bcn
I've been here about 3.5 weeks, and on the whole I'm kind of "meh" about being here. Don't get me wrong--I love this city and I love having the chance to use my Spanish in a Spanish-speaking country. I also know that it's a huge privilege to be able to study in Europe for a semester and that I also have immense academic opportunities just waiting to be discovered once I get started on my research paper.
However, I'm still a little bummed about being here. I've made friends and I like a few of my classes, but on the whole I just sort of miss my friends from home and school and am dissatisfied with the social life I've found here. I've hung out with different groups of people at different times so far this semester, and I haven't felt at home with any of them, really. Some annoyed me, some were painfully awkward, some have formed their own clique-y groups already . . . etc. While I like a lot of them, it's hard to build strong friendships here when you only see people a couple days a week, at most.
I also find myself pining for the familiar. I don't want to seem like I'm devaluing Catalonian culture, because I am fascinated by and love living in Catalonia. The double-kiss on the cheeks which serves both as a greeting and a way of saying "goodbye" is one of my favorite parts about this culture. Yet I'm still not 100% comfortable being here, for reasons which I'll explain later. So I find myself searching for familiar things, whether it's stores or songs or dogs that look like Kae Dog. I've found a lot of them, and I hope to continue finding more to help make life here easier.
One reason why I don't feel at home here is the staring. Before I left for Barcelona, I talked at length with a Grinnell professor who lived in BCN for 26 years and who used to teach with IES. Naturally she had a lot to say about the city, and she told me that I should expect to get some stares on the streets and in the Metro because I'm clearly not from Barcelona and because Barcelonans are not entirely used to seeing Asian people all over the place due to a severe lack of immigrants before the last 10 years or so. While I figured I would feel a little strange at first here, feelings of my own alienness persist even after almost 4 weeks living here. People on the street don't pay me much attention; they're all wrapped up in their own business. But when I step onto the Metro, for example, I get incredulous looks that are loaded with judgment from people of all ages and genders. I am an object of fascination and, based on some of the expressions I've seen, mild disgust to some of these Metro riders.
It's a feeling altogether new for me. While I've been a minority all my life, no one really cares about that in the States--it's just natural to blend in when you're living in a country of immigrants. But in a country with, until recently, very limited diversity, it's really hard to feel a part of this city. So while I like Barcelona and live here and speak one of the official languages perfectly well and have a Universitat Pompeu Fabra ID card, I don't think I will ever feel like I truly belong here.
Another thing that's been emphasized to me is how little I know/have cared so far about my Korean heritage. More than five people here have asked me if I'm Chinese, and when I tell them in Spanish that I am Korean but don't speak any Korean, they look baffled and insist that I learn my native tongue. And it's not that I don't want to, it's just that I don't have time and haven't prioritized it at all these past 21 years. Their questions about Korean culture leave me with nothing to say, and emphasize how little I actually know about Korea. One of my roommates asked me the other day "Do you like it [being adopted and having no knowledge of Korean culture]?" when we discussed it briefly while I cooked myself some dinner. I was a little offended by her question--what's not to like, since it's all I've ever known? At the same time, it got me thinking about how I identify myself culturally and all that. While I was very comfortable as the "fake Asian" before coming here, something about the alienation and probing questions has raised in me a clear consciousness of the fact that I am from a place about which I know virtually nothing. And it's beginning to trouble me.
Another reason I feel out of place here is not just the way I look racially, but also the way I look in terms of dress. Barcelona is full of skinny women wearing skinny jeans and tall, leather boots with fashionable coats and expensive purses. Even little children dress more fashionably than I do. While fashion isn't usually something I'm concerned with, the sheer ubiquitousness of well-dressed people contributes to my feeling like a total outsider.
On that note, I think it's worth pointing out that I feel equally alienated from the IES "community" (or whatever it is) as I do from the Catalonian community. The majority of people on this program are shockingly unprepared to be here, linguistically, and seem to want only to drink heavily in Barcelona and go to Amsterdam. I'm not even kidding. The girls walk around in their Ugg boots, all with the same style purse in a myriad of colors, wearing leggings as pants (ugh) and talking about how drunk they were the night before. It might be easy to imagine how out of place I feel among such Americans, too.
This all brings me to my next point, which is that part of me still cannot wait to go home. Not only because it's familiar, but also because I won't be the rarity that passengers on the Metro can discuss in hushed whispers that go unheard beneath the roar of the train. I'll be home and among family and friends at least for a little while, depending on which job I end up doing this summer. I'll use my home country's currency, and speak my native language all the time (interestingly enough, speaking/processing Spanish all the time is exhausting. Mr. Jordan warned me about that, but his point didn't really sink in until this past week, when I started having all 5 of my classes). I will go to places like Target for all my daily, trivial needs, and I will not have to constantly ask if a dish has carne in it.
And yeah, I know I'm in Europe and that I should be having the time of my life, or whatever. And in some ways, I am. I've seen more interesting architecture and spoken more Spanish and made more of an independent life for myself in the last 3.5 weeks than at any other time in my life prior to January 7th. I'm going to travel a lot this semester and I'm going to meet new people and try new foods. But feeling alienated all the time kind of makes me wish, sometimes, that I was back home and surrounded by friends and family.