Fanfic - It's a Little Bit Funny (This Feeling Inside) - 4/6
Part Three
When morning arrives - or early afternoon, as seems to be the case - Bradley awakens to a splitting headache that pounds relentlessly against his skull. He groans, pulling the covers over his head, and allows his brain to think on what had happened the previous night, after he’d kissed Colin. He knows he’s in his own bed, but the details surrounding how he ended up here are still a bit hazy. Vaguely, Bradley recalls someone driving him home - Rupert, he thinks - but he’s quite sure Colin was there too.
Rolling to the side, Bradley tugs the comforter away from his face. On the nightstand, he finds a tall glass of water and a couple of paracetamols, which he gratefully ingests, though he knows he didn’t put them there in the first place. It isn’t until he places the cup back on the table that he notices the piece of paper underneath.
Pushing himself into a seated position, Bradley rubs the sleep from his eyes and grabs the note. A smile unconsciously slips onto his lips at the sight of Colin’s familiar scrawl.
Bradley,
You’re kind of a deadweight when you’re drunk and half asleep, in case you weren’t aware. Thankfully I still had your flat key. And Rupert’s assistance, because I don’t think the two of us would have made it on a bus or the Tube.
I’ve done you the favour of leaving a couple of paracetamols and some water for you, because I suspect you’ll need it come tomorrow. You’re welcome, by the way.
About last night… I know you had a lot to drink. Quite a lot, in fact, so if you want to pretend like nothing happened, no hard feelings or anything. I have an early flight back to Armagh tomorrow and you won’t be able to reach me for a couple of days (long story).
Anyway, Rupert’s giving me a funny look, so I should probably stop writing before he decides to make me walk back to the hotel. Feel better. We’ll talk soon.
Colin
Bradley blinks and reads the note one more time, just to be sure he understands exactly what it is that Colin has said. Obviously the first bit is self-explanatory, but it’s the third paragraph that throws Bradley for a loop. He sinks back into bed, the paper still clutched in his right hand.
There are only two real options here, he figures, after further contemplation. Either Colin thinks what they did last night was a mistake, and this is his way of gracefully backing out without insulting anyone, or he’s giving Bradley an out, a way to save face. Especially if he happens to believe that Bradley was behaving under the influence of alcohol, instead of under the influence of genuine feelings he has for Colin.
Admittedly, Bradley has done some insanely stupid things when he’s been drunk in the past, but never once has he snogged a mate, using tongues no less, unless he was genuinely interested in pursuing something. Contrary to what some might think about him, Bradley also isn’t into one night stands. His mum raised him to respect women - and, well, men by extension - and he’s never been able to forget that message.
So really, Colin’s left him with a choice to make. He can pretend that nothing ever happened between them, or he can acknowledge what transpired last night. It seems unlikely that Colin will reject Bradley, at this point, considering his reaction to Bradley’s advances, which makes the note more protective, perhaps on both of their ends. But there’s an enormity to this situation, and there are immensely significant consequences to his actions from the previous night that are only now just beginning to manifest in Bradley’s mind.
He realises that he has a great deal to sort through. But it can’t be done with this pounding headache. So, with a sigh, Bradley places the paper back on his night stand and shuffles back under the covers, hoping that things will seem clearer when he next wakes.
~*~
When Bradley wakes up for the second time that day, it is to the sound of his mobile ringing shrilly in his ear.
Fumbling wildly for the phone, Bradley manages to grasp hold of it on the fourth ring. “Hello?”
“Brad?”
Oh, God. There’s only one person on earth who has permission to call him ‘Brad’, despite years of vehement protesting on his part. “Steph. What a pleasure.”
A snort filters through the line. “Don’t sound too excited to hear from me. Can’t a sister call her little brother?”
“You’re barely five feet tall, and less than two years older than me. I’d hardly call me your ‘little brother’.”
“Yes, well, now you’re just arguing semantics.”
Bradley can’t help but smile. He kicks the covers off and slips out of bed, padding across the floor towards the kitchen to retrieve some more water. Thankfully the paracetamol seems to have worked on his headache, though his sister is another story altogether. “Yeah. Right. So, not that I’m not thrilled to hear from you, but why are you calling, exactly?”
“Ooh, someone’s moody. Did you have a rough night or something? Too much to drink? Or maybe you couldn’t find anyone to ring in the New Year with you?”
Rolling his eyes, Bradley tries not to let his voice betray anything. He learned long ago to never give Stephanie any fuel to use against him. “My night was fine, thanks. It was great, even, if you must know.”
“Great? Glad to hear it. So… give me the details.”
Bradley makes a face. “Ugh, I am not sharing details with you. Why would you even want them?”
“Ah,” she says, sounding triumphant, “but that implies that there are details in the first place. So, who did you snog?”
“No one you know,” he says. Which technically isn’t true. Stephanie met Colin once, when she visited the set last year, but she doesn’t need to know that.
“Was it someone you just met then?”
Wow, she’s nosy. Not that this comes as a surprise, but he doesn’t exactly want to get into this with his sister, of all people. “No, it’s someone I know. Very well, if you must know.”
“Is it serious?”
“Steph! It was one snog. Stop making it out to be something more.”
“But you want it to be.”
“Why would you think that?” he asks carefully, leaning back against the kitchen counter.
“I can hear it in your voice. Besides, I’m your sister, and I can just tell these things.”
“And you’re also mad.” He’s not entirely sure why he’s denying anything. Everything she’s saying is true. But it’s complicated, so much more complicated than some bloke he met at a bar, or through his mates, and he needs to think through this more before owning up to anything.
“Yes, well, you keep telling yourself that. But I say you go for it, if you fancy this person. Just make sure it’s not someone you work with.”
Bradley’s blood runs cold at the words. “Why would you say that?” he asks.
“Because it rarely works out. I dated a co-worker once and it was great while it lasted. But then things became incredibly awkward after we broke up and I had to see him every single day. It hurt. I have yet to hear about a successful office romance.”
“But surely they can’t all fail?”
“Of course not. But the chances of it going well are slim.”
It feels like a kick to the gut, not because he isn’t already aware of this information, but because he is. And as much as Bradley would love to dismiss his sister’s claims as nothing more than biased drivel, he knows that she also might have a point.
“Yes, well, it’s not someone from work,” he lies. “But enough about me. How was your New Year’s Eve?”
Nearly ten minutes later, and several attempts at refocusing her attention - though admittedly Bradley is having a bit of a hard time concentrating himself - he finally manages to get her back to the original purpose of her call.
“Mum’s birthday is coming up next month, as you know, and I wanted to do something special for her. Throw a party. You can even bring your new flame.” Bradley groans, but it doesn’t stop her. “Anyway, are you in?”
“Yeah, of course. You know I’d do anything for Mum.”
“Great! I’ll be in touch. Later, Brad.”
Bradley sighs and walks over to the table, sinking into a chair, heart heavy and mind full of a million conflicting thoughts.
~*~
For the next two days, Bradley tries to sort out what the right decision is in regards to Colin. Usually he’s not one for such deep contemplation - either he wants something and acts on it, or acknowledges that it clearly isn’t appropriate and moves on. This, unfortunately, just happens to be one of those rare situations that doesn’t fit nicely into either category.
Sure, he wants to be with Colin more than anything right now. That fact isn’t up for debate. And maybe he’s jumping the gun here, but he suspects that a relationship with Colin could be absolutely incredible, especially since they’ve already learned to read and adjust to one another so well. But if they get involved and for some reason things don’t last until the end of the series, the atmosphere on set will go from fun and supportive to awkward and, well, not fun. And no doubt, Katie will find some way to make it out to be his fault, no matter what happens. Plus, it has the ability to jeopardise Merlin, and that’s an awfully huge risk to take, even if he sort of thinks Colin’s worth it anyway.
In the end, Bradley concludes that he doesn’t have the right to make this decision independently of Colin, because it concerns both of their lives. So he resolves to wait until they’re able to sit down and discuss everything in person.
When they finally connect again a day later, Colin starts has an announcement.
“I was offered a small role in a dark, independent Irish film, which was why I needed to fly home so quickly,” he says.
“That’s great! Congratulations, Col,” Bradley says, and he can’t help but feel pride welling up in his chest.
There is a pause, and then, “Actually, erm, well... I haven’t exactly said yes yet.”
Bradley snorts. “What’s holding you back?”
The silence that follows is telling. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out why Colin might be hesitating, and something warm unfurls in his stomach at the implication. Of course, they both know he’s going to take the role regardless, but Bradley suspects that maybe Colin would feel better about it if he knew Bradley supported him in this.
“Don’t be absurd,” Bradley says. As much as he’s anxious to speak with Colin, to see him again even though it’s only been a few days, there is no way he would ever permit him to give up such an amazing opportunity. Even if it means that Colin will be tied up until the end of February. “You’d be a fool to pass up something like this.”
The beaming grin can be felt through the phone line. “Of course. Thanks Bradley.”
Unsurprisingly, they never quite get around to discussing the events of New Year’s Eve that day.
~*~
January passes by uneventfully, and then his mum’s birthday arrives at the beginning of February. He never intends on bringing Colin, even if he would have been available, but he can’t help but feel a bit lonely anyway. Stephanie takes the opportunity to hound him further on the subject of his mystery love interest while he continues to deny any knowledge of what she’s blathering on about. It isn’t until his mum seems to catch wind of their ongoing argument that he finally puts his foot down and refuses to discuss the matter further.
He talks to Colin at least once a week, though it’s usually for a limited period of time. Colin sounds like he’s running himself ragged, which comes as no surprise to Bradley whatsoever, but it’s clear that he’s having a great time filming this movie, and as much as he aches to sit down and talk to Colin right now, Bradley is glad he encouraged Colin to take the role.
“I’m done in two days, can you believe it?” Colin asks one evening, towards the end of February.
Bradley can. Time hasn’t exactly flown by in the same way it has for Colin, but he’s managed to keep himself busy with a few smaller projects - two audio commercials, a chat show interview and a charity event.
“I know. It’s hard to imagine that we’ll be back to filming again so soon.”
Truth be told, Bradley can’t wait. Not only to see Colin again, but also to get back to work. It’s been far too long.
~*~
The first thing Bradley does, before they even do the initial read-through of episodes one to three of series four, is meet with Johnny.
“You don't need to put Colin in my scenes with Angel any longer,” he says, feeling quite stupid for even needing to have this conversation in the first place, but he can't go into the next filming block without clearing the air first. “I'll be fine. It'll be great.”
