I know I promised, but...
I don't know what to think about what happened last night. I went over to the house in Tenleytown, because I wanted to hang out with everyone before I leave for Indiana this weekend. I didn't really think I was running a risk by sleeping over, because I thought the worst that would happen would be that maybe I would wake up when Mike got home and then need to fall back asleep. Incidentally, I did not wake up (I think the flu shot I got yesterday has been kicking my ass - I've been so exhausted) until Mike poked my foot...to wake me up and invite me back to his room. I knew it was a terrible idea, but I couldn't help feeling like there were some things that I would like to say to him. So I promised myself no sex and went back to his room with him.
I was so nervous and tense that I was shaking a little. I told him up front that I wasn't going to sleep with him, because I couldn't be something in between a girlfriend and a friend. He made all kinds of comments about this, first going down a shame spiral about how he wasn't good enough for me and how if we did date I would just go out to some other bar and meet another dude who was better than him and then break up with him or cheat on him. I told him that was bullshit, because I don't view a relationship that way and that I stay committed to the person I'm with until I'm not happy anymore. He then tried the tack that I was "so much smarter than [him]" and that I was going to get some amazing job in another city and leave him, because he was going no where. I called bullshit again, because I haven't applied for anything outside of DC since like May, and I've fully decided that I want to stay here - at least until I get my MBA.
This whole time we're having this conversation, he was also telling me that he missed me and that he cares about me, that he really likes me, etc etc. At one point he said he loved me. My only reaction was shock. I mean, first of all, if that were true, then why wouldn't he suck it up and ask me to be his girlfriend? And if it weren't true then why bother telling me that except to try and manipulate me back into bed with him. I didn't respond in kind to that, so after that he went back to just repeating about a million times that he really likes me and likes having me around.
Then he tried something new. He brought up the fact that I'd brought Jan over to the house one time, except he maintained that I'd brought another guy over on a different occasion. He said this other guy had dark hair and that I'd sat up on the couch to give Mike a dirty look and then gone back to sleep with this dude. Can I point out that this never happened? I told him so. I told him Jan was the only guy who ever ended up with me at the house and that I'd apologized to John about it, because it's not my fucking house and I don't disrespect people that way. I felt like he was just trying to make me feel bad about something I'd never done, like it justified his lack of commitment to me. I just repeated that he could ask John or Ashley how many guys I'd ever brought over to the house and that they would tell him it happened once.
When that didn't work, he started saying that I could have the relationship if I wanted it. At this point, I was close to tears. Why would he say that? I can't have a relationship with someone who doesn't want it back. I asked him how. His response was that the biggest problem in our relationship was that I'd gone to sleep in his bed four times without asking him first. I, again, was in shock. I mean, that was his excuse for a reason for not wanting me to be his girlfriend? I brought up the fact that he'd never told me that it bothered him until two weeks ago, and that four times over nine months hardly constitutes a violation of privacy. If anything, I quite deliberately went to sleep on a couch most of the time in order to give him his space. This conversation did not end well, and he turned his back to me. I started crying and wanted to go back out to the couch and sleep out there, but I couldn't find my shirt (which he'd removed, of course). As I was trying to find it in the dark, he rolled back over and told me to go to sleep and worry about this stuff in the morning. I did that, only because it was impossible to find my shirt.
So I didn't sleep with him, but god I don't know what to think. At first I was thinking that this whole thing was all about how he was terrified of being cheated on again, because of his ex-fiance. That he was just being insecure or whatever. But then he got so manipulative towards the end of this discussion. I mean, trying to make up stuff about how I'd brought two dudes back to that house? And telling me bullshit like it was my fault that we weren't together because I didn't respect his space? I don't know. I know it's stupid, but I still want him to make the effort for me (although he'd have to work his freakin' ass off now). I still would take him back if he did the right stuff. I just don't think it will be an issue, because his track record is so bad.
What the hell. Why didn't he just bring another chick home from the bar last night and leave me alone?
I was so nervous and tense that I was shaking a little. I told him up front that I wasn't going to sleep with him, because I couldn't be something in between a girlfriend and a friend. He made all kinds of comments about this, first going down a shame spiral about how he wasn't good enough for me and how if we did date I would just go out to some other bar and meet another dude who was better than him and then break up with him or cheat on him. I told him that was bullshit, because I don't view a relationship that way and that I stay committed to the person I'm with until I'm not happy anymore. He then tried the tack that I was "so much smarter than [him]" and that I was going to get some amazing job in another city and leave him, because he was going no where. I called bullshit again, because I haven't applied for anything outside of DC since like May, and I've fully decided that I want to stay here - at least until I get my MBA.
This whole time we're having this conversation, he was also telling me that he missed me and that he cares about me, that he really likes me, etc etc. At one point he said he loved me. My only reaction was shock. I mean, first of all, if that were true, then why wouldn't he suck it up and ask me to be his girlfriend? And if it weren't true then why bother telling me that except to try and manipulate me back into bed with him. I didn't respond in kind to that, so after that he went back to just repeating about a million times that he really likes me and likes having me around.
Then he tried something new. He brought up the fact that I'd brought Jan over to the house one time, except he maintained that I'd brought another guy over on a different occasion. He said this other guy had dark hair and that I'd sat up on the couch to give Mike a dirty look and then gone back to sleep with this dude. Can I point out that this never happened? I told him so. I told him Jan was the only guy who ever ended up with me at the house and that I'd apologized to John about it, because it's not my fucking house and I don't disrespect people that way. I felt like he was just trying to make me feel bad about something I'd never done, like it justified his lack of commitment to me. I just repeated that he could ask John or Ashley how many guys I'd ever brought over to the house and that they would tell him it happened once.
When that didn't work, he started saying that I could have the relationship if I wanted it. At this point, I was close to tears. Why would he say that? I can't have a relationship with someone who doesn't want it back. I asked him how. His response was that the biggest problem in our relationship was that I'd gone to sleep in his bed four times without asking him first. I, again, was in shock. I mean, that was his excuse for a reason for not wanting me to be his girlfriend? I brought up the fact that he'd never told me that it bothered him until two weeks ago, and that four times over nine months hardly constitutes a violation of privacy. If anything, I quite deliberately went to sleep on a couch most of the time in order to give him his space. This conversation did not end well, and he turned his back to me. I started crying and wanted to go back out to the couch and sleep out there, but I couldn't find my shirt (which he'd removed, of course). As I was trying to find it in the dark, he rolled back over and told me to go to sleep and worry about this stuff in the morning. I did that, only because it was impossible to find my shirt.
So I didn't sleep with him, but god I don't know what to think. At first I was thinking that this whole thing was all about how he was terrified of being cheated on again, because of his ex-fiance. That he was just being insecure or whatever. But then he got so manipulative towards the end of this discussion. I mean, trying to make up stuff about how I'd brought two dudes back to that house? And telling me bullshit like it was my fault that we weren't together because I didn't respect his space? I don't know. I know it's stupid, but I still want him to make the effort for me (although he'd have to work his freakin' ass off now). I still would take him back if he did the right stuff. I just don't think it will be an issue, because his track record is so bad.
What the hell. Why didn't he just bring another chick home from the bar last night and leave me alone?