Comments | acenpokerface: Of Perverts, Proposals, and Pink Aprons

acenpokerface

Of Perverts, Proposals, and Pink Aprons

Jun 30, 2011 00:31

Title: Of Perverts, Proposals, and Pink Aprons
Author: acenpokerface
Prompt #3: Public Embarrassment
Word Count: 3,600 (yes, I know it’s over the limit…sigh. I couldn’t bear to cut down any further.)
Rating: PG-13
Character(s): Hibari Kyoya, Dokuro Chrome, Rokudo Mukuro, and Tsuna + Co.
Paring(s): 1896, hints of 1869 and 6996
Warnings: This is an AU ( Read more... )

character: chrome dokuro, comm: write and run, 1896, khr, fanfic, character: hibari kyoya

Comments 5

gauchecaesium June 30 2011, 15:54:56 UTC

I will be using the community's first prompt's review system to review.

Character Interpretation: The prompt might entail crack, but, to be honest, I'm not so impressed with the characterization (excepting Haru, Gokudera, Tsuna, and Kyoko), especially Mukuro. While character interpretation varies from person to person, is he really one to hit on anyone? Furthermore, Hibari agreeing to humiliate himself by donning a pink, frilly apron just for Chrome seems rather out of character, though this might be because Amano never really showed how Hibari interacts with females (Adelheid does not count as she was an opponent). As for Chrome, her "casual", sexual relationship with Hibari - something about it gets me quite iffy.
Grammar/Spelling: English is not my first language, so I will not comment on this. However, everything is understandable, that I can tell you.
Story Flow: I understood it all.
Prompt Usage: Very good. Hibari must be beating up Kusakabe to relieve all those feelings of embarrassment. It must have been embarrassing for ( ... )

acenpokerface June 30 2011, 17:05:33 UTC

Thanks for the thoughtful reply ( ... )

chromeluster27 July 1 2011, 13:37:18 UTC

This fic is great in terms of plot and way of narration. I applaud you for mixing the "crack prompt" well with your own storyline. The idea of a proposal was now new to my eyes, but the way you have incorporated it to the public embarrassment thing was nice and smooth. The flow of narration also helped in the build up of the mood in this fanfiction for me to continue reading and not to close this tab. You really got me laughing at the funny parts of the fic.

Now, the thing I only have to nitpick was the characterization. I agree with the previous comment before mine ( gauchecaesium ) that the characters were somehow OOC, especially Mukuro in my opinion. I felt while reading the fic that somehow you want Mukuro to be as funny as possible through his actions and language, but I think it was overdid at some parts. However, I understand it for the story was set in AU. You still had me laughing my ass out because of Mukuro, really so I think you have still achieved that "aim" (that I presume) for making Mukuro act like that. Other than that, I think ( ... )

ideal_fairytale July 1 2011, 17:56:52 UTC

Hi there,

We noticed that your entry is about 500 words over the given word limit. We'd like to ask if you could shorten it so that it is much close to the given limit. If you absolutely can't, then could you pm one of the other mods (fuwacchi or 100paperfans) to tell them? I'm away from home right now so I may not be able to reply to you quickly if you pm me. They'll be able to help you if you have any further concerns. We'll try to help, but there us a possibility you may be disqualified because of going over the limit. :/

Anyway, if you have any questions or concerns, feel free to pm the other mods.

Thank you so much for participating in this round. Writers are the fuel that keep this community going. XD

acenpokerface July 4 2011, 05:43:00 UTC

thank you for the notification. fuwacchi actually sent me a very helpful comment, so i'm good on that front. :) (sorry for causing such trouble T.T)