He doesn't actually know if that's true or not. Especially given the fact that he wants Colin now more than ever, and the minor detail that he's also aware of his feelings, where he wasn't before. But maybe that will work to Bradley's advantage, if he can learn to control it now.
Johnny folds his arms and smiles, leaning back in his chair. “I hadn't intended to, so you have nothing to worry about.”
Maybe he’s over-reacting, but he's not one hundred percent certain he actually believes Johnny. Still, he's said what he needed to say, and at this point, all he can really do is trust that Johnny will keep his word. Besides, it won't be that difficult to figure out, if Colin starts randomly showing up on set again when he has no reason to be there otherwise. The one fear he has, though - and has had since he first found out what Johnny was doing - is of others figuring out what Johnny is trying to do, should he keep up with this plan. It would be nothing short of embarrassing for Bradley, but somehow he suspects Colin would be even more mortified than him about the whole thing.
“All right, excellent. That's great, thank you,” he says.
~*~
A nervous ball of energy twists in Bradley’s gut while he waits in the conference room for the arrival of his fellow cast mates. He would be lying if he claimed he wasn’t slightly more excited to see one specific person in general, even though he adores practically everyone on set. But then, if he’s honest with himself, this has probably been true for the last two series as well.
He can’t help but feel a sense of uncertainty as to what’s going to happen when they see each other again. The last time they were physically together, Colin was holding his hand, and Bradley was drunk, which ended up leading to one hell of a snog. But that was just over two months ago, and they weren’t surrounded by their co-workers and friends at the time. Who knows what will happen today?
Besides, there is no guarantee that Colin is still in the same place as Bradley about everything - and no concrete evidence that he ever truly was. (Of course, the whole ‘snogging him with tongues when Colin was clearly sober’ thing might argue to the contrary.)
Fortunately, he doesn’t have to wait long to find out the answer, as everyone taking part in the read-through that day somehow manages to arrive at the exact same time. Hugs and laughter and excited chattering fill the room as everyone greets one another. It feels like a family reunion.
Entirely by coincidence - or fate, perhaps it’s fate, Bradley thinks - Colin is the last one to make his way over to Bradley. For several seconds, neither says anything, but Bradley can feel the pounding of his heart, hear the way his own breath quickens just slightly in anticipation, and he shoves both hands into the pockets of his hoodie, fisting the material on the inside.
Colin is the one who speaks first. “Bradley. It’s good to see you again.”
His smile shifts, a little less wide but certainly no less fond. In fact, it feels more intimate and private. Bradley’s seen this smile directed his way before, but it’s only now that he wonders if perhaps it’s a smile that is meant for him alone, ridiculous as the idea might be. It makes his insides feel warm and squishy, and he likes the thought enough to continue to entertain it, regardless of its truth.
“You too, Col,” he says, and pulls Colin in for a hug.
It doesn’t last long, but there is no mistaking the way Colin squeezes him extra tight, and Bradley has to keep reminding himself that they are in public, that there are a room full of witnesses, and it’s enough to keep him in line. At least for now.
~*~
The first few days back at work are as hectic and stressful as ever. It's always a difficult transition to return to working twelve plus hour days and getting up at the crack of dawn for most of them.
Everyone spends the first couple of days filming during daylight hours, running lines and eating dinner together in the evenings (if they’re able), and retiring to bed as early as possible. So, Bradley supposes it’s not that surprising that he doesn’t actually notice Colin hasn’t been heading back to his hotel in the evenings like everyone else.
“Where are you going?” Bradley asks with raised eyebrows after dinner on the third evening. They’ve just finished eating and are heading back to the hotel in Cardiff. Except for Colin, who starts walking in the opposite direction instead.
Colin squints at Bradley in confusion, the light from the street lamp giving him an almost ethereal glow. “To my flat.”
“What do you mean ‘to your flat’? Since when do you have a flat?” Bradley folds his arms, trying to hide the surprise - and ultimately, the disappointment of realising they won’t be next to each other in the hotel any longer.
“Since the beginning of March. I just wasn’t able to move in until a few days ago. I told you about it, Bradley.”
“I don’t remember that.”
Colin eyes him as though he’s not sure if Bradley’s even being honest with him. He wishes this was all a ruse, but unfortunately it’s quite legitimate. “On our first day of filming?”
“You were there, Bradley,” Angel pipes in. “We all were. It was just after we finished eating that questionable dinner we’d ordered in from room service.”
Oh. Bradley vaguely remembers the conversation now. Or, more accurately, he remembers that they’d had a conversation, though he knows he couldn’t ever hope to recall the details. It’s possible that he might’ve been entranced by Colin’s plush pink lips - which is a terribly hard distraction to resist; he’s only human, after all - and instead of listening, merely began imagining the things those lips could do. It’s not as if he’s proud of himself for it, and it’d been a gruelling day of filming. Plus, he was still adjusting to having been Colin-less for the past two months. Though this doesn’t exactly answer his newly arisen question of why Colin decided to get himself a flat in the first place, and Bradley makes a mental note to find out at some point in the near future.
Of course, even Bradley realises that this is information best kept to himself, so he lies and says, “Oh yeah, right. I remember now. Must have slipped my mind. It’s been so busy these past few days, sometimes it’s impossible to keep track of myself, never mind everyone else.”
Katie’s eyebrows shoot up on her forehead, but thankfully she keeps silent, while Angel smiles and nods.
Colin shuffles a bit awkwardly from one foot to the other then, as if he knows he should leave but clearly doesn’t want to. After a few seconds, though, he seems to make up his mind. “Well, I should be going. Early start tomorrow. Good night, everyone,” he says, smiling at them all, though his gaze rests the longest on Bradley. And then with a wave, he’s off in the opposite direction.
As Bradley and the others walk back to the hotel, he feels a strange, longing urge to turn back and join Colin instead, and he concludes that he desperately needs to talk to Colin about everything as soon as humanly possible.
~*~
The following day, fairly early on in the afternoon when there is a slight lull in filming, Bradley manages to grab Colin and drag him away from everyone else for a few moments.
“Um, so I was wondering,” Bradley starts, and dear God how is it possible that he sounds this much like a girl already? “I was thinking that we should hang out the next time we both have a day off. Maybe continue with our X-Files marathon? Or plan another prank on the girls. And talk. About, uh… stuff. And, um, us. Yeah. If you want to, that is.” He cards a hand through his hair and shoots Colin his most charming, if not slightly abashed, smile, pretending all the while as if his cheeks aren’t just a bit warmer than they were a few minutes prior.
There is nothing but silence for several seconds as Bradley forces himself to continue breathing normally. But then Colin is grinning shyly at him, and his nervousness melts away once more. “All right. That sounds great, Bradley. Let’s do it as soon as we can, yeah?”
Unfortunately the next time they both have a day off at the same time isn’t for almost two weeks, because there are a large number of scenes they need to film together, in addition to their other independent scenes. Still, they’ve waited this long already. Two more weeks should be a piece of cake in comparison.
~*~
Two weeks, as it turns out, might actually be enough time for everything to go to hell.
It is lunch time on Friday and Bradley's day already isn't going that well. He's spent the morning filming a particularly draining emotional scene; usually he's able to pick himself up after without much difficulty, but then usually he has Colin around to help, and since he has the day off - the lucky bugger - Bradley feels a bit out of sorts.
He's drifting casually through the lunch line, not particularly excited by any of today's meal choices, when he hears the sound of giggling girls at his back. Tossing a glance over his shoulder, he notes Katie and Angel are sitting at a table off to the side and is suddenly glad of their presence. Sometimes their brand of inane, girlish chatter drives Bradley mad, but he has to admit that they can also be quite amusing at times, which is precisely what he needs right about now.
“They’re going on a date? Really?” he hears Katie say, her voice uncharacteristically quiet, as he walks up to their table.
He takes a seat, playfully shoving her out of the way while Angel smirks at them. Katie smacks him on the arm, but slides over anyway. “So, who’s going on a date?” he asks. It’s not that he particularly cares, but if a distraction is what he’s looking for, then obtaining set gossip from Katie and Angel is the perfect plan.
“Uh, no one,” she says, a little too hastily. “It’s not really all that interesting.”
“It isn’t that big of a deal, Katie,” Angel cuts in, shrugging casually. “I wasn’t sworn to secrecy, and I’m sure it’s fine if Bradley knows.”
“Yeah, but I doubt he’ll care.”
Angel narrows her eyes suspiciously at Katie, as if she’s trying to figure out what Katie’s angle is, but has no idea what it could be. Which automatically implies that there’s something more to this conversation that Katie obviously doesn’t want him knowing about.
If she’s trying to hide something from Bradley for whatever reason, she isn’t doing a very good job of it. “Well, now you have me curious. Who are you talking about?”
From his peripheral vision, he sees Katie tilt her head quickly, and Angel is still eyeing her curiously when she says, “Colin’s going on a date with my friend Lila. The girl I introduced him to at my New Year’s Eve party.”
Bradley swallows, then nods slowly as he takes in this information. He’s not jumping to any conclusions just yet. In fact, he refuses to. There’s probably just been some misunderstanding somewhere along the line.
“I’m sure they’re just going for a cuppa,” Katie says, and actually pats Bradley’s arm. He stares at her.
Angel blinks, and it’s almost as if they’re carrying on the conversation without any conscious awareness of Bradley’s presence. “Well, they’re going for dinner. That sounds like a date to me.”
Shrugging, Katie shakes her head. “Not necessarily.”
Bradley wants to point out that he agrees with her - and isn’t this a momentous occasion, when Bradley actually agrees with something that Katie’s said? - but he decides to keep his mouth shut and just listen.
“I know they’ve kept in touch since the party-” Angel is saying, and this is news to Bradley. He had no idea that Colin was still in contact with her. Not that it’s any of his business who Colin talks to, nor would he ever try and make it out to be, but he assumes Colin still would’ve mentioned something about that in the past two months. “Everything points to a date.”
Bradley still isn’t jumping to conclusions, because that’s not what he does. He’s just a little put off by all this information.
Unrelatedly, he’s also sort of lost his appetite.
“I should get going. Have a scene to prepare for,” Bradley says, scratching a bit awkwardly at the back of his neck before standing and taking his still full tray with him. “Thanks for letting me sit with you.”
Neither girl says a word as he walks away, but nonetheless, Bradley still can’t help but overhear Katie’s strained “Angel!” a few moments later.
~*~
That evening, as Bradley’s sitting on the hotel sofa watching Buffy episodes in an attempt to distract himself - honestly, how can anyone be upset while watching ’Once More, With Feeling’? - he is tempted to give Colin a ring, find out what he’s doing, even though he already knows.
