost when the kitchen door banged open and Vala strode in, Cam and Teal'c in tow. "Sorry we're late," Cam muttered, plopping onto a stool. "P7X-649 was a mess. I swear it was raining mud."
"He took much too long in the shower," Vala confided. "I was beginning to think he'd washed down the drain. Or found something exciting to do in there."
"Anyway, we heard there was spaghetti," Cam mentioned, offering up a hopeful look.
"I think there already are siblings," Daniel muttered in Sam's ear before she swatted him away and dug the leftovers out of the fridge.
By pepper_field:
It was a blissful four years before the inevitable happened.
"Doggie!"
Sam dropped her head to her hands. Daniel opened his mouth to protest, shot a look at four-year-old Claire and baby Ben, and closed it again, with a snap. "A dog?" he asked, smiling through his teeth.
"Every child has to have a dog," Cassie explained, smugly. "Someone once told me it was the law."
As one, Sam and Daniel turned to look accusingly at Jack, who, with Claire, was already making a big fuss of the new puppy. Feeling eyes on him, Jack looked up. "What?" He pointed at Cassie. "She bought it!"
"And you just happened to be here for the great puppy unveiling because...?"
"Well, of course I agreed to help, once Cassie told me... Help me out here," Jack demanded, turning to Cassie.
"It was my idea," Cassie acknowledged. She shrugged breezily at the expressions on Sam and Daniel's faces.
Daniel leaned closer to Sam. "We didn't scare her enough when she was younger," he said, to Sam.
Cassie grinned. "Hey, you talked about getting a pet, once Claire was old enough, but you just kept putting it off. I know what you're like - she'd be sixteen before you finally got around to - yes, you're welcome, sweetie!" She knelt to accept the sticky, enthusiastic hug of gratitude offered by the toddler, and smirked up at Sam and Daniel. "Yes, baby, Auntie Cassie is very happy you like your present." She leaned closer to hear what Claire was saying into her neck, and bit back a smile. "Um, no, hon, I don't think you'll have to take your baby brother back. I think you can have both."
Daniel groaned, quietly, and glanced at Sam, who was reluctantly smiling. "Doomed," he said, quietly. "We're doomed to have a house full of kids and small animals."
Sam's smile grew, and she hooked her hand into his belt. "And Jaffa who turn to mush around babies, and ageing generals-"
"Hey!"
"-and young women who should know better than to play tricks on me because I will have my revenge. And the other two who are probably going to turn up any minute now to help turn this place upside-down, because we seem to have become SG-1 Grand Central."
Daniel considered that for a moment. "Could be worse, I suppose."
"They could actually live here."
"That would be worse."
By abyssinia4077:
"No," Sam said, Daniel echoing her a second later.
"C'mon!" Jack held his arms out. "He just wants to meet them."
"And what happens when Ben tells his preschool class about the grey alien who came to dinner?" Sam asked. "Or Claire brings it up in show and tell?"
Jack shrugged and sipped his beer. "We tell people it was a puppet - we did it before, right? Or was that a hologram...?"
"Thus calling our kids liars," Daniel pointed out, tapping his fingers on Sam's knee.
"C'mon, Carter, you're a genius. Can't you make some hologram so Thor can look human? Or give him a costume?"
Sam looked down at Daniel's hand squeezing her thigh and up into his eyes with a mischievous look he recognized. "I bet you and Thor could come up with something..." he sighed.
***
Jack brought Thor early and Daniel had to admit he was impressed - whatever Thor and Sam had jury-rigged appeared very human, even when the kids got up the nerve to hug him. When Cam showed up with homemade garlic bread, dragging Vala and enough cupcakes to feed an army, they got the usual reaction.
Claire ran up, Ben toddling just behind her. "What'd you bring us? What'd you bring us?" they chanted, tugging on Vala's arms.
"Oh, was I supposed to bring you something?" Vala smiled, batting away the hand Ben was reaching into her pocket. "Let's see..." she appeared to hunt around a minute before pulling two small, brightly-wrapped packages seemingly out of nowhere. At Sam's groan, Daniel reached out and rubbed her back - he'd long since given up any attempts to stop Vala from spoiling them rotten.
Dinner was remarkably uneventful, aside from Ben attempting to wear his spaghetti as a hat and Claire insisting that if Teal'c didn't eat the broccoli in his salad, she didn't have to either. Thor didn't really eat and they couldn't disguise his voice, but the kids were used to slightly odd people hanging around and decided, when he juggled four spoons at once, that they liked him.
Daniel got all the tomato sauce washed out of Ben's hair with a minimum of water splashed onto the floor from the plethora of toy boats, submarines and sea creatures gifted to their bathroom over the past few years. As he was toweling Ben dry the boy looked up and asked, "Can I get a cool tattoo like Teal'c has?" pointing to his forehead.
Daniel hid the surprised laugh under a cough. "Uh, why don't we talk about that when you're eighteen?"
It only took through five of the labors of Hercules to get Ben to sleep and he checked that Claire was settled under the covers with her newest set of library books before heading downstairs.
Thor had exchanged his costume for his normal command chair and Vala was sprawled cat-like along the back of the sofa, one hand tracing through Cam's hair. Daniel took the beer Sam offered him and settled himself on the floor near Jack.
Halfway through Thor's explanation of the Asgard's newest cloning techniques they heard the unmistakable patter of little feet upstairs, followed by a very loud crash and a loud whine Daniel knew would work itself quickly into full-on screaming.
Daniel nodded to Sam and shot up the stairs, finding the kids and the dog all in Claire's bedroom and a screaming, stunned-looking Ben in the middle of the floor. "Ben tried to ride Ra again!" Claire announced, pointing an accusing finger. Daniel resisted the flinch - he still had to kill Jack for suggesting the name.
The boy quieted down when Daniel scooped him off the floor - more startled than hurt. Claire leapt out of bed, leading the way down the stairs, probably hoping to twist the situation into a bowl of ice cream.
