four
Dry spell...
Sometimes I wonder why I even bother. Even if I take every job I can get, subsist only on energy bars and things I can mooch off the acquaintances who aren't sick of me yet, and work my fingers to the bone, I barely have enough to pay off the interest on my loans. I tell myself things will improve when I get my certification, but even then, getting completely debt-free is going to take years... and then what about the University? I've always thought "somehow, I'll go," and I know that it's still a technical possibility, but it would add another ten years at least to my life under looming financial crisis (assuming the job market stays about how it is now), and I'm not even sure it's worth it. I mean, who am I kidding? It's not like I'm exactly living an honest, law-abiding life, even now. If petty crime is okay, why not just go completely extralegal and embark on the exciting path of the career criminal / multiple-count felon / whatever? (ANSWER: crippling allergy to GUNSHOT WOUNDS.) I keep thinking I want something better than this-- I want to be somewhere better, I want to be somebody better. But if there really is any such thing, is it possible for me to get it? And if I did, would I even understand what to do with it?
I'm losing weight again; I can't afford to get sick anymore, but I don't know how long I can keep striking the balance. I'm just tired of living reactively-- I want to do something. I want to fight, but I'm afraid to get hurt, there's nobody to fight, and there's nothing I feel strongly enough about to fight for. I'm sick of trying so hard all the time without getting anywhere, having a social life that consists of carefully measured units of 'manageable loss' or 'anticipated gain', seeing how long I can keep things going in an unacceptable direction before they all collapse. But most of all, I'm sick of feeling so goddamn sorry for myself all the time! ssshhhhit. *VIOLENCE.*
Of course, I only sometimes wonder why I bother, because then I remember: I do it because the alternative is 'not bothering.' Even being stuck in a rut is better than being nowhere at all.
My head is killing me.
Sometimes I wonder why I even bother. Even if I take every job I can get, subsist only on energy bars and things I can mooch off the acquaintances who aren't sick of me yet, and work my fingers to the bone, I barely have enough to pay off the interest on my loans. I tell myself things will improve when I get my certification, but even then, getting completely debt-free is going to take years... and then what about the University? I've always thought "somehow, I'll go," and I know that it's still a technical possibility, but it would add another ten years at least to my life under looming financial crisis (assuming the job market stays about how it is now), and I'm not even sure it's worth it. I mean, who am I kidding? It's not like I'm exactly living an honest, law-abiding life, even now. If petty crime is okay, why not just go completely extralegal and embark on the exciting path of the career criminal / multiple-count felon / whatever? (ANSWER: crippling allergy to GUNSHOT WOUNDS.) I keep thinking I want something better than this-- I want to be somewhere better, I want to be somebody better. But if there really is any such thing, is it possible for me to get it? And if I did, would I even understand what to do with it?
I'm losing weight again; I can't afford to get sick anymore, but I don't know how long I can keep striking the balance. I'm just tired of living reactively-- I want to do something. I want to fight, but I'm afraid to get hurt, there's nobody to fight, and there's nothing I feel strongly enough about to fight for. I'm sick of trying so hard all the time without getting anywhere, having a social life that consists of carefully measured units of 'manageable loss' or 'anticipated gain', seeing how long I can keep things going in an unacceptable direction before they all collapse. But most of all, I'm sick of feeling so goddamn sorry for myself all the time! ssshhhhit. *VIOLENCE.*
Of course, I only sometimes wonder why I bother, because then I remember: I do it because the alternative is 'not bothering.' Even being stuck in a rut is better than being nowhere at all.
My head is killing me.