Unconsciously, he finds himself wondering what’s going on, if they’re talking quietly over an intimate dinner, holding hands, Colin smiling brightly with those crinkles he gets in the corner of his eyes. Maybe he’s inviting her back to his flat after, because no one would know about it, and-
Bradley shakes his head of these thoughts and cranks up the volume.
~*~
Needless to say, he doesn’t sleep all that well, which makes for a quiet ride in the van the following morning. Usually the girls barely manage to keep their heads upright, while Bradley and Colin sing and joke around and are just generally energetic arses the entire time, but Colin doesn’t need to be on set until noon that day, and he has his own flat now, so he isn’t with them anyway.
Which is fine. Bradley hasn’t exactly figured out what he wants to say to Colin when he sees him, so in that respect, he can rest easy. So instead of trying to engage Katie and Angel in conversation, he merely pulls up the hood on his jumper, closes his eyes, and rests his head against the window.
At some point, they must assume he’s fallen asleep, because they start talking in hushed whispers in the back seat as if he can’t hear what they’re saying.
“Did you find out what happened last night with Colin and Lila?” Katie asks.
There is a brief pause, and then, “She didn’t give me many details, but she said their dinner went well.”
“So it was a date then?”
“Well, she didn’t say it was,” Angel admits, and Bradley has to force himself to keep his breathing even and slow, so as to not arouse their suspicions that he’s still awake and actually listening. “But she did say she finally got something she’s wanted for quite some time.”
“Which was?”
Bradley holds his breath, heart racing wildly in his chest.
“A kiss from Colin,” Angel says, and if he’s not mistaken, she almost sounds guilty.
Katie curses softly, and Bradley suddenly feels ill. How is it even possible that this is happening when everything seemed to make so much sense a couple of days ago? Tugging the hood further down his face, Bradley tries to pretend that this changes absolutely nothing, even though he knows that couldn’t be further from the truth.
~*~
Filming is fine throughout the morning - he’s primarily working with Eoin and Angel and is able to throw himself into the role - but everything changes when the afternoon rolls around and Colin arrives on set. They’ve recently begun filming the magic reveal, something both of them have been wanting since the beginning of series two, but it’s difficult for Bradley to be excited about any of it when he feels like everything is crumbling at his feet and he’s helpless to do anything to prevent it from happening.
“You have magic,” Arthur says, sword falling from his hand.
“Arthur, I… I’m sorry. I wanted to tell you, but I couldn’t. I had no choice,” Merlin says, his face twisted with guilt and regret.
“You lied to me, Merlin, for four years. You’re a sorcerer, and you never told me.” His voice is low, gruff, the betrayal written clearly across his features.
Merlin’s mouth opens and shuts several times in succession, as if he wants to say something but doesn’t know what. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. I only ever wanted to protect you.”
“Get out of here,” Arthur demands, pointing in the opposite direction.
“Arthur-” Merlin protests softly. But Arthur can’t do this right now.
The director yells “cut”, and Bradley immediately backs away from Colin, because this all feels too real, is hitting too close to home for him.
He is stopped by a hand to his arm, and he has to force himself to meet Colin’s imploring gaze.
“Bradley, are you all right?” Colin asks, but the concern in his voice only serves to anger Bradley instead.
“Yeah, I’m fine,” he says curtly. “I just didn’t sleep well.”
And before Colin can say anything else, Bradley turns and walks away, trying and failing to ignore the dull ache sitting heavily in his chest.
~*~
That evening Katie and Colin are working late, which saves Bradley from having to engage in any sort of social interactions. It fills him with a sense of relief, because he doesn’t think he has the mental energy to fake it tonight. Instead, he orders room service, grabs a beer, and permits himself a night - just one - to wallow in self-pity.
Collapsing onto the sofa with a beer in hand, Bradley wonders when the hell everything went to shit. It doesn’t make any sense whatsoever, if he looks back on everything that has occurred in the past few months. He’s invested a great deal of time sorting through everything, and had been certain that he knew what was going on. Unless… unless there is an alternate way of interpreting everything, and suddenly, unexpectedly, a whole new picture forms in Bradley’s brain.
What if Colin had merely kissed him out of a sense of tradition, going with the flow of what’s expected on New Year’s Eve instead of because he truly wanted to? Not to hurt him, of course - because Bradley knows Colin wouldn’t ever do something like that to him - but just in the spirit of fun and celebrating. It was clear at the time - or at least it seems clear in Bradley’s memory - that Colin hadn’t exactly been repulsed by the idea of snogging Bradley either. The note, then, that Bradley found the next morning could very well have been the product of Colin trying to ensure this wouldn’t change their friendship, once the potential implications of his actions sunk in. It would also explain why he never brought anything up about that night, even once filming had started again. There’s nothing to talk about when it was just a friendly snog between mates, after all.
Angel’s already confirmed that Colin and Lila stayed in touch over the past couple of months, so it’s not unfathomable that he might have developed feelings for her in that time, even if they didn’t initially connect in that way. Clearly, she’s finally come to her senses and realised how incredible Colin is, and since Colin likely isn’t interested in him anyway, why wouldn’t he give her a chance? There is, of course, the matter of their “date” to discuss their relationship, and why Colin agreed to it if he has feelings for someone else. But then, perhaps he genuinely never even realised what Bradley meant in the first place and assumed they were just going to hang out like they always did.
To make matters worse, Colin’s been acting as if nothing has happened, as if nothing’s changed. But Bradley catches Colin watching him, looking at him like he’s worried, and there is definitely no sense of responsibility in his eyes when he does, which means that he doesn’t believe he’s done anything wrong. And he’s not the kind of bloke to mess around like that, so Bradley is forced to conclude that his earlier theorys holds even more weight, in light of the facts.
He flops back on the sofa with a frustrated groan, throwing an arm over his eyes. He is not going to cry over this. This is stupid and ridiculous, and nothing’s even happened to warrant such a reaction anyway. Bradley’s tough. This is just a harmless crush that he will find a way to overcome (except that it’s more than a crush, so much more, and he damn well knows it). He is not going to do this tonight, as much as he might like to, and that’s final.
Except for the minor fact that his body is putting up one hell of a fight, and this is the first time in as long as Bradley can remember that even Buffy can’t cheer him up.
~*~
Somehow, things don’t feel quite as awful the next morning, though it’s possible there are other factors interfering with his misery. Mostly that he doesn’t have to wake at the crack of dawn, and that his mum and sister are coming down to visit for a couple of days.
Unfortunately the whole purpose of them coming to visit is to watch Bradley film, which only adds another layer of anxiety to his already fragile state. The last time his mum had visited the set, he’d been incredibly nervous, and that was when he wasn’t a complete mess. He can only imagine how things might turn out today.
As it turns out, they’re still filming various scenes from the magic reveal and subsequent fall-out between Merlin and Arthur, and today happens to contain another one of those vitally important, charged scenes between them.
There are no difficulties during the first half of the scene, but towards the end, it begins to fall apart at the seams, and after the seventh terrible shot, the director stops filming to check in on him, as if things weren’t already bad enough as it was.
“Everything all right, Bradley?”
He nods, avoiding eye contact with virtually everyone around him. “Yeah. Yeah, I’m okay. Let’s go again.”
“You sure?”
And all he can do is nod in response, while inwardly scolding himself for being so unprofessional.
“All right, then. From Colin’s line at the start of page thirty-two.”
Bradley hops in place three times, forcing himself to enter Arthur’s world and leave his own for a while. This is Arthur’s pain, Arthur’s hurt, Arthur’s betrayal, not his own. If he can just remember that, he thinks he just might be able to get through this.
“Look, Arthur, I know I’m just your servant, but you have to understand the position I was in.”
“You’re not-” Arthur swallows, and sucks in a shaky breath. How does he even begin to explain what this all means to him? “You’re not just my servant, Merlin. You know that.”
Arthur is crowding Merlin’s space now, one hand planted on the wall behind his head, shaking with frustration and hurt and something indefinable but distinctly there all the same. Merlin bites his lip, and stares at Arthur with sad blue eyes, brimming with unshed tears, and the sight makes his breath catch in his throat.
“You were my friend.”
Merlin’s fingers curl around his wrist like a whisper, the warmth of his touch like fire to Arthur’s skin. “I still am,” he says, voice barely audible over the thrumming of his heartbeat.
Arthur closes his eyes as he struggles to keep his emotions at bay. “But you betrayed me, and I don’t know how to deal with that. How can I trust you, when you’ve been lying to me for so long?”
“I never meant to hurt you,” Merlin says, voice breaking, and Arthur knows - somewhere deep down he knows - but that doesn’t make the betrayal any easier to bear.
They stand, staring at one another with such intensity that Bradley almost doesn’t hear the familiar “cut” he usually anticipates.
“Take five,” the director calls out then, and Bradley’s itching to run away so badly, but he knows he can’t. His eyes drift shut briefly, and he squeezes the bridge of his nose, already sensing the first signs of a wretched headache coming on.
When his eyes open once more, Colin is staring at him, and Bradley just knows he’s going to say something in that concerned and gentle manner that’s become one of the things Bradley simultaneously adores and loathes about him, but thankfully he is saved by his sister.
“I need to talk to you,” she says, grabbing onto his arm and pulling him in the opposite direction.
She drags him well across the set, nails digging painfully into his wrist until he finally wrenches free from her grasp and they stop.
“Ow, Steph! Was that necessary?”
As has been the case for nearly his entire life, she ignores the comment. “Oh, my God, Bradley, why didn’t you tell me it was Colin?”
Bradley’s hands fly of their own accord to Stephanie’s face as he attempts to cover her mouth. “Would you keep your bloody voice down?” he hisses. “Unless you want every person in a ten mile radius to hear you.”
“Sorry. I’m sorry,” she says, lowering her voice and grabbing onto his arm again. “But I was just surprised and excited. I had no idea it was Colin.”
“No idea what was Colin?”
“The person you fancy.”
Bradley blinks and tries to pretend they are not having this conversation. “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
“Oh, please. You two looked like you were about five seconds away from snogging each other’s brains out. I’m not blind, Brad. I have eyes.” She folds her arms across her chest, staring at him with a challenging expression on her face, as if daring him to deny it.
At that moment, Bradley decides it’s official: his life can’t possibly get any more miserable. For a few seconds he contemplates denying the claim anyway, but in the end he knows there is no point. She will hound him until he finally confesses anyway, so he might as well just come out with it and save them both the trouble.
“It’s that obvious?”
“I hate to admit it, but yeah. Though I am quite skilled at picking up on these things.”
