Masquerade - Crumbling [Series]
Title: Masquerade - Crumbling (AO3)
Pairing: Juntoshi/Yama
Genre: Angst, Drama, Romance
Rating: PG-13
Summary: His father told him that love eventually happened. But no one told Satoshi how much he had to struggle to make it happen, or if it really was going to happen after all.
Disclaimer: I'd never be able to own them, they're Johnny's
A/N: I have LOTS of plot I wanted to write, that I have to jot them down in my notes so I won't forget them LOL. There's the continuation of Looking for An Answer, of course, and then I feel like writing a Maou fic, and there's also a request, and of course, new chaptered fics involving Juntoshi this time! Having them piling up like that, I decided to finish this one first since I can't stop thinking about it LOL after that the series, and then the request/Maou...gah, how i wished i had lots of time to write! XD Anyway, this is a very long chapter (5k words or something?), because writing from Ohno's POV is always interesting LOL. Anyway, hope you'll enjoy! Will reply to comments when I have time! Thanks a lot for the support!
P.S: This is not the end!
His father had never hit him - until Sho came along.
He never expected him to do that either - but the moment Sho went home with the warmth of his lips lingering on Satoshi’s forehead, his father has demanded an explanation from Satoshi. The old man couldn’t quite fathom why Satoshi would ever need a time to think at all, “There was nothing to think off.” His father had said curtly while he cowered in fear, eyes staring frantically at the polished floor, where his expression was reflected back to him. “You just have to marry him.”
Satoshi had tried to come up with so many excuses, ‘it was too sudden’, ‘I didn’t want to get married so soon’, ‘I still want to study art abroad’ - but his father’s frown got deeper with every reason that slipped past his lips, and he countered it with the advantage of marrying Sakurai Sho, the son of the future Prime Minister. Satoshi had listened, or tried to, at least, but his mind sneered at his father’s words, a voice screaming from the back of his head,
“Then why don’t you marry him instead?”
It took him a while to realize that he had actually said the words to his father’s face, and he watched as his father’s face turned from shock, to realization, to rage, and then the back of his hand met Satoshi’s face, and he fell to the ground, cheeks stinging and eyes watery, but more because his father had hit him. His mother had shrieked and kneeled beside him, pulling him into a hug, and then she whispered, “Dear, it’s enough.”
But it wasn’t enough, of course. His father still stood tall before him, eyes throwing daggers at him before he said, “You’re talking back to me.”
Satoshi had to bit his lips because he had wanted to reply, you wanted me to get married with someone that I didn’t love at all.
“Must be that Matsumoto’s kid influence.” His father said then, and Satoshi perked up at that. “I never agreed you hanging out with him, that kid is such a bad influence - has always been.”
“Don’t talk about Jun like that!” Satoshi growled before he managed to stop himself; knowing that he was already in trouble as he was, he continued, “You didn’t know anything about Jun at all! He wasn’t a bad influence, he was -“
“A failure.” His father finished his words for him. “I know, Satoshi. I’ve heard from his father that Jun has no will at all to continue his company, that he wanted to ‘walk on his own’.” His father made a face at that, as if it was the most disgusting thing he has ever heard. “That aside, he always brings trouble to us. Remember that time when you got kidnapped by some filthy kids just because they have grudge against Jun -“
“That was a long time ago -“
“Exactly my point. You could already see how troublesome he was since the beginning -“
“Father.” Satoshi cut him off, because he couldn’t stand it - he couldn’t stand someone badmouthing Jun, even if it was his own father. “Just stop it. Please. Jun was nothing like that.”
His father raised his eyebrows; they stared at each other for a while, before his father finally looked away, as if seemingly deep in thought. “Anyway.” He mumbled. “I want you to accept Sho-kun’s proposal.”
“I can’t.” Satoshi whispered. “I can’t, father.”
“Why?”
“I don’t love him.”
His father let out a short laugh, but that was enough to embarrass Satoshi. “Love.” His father repeated mockingly. “It’ll happen, eventually. Sho-kun is in love with you after all. Isn’t it good, being loved -“
“But that’s the problem!” Satoshi was nearly screaming now - he was frustrated, and it seems like he couldn’t reason enough with his father. “I don’t love him, and it isn’t fair for him.” He sucked in breath, “And for me too! It’s not fair for me, because he’s not the one that I love!”
“Then who?” His father turned back to him, his voice icy and threatening as he took a step forward. “Is it Jun?”
