(no subject)
I wrote a sketch for drama team. People seemed to like it. I hope they actually use this one, because I think it's nice as well; short, sweet, and meaningful.
I hung out with Tim after that. we watched Ever After. He hated it, but I'd never seen it, so of course I made him watch it. haha. Then Ashley (Stephen's girlfriend) and one of Tim's sisters fixed me up with makeup and hair. It was real cute. Then we went to the show. And I was everywhere. I could not be still at all. This guy kicked me while he was moshing or whatever and my body sent adrenaline shooting through me to the point where my whole body was shaking. If I had reacted the minute he'd hit me, He would have been hurting really bad... I'm not saying that to sound tough-- I'm just saying that's how much adrenaline I had pumping through me, that's how bad I was shaking, that's how much it hurt.
I really am sick of myself.
These panic attacks are so ridiculous. here's what it's basically like: My body makes too much adrenaline for me to handle... and then my body spazzes and puts itself into a panic attack. I'm sorry if I scared any of you kids last night... I figure you must be getting sick of me by now-- but know, I love you all... and I swear if I could control them I would not ever have them in the first place.
That medicine. is satan. During the whole process of the panic attack last night it scared me in a way because I felt the need to go jump off something high and land on something hard and sharp at high velocity. And it didn't scare me, I didn't feel like I would have cared; and that, my friends (or foes), was scary in an unimaginable way.
Not to mention, after I cam down off of the panic attack, i was still on the medicine, which made me feel like the biggest Godforsaken whore and drunkard to ever walk the planet. THen I really wanted a shot to the head-- but I just slept instead. This morning I woke up and just didn't care. I couldn't care. And then I hated myself again with a hopelessness I've never known. MEDICINE AND PANIC DISORDER= TOTAL CRAP.