If that’s supposed to somehow make him feel better, it fails. Quite spectacularly. He scrubs a hand down his face, heaving a melancholy sigh in the process.
Thankfully, she gives him a moment before asking, “So, uh, are you two like a couple now, or what?”
“No. No, Steph. Just, no. We’re not.” It feels as though someone is rubbing salt into his wounds, still all too fresh, and he’s a little surprised at the emotion that seeps into the words. What he wouldn’t give for this conversation to end right this very second.
“How come? Is it because-Oh, shit.” Stephanie’s eyes widen as realisation dawns on her. “Is it because I told you that you shouldn’t get involved with someone you work with? Because, yeah, it’s not always the best idea. But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t necessarily give it a chance either, yeah?”
Bradley shakes his head and runs a hand through his hair, belatedly remembering that make-up will pitch a fit if he messes it up. “It’s complicated.”
“Complicated how?”
That feels like a terribly unfair question. How can he explain things without really coming right out with it? “Complicated in that I don’t want to talk about it. Something happened, and, uh, yeah. I don’t think he’s interested in me, and I don’t want to risk ruining our friendship.”
“You don’t think he’s interested, or you know he’s not?”
The question leaves him with a sour taste in his mouth and he scrunches his nose up in annoyance. “Well, I don’t know with one hundred percent certainty, but I’m quite positive he doesn’t.”
“I take it you haven’t actually chatted with him about any of this then?” she asks, as if it is the most logical thing in the world, and Bradley wonders if maybe it is.
“Chatted?” he parrots.
“Yeah. Like what you and I are doing right now. I know it’s such a foreign concept, but surely you’ve heard of it before?”
Bradley makes a face. She can see he’s clearly stressed out about this, so how does she react? By poking fun at him, naturally. The joys of having a sister, Bradley muses wryly to himself. “Of course I know what having a conversation is. We do it all the time.”
“Just not about anything important, I guess?”
He decides not to respond to that one.
“So, let me just clarify what you’re telling me, then,” Stephanie continues, when it’s apparent he’s not going to comment. “You two snogged on New Year’s Eve, you haven’t talked about it since, something mysterious happened, and now - without bothering to check in with him at all - you’ve decided that he’s not interested and instead you’re going to pine from afar like a lovesick sod?”
“I-” Bradley starts, but he doesn’t know where to go with this, because fuck, she’s painfully right, so he clamps his mouth shut instead, casting his eyes to the ground in embarrassment.
“That’s what I thought,” Stephanie says. She pats his arm gently, and the action is surprisingly soothing on his frayed nerves. “You both are such blokes. It’s your life, so do what you want, but seriously, I think it would do you a world of good to just talk to him. Try and clarify whatever it is that has you convinced he’s not interested in you. Because much as I don’t really want to think about you kissing anyone, you both looked more than ready and willing, from what I saw.”
But before Bradley has a chance to respond, the director is calling them back to their places, and he’s suddenly grateful for it. Still, he can’t help but admit that she’s given him some very important things to consider.
~*~
The next day, they decide to do the whole tourist thing, even though Bradley doesn’t particularly consider himself a tourist any more. His mum provides him with an update on every single member of their extended family - much to Bradley's chagrin - and Steph even has mercy on him and lays off on the talk about Colin, attempting to distract him instead.
Halfway through the day he receives a text message from Beth, of all people: hey! gonna b in bristol tomorrow 4 a week visiting a friend. i'm close, if u wanna have dinner. let me know.
It seems like an odd twist of fate, but he's not reading too much into it. He sends back a quick reply - good 2 know. i'll see how things go. have fun w/your friend! - before promptly forgetting about it.
Despite the pleasant day off, Bradley feels a rush of anxiety that night before going to bed, after seeing his mum and Stephanie off. He's managed to go for more than five minutes at a time without thinking about the situation with Colin a few times throughout the day, but that was only due to the thorough and constant distraction that was provided by Stephanie and his mum. But tomorrow he's back to work, filming scenes with Colin virtually all day long, and he has no idea how he's going to survive the day, stave off the hurt that grips his heart every time he lays eyes on him. Bradley knows that it will get easier in time, but right now... right now it's still so raw.
He does know that Stephanie is probably right in that he needs to talk to Colin. But he's a bloke, and blokes don't usually talk about their feelings. It's sort of the way it's always been. So the notion that seems so logical to his sister is actually quite foreign to him. The problem is that his evening with Colin is only two nights away, and he has to sort some of this out before then, unless he wants to end up looking and feeling like a complete and utter arse.
Lunch ends up being the first and potentially only time they have an opportunity to talk. And thankfully, Katie and Angel are nowhere to be seen, which will make the whole thing easier, despite the fact that there is nothing remotely easy about this. The one concern he has is about bringing up this situation in a natural way, because he knows that Colin will see right through him.
Thankfully, Colin inadvertently opens the door almost immediately after they sit down.
“So, how was your day off? Did you have a good visit with your mum and sister?” Colin asks as he digs into his salad.
Bradley nods. “Yeah, it was fine. Though it reminded me why I usually only spend time with them in small doses. Can't handle much more than that.”
“I know what you mean. Family can be a pain in the arse. But we only get one, so we have to learn how to deal with them somehow, yeah?” Colin says companionably. Either he hasn't noticed Bradley's tension all morning long or he's choosing not to comment on it, though Bradley suspects the latter to be true. Colin's been watching him with a careful eye for the past several days, hovering and occasionally asking questions like he knows something is up, but has no inkling as to what it could be. It would almost be sweet, in a way, if it didn't make everything that much more frustrating.
“Yeah. It's a lifelong process for some, I hear,” Bradley says, trying and failing to throw some humour into his tone. In spite of that, Colin smiles knowingly at him.
And it’s nothing really, just the simple upward pull of his lips, but Bradley’s heart flutters in his chest at the sight anyway, and he knows that he needs to get this conversation over and done with as soon as humanly possible.
Before he can talk himself out of it, Bradley forces the question from his mouth. “How about you? You had a good day off as well?”
Colin squints at him in confusion. “I was here yesterday.”
“I know,” Bradley says, and takes a deep, calming breath. Unsurprisingly, it does little to help with his frayed nerves. “But you were off a few days ago and we never talked about it. Did you do anything interesting?”
Shrugging, Colin swallows a bite of his salad before saying, “Not really. I had a nice lie in, went out for a walk and bought a few books.”
“What books did you buy?” It’s not so much that he cares as that he doesn’t want to jump too quickly into finding out about the date, or whatever it was, with Angel’s friend. Colin lists them all off, but Neil Gaiman is the only author he actually recognises.
“Did you do anything else?” Bradley presses in as nonchalant a manner as he can muster. So far this isn't going as well as he'd hoped.
“Had dinner with a friend.”
“Oh, yeah?” Bradley tries to sound casual, as if he had no idea and this is the first time he's ever heard this information.
Colin nods and stabs at his salad. “Yeah.”
“Is it a mate from drama school, or…?”
“No, just a good friend.”
Bradley holds back a frown, wondering how far to push this. He decided prior to having the actual conversation that he wasn’t going to come out and just ask Colin about the kiss with Lila, because it can only make him look mad, or worse - jealous. And if Colin doesn’t reciprocate his feelings, then he’s going to have a great deal of explaining to do. What he wants, what he truly desires, is for Colin to tell him about the kiss of his own volition. Because somehow, if he does that, Bradley feels like it will still be okay, even though there is nothing objective he’s basing this belief on.
“So you just went out for dinner then? Anything interesting happen?”
“While out for dinner?” Colin stares at Bradley, a bit perplexed, assessing. “Not really. We just ate and talked.”
“What did you talk about?”
“Our lives.” Colin’s expression clouds over. “Bradley, what’s with all the questions? Why are you so interested in this?”
Bradley folds his arms and glares down at his lunch. “I’m not. It’s nothing. I just-”
“What?”
He sucks in a breath. “Is there anything you wanted to tell me?”
Colin’s eyebrows shoot up his forehead in an alarmingly accurate imitation of Gaius, clearly confused. “Such as…?”
And there is his answer. It’s clear that Colin isn’t going to budge on this without Bradley flat out asking him about Lila. There’s probably an implication buried somewhere in this information, but he’s too upset to sort through any of it at the moment.
“Nothing. Never mind, it’s okay. I was just wondering,” Bradley says, and cringes at the way his voice wavers just slightly.
“Bradley-”
“It’s nothing, Colin. Don’t worry about it,” Bradley tries to assure him, even though he feels like he’s been punched in the gut.
They finish their meal in relative silence, and while it’s obvious that Colin wants to say something, Bradley is grateful that he remains quiet, because he doesn’t want to break down right now, here at work.
~*~
Bradley manages to stumble through the rest of the day and the following morning in a haze. Somehow, he’s able to pull himself together with the reminder that he has a job to do and numerous people counting on him, and filming goes surprisingly well, all things considered.
Thankfully, the afternoon’s schedule involves Bradley and Colin filming separate scenes, and for the first time in the four years he’s been working on Merlin, Bradley’s grateful for it.
As soon as their last joint scene has been filmed, Bradley makes to sneak away and avoid lunch - he doesn’t have an appetite anyway - but Colin manages to catch him before he’s able to make his escape.
“I know you have to go,” Colin says, running a hand through his hair, “but I just wanted to make sure we’re still on for tonight?”
Bradley bites his lip. He certainly hadn’t forgotten, but he can’t help but wish that maybe Colin had. “Yeah. Yeah, we’re on. But I’ll probably be late.”
He has no idea why he says it. He doesn’t have any other plans, no reason why he shouldn’t be there on time, but there is a tiny part of him that wants to go down fighting, even if he’s the only one who knows that’s what he’s doing.
Colin’s face scrunches up. “Why?”
There is a pause, in which his brain considers the various options, but even he’s surprised at the words that leave his mouth. “Because I have a date.”
~*~
He doesn't have a date. Obviously he doesn't. The lie is ridiculous and absurd and he has no idea why he'd even say such a thing. It is a defensive, knee-jerk reaction and Bradley regrets the words the instant they leave his mouth. But the damage is already done, already out there, and he can't help but feel a twinge of guilt at the startled - and slightly hurt - expression that falls across Colin's features. No matter how shitty he feels, hurting Colin never once factored into the equation.
There is a part of him that wants to take it back, to admit that he was lying and that he doesn't have a date. But that will only open the floor to all kinds of questions that he's neither ready nor willing to answer.
Before Colin can say anything, Bradley mutters a few words under his breath that may have been something along the lines of, “I have to go” before hurrying past him and walking away as quickly as possible.