It was only when he nearly ran Claire over at the bottom of the stairs and saw the stunned faces looking back at him that he remembered Thor was still there, without his disguise.
By pepper_field:
It was a conspiracy, Sam decided. A conspiracy to drive her insane. "It's not paranoia when they really are out to get you," she grumbled.
"Whu-?"
"Nothing, Daniel. Go back to sleep."
Daniel slumped back, face-down in the pillows. "Ugh. I can't. What the hell is all that noise?"
"The Hyena Squad," she growled, pulling her pillow over her head. "Make them stop," she said, muffled. "Or I am going to hurt someone."
Daniel sighed, groaned, and rolled out of bed, landing on his knees on the floor. "It's a thought." There was a renewed burst of noise from downstairs. "A definite thought. Who gave them keys?"
"Who says they needed keys? They have Vala."
Daniel grunted as he pulled on boxers. "I'm gonna throttle Teal'c."
"Teal'c?" Sam peered out from under the pillow.
Daniel shrugged and nearly toppled over, halfway into a pair of pants. "Vala and Jack are like that, and Cam is easily led astray by those two terrors. But Teal'c knows better."
"True." Sam rolled over and stared at the ceiling. "Dammit. I'm not going to go back to sleep now."
Daniel pulled on a T-shirt, and sat on the bed next to her. "I'll kick them out into the garden," he suggested. "You can go back to sleep then."
"Nah, it's okay. I'll get up." She sat up. "This used to be so much easier. What happened?" Daniel smiled, and kissed her gently on the forehead. "Oh, yeah. That." Belaying her grumpy tone, she gave him a sunny smile.
At the bottom of the stairs, Sam put her finger to her lips, and they both peered around the corner at the scene of destruction.
Cam was the only one who seemed to be doing anything productive. He was stirring something on the stove with a long wooden spoon. Whatever it was, it didn't have his attention. That was on Vala, who for some reason was lying on her stomach on the breakfast bar, knees bent and ankles hooked, feet swinging behind her as she talked animatedly. She was surrounded by the opened packets, boxes, cartons and other sundry ingredients of whatever was being cooked - which seemed to have involved most of the food in the kitchen.
Jack was sprawled on the couch in the living room, fenced in by a wall of cereal boxes (when had they bought that much cereal? Why?). He was laughing at Teal'c. Teal'c was lying flat on his back on the floor, feet ninety degrees to the floor. Resting on the soles of his feet was a laughing six-year-old, arms outstretched, flying.
Sam opened her mouth to yell, meaning to make them all jump.
"Thought you two were never gonna get up," said Jack, mildly, taking the wind out of her sails. He glanced back at the pair in the doorway, eyes twinkling evilly. "We didn't wake you, did we?"
"Jack," said Daniel, with exasperation. "What have you been feeding Ben?" The boy was giggling delightedly, making zooming noises, as Teal'c (with exasperatingly good abdominal strength for someone nearly a century old) swayed him through the air.
"Cereal," said Jack, shrugging innocently, at the same time as Vala said, "Oatmeal," Cam said "A bagel," and Teal'c said, "An apple," and the child in question yelled, "Popcorn!"
Sam and Daniel looked at one another. Daniel shrugged.
"It'll be Teal'c he throws up on," he said, philosophically.
By abyssinia4077:
"...And, so, Gigglamesh picked up his sword and joined Inkydu..." Jack read.
"Nnoooo!"
"No, what?" Jack asked, puzzled. Daniel tried to look busy with the work he'd brought home from SGC but he knew where this was heading.
Sure enough, a small, sticky hand was soon incessantly tugging at his elbow. "Yes?"
"Uncle Jack's reading it wrong again!" Ben told him, stomping a foot and glaring back at the living room. "He doesn't say the names right!"
Daniel leaned back in his chair and sighed as Jack called in from the couch. "Why are you teaching him Babylonian mythology anyway, Daniel? Don't you have any Dr. Seuss?"
"Ben?" Daniel looked down seriously. "Why don't you find Dr. Seuss's Sleep Book and have Uncle Jack read you that instead?" If Daniel was lucky, it would also put them both to sleep. When the boy's scowl only deepened he asked, "What's wrong with it?"
"Mom says the science is all messed up! She says it can't be night everywhere at once," Ben told him. "She said..."
Daniel looked around and leaned down to whisper conspiratorially in the boy's ear, "But Uncle Jack really likes it, so can you do it for him?"
Soon the sounds of Jack tripping over the rhymes - "...when gooses dream that they're drinking of juices of mooses..." - came from the other room and Daniel could once again focus on the translation in front of him. It wasn't until he reached the end of the passage when he realized how quiet the other room had become, and that only Jack was asleep on the couch.
He wandered into the kitchen, hoping to find a cup of coffee and not too much evidence of mischief along the way. Vala was standing at the sink, elbow-deep in dishwater and Cam was at the counter, frowning over some muffin tins. "Uh, when did you guys get here?" Daniel asked - one of these days he'd stop being surprised to just find them in his house.
"Sam brought us back," Vala said, building a mountain with the soap bubbles and reaching out to apply a handful to Daniel's nose. "And the munchkin asked Cameron to make his famous muffins."
"Yeah, well, I think he measured wrong when he was helping me," Cam muttered, "cause this batter sure doesn't look right."
"Sam's back?" She'd been gone all week fixing some problems at the Alpha Site and Daniel was a little miffed she hadn't let him know she was back. "Speaking of the little terror, where is he?" Daniel asked, sneezing once before wiping off the soap bubbles and getting them to dangle off one of Vala's pig-tails.
"Teal'c bought him a new kite - they're at the park," Cam told him, carefully spooning the too-liquidy batter into the pan. "And Sam headed straight for your shower - guess the Alpha Site's plumbing was down."
Daniel nodded thoughtfully and, coffee forgotten, headed for the stairs. The bathroom door was cracked open, warm steam coming out from the crack and he pushed it open to find Sam standing in a towel, squinting at the mirror. "Hey you," he said, wrapping his arms around her and resting his head on the damp skin of her shoulder. "Missed you."