Satoshi didn’t dare to answer, but that was enough answer for his father. Satoshi knew then that he was so done - his father’s lips was set into a tight line, his nostrils flaring and hands balled into fist as he addressed his mother, “Keiko, bring him up to his room and lock him up.”
“Dear -“
“Do it now.”
Satoshi thought of staying - it wasn’t fair, everything wasn’t. But his mother begged him to, and he had no choice but to drag himself up and slowly leaving the living room. Before he left, he saw his father calling someone, and it didn’t take a genius to find out who he was calling.
“Jun-kun? This is Satoshi’s father. Yes. No, my son is fine. I just wanted to tell you that Sho-kun has proposed him, and we’d gladly take him in as our son in law.”
And it hurts more to hear his father saying that, even more than his stinging cheek.
And sometimes, the thought came back at him in full force whenever Sho kissed his forehead.
It was a lovely gesture, of course, and Sho loved to kiss his forehead whenever he was leaving the house or whenever Satoshi woke up late in the morning - but what Sho didn’t know was that Satoshi rather have him kissing his lips or some other place, because whenever he kissed his forehead, his mind would jumped back to months ago, where his father has hit him, and how heartbroken he was. That night he had lost his trust for his father - that night was the start of him being locked up in his room for weeks while trying desperately to keep in contact with Jun by the secret notes that he entrusted to one of his maids. That night, when Sho proposed to him, was the start of so many bad things, and he’d rather not have to remember it each time.
But he could never tell Sho that - he could never tell Sho to stop kissing his forehead, because when Sho did, he did so with so much love, with a very gentle smile playing on his lips whenever it touched his forehead. And Satoshi felt like crying because Sho has been nothing but lovely and kind and gentle, and yet each time, he still wished that it’d be Jun who did that, that it’d be Jun he have to say ‘Take care’ and ‘Welcome home’ to every single day.
His father said that love eventually happened, but it has been months, and rather than happening, things seemed to start taking turns to the worst.
Because Sho knew - in a way, Satoshi realized that Sho knew. One day he came home and asked him whether he loved him, and then he started crying as he hugged Satoshi tight. Satoshi had cried too, because he had caused this man pain - that he had make him suffer by not returning his love, by making him realize that Satoshi has never been in love with him. To think that he have hurt someone whose love was so pure like Sho - the thought was so unbearable, and that night, as they lied next to each other in bed, Satoshi was thinking of running away. Maybe it’d be better if he was gone from everyone’s life - from Sho’s, from Jun’s, from his family’s.
Maybe it’d be better if he killed himself.
But he was a coward. Satoshi didn’t have the gut to leave the bed and get the sharp knife in the kitchen to stab himself with, or to get the rope they have kept in the storage room and hang himself with that as Sho lied asleep in bed, oblivious to his dark thoughts. He ran his hand on Sho’s face, fingers tracing his cheek bones, his plump lips, his eyelashes -
And he thought of trying.
He thought of trying to love him. Or faking it, at the very least. He decided that he’d be more eager, more loving, more caring.
That night, rather than killing himself, Satoshi decided to kill something else.
His feelings.
And it went well, somehow. Sho has been more cautious and careful ever since that night; he looked like a wounded animal, scared, unsure - he didn’t even know if he could touch Satoshi. In a way, Satoshi was responsible for that too, of course, so he was the one to offer himself to Sho. He was the one who initiated the touches, the hugs, the kisses, the sexes - it took him weeks before Sho was finally comfortable around him again. It took him weeks before Sho finally kissed his forehead again.
He never heard from Jun anymore, and he wasn’t sure if it was good or not. Maybe it was good, because that way Satoshi could focus all his attention towards Sho.
But then again, he’d be lying if he said he didn’t miss him.
Sho rarely gave him time to remember about Jun these days though - these days, they’ve been going out for lots of parties. His father was really running for the election to be the Prime Minister, so of course they were getting busy - lots of parties to attend, lots of people to impress. Satoshi hated that that kind of parties, though it didn’t mean that he didn’t know anything. Sho was a talker, and he often talked about politics at home, and even though Satoshi looked like he didn’t give a damn about it, he did. He absorbed everything that Sho told him, and in return, he managed to impress the guests at the party with his knowledge. That night, Satoshi felt his chest swelling with proud because he has proven himself to them - that he wasn’t that kind of dolled up and useless spouses, and Sho couldn’t stop grinning as he held Satoshi’s hand tight for the rest of the night; they ended up having rushed sex in the car though, because Sho said, “You look so sexy when you shut them up with your knowledge, and I can’t stand it.”