---------------
Continue to part five
When morning arrives - or early afternoon, as seems to be the case - Bradley awakens to a splitting headache that pounds relentlessly against his skull. He groans, pulling the covers over his head, and allows his brain to think on what had happened the previous night, after he’d kissed Colin. He knows he’s in his own bed, but the details surrounding how he ended up here are still a bit hazy. Vaguely, Bradley recalls someone driving him home - Rupert, he thinks - but he’s quite sure Colin was there too.
Rolling to the side, Bradley tugs the comforter away from his face. On the nightstand, he finds a tall glass of water and a couple of paracetamols, which he gratefully ingests, though he knows he didn’t put them there in the first place. It isn’t until he places the cup back on the table that he notices the piece of paper underneath.
Pushing himself into a seated position, Bradley rubs the sleep from his eyes and grabs the note. A smile unconsciously slips onto his lips at the sight of Colin’s familiar scrawl.
Bradley,
You’re kind of a deadweight when you’re drunk and half asleep, in case you weren’t aware. Thankfully I still had your flat key. And Rupert’s assistance, because I don’t think the two of us would have made it on a bus or the Tube.
I’ve done you the favour of leaving a couple of paracetamols and some water for you, because I suspect you’ll need it come tomorrow. You’re welcome, by the way.
About last night… I know you had a lot to drink. Quite a lot, in fact, so if you want to pretend like nothing happened, no hard feelings or anything. I have an early flight back to Armagh tomorrow and you won’t be able to reach me for a couple of days (long story).
Anyway, Rupert’s giving me a funny look, so I should probably stop writing before he decides to make me walk back to the hotel. Feel better. We’ll talk soon.
Colin
Bradley blinks and reads the note one more time, just to be sure he understands exactly what it is that Colin has said. Obviously the first bit is self-explanatory, but it’s the third paragraph that throws Bradley for a loop. He sinks back into bed, the paper still clutched in his right hand.
There are only two real options here, he figures, after further contemplation. Either Colin thinks what they did last night was a mistake, and this is his way of gracefully backing out without insulting anyone, or he’s giving Bradley an out, a way to save face. Especially if he happens to believe that Bradley was behaving under the influence of alcohol, instead of under the influence of genuine feelings he has for Colin.
Admittedly, Bradley has done some insanely stupid things when he’s been drunk in the past, but never once has he snogged a mate, using tongues no less, unless he was genuinely interested in pursuing something. Contrary to what some might think about him, Bradley also isn’t into one night stands. His mum raised him to respect women - and, well, men by extension - and he’s never been able to forget that message.
So really, Colin’s left him with a choice to make. He can pretend that nothing ever happened between them, or he can acknowledge what transpired last night. It seems unlikely that Colin will reject Bradley, at this point, considering his reaction to Bradley’s advances, which makes the note more protective, perhaps on both of their ends. But there’s an enormity to this situation, and there are immensely significant consequences to his actions from the previous night that are only now just beginning to manifest in Bradley’s mind.
He realises that he has a great deal to sort through. But it can’t be done with this pounding headache. So, with a sigh, Bradley places the paper back on his night stand and shuffles back under the covers, hoping that things will seem clearer when he next wakes.
~*~
When Bradley wakes up for the second time that day, it is to the sound of his mobile ringing shrilly in his ear.
Fumbling wildly for the phone, Bradley manages to grasp hold of it on the fourth ring. “Hello?”
“Brad?”
Oh, God. There’s only one person on earth who has permission to call him ‘Brad’, despite years of vehement protesting on his part. “Steph. What a pleasure.”
A snort filters through the line. “Don’t sound too excited to hear from me. Can’t a sister call her little brother?”
“You’re barely five feet tall, and less than two years older than me. I’d hardly call me your ‘little brother’.”
“Yes, well, now you’re just arguing semantics.”
Bradley can’t help but smile. He kicks the covers off and slips out of bed, padding across the floor towards the kitchen to retrieve some more water. Thankfully the paracetamol seems to have worked on his headache, though his sister is another story altogether. “Yeah. Right. So, not that I’m not thrilled to hear from you, but why are you calling, exactly?”
“Ooh, someone’s moody. Did you have a rough night or something? Too much to drink? Or maybe you couldn’t find anyone to ring in the New Year with you?”
Rolling his eyes, Bradley tries not to let his voice betray anything. He learned long ago to never give Stephanie any fuel to use against him. “My night was fine, thanks. It was great, even, if you must know.”
“Great? Glad to hear it. So… give me the details.”
Bradley makes a face. “Ugh, I am not sharing details with you. Why would you even want them?”
“Ah,” she says, sounding triumphant, “but that implies that there are details in the first place. So, who did you snog?”
“No one you know,” he says. Which technically isn’t true. Stephanie met Colin once, when she visited the set last year, but she doesn’t need to know that.
“Was it someone you just met then?”
Wow, she’s nosy. Not that this comes as a surprise, but he doesn’t exactly want to get into this with his sister, of all people. “No, it’s someone I know. Very well, if you must know.”
“Is it serious?”
“Steph! It was one snog. Stop making it out to be something more.”
“But you want it to be.”
“Why would you think that?” he asks carefully, leaning back against the kitchen counter.
“I can hear it in your voice. Besides, I’m your sister, and I can just tell these things.”
“And you’re also mad.” He’s not entirely sure why he’s denying anything. Everything she’s saying is true. But it’s complicated, so much more complicated than some bloke he met at a bar, or through his mates, and he needs to think through this more before owning up to anything.
“Yes, well, you keep telling yourself that. But I say you go for it, if you fancy this person. Just make sure it’s not someone you work with.”
Bradley’s blood runs cold at the words. “Why would you say that?” he asks.
“Because it rarely works out. I dated a co-worker once and it was great while it lasted. But then things became incredibly awkward after we broke up and I had to see him every single day. It hurt. I have yet to hear about a successful office romance.”
“But surely they can’t all fail?”
“Of course not. But the chances of it going well are slim.”
It feels like a kick to the gut, not because he isn’t already aware of this information, but because he is. And as much as Bradley would love to dismiss his sister’s claims as nothing more than biased drivel, he knows that she also might have a point.
“Yes, well, it’s not someone from work,” he lies. “But enough about me. How was your New Year’s Eve?”
Nearly ten minutes later, and several attempts at refocusing her attention - though admittedly Bradley is having a bit of a hard time concentrating himself - he finally manages to get her back to the original purpose of her call.
“Mum’s birthday is coming up next month, as you know, and I wanted to do something special for her. Throw a party. You can even bring your new flame.” Bradley groans, but it doesn’t stop her. “Anyway, are you in?”
“Yeah, of course. You know I’d do anything for Mum.”
“Great! I’ll be in touch. Later, Brad.”
Bradley sighs and walks over to the table, sinking into a chair, heart heavy and mind full of a million conflicting thoughts.
~*~
For the next two days, Bradley tries to sort out what the right decision is in regards to Colin. Usually he’s not one for such deep contemplation - either he wants something and acts on it, or acknowledges that it clearly isn’t appropriate and moves on. This, unfortunately, just happens to be one of those rare situations that doesn’t fit nicely into either category.
Sure, he wants to be with Colin more than anything right now. That fact isn’t up for debate. And maybe he’s jumping the gun here, but he suspects that a relationship with Colin could be absolutely incredible, especially since they’ve already learned to read and adjust to one another so well. But if they get involved and for some reason things don’t last until the end of the series, the atmosphere on set will go from fun and supportive to awkward and, well, not fun. And no doubt, Katie will find some way to make it out to be his fault, no matter what happens. Plus, it has the ability to jeopardise Merlin, and that’s an awfully huge risk to take, even if he sort of thinks Colin’s worth it anyway.
In the end, Bradley concludes that he doesn’t have the right to make this decision independently of Colin, because it concerns both of their lives. So he resolves to wait until they’re able to sit down and discuss everything in person.
When they finally connect again a day later, Colin starts has an announcement.
“I was offered a small role in a dark, independent Irish film, which was why I needed to fly home so quickly,” he says.
“That’s great! Congratulations, Col,” Bradley says, and he can’t help but feel pride welling up in his chest.
There is a pause, and then, “Actually, erm, well... I haven’t exactly said yes yet.”
Bradley snorts. “What’s holding you back?”
The silence that follows is telling. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out why Colin might be hesitating, and something warm unfurls in his stomach at the implication. Of course, they both know he’s going to take the role regardless, but Bradley suspects that maybe Colin would feel better about it if he knew Bradley supported him in this.
“Don’t be absurd,” Bradley says. As much as he’s anxious to speak with Colin, to see him again even though it’s only been a few days, there is no way he would ever permit him to give up such an amazing opportunity. Even if it means that Colin will be tied up until the end of February. “You’d be a fool to pass up something like this.”
The beaming grin can be felt through the phone line. “Of course. Thanks Bradley.”
Unsurprisingly, they never quite get around to discussing the events of New Year’s Eve that day.
~*~
January passes by uneventfully, and then his mum’s birthday arrives at the beginning of February. He never intends on bringing Colin, even if he would have been available, but he can’t help but feel a bit lonely anyway. Stephanie takes the opportunity to hound him further on the subject of his mystery love interest while he continues to deny any knowledge of what she’s blathering on about. It isn’t until his mum seems to catch wind of their ongoing argument that he finally puts his foot down and refuses to discuss the matter further.
He talks to Colin at least once a week, though it’s usually for a limited period of time. Colin sounds like he’s running himself ragged, which comes as no surprise to Bradley whatsoever, but it’s clear that he’s having a great time filming this movie, and as much as he aches to sit down and talk to Colin right now, Bradley is glad he encouraged Colin to take the role.
“I’m done in two days, can you believe it?” Colin asks one evening, towards the end of February.
Bradley can. Time hasn’t exactly flown by in the same way it has for Colin, but he’s managed to keep himself busy with a few smaller projects - two audio commercials, a chat show interview and a charity event.
“I know. It’s hard to imagine that we’ll be back to filming again so soon.”
Truth be told, Bradley can’t wait. Not only to see Colin again, but also to get back to work. It’s been far too long.
~*~
The first thing Bradley does, before they even do the initial read-through of episodes one to three of series four, is meet with Johnny.
“You don't need to put Colin in my scenes with Angel any longer,” he says, feeling quite stupid for even needing to have this conversation in the first place, but he can't go into the next filming block without clearing the air first. “I'll be fine. It'll be great.”
He doesn't actually know if that's true or not. Especially given the fact that he wants Colin now more than ever, and the minor detail that he's also aware of his feelings, where he wasn't before. But maybe that will work to Bradley's advantage, if he can learn to control it now.