Sam smiled at him in the mirror. "I think I'm getting grey hair," she muttered, poking along the part on top of her head. "And you didn't miss me, you missed having someone else to help you run interference from the Hyena Squad."
"Maybe a little," he admitted, kissing along the side of her neck. "Speaking of which," he muttered, slowly guiding her to their bedroom. "Jack's passed out on the sofa, Vala and Cam are completely occupied by some very confusing muffins, and Teal'c has taken Ben kite-flying."
"Oh, really?" she smiled against his mouth as she walked backwards until her knees hit the bed. He lay her down and crawled over her, wrapping his hands through the not-at-all-grey-hair. "And did you have something in mind?"
"Maybe," he muttered, leaning down to kiss her. "I could use some sleep." He grinned as she swatted him, pushing him over until she was above him and she could gain easy access to the buttons on his shirt.
Just when she'd finally gotten it off there was a loud crash below and Daniel jumped up, banging his forehead into hers. "Ouch! What now?"
"I don't know!" She said, flopping back down onto the bed next to him. "Do you think if we're really quiet..."
"But I wanted to try flying!" The bellowing voice of a six-year-old told her otherwise.
"The kite is not large enough to carry a child," Teal'c's voice calmly explained.
"But mom told me all about hang-gliding! I wanna try it!"
"Oh, god," Sam said, grabbing a pillow and putting it over her head.
"This one's you," Daniel told her, digging an elbow into her ribs.
By the time they got downstairs Cam and Vala had managed to start the muffins on fire, setting off the smoke alarm, Jack was promising to take Ben flying the upcoming weekend and Teal'c was sitting in the corner of the room, deftly repairing a torn kite.
"Well, they haven't actually burned the house down," Daniel muttered.
"Yet," Sam replied.
By pepper_field ( here)
Sam raced through the undergrowth, heart pounding, gun in one hand, the other hand raised to stop the twigs that tried to whip into her face. Okay, she was definitely more skilled and more experienced than her enemy, but they had numbers on their side. If only her backup would hurry up...
There were noises close behind. They weren't bothering with concealment. They were hunting her, and they were enjoying it.
But she wasn't going down without a fight. She primed the gun as quietly as she could, and glanced at her depleted ammunition. She was nearly out. But one thing she'd learnt on her years on SG-1 was never surrender. Thinking quickly, she concealed herself behind a toppled tree and listened as they got closer. Just as she thought they were actually going to run past, they stopped.
"Where's she gone?"
"She's got away!"
"Don't be stupid, she won't have gone anywhere. You go that way, I'll go this way. If you see her, yell real loud, okay?"
"Okay."
They separated. Damn, they were inadvertently creating a pincer movement around her hiding place. She drew a deep breath, and prepared to go down fighting...
"GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"
Her heart leapt, recognizing the voice. Daniel! Backup! At last!
There were shrieks, and she leapt up to join in the kamikaze attack on the enemy, wildly firing her last few shots. She was immediately tackled to the ground by two small and grubby creatures, yelling and shrieking. She collapsed under the combined weight, a rogue nerf ball bouncing off her head. "Hey, whose side are you on?" she asked Daniel, as she wrestled to pin Claire and Ben in her arms. They were laughing so hard they could hardly speak, and Daniel picked Ben up and pointed him in the direction of Ra, who was jumping around and barking excitedly at them all. Ben leaped on Ra and wrestled him to the ground, and Daniel raised his nerf gun and blew across the barrel as if to cool it. Then he smirked at Sam, who was still struggling.
"Need some help there, little lady?"
Sam was trying to catch her daughter, who'd apparently taken lessons from Cassie about fighting dirty. "Don't you 'little lady' me," she huffed.
"Wasn't talking to you," said Daniel. Claire glanced up, exchanged a very speaking look with her dad - and Daniel promptly pounced on Sam, shortly followed Ben and Ra.
"Eek!" squawked Sam in surprise at this treachery. "Not fair! Not fair!"
"Infamy, infamy," declaimed Daniel, as he helped by pinning her hands and pointing out her most ticklish spots. "Everybody's got it infamy! Do you surrender?"
Sam NEVER surrendered.
After she'd dealt with Daniel and chased the dog off, she grabbed Claire and Ben by the ankles and dragged them back - through as much mud as she could find - to the cabin Jack had loaned them for the week. Ra danced behind them, and Daniel followed much more sedately, carrying the nerf guns. There she collapsed on the deck, and Daniel dropped heavily beside her. "Oh god. I swear that used to be easier." She looked down at Claire, who'd crawled up to lay her head on Sam's stomach. "Whatever happened to feminine loyalty, huh?"
"Sorry, mom," said Claire, not in the least bit repentantly.
Sam let her head drop. "Surrounded by traitors," she remarked to the sky.
Ben - having had a thirty seconds to recuperate - leaped up and threw his arms around her neck. "Not me, mommy! I'm not a traitor!"
Sam met Daniel's eyes as he sat watching them. He smiled. She rubbed Ben's back. "Okay, not you."
"Not me either, mom!" Apparently Claire had located her repentance, once her little brother was getting hugs. Sam gathered her in, too.
"Not you, either," she agreed.
"Stop copying me, Claire," said Ben, irritably pushing his big sister away.
"I'm not copying you, Ben! Don't be such a baby."
"I'm not being a baby! Mo-om-!"
"Enough," said Sam, firmly. "I knew it was too good to last. Hit the showers. Go on, both of you. Now!" she added, when - affirmations of devotion apparently forgotten - they gave her identical looks of disgust.
When they'd gone, trailing dirt into the cabin, she draped an arm over her face. "Brats. You'd think they'd be too tired to argue."
Daniel shuffled over to her, and lay his head on her stomach, breathing out a groan. "They're never too tired to argue."
"They get that from you."
"Oh, I think it's from you."
"I'm not argumentative."
"Oh, really?"