That was one of the sexes where Satoshi didn’t feel like he was raped - much.
But thanks to that, he found the parties to be more bearable. He rarely complained now if Sho asked him to accompany him to a party, and all he said was simply, “Which color of tie should I wear?” which Sho’d be more than glad to help him with. That night, too, Sho had asked him to accompany him, and Satoshi nodded, took a quick shower, and then grabbed one of his suits that were ready to wear in the closet while Sho picked the color of the tie to him. As Sho tied it for him - though they both usually did poorly on it and have to get Sho’s mother to fix it for them later - Satoshi thought that maybe it could work. That maybe, they really could live together like this. Satoshi wasn’t sure whether he’d fall in love with Sho someday, but they were off to something good.
Or he believed so, until he saw Jun at the party.
He was sitting alone, next to a table full of champagne while Sho was off to accompany his father to meet some kind of important guest. Satoshi didn’t like the usual tension one would get for meeting someone from a higher rank, so he decided that he’d just wait for Sho. His husband has shot him an apologetic look before leaving Satoshi alone, but Satoshi didn’t mind. He flopped into one of available chairs, took a glass of champagne, and he sipped it leisurely as he observed the room. This reminded him of the masquerade party; the night where he managed to slip off from his father’s grip only because he said firsthand that he agreed on marrying Sho if his father let him attended that party. Surprisingly, he did; perhaps it was guilt, or perhaps his father was too pleased, but either way Satoshi managed to attend the masquerade party and let Jun stole him away for a night.
And now, sitting alone like this, he almost felt like he was back to that masquerade party.
And to add to it, someone was suddenly looming over him. He thought it was Sho, and when he looked up to greet him, his eyes widened.
Because it was Jun - standing before him was Jun.
Before he could say anything, Jun took the glass of champagne from his hands and placed it on the table, and then he pulled Satoshi’s hand, forcing him to stand on his feet and getting dragged by him. Satoshi knew that he shouldn’t, that Sho could come back anytime; but he remained silent as they made their way through the crowd, bumping into people, out of the hall and into the empty hallway.
Just like that night.
Only this time, Jun wasn’t patient enough to look for a room. He stopped abruptly in the hallway, turned around to Satoshi and backed him up against the wall, and then he devoured his lips.
Again, he knew this was wrong. Every cell of his body screamed at him that it was wrong.
But how wonderfully wrong it was; Satoshi found himself kissing back as passionately, hands clutching on Jun’s suit to give him a secure grip because his knees felt so weak. Jun caressed his cheek while his other hand was pulling their body flushed together, closer, but not quite. Satoshi wanted, needed, more. But it ended as quick as it started, and suddenly Jun pulled away and stared deeply at him, his eyes were sparkling from the light, their lips mere inches apart from each other as he whispered, “I missed you.”
Satoshi didn’t answer - he couldn’t, because he afraid that he was going to cry then. He felt a tight lump on his throat, slowly sliding down to his chest as he pushed Jun away gently. “I need to go back.” He managed to croak out then.
“Yeah.” Jun agreed. “But let me fix this for you.”
Satoshi watched as Jun fixed his loose tie for him; they were standing so close to each other that Satoshi could even smell the soft scent from Jun’s shampoo, and he inhaled it as he closed his eyes, burning the scent into his mind to remember later.
Jun kissed him once more, his lips soft and warm as he sighed against Satoshi’s, before he finally let go. “Go back to him.”
Satoshi started walking away from him then, his body trembling as he slowly made his way back to the hall.
He knew that Jun was still staring at him though.
It was pure luck that Sho hasn’t come back yet as Satoshi claimed his previous spot next to the table of champagne. He sat back down, took a glass, and he gulped it down to calm his nerves. His heart was pounding against his ribcage, his lips tingling from the kiss, his body trembling from the overwhelming desire.
But above all, he felt like crying.
When Sho came back, he had downed his second glass, though he still felt that it wasn’t enough - but Sho noticed that he has been drinking too much, and decided that it’d be best if they head home.
In the car, Sho asked, “Who fixed your tie?”
The lie came out as smooth as the water flowing in the river, “A kind lady fixed it for me.”
***
Satoshi declined all of Sho’s invitation to attend the party.
Sho noticed that something was wrong - of course he would, but Satoshi would never tell him why. How could he anyway? How could he explained that he was afraid of going because Jun might showed up and kissed him again, and then he’d lost all his common sense and left Sho alone? He didn’t want to hurt Sho again - he was already hurt enough as he was, but at the same time, he also didn’t want to hurt Jun. He knew that Jun was also hurting, that he still expected more from him, even more when Satoshi responded to his touch.