Johnny folds his arms and smiles, leaning back in his chair. “I hadn't intended to, so you have nothing to worry about.”
Maybe he’s over-reacting, but he's not one hundred percent certain he actually believes Johnny. Still, he's said what he needed to say, and at this point, all he can really do is trust that Johnny will keep his word. Besides, it won't be that difficult to figure out, if Colin starts randomly showing up on set again when he has no reason to be there otherwise. The one fear he has, though - and has had since he first found out what Johnny was doing - is of others figuring out what Johnny is trying to do, should he keep up with this plan. It would be nothing short of embarrassing for Bradley, but somehow he suspects Colin would be even more mortified than him about the whole thing.
“All right, excellent. That's great, thank you,” he says.
~*~
A nervous ball of energy twists in Bradley’s gut while he waits in the conference room for the arrival of his fellow cast mates. He would be lying if he claimed he wasn’t slightly more excited to see one specific person in general, even though he adores practically everyone on set. But then, if he’s honest with himself, this has probably been true for the last two series as well.
He can’t help but feel a sense of uncertainty as to what’s going to happen when they see each other again. The last time they were physically together, Colin was holding his hand, and Bradley was drunk, which ended up leading to one hell of a snog. But that was just over two months ago, and they weren’t surrounded by their co-workers and friends at the time. Who knows what will happen today?
Besides, there is no guarantee that Colin is still in the same place as Bradley about everything - and no concrete evidence that he ever truly was. (Of course, the whole ‘snogging him with tongues when Colin was clearly sober’ thing might argue to the contrary.)
Fortunately, he doesn’t have to wait long to find out the answer, as everyone taking part in the read-through that day somehow manages to arrive at the exact same time. Hugs and laughter and excited chattering fill the room as everyone greets one another. It feels like a family reunion.
Entirely by coincidence - or fate, perhaps it’s fate, Bradley thinks - Colin is the last one to make his way over to Bradley. For several seconds, neither says anything, but Bradley can feel the pounding of his heart, hear the way his own breath quickens just slightly in anticipation, and he shoves both hands into the pockets of his hoodie, fisting the material on the inside.
Colin is the one who speaks first. “Bradley. It’s good to see you again.”
His smile shifts, a little less wide but certainly no less fond. In fact, it feels more intimate and private. Bradley’s seen this smile directed his way before, but it’s only now that he wonders if perhaps it’s a smile that is meant for him alone, ridiculous as the idea might be. It makes his insides feel warm and squishy, and he likes the thought enough to continue to entertain it, regardless of its truth.
“You too, Col,” he says, and pulls Colin in for a hug.
It doesn’t last long, but there is no mistaking the way Colin squeezes him extra tight, and Bradley has to keep reminding himself that they are in public, that there are a room full of witnesses, and it’s enough to keep him in line. At least for now.
~*~
The first few days back at work are as hectic and stressful as ever. It's always a difficult transition to return to working twelve plus hour days and getting up at the crack of dawn for most of them.
Everyone spends the first couple of days filming during daylight hours, running lines and eating dinner together in the evenings (if they’re able), and retiring to bed as early as possible. So, Bradley supposes it’s not that surprising that he doesn’t actually notice Colin hasn’t been heading back to his hotel in the evenings like everyone else.
“Where are you going?” Bradley asks with raised eyebrows after dinner on the third evening. They’ve just finished eating and are heading back to the hotel in Cardiff. Except for Colin, who starts walking in the opposite direction instead.
Colin squints at Bradley in confusion, the light from the street lamp giving him an almost ethereal glow. “To my flat.”
“What do you mean ‘to your flat’? Since when do you have a flat?” Bradley folds his arms, trying to hide the surprise - and ultimately, the disappointment of realising they won’t be next to each other in the hotel any longer.
“Since the beginning of March. I just wasn’t able to move in until a few days ago. I told you about it, Bradley.”
“I don’t remember that.”
Colin eyes him as though he’s not sure if Bradley’s even being honest with him. He wishes this was all a ruse, but unfortunately it’s quite legitimate. “On our first day of filming?”
“You were there, Bradley,” Angel pipes in. “We all were. It was just after we finished eating that questionable dinner we’d ordered in from room service.”
Oh. Bradley vaguely remembers the conversation now. Or, more accurately, he remembers that they’d had a conversation, though he knows he couldn’t ever hope to recall the details. It’s possible that he might’ve been entranced by Colin’s plush pink lips - which is a terribly hard distraction to resist; he’s only human, after all - and instead of listening, merely began imagining the things those lips could do. It’s not as if he’s proud of himself for it, and it’d been a gruelling day of filming. Plus, he was still adjusting to having been Colin-less for the past two months. Though this doesn’t exactly answer his newly arisen question of why Colin decided to get himself a flat in the first place, and Bradley makes a mental note to find out at some point in the near future.
Of course, even Bradley realises that this is information best kept to himself, so he lies and says, “Oh yeah, right. I remember now. Must have slipped my mind. It’s been so busy these past few days, sometimes it’s impossible to keep track of myself, never mind everyone else.”
Katie’s eyebrows shoot up on her forehead, but thankfully she keeps silent, while Angel smiles and nods.
Colin shuffles a bit awkwardly from one foot to the other then, as if he knows he should leave but clearly doesn’t want to. After a few seconds, though, he seems to make up his mind. “Well, I should be going. Early start tomorrow. Good night, everyone,” he says, smiling at them all, though his gaze rests the longest on Bradley. And then with a wave, he’s off in the opposite direction.
As Bradley and the others walk back to the hotel, he feels a strange, longing urge to turn back and join Colin instead, and he concludes that he desperately needs to talk to Colin about everything as soon as humanly possible.
~*~
The following day, fairly early on in the afternoon when there is a slight lull in filming, Bradley manages to grab Colin and drag him away from everyone else for a few moments.
“Um, so I was wondering,” Bradley starts, and dear God how is it possible that he sounds this much like a girl already? “I was thinking that we should hang out the next time we both have a day off. Maybe continue with our X-Files marathon? Or plan another prank on the girls. And talk. About, uh… stuff. And, um, us. Yeah. If you want to, that is.” He cards a hand through his hair and shoots Colin his most charming, if not slightly abashed, smile, pretending all the while as if his cheeks aren’t just a bit warmer than they were a few minutes prior.
There is nothing but silence for several seconds as Bradley forces himself to continue breathing normally. But then Colin is grinning shyly at him, and his nervousness melts away once more. “All right. That sounds great, Bradley. Let’s do it as soon as we can, yeah?”
Unfortunately the next time they both have a day off at the same time isn’t for almost two weeks, because there are a large number of scenes they need to film together, in addition to their other independent scenes. Still, they’ve waited this long already. Two more weeks should be a piece of cake in comparison.
~*~
Two weeks, as it turns out, might actually be enough time for everything to go to hell.
It is lunch time on Friday and Bradley's day already isn't going that well. He's spent the morning filming a particularly draining emotional scene; usually he's able to pick himself up after without much difficulty, but then usually he has Colin around to help, and since he has the day off - the lucky bugger - Bradley feels a bit out of sorts.
He's drifting casually through the lunch line, not particularly excited by any of today's meal choices, when he hears the sound of giggling girls at his back. Tossing a glance over his shoulder, he notes Katie and Angel are sitting at a table off to the side and is suddenly glad of their presence. Sometimes their brand of inane, girlish chatter drives Bradley mad, but he has to admit that they can also be quite amusing at times, which is precisely what he needs right about now.
“They’re going on a date? Really?” he hears Katie say, her voice uncharacteristically quiet, as he walks up to their table.
He takes a seat, playfully shoving her out of the way while Angel smirks at them. Katie smacks him on the arm, but slides over anyway. “So, who’s going on a date?” he asks. It’s not that he particularly cares, but if a distraction is what he’s looking for, then obtaining set gossip from Katie and Angel is the perfect plan.
“Uh, no one,” she says, a little too hastily. “It’s not really all that interesting.”
“It isn’t that big of a deal, Katie,” Angel cuts in, shrugging casually. “I wasn’t sworn to secrecy, and I’m sure it’s fine if Bradley knows.”
“Yeah, but I doubt he’ll care.”
Angel narrows her eyes suspiciously at Katie, as if she’s trying to figure out what Katie’s angle is, but has no idea what it could be. Which automatically implies that there’s something more to this conversation that Katie obviously doesn’t want him knowing about.
If she’s trying to hide something from Bradley for whatever reason, she isn’t doing a very good job of it. “Well, now you have me curious. Who are you talking about?”
From his peripheral vision, he sees Katie tilt her head quickly, and Angel is still eyeing her curiously when she says, “Colin’s going on a date with my friend Lila. The girl I introduced him to at my New Year’s Eve party.”
Bradley swallows, then nods slowly as he takes in this information. He’s not jumping to any conclusions just yet. In fact, he refuses to. There’s probably just been some misunderstanding somewhere along the line.
“I’m sure they’re just going for a cuppa,” Katie says, and actually pats Bradley’s arm. He stares at her.
Angel blinks, and it’s almost as if they’re carrying on the conversation without any conscious awareness of Bradley’s presence. “Well, they’re going for dinner. That sounds like a date to me.”
Shrugging, Katie shakes her head. “Not necessarily.”
Bradley wants to point out that he agrees with her - and isn’t this a momentous occasion, when Bradley actually agrees with something that Katie’s said? - but he decides to keep his mouth shut and just listen.
“I know they’ve kept in touch since the party-” Angel is saying, and this is news to Bradley. He had no idea that Colin was still in contact with her. Not that it’s any of his business who Colin talks to, nor would he ever try and make it out to be, but he assumes Colin still would’ve mentioned something about that in the past two months. “Everything points to a date.”
Bradley still isn’t jumping to conclusions, because that’s not what he does. He’s just a little put off by all this information.
Unrelatedly, he’s also sort of lost his appetite.
“I should get going. Have a scene to prepare for,” Bradley says, scratching a bit awkwardly at the back of his neck before standing and taking his still full tray with him. “Thanks for letting me sit with you.”
Neither girl says a word as he walks away, but nonetheless, Bradley still can’t help but overhear Katie’s strained “Angel!” a few moments later.
~*~
That evening, as Bradley’s sitting on the hotel sofa watching Buffy episodes in an attempt to distract himself - honestly, how can anyone be upset while watching ’Once More, With Feeling’? - he is tempted to give Colin a ring, find out what he’s doing, even though he already knows.
