(no subject)
Title: An Unexpected Arrival
Author: accio_harry
Disclaimer: Not mine, unfortunately.
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: Harry/Draco, Snape/Lucius, and me and my friend (glitterabyss). Not me/friend, but... we're just there, lol.
Summary: Everyone is in for a surprise when Lucius and Snape fall in love and Harry, Draco, and a pair of annoying and entirely unheard of girls are in the midst of it all. ;)
A/N: I wrote two-thirds of this about a year ago, while I was bored out of my mind in class, and just recently finished the last part. It really is completely pointless, but that's okay, isn't it? :P
An Unexpected Arrival
"Cole, I don't have any more gold! Buy me two more chocolate frogs," whined Lucinda.
Before Nicole could respond, there was a crash and the door of the compartment flew open.
"Uh... oops," said a very flushed Draco.
"Sorry. Mind if we share the room with you two?" asked Harry, glancing out into the hall with a frenzied expression.
"Um, sure," said Nicole. "Why?"
Harry shut the door quickly and muttered several locking charms. "Because - "
Suddenly, dozens of Hogwarts students were outside the door, banging and shouting to be let in.
"Harryyyy! We know you're in there!" screeched Lavender.
"Yeah, mate! Let us in!" hollered Seamus.
"We won't hurt you!" said Dean.
"Yeah, we'll just rip off your clothes - "
"Throw you down - "
"And take advantage of you! Mwuahahaha!"
Silence.
"...Pansy, I thought you were a lesbian," said Draco.
"Huh? ...Oh...Yeah, right. Sorry."
More silence as Pansy shuffled away.
Then... "Draco Lucius Malfoy! Let me in!"
Draco glanced at Harry before asking tentatively, "Dad...?"
"Who else would it be?" asked an exasperated voice. "Open the door this instant, young man!"
Draco slowly stood up and opened the door. Lucius Malfoy swept into the room, followed by Severus Snape.
"D-dad, wha...what are you...?" stuttered Draco, confused.
"Your father," grunted Professor Snape, who was trying profusely to shut the door while the students outside were still shouting and scrambling to get in, "is going to - DAMN KIDS! - be teaching - ARGH! JUST STAY ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE FUCKING DOOR! - Potions with me." With a final shove, he managed to close and lock the door. "There," he said, dusting his hands off and moving over to sit beside Lucius.
"WHAT?! There's going to be TWO of you?" shouted Harry, jumping up.
"Great; another Death Eater as a teacher," Nicole muttered to Lucinda.
"I heard that," growled Snape, his eyes flashing menacingly her way.
Nicole looked out the window and whistled innocently.
Draco ignored Nicole and asked his father, "But... are we allowed to have two professors for the same subject? And since when do you know anything about Potions? Or teaching? Or how to handle students?"
"Who cares, and since he decided he couldn't get enough of me and wanted to be by my side for the rest of his life... literally," replied Snape with a very smug look on his face. Lucius smiled and snaked his arm around Snape's waist, nuzzling his neck lovingly.
"You're gay too?!" Harry burst out.
"Uh, duh!" answered Lucinda, rolling her eyes. "Even I knew that!"
"Will you shut the hell up and keep out of this?!" spat Harry angrily.
"Hey! She didn't do anything wrong! Come on, let's get out of here, Cindo," said Nicole, standing up.
Lucinda followed her lead and the two girls opened the door and squeezed through the mass of students, being sure to leave the door wide open.
"HARRY! DRACO!"
"Now I can get my hands on you!"
"Come to daddy!"
"FUCK!!!"
Lucinda and Nicole grinned and sat unnoticed in a tiny compartment where Ron and Hermione were making out.
* * *
"Ew," said Draco, wrinkling his nose.
"Ew, what?" asked Harry, stuffing 4 pieces of broccoli into his mouth.
"My dad's feeding Sev some pumpkin pie!"