So it was better not to see him. He was afraid.
Satoshi was so caught up in all his wallowing and despair, that when Sho asked him out on a very sunny Sunday, he had declined outwardly. “I don’t want to.” He said rather curtly. “I just want to stay at home.”
He immediately felt bad for saying it because Sho looked so sad and dejected, but he really didn’t want to go anywhere. So he pulled his blanket to cover his face, and he decided that he’d just sleep in the bed all day - Sho could do anything he wanted, but he would never get Satoshi out from the bed.
Or so he thought, but then Sho came back into the room with a cup of tea, and he placed it without words on the nightstand before leaving the room again. Satoshi peeked from behind his blanket after a while, the scent of the tea tickling him, and his eyes watered when he saw that not only Sho made a tea for him, he also prepared the biscuits that he loved to eat while having tea.
How could he hurt him, really?
Satoshi finished his tea and the biscuits quietly, and then he made up the bed before he finally walked outside the room, where the strong scent of curry immediately greeted him. He hurried to the kitchen, and there, standing in front of the pot with a frown on his face was his husband; Sho stared with a confused look inside the pot that he kept on stirring, his eyes shifting from the recipe book and the pot, and Satoshi giggled at that. The sound made Sho turned his head around; he looked relieved that Satoshi was there, but at the same time he looked embarrassed. “I’ve never cooked curry.” He admitted.
“Let me help you then.” Satoshi said as he approached Sho to peek over the pot - which was mostly filled with brownish liquid that couldn’t even pass on as curry.
“But I want to make it for you.” Sho argued.
“Let’s just make it together.” Satoshi insisted - for the sake of the ingredients, mostly. “Okay?”
Sho smiled widely at him, and his heart fluttered a bit by that.
They ended up having to start all over again, but both didn’t seem to mind. They cooked together, and Satoshi immediately decided that Sho shall not make anything without him around - but they managed to make a delicious curry, and they have a very pleasant lunch in bed. In the end, they have to change the sheets because it got curry stains on it, but again, both didn’t seem to mind. Once they were done with washing the dishes, Sho asked him shyly to take a bath with him, and Satoshi couldn’t find it in him to say no. So in less than fifteen minutes, Satoshi got his back pressed against Sho in their bathtub; he was playing with the rubber duck, drowning it in and out in the foamy water, while Sho had this eternal smile etched on his face as he watched him in silence. They stayed until their fingers wrinkled, but both didn’t seem to mind, though Sho finally told him they have to get out soon because the water has turned cold. They helped washed each other out in the most innocent way possible, though Satoshi could see the way Sho looked at him, the longing in his eyes was as clear as the day.
So he thought that Sho wanted sex; they got out of the bathroom and put on their clothes, and then Sho left first. Satoshi thought he’d find him in the bedroom, but instead Sho was longing on the couch lazily as he flipped through the channels, and it was already as bizarre as it was, but Satoshi approached him anyway, falling into Sho’s embrace, and they watched one of his favorite variety show with Sho laughing his head off every single time. They did nothing for the rest of the day but that, and at night they ate the leftover of the curry, and when Satoshi thought that Sho’d probably wanted to have sex before bedtime, he didn’t. He only gathered Satoshi to his embrace, burying his face into his neck, and breathing evenly as he whispered again and again on how much he loved him.
And Satoshi lied there; eyes wide awake as he stared into the ceiling, and he let Sho’s words wrapped him tightly, like a cocoon, in which he fell asleep soundly, safely, warmly inside.
Maybe his father was finally right.
Maybe, love eventually happened.
***
Jun visited him after months of their ‘reunion’.
The man looked so out of place in his and Sho’s place; he was sitting on the couch where he used to cuddle with Sho at, and Jun’s eyes wouldn’t leave him, even when he was preparing the tea for him. The room was eerily silent but from the sound of Satoshi pouring the tea to the cup under Jun’s gaze; Sho wasn’t home yet, and although Satoshi thought that maybe he shouldn’t invite Jun in, he couldn’t possibly said it to his face. So he invited him in, eyes fixed on Jun’s new haircut, and now, having him sitting in front of him made him regret his decision. “Jun.” He began as he sat on the sofa next to him, but Jun started frowning, and he pat at the empty space on the couch, silently asking him to sit beside him.