"I'm not!" Sam sat up, prepared to defend herself, but Daniel was grinning broadly at her. "Oh, you... linguist," she said, dropping back down in disgust at herself for being caught. "Honestly, in a house full of mini-Daniels, it's no wonder I have to beat someone up, every now and then." She softened the remark by laying her hand on his head and stroking his hair back. Daniel hmmed with pleasure. "They're getting so big. It doesn't seem like it's been long enough for them to be talking back to me."
"Wasn't it Jack who predicted that our kids would be born talking back?"
"They practically were. You remember Ben telling Teal'c that he could be his First Prime?"
Daniel groaned. "Yes. All too well. Thank god Teal'c's a sucker for three-year-old tyrants." His head jiggled when Sam chuckled, and he sighed as she went back to running her fingers through his hair.
"Daniel..." she said, tentatively.
"Mmm?"
"How would you feel about having another one?"
His eyes snapped open again. He lifted his head and turned to look at her. "Sam? Are you...?"
"No, no," she said, quickly. "I was just considering the idea. Wondered what you might think about it." Her voice was diffident, but her eyes - weren't.
Daniel opened his mouth to speak - and there was an enormous crash from the house. "Shit."
They were scrambling up and into the house before the slow whine could work itself up into full-on crying.
Hours later, Daniel grabbed at Sam's belt loop as she went to make one last coffee before bed. She let him pull her down, and he tucked his chin over her shoulder, folding their arms together around her. "Were you serious?" he asked.
Sam nodded. "But it's not... I'm happy with what we've got," she said, quietly. "It's not any kind of definite plan. I don't know if it's possible - and you know, I won't be heartbroken if it's not. I just - I don't hate the idea, you know?"
He rubbed his chin across her shoulder, and then buried his mouth in her neck. "I don't hate the idea, either," he murmured, and then smiled. "I don't know what the others will say about it, though."
Sam snorted. "And are you planning on asking their permission to get your wife knocked up?"
Daniel smiled, and bit her neck. "I'm just working out my excuses for when one of the Hyena Squad corner me and threaten to have me spayed."
Sam's voice was pleasant, but the undertone was steely. "Send them to me if they do." She glanced back at him. "Are you telling me they've-?"
"They were just expressing their affection in their usual dysfunctional manner," said Daniel, quickly. "They got funny like that, you know, both times. It was sort of sweet, in a really overreactionary way. I told them you'd kick their asses if you ever found out."
"'They'?" Sam turned around on his lap. "C'mon, Daniel - name names. I'm guessing Vala wasn't one of them."
"Actually, she threatened to castrate me with a ceremonial secespita," said Daniel, reminiscently. "Cassie said she might put bromide in my coffee if I got any ideas about keeping you barefoot and pregnant - her words. Teal'c and Jack merely offered me old-fashioned violence if anything bad happened to you. Aaand then took me out and got me very drunk."
"Oh, I remember that part," said Sam. "And Cam?"
"Has a huge family and was thrilled for us both." Daniel shrugged. "They can't all be nuts, all of the time." He shook her gently when she stayed stiff in his arms. "You hadn't forgotten that they're all completely insane, had you?"
Sam laughed, reluctantly, and relaxed. "I guess I should've known," she said. She leaned back against him, resting her head. "Don't ever change, will you?"
Daniel kissed her neck, which was conveniently close and exposed. "You know, if we do, I might go a little tiny bit insane and worry about you, right? I mean, don't hold it against me."
Sam patted his arm. "I'll try to suppress the urge to castrate you with a - what was it?"
"Secespita. Roman sacrificial knife." She smiled broadly. "A blunt one," he added, for her amusement.
"Ah, Vala'd never do it," said Sam, and paused for just the right amount of time. "She finds our sex life far too interesting to ruin it like that."
"Sam!"
In a moment of frightening madness, the Sam/Daniel kidfic was born.
In chronological order (not order of posting, because that skipped back and forth across the timeline):
By pepper_field:
Daniel closed the door, leaned back against it, and sighed with overly dramatic relief. Then he pushed himself away from it, started to head towards the living room - and did a swift u-turn, going back to lock it. He nodded in satisfaction.
After a moment's thought, he put the latch on, too.
"That ought to keep them out for a while," he announced, strolling back into the living room. Sam widened her eyes at him, and he stopped, putting a hand to his mouth. "Oops, sorry," he whispered. "I've locked the door."
Sam looked about as cynical as a person could whilst wearing fluffy slippers, sweatpants, a drool-stained T-shirt, outstandingly messy hair, and a baby asleep on their chest. "Well, aside from beaming technology, NID taskforces, alien attack, phonecalls from the SGC, phonecalls from the Pentagon, and Vala, we should get some peace, then."
Daniel sat next to her on to the couch. "Could you rig up some sort of force shield?" he asked, hopefully.
Sam shook her head. "The mailman might notice. Besides, once the novelty wears off, they'll stop crowding around here."
Daniel had picked up a tiny, tiny sock, and was fitting it onto his thumb. "I don't think the novelty's going to wear off for me, for a while," he said, quietly, waggling it like a sock puppet.
Sam shuffled around a bit, without jostling Claire, so she could lean back against him. "Me either," she murmured, stroking the tiny little fist that gripped her shirt, and resting her hand on the tiny back, reassured by the rhythmic rise and fall.
Daniel continued to play with the sock, wondering how soon was too soon to start learning to read, as Sam gently joined their daughter in sleep.
By abyssinia4077:
Sam stood in the doorway, just watching, fairly certain Daniel wasn't even aware she was there. Claire had taken a few, tentative steps the other week and was now standing, clutching the coffee table, looking very disconcerted that there were several feet between her and her father and nothing to hold onto on the way there.
Jack came up behind her, quietly taking the dishtowel and pot (which she'd been absent-mindedly drying for five minutes now) out of her hands, as Claire started to take a step and then grabbed back at the table with renewed determination. In the living room Daniel smiled, holding out his arms and muttering encouragement.