"Eww!!!" said Lucinda and Nicole together.
"What?! What the hell are you two doing here?"
"Uh, duh! We go to Hogwarts too, you know!" replied Lucinda, flipping her hair over her shoulder.
"Annoying little brats, aren't they?" mused Draco before turning to glare disgustedly at his father once more. "Sev! Of all people..."
"I thought you liked Sev?" asked Nicole.
"I do, but...he's my professor, for God's sake! Would you want your father having sex with your teacher? No, of course not... I don't even want him having sex with my own mother!"
"Eww!!!" cried Harry and Lucinda in unison. "Het sex!"
Nicole and Draco rolled their eyes simultaneously. "Annoying little brats."
Harry raised a brow. "You're one to talk, Draco..."
"OH, SEV! OH, YEAH!"
Everyone in the Great Hall immediately stopped talking and swivelled around to watch as Professor Snape threw Lucius Malfoy onto the staff table and climbed on top, bucking his hips wildly.
"COME ON! GIVE IT TO ME, BABY!"
"Oh...my God..." whispered Draco as he collapsed to the floor in a faint.
Harry jumped up to crouch by Draco's side but made no move to revive him. He was enjoying himself a bit too much watching Snape dry hump Lucius on the teachers' table.
Lucinda reached out and covered Nicole's eyes.
Professor McGonagall, seated adjacent to the disturbing activity that was occurring, grabbed at her heart before she fell off her chair and landed on the floor with a sickening crunch.
"Minerva!" cried Albus Dumbledore hoarsely. "Oh, dear... I think that was her hip. Erm... Professor Snape, Professor Malfoy, would the two of you kindly get off the table and take your pleasure-inducing activities elsewhere?"
Slowly, Snape and Lucius climbed off the table, Lucius pouting horribly. "Oh, poo. I thought some of the sexually-challenged students - and professors - could get off while watching us have some fun."
Harry glanced down at his right hand, which had been slowly creeping towards his zipper. "But I'm not sexually-challenged..."
"It's alright," whispered Nicole, pushing Lucinda's hand away. "We know you're not, so you may continue."
"Yes," said Lucinda, nodding vigorously and looking highly interested. "Please do."
Harry looked up at the two eager girls, uncertain for a moment, then sneered in a very Draco-like way and looked back to the staff table, where Snape was cooing, "Aw... Who's my widdle baby?" as he stroked Lucius's hair and led him away toward his rooms.
Dumbledore cleared his throat. "Okay... um... I guess I'll take Minerva to the Hospital Wing. Wingardium Leviosa!" He began levitating Professor McGonagall out of the Great Hall, then paused. "Uh... Poppy...?"
"Oh!" Madam Pomfrey stuffed as much treacle tart into her mouth as possible before jumping up and following Dumbledore out of the still-silent room.
As soon as they left, there was an immediate outbreak of muttering amongst the students.
Draco had stood up unsteadily, and after seating himself delicately, he asked, "So, what happened after I passed out?"
Nicole opened her mouth to respond but Harry shook his head hastily; Nicole ignored him and continued. "Professor McGonagall fell and broke her hip, and Sev and your dad are fucking in Sev's rooms as we speak."
"Oh, okay."
There was a pause as Harry, Lucinda, and Nicole looked at each other.
"Aren't you going to pass out again or something?" asked Lucinda.
"Nah. Passing out repeatedly is uncouth. Besides, I'm fine when we talk about them having sex; I just don't like to actually see them."
Nicole and Lucinda shrugged.
Harry, feeling the need for a bit of attention himself, asked warily, "Hey, how come no one's fawning over us now?"
"Everyone's gotten over the initial shock of seeing your gorgeous arses again after two whole months," replied Lucinda wisely.
"Oh, okay."
* * *
After three consecutive Potions lessons, wherein Professors Snape and Malfoy could not keep their hands off each other and had eventually winded up fucking under the teachers' desks while the students watched on in awe, the Headmaster was forced to call them up to his office.