Unconsciously, he finds himself wondering what’s going on, if they’re talking quietly over an intimate dinner, holding hands, Colin smiling brightly with those crinkles he gets in the corner of his eyes. Maybe he’s inviting her back to his flat after, because no one would know about it, and-
Bradley shakes his head of these thoughts and cranks up the volume.
~*~
Needless to say, he doesn’t sleep all that well, which makes for a quiet ride in the van the following morning. Usually the girls barely manage to keep their heads upright, while Bradley and Colin sing and joke around and are just generally energetic arses the entire time, but Colin doesn’t need to be on set until noon that day, and he has his own flat now, so he isn’t with them anyway.
Which is fine. Bradley hasn’t exactly figured out what he wants to say to Colin when he sees him, so in that respect, he can rest easy. So instead of trying to engage Katie and Angel in conversation, he merely pulls up the hood on his jumper, closes his eyes, and rests his head against the window.
At some point, they must assume he’s fallen asleep, because they start talking in hushed whispers in the back seat as if he can’t hear what they’re saying.
“Did you find out what happened last night with Colin and Lila?” Katie asks.
There is a brief pause, and then, “She didn’t give me many details, but she said their dinner went well.”
“So it was a date then?”
“Well, she didn’t say it was,” Angel admits, and Bradley has to force himself to keep his breathing even and slow, so as to not arouse their suspicions that he’s still awake and actually listening. “But she did say she finally got something she’s wanted for quite some time.”
“Which was?”
Bradley holds his breath, heart racing wildly in his chest.
“A kiss from Colin,” Angel says, and if he’s not mistaken, she almost sounds guilty.
Katie curses softly, and Bradley suddenly feels ill. How is it even possible that this is happening when everything seemed to make so much sense a couple of days ago? Tugging the hood further down his face, Bradley tries to pretend that this changes absolutely nothing, even though he knows that couldn’t be further from the truth.
~*~
Filming is fine throughout the morning - he’s primarily working with Eoin and Angel and is able to throw himself into the role - but everything changes when the afternoon rolls around and Colin arrives on set. They’ve recently begun filming the magic reveal, something both of them have been wanting since the beginning of series two, but it’s difficult for Bradley to be excited about any of it when he feels like everything is crumbling at his feet and he’s helpless to do anything to prevent it from happening.
“You have magic,” Arthur says, sword falling from his hand.
“Arthur, I… I’m sorry. I wanted to tell you, but I couldn’t. I had no choice,” Merlin says, his face twisted with guilt and regret.
“You lied to me, Merlin, for four years. You’re a sorcerer, and you never told me.” His voice is low, gruff, the betrayal written clearly across his features.
Merlin’s mouth opens and shuts several times in succession, as if he wants to say something but doesn’t know what. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. I only ever wanted to protect you.”
“Get out of here,” Arthur demands, pointing in the opposite direction.
“Arthur-” Merlin protests softly. But Arthur can’t do this right now.
The director yells “cut”, and Bradley immediately backs away from Colin, because this all feels too real, is hitting too close to home for him.
He is stopped by a hand to his arm, and he has to force himself to meet Colin’s imploring gaze.
“Bradley, are you all right?” Colin asks, but the concern in his voice only serves to anger Bradley instead.
“Yeah, I’m fine,” he says curtly. “I just didn’t sleep well.”
And before Colin can say anything else, Bradley turns and walks away, trying and failing to ignore the dull ache sitting heavily in his chest.
~*~
That evening Katie and Colin are working late, which saves Bradley from having to engage in any sort of social interactions. It fills him with a sense of relief, because he doesn’t think he has the mental energy to fake it tonight. Instead, he orders room service, grabs a beer, and permits himself a night - just one - to wallow in self-pity.
Collapsing onto the sofa with a beer in hand, Bradley wonders when the hell everything went to shit. It doesn’t make any sense whatsoever, if he looks back on everything that has occurred in the past few months. He’s invested a great deal of time sorting through everything, and had been certain that he knew what was going on. Unless… unless there is an alternate way of interpreting everything, and suddenly, unexpectedly, a whole new picture forms in Bradley’s brain.
What if Colin had merely kissed him out of a sense of tradition, going with the flow of what’s expected on New Year’s Eve instead of because he truly wanted to? Not to hurt him, of course - because Bradley knows Colin wouldn’t ever do something like that to him - but just in the spirit of fun and celebrating. It was clear at the time - or at least it seems clear in Bradley’s memory - that Colin hadn’t exactly been repulsed by the idea of snogging Bradley either. The note, then, that Bradley found the next morning could very well have been the product of Colin trying to ensure this wouldn’t change their friendship, once the potential implications of his actions sunk in. It would also explain why he never brought anything up about that night, even once filming had started again. There’s nothing to talk about when it was just a friendly snog between mates, after all.
Angel’s already confirmed that Colin and Lila stayed in touch over the past couple of months, so it’s not unfathomable that he might have developed feelings for her in that time, even if they didn’t initially connect in that way. Clearly, she’s finally come to her senses and realised how incredible Colin is, and since Colin likely isn’t interested in him anyway, why wouldn’t he give her a chance? There is, of course, the matter of their “date” to discuss their relationship, and why Colin agreed to it if he has feelings for someone else. But then, perhaps he genuinely never even realised what Bradley meant in the first place and assumed they were just going to hang out like they always did.
To make matters worse, Colin’s been acting as if nothing has happened, as if nothing’s changed. But Bradley catches Colin watching him, looking at him like he’s worried, and there is definitely no sense of responsibility in his eyes when he does, which means that he doesn’t believe he’s done anything wrong. And he’s not the kind of bloke to mess around like that, so Bradley is forced to conclude that his earlier theorys holds even more weight, in light of the facts.
He flops back on the sofa with a frustrated groan, throwing an arm over his eyes. He is not going to cry over this. This is stupid and ridiculous, and nothing’s even happened to warrant such a reaction anyway. Bradley’s tough. This is just a harmless crush that he will find a way to overcome (except that it’s more than a crush, so much more, and he damn well knows it). He is not going to do this tonight, as much as he might like to, and that’s final.
Except for the minor fact that his body is putting up one hell of a fight, and this is the first time in as long as Bradley can remember that even Buffy can’t cheer him up.
~*~
Somehow, things don’t feel quite as awful the next morning, though it’s possible there are other factors interfering with his misery. Mostly that he doesn’t have to wake at the crack of dawn, and that his mum and sister are coming down to visit for a couple of days.
Unfortunately the whole purpose of them coming to visit is to watch Bradley film, which only adds another layer of anxiety to his already fragile state. The last time his mum had visited the set, he’d been incredibly nervous, and that was when he wasn’t a complete mess. He can only imagine how things might turn out today.
As it turns out, they’re still filming various scenes from the magic reveal and subsequent fall-out between Merlin and Arthur, and today happens to contain another one of those vitally important, charged scenes between them.
There are no difficulties during the first half of the scene, but towards the end, it begins to fall apart at the seams, and after the seventh terrible shot, the director stops filming to check in on him, as if things weren’t already bad enough as it was.
“Everything all right, Bradley?”
He nods, avoiding eye contact with virtually everyone around him. “Yeah. Yeah, I’m okay. Let’s go again.”
“You sure?”
And all he can do is nod in response, while inwardly scolding himself for being so unprofessional.
“All right, then. From Colin’s line at the start of page thirty-two.”
Bradley hops in place three times, forcing himself to enter Arthur’s world and leave his own for a while. This is Arthur’s pain, Arthur’s hurt, Arthur’s betrayal, not his own. If he can just remember that, he thinks he just might be able to get through this.
“Look, Arthur, I know I’m just your servant, but you have to understand the position I was in.”
“You’re not-” Arthur swallows, and sucks in a shaky breath. How does he even begin to explain what this all means to him? “You’re not just my servant, Merlin. You know that.”
Arthur is crowding Merlin’s space now, one hand planted on the wall behind his head, shaking with frustration and hurt and something indefinable but distinctly there all the same. Merlin bites his lip, and stares at Arthur with sad blue eyes, brimming with unshed tears, and the sight makes his breath catch in his throat.
“You were my friend.”
Merlin’s fingers curl around his wrist like a whisper, the warmth of his touch like fire to Arthur’s skin. “I still am,” he says, voice barely audible over the thrumming of his heartbeat.
Arthur closes his eyes as he struggles to keep his emotions at bay. “But you betrayed me, and I don’t know how to deal with that. How can I trust you, when you’ve been lying to me for so long?”
“I never meant to hurt you,” Merlin says, voice breaking, and Arthur knows - somewhere deep down he knows - but that doesn’t make the betrayal any easier to bear.
They stand, staring at one another with such intensity that Bradley almost doesn’t hear the familiar “cut” he usually anticipates.
“Take five,” the director calls out then, and Bradley’s itching to run away so badly, but he knows he can’t. His eyes drift shut briefly, and he squeezes the bridge of his nose, already sensing the first signs of a wretched headache coming on.
When his eyes open once more, Colin is staring at him, and Bradley just knows he’s going to say something in that concerned and gentle manner that’s become one of the things Bradley simultaneously adores and loathes about him, but thankfully he is saved by his sister.
“I need to talk to you,” she says, grabbing onto his arm and pulling him in the opposite direction.
She drags him well across the set, nails digging painfully into his wrist until he finally wrenches free from her grasp and they stop.
“Ow, Steph! Was that necessary?”
As has been the case for nearly his entire life, she ignores the comment. “Oh, my God, Bradley, why didn’t you tell me it was Colin?”
Bradley’s hands fly of their own accord to Stephanie’s face as he attempts to cover her mouth. “Would you keep your bloody voice down?” he hisses. “Unless you want every person in a ten mile radius to hear you.”
“Sorry. I’m sorry,” she says, lowering her voice and grabbing onto his arm again. “But I was just surprised and excited. I had no idea it was Colin.”
“No idea what was Colin?”
“The person you fancy.”
Bradley blinks and tries to pretend they are not having this conversation. “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
“Oh, please. You two looked like you were about five seconds away from snogging each other’s brains out. I’m not blind, Brad. I have eyes.” She folds her arms across her chest, staring at him with a challenging expression on her face, as if daring him to deny it.
At that moment, Bradley decides it’s official: his life can’t possibly get any more miserable. For a few seconds he contemplates denying the claim anyway, but in the end he knows there is no point. She will hound him until he finally confesses anyway, so he might as well just come out with it and save them both the trouble.
“It’s that obvious?”
“I hate to admit it, but yeah. Though I am quite skilled at picking up on these things.”