"Fatherhood suits him," Jack observed quietly.
Sam nodded. "I was a little worried at first. We weren't exactly trying - thought we were too old. When I first told him, I was scared of the memories it might bring up." She still remembered her hand shaking as she looked down at the little pink plus sign, her mind rushing back all those years to Abydos and the week of pained silence after Daniel had delivered Sha're's child. She should have known that a man who could find it in himself to still love Shifu would be thrilled with this change of events.
When she told him, she had seen it all flash across his face - surprise and shock and that moment of painful memory - but it ended in a grin and a comment that it was a good thing they were no longer on an active 'gate team and then suddenly nine months had passed and they discovered that, even after all they'd seen, the universe could still surprise them.
"When it's your kid, none of that matters anymore," Jack said, reminding Sam that he was taking to being an honorary uncle remarkably well. Sometimes she thought SG-1 could provide a psychologist with a career's worth of research material.
In the living room Daniel had scooted slightly closer, stretching his arms out, and carrying on a constant stream of encouragement that was sometimes in English (Sam kept insisting they would confuse her, Daniel kept insisting it would help her brain develop). Finally, Claire got a determined look on her face, eyebrows bending slightly in towards her nose, and she released the table, taking five unbalanced steps before falling into her father's arms with a jubilant shriek.
"Yeah!" Jack announced, striding into the room. "That's our girl." He kneeled down, seeming to ignore the pop from his knee that made Sam wince, and held out his own hands. Claire offered a mostly-toothless grin, shouted "Ja!" and pushed her father's hands away, staggering across the short distance with her arms outstretched until Jack reached out and in one fluid motion lifted her high above his head, spinning in slow circles and making airplane noises.
"Well, I guess we know who she likes best," Sam commented, putting an arm around Daniel's waist when he reached the doorway. They watched for a minute as Jack took Claire on a high-flying, giggle-filled tour of the living room.
"Eh, we'll get her back as soon as there's a diaper that needs attending to," Daniel commented, pulling her close.
"So," Sam whispered quietly in his ear. "What do you think of siblings?"
She felt him stiffen for a second before giving her a surprised look. "Can we catch up on sleep first?"
She just gave him an appraising look. "Like you ever needed sleep before."
Any response he might have had was lost when the kitchen door banged open and Vala strode in, Cam and Teal'c in tow. "Sorry we're late," Cam muttered, plopping onto a stool. "P7X-649 was a mess. I swear it was raining mud."
"He took much too long in the shower," Vala confided. "I was beginning to think he'd washed down the drain. Or found something exciting to do in there."
"Anyway, we heard there was spaghetti," Cam mentioned, offering up a hopeful look.
"I think there already are siblings," Daniel muttered in Sam's ear before she swatted him away and dug the leftovers out of the fridge.
By pepper_field:
It was a blissful four years before the inevitable happened.
"Doggie!"
Sam dropped her head to her hands. Daniel opened his mouth to protest, shot a look at four-year-old Claire and baby Ben, and closed it again, with a snap. "A dog?" he asked, smiling through his teeth.
"Every child has to have a dog," Cassie explained, smugly. "Someone once told me it was the law."
As one, Sam and Daniel turned to look accusingly at Jack, who, with Claire, was already making a big fuss of the new puppy. Feeling eyes on him, Jack looked up. "What?" He pointed at Cassie. "She bought it!"
"And you just happened to be here for the great puppy unveiling because...?"
"Well, of course I agreed to help, once Cassie told me... Help me out here," Jack demanded, turning to Cassie.
"It was my idea," Cassie acknowledged. She shrugged breezily at the expressions on Sam and Daniel's faces.
Daniel leaned closer to Sam. "We didn't scare her enough when she was younger," he said, to Sam.
Cassie grinned. "Hey, you talked about getting a pet, once Claire was old enough, but you just kept putting it off. I know what you're like - she'd be sixteen before you finally got around to - yes, you're welcome, sweetie!" She knelt to accept the sticky, enthusiastic hug of gratitude offered by the toddler, and smirked up at Sam and Daniel. "Yes, baby, Auntie Cassie is very happy you like your present." She leaned closer to hear what Claire was saying into her neck, and bit back a smile. "Um, no, hon, I don't think you'll have to take your baby brother back. I think you can have both."
Daniel groaned, quietly, and glanced at Sam, who was reluctantly smiling. "Doomed," he said, quietly. "We're doomed to have a house full of kids and small animals."
Sam's smile grew, and she hooked her hand into his belt. "And Jaffa who turn to mush around babies, and ageing generals-"
"Hey!"
"-and young women who should know better than to play tricks on me because I will have my revenge. And the other two who are probably going to turn up any minute now to help turn this place upside-down, because we seem to have become SG-1 Grand Central."
Daniel considered that for a moment. "Could be worse, I suppose."
"They could actually live here."
"That would be worse."
By abyssinia4077:
"No," Sam said, Daniel echoing her a second later.
"C'mon!" Jack held his arms out. "He just wants to meet them."
"And what happens when Ben tells his preschool class about the grey alien who came to dinner?" Sam asked. "Or Claire brings it up in show and tell?"
Jack shrugged and sipped his beer. "We tell people it was a puppet - we did it before, right? Or was that a hologram...?"
"Thus calling our kids liars," Daniel pointed out, tapping his fingers on Sam's knee.
"C'mon, Carter, you're a genius. Can't you make some hologram so Thor can look human? Or give him a costume?"
Sam looked down at Daniel's hand squeezing her thigh and up into his eyes with a mischievous look he recognized. "I bet you and Thor could come up with something..." he sighed.
***
Jack brought Thor early and Daniel had to admit he was impressed - whatever Thor and Sam had jury-rigged appeared very human, even when the kids got up the nerve to hug him. When Cam showed up with homemade garlic bread, dragging Vala and enough cupcakes to feed an army, they got the usual reaction.
Claire ran up, Ben toddling just behind her. "What'd you bring us? What'd you bring us?" they chanted, tugging on Vala's arms.