Upon the frantic hammering of his door, Dumbledore took a deep, calming breath and called, "Come in, gentlemen, come in."
Snape rushed in, flushed and out of breath, as Lucius hurried in after him, giggling as he stumbled. Lucius chased Snape around the two chairs that Dumbledore had conjured up opposite his desk, his arms outstretched and fingers wiggling.
"Stop!" shrieked Snape.
"Not till I get to poke you back on your arse," replied Lucius, still giggling.
"But I didn't poke you on your arse!"
Lucius grinned, his eyes glinting mischievously. "I know you didn't, you poked me somewhere else..."
"Now, now, there is no need for any poking," said Dumbledore hastily. "Why don't the two of you have a seat?"
Lucius chose the chair on the right and sat down, pulling Snape onto his lap.
"Not a seat, as in singular! I meant for the two of you to..." He sighed. "Look, Severus, please just get off Lucius and take a seat in the other chair."
Snape complied, flinging himself into the chair on the left and throwing Lucius a look of the deepest longing.
"Thank you," said Dumbledore. "Now... would either of you like any lemon drops?"
"No."
"You sure?"
"Yes."
"Positive?"
"Yes."
"Alright then." Dumbledore turned to the two flies on the wall behind his desk. "And you two?"
Before either of the flies could reply...
"What the fuck?!" cried Draco's head from the fireplace.
Lucius and Snape both looked over and noticed for the first time that Draco's head was floating in the green flames within the fireplace.
"Son? What are you doing in there?"
"Listening in to what will probably be the most interesting meeting Dumbledore will have the pleasure of holding in his office all year," replied Draco snidely.
"Mmm, pleasure," repeated Snape, licking his lips slowly.
"Don't worry, I'll give you some pleasure tonight," said Lucius, winking suggestively.
It was obvious neither had heard any of the other words that had come out of Draco's mouth.
Suddenly, Harry's disheveled head appeared beside Draco's. He looked angry.
"I told you to wait for me, Draco!"
"I don't have to wait for you if I don't want to," retorted Draco.
There was a pause, then -
Draco squealed. "HEY! HARRY!!"
"Hey, don't tweak my son's bum!" chided Lucius, waggling his index finger at Harry accusingly.
"I can if I want to," returned Harry in an irritating tone similar to Draco's.
"Don't speak to my boyfriend like that," Snape huffed. "Or - "
"It's alright, Sev. I got it. I'll just deal with him later," said Draco.
Harry sniggered. "Oh, I hope so!"
Draco rolled his eyes. "Anyway, back to what I was saying - what the fuck?! What are the they doing here?!?!"
Harry looked around for what he was talking about, then finally spotted the two flies on the wall. "Oy! What are they doing here?!"
Snape and Lucius eventually realized that the two heads in the fire were staring, annoyed, at the pair of insects resting side by side on the wall behind Dumbledore's desk.
"Hey, how'd you know it was us?" squeaked Nicole, sounding crestfallen.
"Uh, duh!" Draco mimicked Lucinda's flippant phrase. "We know you two are unregistered Animagi, just like Rita Sk - "
He broke off as Harry knocked him on the head with his forehead. "Shh! You're not supposed to know about that, remember?"
"Oh yeah. Uh... Rita Sketovsky."
"Oh, Russian, is she?" inquired Dumbledore, a knowing twinkle in his eyes. Before waiting for a response, he seemed to snap back into focus. "Right. I have a date with Minerva at Madam Puddifoot's tonight - charming little place, isn't it? I must say, I've been there quite a few times in my lengthy life span - so... onto the matters that are at hand..."
"Yes, yes, please continue," snapped Snape. "We have some other business to tend to."
"As do I, Severus, as do I... Now, we are all gathered here today - "
"Psh, is this like some kind of wedding now?" muttered Lucinda.