If that’s supposed to somehow make him feel better, it fails. Quite spectacularly. He scrubs a hand down his face, heaving a melancholy sigh in the process.
Thankfully, she gives him a moment before asking, “So, uh, are you two like a couple now, or what?”
“No. No, Steph. Just, no. We’re not.” It feels as though someone is rubbing salt into his wounds, still all too fresh, and he’s a little surprised at the emotion that seeps into the words. What he wouldn’t give for this conversation to end right this very second.
“How come? Is it because-Oh, shit.” Stephanie’s eyes widen as realisation dawns on her. “Is it because I told you that you shouldn’t get involved with someone you work with? Because, yeah, it’s not always the best idea. But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t necessarily give it a chance either, yeah?”
Bradley shakes his head and runs a hand through his hair, belatedly remembering that make-up will pitch a fit if he messes it up. “It’s complicated.”
“Complicated how?”
That feels like a terribly unfair question. How can he explain things without really coming right out with it? “Complicated in that I don’t want to talk about it. Something happened, and, uh, yeah. I don’t think he’s interested in me, and I don’t want to risk ruining our friendship.”
“You don’t think he’s interested, or you know he’s not?”
The question leaves him with a sour taste in his mouth and he scrunches his nose up in annoyance. “Well, I don’t know with one hundred percent certainty, but I’m quite positive he doesn’t.”
“I take it you haven’t actually chatted with him about any of this then?” she asks, as if it is the most logical thing in the world, and Bradley wonders if maybe it is.
“Chatted?” he parrots.
“Yeah. Like what you and I are doing right now. I know it’s such a foreign concept, but surely you’ve heard of it before?”
Bradley makes a face. She can see he’s clearly stressed out about this, so how does she react? By poking fun at him, naturally. The joys of having a sister, Bradley muses wryly to himself. “Of course I know what having a conversation is. We do it all the time.”
“Just not about anything important, I guess?”
He decides not to respond to that one.
“So, let me just clarify what you’re telling me, then,” Stephanie continues, when it’s apparent he’s not going to comment. “You two snogged on New Year’s Eve, you haven’t talked about it since, something mysterious happened, and now - without bothering to check in with him at all - you’ve decided that he’s not interested and instead you’re going to pine from afar like a lovesick sod?”
“I-” Bradley starts, but he doesn’t know where to go with this, because fuck, she’s painfully right, so he clamps his mouth shut instead, casting his eyes to the ground in embarrassment.
“That’s what I thought,” Stephanie says. She pats his arm gently, and the action is surprisingly soothing on his frayed nerves. “You both are such blokes. It’s your life, so do what you want, but seriously, I think it would do you a world of good to just talk to him. Try and clarify whatever it is that has you convinced he’s not interested in you. Because much as I don’t really want to think about you kissing anyone, you both looked more than ready and willing, from what I saw.”
But before Bradley has a chance to respond, the director is calling them back to their places, and he’s suddenly grateful for it. Still, he can’t help but admit that she’s given him some very important things to consider.
~*~
The next day, they decide to do the whole tourist thing, even though Bradley doesn’t particularly consider himself a tourist any more. His mum provides him with an update on every single member of their extended family - much to Bradley's chagrin - and Steph even has mercy on him and lays off on the talk about Colin, attempting to distract him instead.
Halfway through the day he receives a text message from Beth, of all people: hey! gonna b in bristol tomorrow 4 a week visiting a friend. i'm close, if u wanna have dinner. let me know.
It seems like an odd twist of fate, but he's not reading too much into it. He sends back a quick reply - good 2 know. i'll see how things go. have fun w/your friend! - before promptly forgetting about it.
Despite the pleasant day off, Bradley feels a rush of anxiety that night before going to bed, after seeing his mum and Stephanie off. He's managed to go for more than five minutes at a time without thinking about the situation with Colin a few times throughout the day, but that was only due to the thorough and constant distraction that was provided by Stephanie and his mum. But tomorrow he's back to work, filming scenes with Colin virtually all day long, and he has no idea how he's going to survive the day, stave off the hurt that grips his heart every time he lays eyes on him. Bradley knows that it will get easier in time, but right now... right now it's still so raw.
He does know that Stephanie is probably right in that he needs to talk to Colin. But he's a bloke, and blokes don't usually talk about their feelings. It's sort of the way it's always been. So the notion that seems so logical to his sister is actually quite foreign to him. The problem is that his evening with Colin is only two nights away, and he has to sort some of this out before then, unless he wants to end up looking and feeling like a complete and utter arse.
Lunch ends up being the first and potentially only time they have an opportunity to talk. And thankfully, Katie and Angel are nowhere to be seen, which will make the whole thing easier, despite the fact that there is nothing remotely easy about this. The one concern he has is about bringing up this situation in a natural way, because he knows that Colin will see right through him.
Thankfully, Colin inadvertently opens the door almost immediately after they sit down.
“So, how was your day off? Did you have a good visit with your mum and sister?” Colin asks as he digs into his salad.
Bradley nods. “Yeah, it was fine. Though it reminded me why I usually only spend time with them in small doses. Can't handle much more than that.”
“I know what you mean. Family can be a pain in the arse. But we only get one, so we have to learn how to deal with them somehow, yeah?” Colin says companionably. Either he hasn't noticed Bradley's tension all morning long or he's choosing not to comment on it, though Bradley suspects the latter to be true. Colin's been watching him with a careful eye for the past several days, hovering and occasionally asking questions like he knows something is up, but has no inkling as to what it could be. It would almost be sweet, in a way, if it didn't make everything that much more frustrating.
“Yeah. It's a lifelong process for some, I hear,” Bradley says, trying and failing to throw some humour into his tone. In spite of that, Colin smiles knowingly at him.
And it’s nothing really, just the simple upward pull of his lips, but Bradley’s heart flutters in his chest at the sight anyway, and he knows that he needs to get this conversation over and done with as soon as humanly possible.
Before he can talk himself out of it, Bradley forces the question from his mouth. “How about you? You had a good day off as well?”
Colin squints at him in confusion. “I was here yesterday.”
“I know,” Bradley says, and takes a deep, calming breath. Unsurprisingly, it does little to help with his frayed nerves. “But you were off a few days ago and we never talked about it. Did you do anything interesting?”
Shrugging, Colin swallows a bite of his salad before saying, “Not really. I had a nice lie in, went out for a walk and bought a few books.”
“What books did you buy?” It’s not so much that he cares as that he doesn’t want to jump too quickly into finding out about the date, or whatever it was, with Angel’s friend. Colin lists them all off, but Neil Gaiman is the only author he actually recognises.
“Did you do anything else?” Bradley presses in as nonchalant a manner as he can muster. So far this isn't going as well as he'd hoped.
“Had dinner with a friend.”
“Oh, yeah?” Bradley tries to sound casual, as if he had no idea and this is the first time he's ever heard this information.
Colin nods and stabs at his salad. “Yeah.”
“Is it a mate from drama school, or…?”
“No, just a good friend.”
Bradley holds back a frown, wondering how far to push this. He decided prior to having the actual conversation that he wasn’t going to come out and just ask Colin about the kiss with Lila, because it can only make him look mad, or worse - jealous. And if Colin doesn’t reciprocate his feelings, then he’s going to have a great deal of explaining to do. What he wants, what he truly desires, is for Colin to tell him about the kiss of his own volition. Because somehow, if he does that, Bradley feels like it will still be okay, even though there is nothing objective he’s basing this belief on.
“So you just went out for dinner then? Anything interesting happen?”
“While out for dinner?” Colin stares at Bradley, a bit perplexed, assessing. “Not really. We just ate and talked.”
“What did you talk about?”
“Our lives.” Colin’s expression clouds over. “Bradley, what’s with all the questions? Why are you so interested in this?”
Bradley folds his arms and glares down at his lunch. “I’m not. It’s nothing. I just-”
“What?”
He sucks in a breath. “Is there anything you wanted to tell me?”
Colin’s eyebrows shoot up his forehead in an alarmingly accurate imitation of Gaius, clearly confused. “Such as…?”
And there is his answer. It’s clear that Colin isn’t going to budge on this without Bradley flat out asking him about Lila. There’s probably an implication buried somewhere in this information, but he’s too upset to sort through any of it at the moment.
“Nothing. Never mind, it’s okay. I was just wondering,” Bradley says, and cringes at the way his voice wavers just slightly.
“Bradley-”
“It’s nothing, Colin. Don’t worry about it,” Bradley tries to assure him, even though he feels like he’s been punched in the gut.
They finish their meal in relative silence, and while it’s obvious that Colin wants to say something, Bradley is grateful that he remains quiet, because he doesn’t want to break down right now, here at work.
~*~
Bradley manages to stumble through the rest of the day and the following morning in a haze. Somehow, he’s able to pull himself together with the reminder that he has a job to do and numerous people counting on him, and filming goes surprisingly well, all things considered.
Thankfully, the afternoon’s schedule involves Bradley and Colin filming separate scenes, and for the first time in the four years he’s been working on Merlin, Bradley’s grateful for it.
As soon as their last joint scene has been filmed, Bradley makes to sneak away and avoid lunch - he doesn’t have an appetite anyway - but Colin manages to catch him before he’s able to make his escape.
“I know you have to go,” Colin says, running a hand through his hair, “but I just wanted to make sure we’re still on for tonight?”
Bradley bites his lip. He certainly hadn’t forgotten, but he can’t help but wish that maybe Colin had. “Yeah. Yeah, we’re on. But I’ll probably be late.”
He has no idea why he says it. He doesn’t have any other plans, no reason why he shouldn’t be there on time, but there is a tiny part of him that wants to go down fighting, even if he’s the only one who knows that’s what he’s doing.
Colin’s face scrunches up. “Why?”
There is a pause, in which his brain considers the various options, but even he’s surprised at the words that leave his mouth. “Because I have a date.”
~*~
He doesn't have a date. Obviously he doesn't. The lie is ridiculous and absurd and he has no idea why he'd even say such a thing. It is a defensive, knee-jerk reaction and Bradley regrets the words the instant they leave his mouth. But the damage is already done, already out there, and he can't help but feel a twinge of guilt at the startled - and slightly hurt - expression that falls across Colin's features. No matter how shitty he feels, hurting Colin never once factored into the equation.
There is a part of him that wants to take it back, to admit that he was lying and that he doesn't have a date. But that will only open the floor to all kinds of questions that he's neither ready nor willing to answer.
Before Colin can say anything, Bradley mutters a few words under his breath that may have been something along the lines of, “I have to go” before hurrying past him and walking away as quickly as possible.
---------------
Continue to part five