"Oh, was I supposed to bring you something?" Vala smiled, batting away the hand Ben was reaching into her pocket. "Let's see..." she appeared to hunt around a minute before pulling two small, brightly-wrapped packages seemingly out of nowhere. At Sam's groan, Daniel reached out and rubbed her back - he'd long since given up any attempts to stop Vala from spoiling them rotten.
Dinner was remarkably uneventful, aside from Ben attempting to wear his spaghetti as a hat and Claire insisting that if Teal'c didn't eat the broccoli in his salad, she didn't have to either. Thor didn't really eat and they couldn't disguise his voice, but the kids were used to slightly odd people hanging around and decided, when he juggled four spoons at once, that they liked him.
Daniel got all the tomato sauce washed out of Ben's hair with a minimum of water splashed onto the floor from the plethora of toy boats, submarines and sea creatures gifted to their bathroom over the past few years. As he was toweling Ben dry the boy looked up and asked, "Can I get a cool tattoo like Teal'c has?" pointing to his forehead.
Daniel hid the surprised laugh under a cough. "Uh, why don't we talk about that when you're eighteen?"
It only took through five of the labors of Hercules to get Ben to sleep and he checked that Claire was settled under the covers with her newest set of library books before heading downstairs.
Thor had exchanged his costume for his normal command chair and Vala was sprawled cat-like along the back of the sofa, one hand tracing through Cam's hair. Daniel took the beer Sam offered him and settled himself on the floor near Jack.
Halfway through Thor's explanation of the Asgard's newest cloning techniques they heard the unmistakable patter of little feet upstairs, followed by a very loud crash and a loud whine Daniel knew would work itself quickly into full-on screaming.
Daniel nodded to Sam and shot up the stairs, finding the kids and the dog all in Claire's bedroom and a screaming, stunned-looking Ben in the middle of the floor. "Ben tried to ride Ra again!" Claire announced, pointing an accusing finger. Daniel resisted the flinch - he still had to kill Jack for suggesting the name.
The boy quieted down when Daniel scooped him off the floor - more startled than hurt. Claire leapt out of bed, leading the way down the stairs, probably hoping to twist the situation into a bowl of ice cream.
It was only when he nearly ran Claire over at the bottom of the stairs and saw the stunned faces looking back at him that he remembered Thor was still there, without his disguise.
By pepper_field:
It was a conspiracy, Sam decided. A conspiracy to drive her insane. "It's not paranoia when they really are out to get you," she grumbled.
"Whu-?"
"Nothing, Daniel. Go back to sleep."
Daniel slumped back, face-down in the pillows. "Ugh. I can't. What the hell is all that noise?"
"The Hyena Squad," she growled, pulling her pillow over her head. "Make them stop," she said, muffled. "Or I am going to hurt someone."
Daniel sighed, groaned, and rolled out of bed, landing on his knees on the floor. "It's a thought." There was a renewed burst of noise from downstairs. "A definite thought. Who gave them keys?"
"Who says they needed keys? They have Vala."
Daniel grunted as he pulled on boxers. "I'm gonna throttle Teal'c."
"Teal'c?" Sam peered out from under the pillow.
Daniel shrugged and nearly toppled over, halfway into a pair of pants. "Vala and Jack are like that, and Cam is easily led astray by those two terrors. But Teal'c knows better."
"True." Sam rolled over and stared at the ceiling. "Dammit. I'm not going to go back to sleep now."
Daniel pulled on a T-shirt, and sat on the bed next to her. "I'll kick them out into the garden," he suggested. "You can go back to sleep then."
"Nah, it's okay. I'll get up." She sat up. "This used to be so much easier. What happened?" Daniel smiled, and kissed her gently on the forehead. "Oh, yeah. That." Belaying her grumpy tone, she gave him a sunny smile.
At the bottom of the stairs, Sam put her finger to her lips, and they both peered around the corner at the scene of destruction.
Cam was the only one who seemed to be doing anything productive. He was stirring something on the stove with a long wooden spoon. Whatever it was, it didn't have his attention. That was on Vala, who for some reason was lying on her stomach on the breakfast bar, knees bent and ankles hooked, feet swinging behind her as she talked animatedly. She was surrounded by the opened packets, boxes, cartons and other sundry ingredients of whatever was being cooked - which seemed to have involved most of the food in the kitchen.
Jack was sprawled on the couch in the living room, fenced in by a wall of cereal boxes (when had they bought that much cereal? Why?). He was laughing at Teal'c. Teal'c was lying flat on his back on the floor, feet ninety degrees to the floor. Resting on the soles of his feet was a laughing six-year-old, arms outstretched, flying.
Sam opened her mouth to yell, meaning to make them all jump.
"Thought you two were never gonna get up," said Jack, mildly, taking the wind out of her sails. He glanced back at the pair in the doorway, eyes twinkling evilly. "We didn't wake you, did we?"
"Jack," said Daniel, with exasperation. "What have you been feeding Ben?" The boy was giggling delightedly, making zooming noises, as Teal'c (with exasperatingly good abdominal strength for someone nearly a century old) swayed him through the air.
"Cereal," said Jack, shrugging innocently, at the same time as Vala said, "Oatmeal," Cam said "A bagel," and Teal'c said, "An apple," and the child in question yelled, "Popcorn!"
Sam and Daniel looked at one another. Daniel shrugged.
"It'll be Teal'c he throws up on," he said, philosophically.
By abyssinia4077:
"...And, so, Gigglamesh picked up his sword and joined Inkydu..." Jack read.
"Nnoooo!"
"No, what?" Jack asked, puzzled. Daniel tried to look busy with the work he'd brought home from SGC but he knew where this was heading.
Sure enough, a small, sticky hand was soon incessantly tugging at his elbow. "Yes?"
"Uncle Jack's reading it wrong again!" Ben told him, stomping a foot and glaring back at the living room. "He doesn't say the names right!"