"Will you just shut the hell up and let the Headmaster say what he has to say?" shouted Snape.
"Ooo, cranky, aren't you? It's alright, you'll be getting some pleasure soon enough, like Lucius has so graciously reminded you," said Lucinda, smirking.
Lucius growled, brandishing a fly swatter from within his robes and waving it threateningly at Lucinda. She cowered with fear, and Nicole, standing up for her dearest friend, zoomed right up to Lucius and stabbed him in the eye. Laughing, she returned to her spot on the wall.
Neither Snape nor Harry nor Draco could suppress their grins.
"That will do," said Dumbledore, smiling serenely. "Please, no more interruptions." He paused, and when no one objected, continued. "Severus, when you informed me the week before term started that Lucius would be assisting you in the instruction of Potions, I never imagined it would end up like this."
"Like what?" snarled Lucius.
"With the two of you constantly pawing at each other," supplied Harry helpfully.
"And sucking face," said Draco.
"And other things," added Nicole.
"Precisely," said Dumbledore, nodding. "And I've asked you numerous times, including the very first day, to take your recreational activities to a place where no one - well, students atleast - is disturbed or is able to view what you are engaging in."
"And your point is?" asked Lucius, sounding bored.
"My point is you haven't listened to a single one of my requests! You have been spotted manifesting such activities in thirty-seven instances! Thirty-seven, just in the past three weeks!"
"Thirty-seven?" whispered Draco, horrified, turning slowly to face Harry.
"It's okay, we fuck more than that," Harry whispered back reassuringly.
Lucius's eyes widened quite dramatically, but he pretended not to have heard of his son's illicit affairs with the saviour of the Wizarding world. "So what is it that you're saying, Headmaster? You wish for us to stop having sex?"
"Not stop," said Dumbledore. "But I don't want you to do it when you are in danger of being discovered."
"But we could be discovered anywhere! Someone could walk in at any moment, even if we do it in my own quarters," replied Snape stubbornly.
"That's why you use locking charms," said Lucinda sardonically.
Lucius raised his fly swatter once more and Lucinda immediately shut her mouth.
"No, no, she is quite correct, and I myself have advised you to do the same two weeks ago, with the twelfth owl I sent you." Dumbledore paused and waited for a cry of "Oh, yeah!" or some form of recognition, but when he recieved none, he sighed. "Since you are unable to abide by the rules, it seems as though I will have to dismiss the two of you."
"Okay," said Lucius amicably, standing and pulling Snape to his feet also.
"He means he is going to fire you, you retards," said Harry from the fire.
"Oh."
Silence. Then -
"Oh, well. That's okay."
"It is?"
"Yeah, we'll be able to fuck in peace now."
"Okay. Well, bye then." Dumbledore stood and held out his hand.
After Lucius and Snape took turns shaking Dumbledore's hand, they glanced once at each other before joining hands and bolting out of the room as fast as they could.
Dumbledore, Lucinda, and Nicole all went over to the window to watch as the two ex-Professors burst through the front doors after a minute or so and dashed, shouting gleefully, to the gates of Hogwarts. As soon as they passed through the gates, they Disapparated with twin CRACKS, and all that was left of the two lust-crazed adults were their faint squeals, drifting along on the gentle breeze.
"...Good riddance."
"I must say it is," replied Dumbledore, returning to his seat behind his desk. "Would anyone care for some crumpets and tea?"
"No, thanks. We'll just be heading off now," said Nicole.
"Bye, Professor!" said Lucinda, and the two friends flew out the open window and soared high into the sky before being struck by a random bolt of lightning. The two flies were burned to a crisp and spiraled to the ground, never to be heard from ever again.
Harry grinned maliciously. "Aw! Unfortunate, isn't it?"
Draco, instead of replying, said, "Actually, I'd like a crumpet. Do you think you could just... you know... throw one in here? But you better make sure nothing gets in my hair - I deep-conditioned it just this morning."
End