Daniel leaned back in his chair and sighed as Jack called in from the couch. "Why are you teaching him Babylonian mythology anyway, Daniel? Don't you have any Dr. Seuss?"
"Ben?" Daniel looked down seriously. "Why don't you find Dr. Seuss's Sleep Book and have Uncle Jack read you that instead?" If Daniel was lucky, it would also put them both to sleep. When the boy's scowl only deepened he asked, "What's wrong with it?"
"Mom says the science is all messed up! She says it can't be night everywhere at once," Ben told him. "She said..."
Daniel looked around and leaned down to whisper conspiratorially in the boy's ear, "But Uncle Jack really likes it, so can you do it for him?"
Soon the sounds of Jack tripping over the rhymes - "...when gooses dream that they're drinking of juices of mooses..." - came from the other room and Daniel could once again focus on the translation in front of him. It wasn't until he reached the end of the passage when he realized how quiet the other room had become, and that only Jack was asleep on the couch.
He wandered into the kitchen, hoping to find a cup of coffee and not too much evidence of mischief along the way. Vala was standing at the sink, elbow-deep in dishwater and Cam was at the counter, frowning over some muffin tins. "Uh, when did you guys get here?" Daniel asked - one of these days he'd stop being surprised to just find them in his house.
"Sam brought us back," Vala said, building a mountain with the soap bubbles and reaching out to apply a handful to Daniel's nose. "And the munchkin asked Cameron to make his famous muffins."
"Yeah, well, I think he measured wrong when he was helping me," Cam muttered, "cause this batter sure doesn't look right."
"Sam's back?" She'd been gone all week fixing some problems at the Alpha Site and Daniel was a little miffed she hadn't let him know she was back. "Speaking of the little terror, where is he?" Daniel asked, sneezing once before wiping off the soap bubbles and getting them to dangle off one of Vala's pig-tails.
"Teal'c bought him a new kite - they're at the park," Cam told him, carefully spooning the too-liquidy batter into the pan. "And Sam headed straight for your shower - guess the Alpha Site's plumbing was down."
Daniel nodded thoughtfully and, coffee forgotten, headed for the stairs. The bathroom door was cracked open, warm steam coming out from the crack and he pushed it open to find Sam standing in a towel, squinting at the mirror. "Hey you," he said, wrapping his arms around her and resting his head on the damp skin of her shoulder. "Missed you."
Sam smiled at him in the mirror. "I think I'm getting grey hair," she muttered, poking along the part on top of her head. "And you didn't miss me, you missed having someone else to help you run interference from the Hyena Squad."
"Maybe a little," he admitted, kissing along the side of her neck. "Speaking of which," he muttered, slowly guiding her to their bedroom. "Jack's passed out on the sofa, Vala and Cam are completely occupied by some very confusing muffins, and Teal'c has taken Ben kite-flying."
"Oh, really?" she smiled against his mouth as she walked backwards until her knees hit the bed. He lay her down and crawled over her, wrapping his hands through the not-at-all-grey-hair. "And did you have something in mind?"
"Maybe," he muttered, leaning down to kiss her. "I could use some sleep." He grinned as she swatted him, pushing him over until she was above him and she could gain easy access to the buttons on his shirt.
Just when she'd finally gotten it off there was a loud crash below and Daniel jumped up, banging his forehead into hers. "Ouch! What now?"
"I don't know!" She said, flopping back down onto the bed next to him. "Do you think if we're really quiet..."
"But I wanted to try flying!" The bellowing voice of a six-year-old told her otherwise.
"The kite is not large enough to carry a child," Teal'c's voice calmly explained.
"But mom told me all about hang-gliding! I wanna try it!"
"Oh, god," Sam said, grabbing a pillow and putting it over her head.
"This one's you," Daniel told her, digging an elbow into her ribs.
By the time they got downstairs Cam and Vala had managed to start the muffins on fire, setting off the smoke alarm, Jack was promising to take Ben flying the upcoming weekend and Teal'c was sitting in the corner of the room, deftly repairing a torn kite.
"Well, they haven't actually burned the house down," Daniel muttered.
"Yet," Sam replied.
By pepper_field ( here)
Sam raced through the undergrowth, heart pounding, gun in one hand, the other hand raised to stop the twigs that tried to whip into her face. Okay, she was definitely more skilled and more experienced than her enemy, but they had numbers on their side. If only her backup would hurry up...
There were noises close behind. They weren't bothering with concealment. They were hunting her, and they were enjoying it.
But she wasn't going down without a fight. She primed the gun as quietly as she could, and glanced at her depleted ammunition. She was nearly out. But one thing she'd learnt on her years on SG-1 was never surrender. Thinking quickly, she concealed herself behind a toppled tree and listened as they got closer. Just as she thought they were actually going to run past, they stopped.
"Where's she gone?"
"She's got away!"
"Don't be stupid, she won't have gone anywhere. You go that way, I'll go this way. If you see her, yell real loud, okay?"
"Okay."
They separated. Damn, they were inadvertently creating a pincer movement around her hiding place. She drew a deep breath, and prepared to go down fighting...
"GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"
Her heart leapt, recognizing the voice. Daniel! Backup! At last!
There were shrieks, and she leapt up to join in the kamikaze attack on the enemy, wildly firing her last few shots. She was immediately tackled to the ground by two small and grubby creatures, yelling and shrieking. She collapsed under the combined weight, a rogue nerf ball bouncing off her head. "Hey, whose side are you on?" she asked Daniel, as she wrestled to pin Claire and Ben in her arms. They were laughing so hard they could hardly speak, and Daniel picked Ben up and pointed him in the direction of Ra, who was jumping around and barking excitedly at them all. Ben leaped on Ra and wrestled him to the ground, and Daniel raised his nerf gun and blew across the barrel as if to cool it. Then he smirked at Sam, who was still struggling.
"Need some help there, little lady?"
Sam was trying to catch her daughter, who'd apparently taken lessons from Cassie about fighting dirty. "Don't you 'little lady' me," she huffed.
"Wasn't talking to you," said Daniel. Claire glanced up, exchanged a very speaking look with her dad - and Daniel promptly pounced on Sam, shortly followed Ben and Ra.
"Eek!" squawked Sam in surprise at this treachery. "Not fair! Not fair!"
"Infamy, infamy," declaimed Daniel, as he helped by pinning her hands and pointing out her most ticklish spots. "Everybody's got it infamy! Do you surrender?"
Sam NEVER surrendered.
After she'd dealt with Daniel and chased the dog off, she grabbed Claire and Ben by the ankles and dragged them back - through as much mud as she could find - to the cabin Jack had loaned them for the week. Ra danced behind them, and Daniel followed much more sedately, carrying the nerf guns. There she collapsed on the deck, and Daniel dropped heavily beside her. "Oh god. I swear that used to be easier." She looked down at Claire, who'd crawled up to lay her head on Sam's stomach. "Whatever happened to feminine loyalty, huh?"
"Sorry, mom," said Claire, not in the least bit repentantly.
Sam let her head drop. "Surrounded by traitors," she remarked to the sky.
Ben - having had a thirty seconds to recuperate - leaped up and threw his arms around her neck. "Not me, mommy! I'm not a traitor!"
Sam met Daniel's eyes as he sat watching them. He smiled. She rubbed Ben's back. "Okay, not you."
"Not me either, mom!" Apparently Claire had located her repentance, once her little brother was getting hugs. Sam gathered her in, too.
"Not you, either," she agreed.
"Stop copying me, Claire," said Ben, irritably pushing his big sister away.
"I'm not copying you, Ben! Don't be such a baby."
"I'm not being a baby! Mo-om-!"
"Enough," said Sam, firmly. "I knew it was too good to last. Hit the showers. Go on, both of you. Now!" she added, when - affirmations of devotion apparently forgotten - they gave her identical looks of disgust.
When they'd gone, trailing dirt into the cabin, she draped an arm over her face. "Brats. You'd think they'd be too tired to argue."
Daniel shuffled over to her, and lay his head on her stomach, breathing out a groan. "They're never too tired to argue."
"They get that from you."
"Oh, I think it's from you."
"I'm not argumentative."
"Oh, really?"
"I'm not!" Sam sat up, prepared to defend herself, but Daniel was grinning broadly at her. "Oh, you... linguist," she said, dropping back down in disgust at herself for being caught. "Honestly, in a house full of mini-Daniels, it's no wonder I have to beat someone up, every now and then." She softened the remark by laying her hand on his head and stroking his hair back. Daniel hmmed with pleasure. "They're getting so big. It doesn't seem like it's been long enough for them to be talking back to me."
"Wasn't it Jack who predicted that our kids would be born talking back?"
"They practically were. You remember Ben telling Teal'c that he could be his First Prime?"
Daniel groaned. "Yes. All too well. Thank god Teal'c's a sucker for three-year-old tyrants." His head jiggled when Sam chuckled, and he sighed as she went back to running her fingers through his hair.
"Daniel..." she said, tentatively.
"Mmm?"
"How would you feel about having another one?"
His eyes snapped open again. He lifted his head and turned to look at her. "Sam? Are you...?"
"No, no," she said, quickly. "I was just considering the idea. Wondered what you might think about it." Her voice was diffident, but her eyes - weren't.
Daniel opened his mouth to speak - and there was an enormous crash from the house. "Shit."
They were scrambling up and into the house before the slow whine could work itself up into full-on crying.
Hours later, Daniel grabbed at Sam's belt loop as she went to make one last coffee before bed. She let him pull her down, and he tucked his chin over her shoulder, folding their arms together around her. "Were you serious?" he asked.
Sam nodded. "But it's not... I'm happy with what we've got," she said, quietly. "It's not any kind of definite plan. I don't know if it's possible - and you know, I won't be heartbroken if it's not. I just - I don't hate the idea, you know?"
He rubbed his chin across her shoulder, and then buried his mouth in her neck. "I don't hate the idea, either," he murmured, and then smiled. "I don't know what the others will say about it, though."
Sam snorted. "And are you planning on asking their permission to get your wife knocked up?"
Daniel smiled, and bit her neck. "I'm just working out my excuses for when one of the Hyena Squad corner me and threaten to have me spayed."
Sam's voice was pleasant, but the undertone was steely. "Send them to me if they do." She glanced back at him. "Are you telling me they've-?"
"They were just expressing their affection in their usual dysfunctional manner," said Daniel, quickly. "They got funny like that, you know, both times. It was sort of sweet, in a really overreactionary way. I told them you'd kick their asses if you ever found out."
"'They'?" Sam turned around on his lap. "C'mon, Daniel - name names. I'm guessing Vala wasn't one of them."
"Actually, she threatened to castrate me with a ceremonial secespita," said Daniel, reminiscently. "Cassie said she might put bromide in my coffee if I got any ideas about keeping you barefoot and pregnant - her words. Teal'c and Jack merely offered me old-fashioned violence if anything bad happened to you. Aaand then took me out and got me very drunk."
"Oh, I remember that part," said Sam. "And Cam?"
"Has a huge family and was thrilled for us both." Daniel shrugged. "They can't all be nuts, all of the time." He shook her gently when she stayed stiff in his arms. "You hadn't forgotten that they're all completely insane, had you?"
Sam laughed, reluctantly, and relaxed. "I guess I should've known," she said. She leaned back against him, resting her head. "Don't ever change, will you?"
Daniel kissed her neck, which was conveniently close and exposed. "You know, if we do, I might go a little tiny bit insane and worry about you, right? I mean, don't hold it against me."
Sam patted his arm. "I'll try to suppress the urge to castrate you with a - what was it?"
"Secespita. Roman sacrificial knife." She smiled broadly. "A blunt one," he added, for her amusement.
"Ah, Vala'd never do it," said Sam, and paused for just the right amount of time. "She finds our sex life far too interesting to ruin it like that."
"Sam!"