Satoshi almost sighed, almost, but he finally sat beside him with a space between them. Jun was still frowning, but at least he relaxed a bit, and then he finally took the cup of tea and sipped it gracefully. Satoshi watched him did so, and after a while, he pressed again, “Jun, why are you here?”
“Am I not welcomed?” Jun asked instead, and Satoshi’s cheeks burned at that. He quickly averted his eyes, fingers clutching into his pants as he shook his head. “That’s not what I mean. I just… I wonder why you’re here now, that’s all.”
Jun didn’t answer immediately; he took another sip, slowly, as if he purposefully wanted to prolong his time here, before he finally put it down and sighed. “I think…” He started slowly. “I think I’ll marry the woman my father wanted me to.”
Satoshi turned his head to face him, his eyes widened at the news. “You -“
“Yeah.” Jun mumbled. “My father has been real noisy about it. So I guess I’ll marry this woman, and then I’ll take over my father’s company.”
Satoshi didn’t know what to say to that; a part of him wasn’t willing on letting Jun became someone else’s, but that wouldn’t be fair, would it? He has become Sho’s after all, and it wouldn’t be fair for Jun to remain alone, without anyone to love him.
So he sighed, and then he forced a smile. “I’m happy for you, Jun.”
Jun, however, looked angry once the words left Satoshi’s lips. He stared at Satoshi in disbelief, almost as if he was betrayed, and then he spat, “Is that it?”
Satoshi frowned. “What else do you want?”
Jun opened his mouth, closed it again, and then he shook his head as if he couldn’t believe it. “I told you that I’m going to get married to someone I don’t even love, and you’ll let me? You’re telling me that you’re happy for me?!” Jun was yelling now, and Satoshi was scared, but at the same time, he was also frustrated with the whole thing. “That’s bullshit, Satoshi!”
“Then what do you want me to say?!” Satoshi yelled back. “Do you want me to ask and beg you to not marry that woman? Do you want me to ask you to run away with me so we can live together and have our happily ever after? Is that it?!”
When Jun didn’t immediately answer, Satoshi realized then that it was exactly what he had wanted. Jun wanted him to tell him not to get married, Jun wanted him to ask him to love him like he used to, Jun wanted him to ask him to steal him away, but this time without giving him back to Sho.
Jun wanted all that, but Satoshi couldn’t give it to him, not anymore.
And he knew that Jun realized so, because then he reached out and pulled Satoshi closer to smash their lips together in desperation. Satoshi tried to push him away, but Jun was stronger than him, and soon enough he found his back pressed flat against the couch, and while the growing panic was there, he knew that he could never push Jun away from him, not when Jun was kissing him desperately like this. His chest swell with sadness, with pain, and he sobbed when Jun bit his lower lips, hard enough to draw blood, and then lapped on it rather apologetically as he continued to kiss him.
“Satoshi-kun.”
His heart dropped to the floor when he heard Sho’s voice; thankfully, Jun pulled away immediately from him when Sho called out for his name, and Satoshi immediately tried to sit up, though it was hard to do so when Jun was still straddling him. “Sho-chan.” He whispered in fear, even more when he couldn’t read his expressions. “Sho-chan, it’s not -“
“Jun.” Sho said instead then, though his voice was gentle, almost tired. “Please leave for now.”
Jun didn’t need to be asked twice. He immediately scrambled to his feet, and after throwing Satoshi an apologetic look, he left the two of them alone.
Satoshi didn’t dare to meet Sho’s gaze, so he ducked his face down, tears gathering at his eyes as he desperately tried to explain, “Sho-chan, it’s not like what you think, I swear. Jun is -“
“Satoshi-kun, can you please make me tea?” Sho cut him off softly. “I’ll wait for you in my work room - and please throw away that set.” He gestured to the tea set in the coffee table. “I don’t want to use that anymore.”
Sho didn’t leave any room for argument; he left Satoshi without saying anything anymore, and Satoshi did what he was told to, regardless of the fact that he got this tea set from Sho’s mother, a souvenir from China. He threw them to the trash bin, and then he made Sho his favorite tea with tears flowing down his cheeks. His hands were trembling as he brought the tray to Sho’s work room, but thankfully he didn’t spill anything, and he put them on Sho’s desk, quietly pouring them as Sho sat on his spinning chair, his suit and tie has been taken off, leaving him with his white shirt with the top unbuttoned. He mumbled a soft ‘thank you’ when Satoshi was done, and he immediately took a sip - it was supposed to be hot, but Satoshi guessed that when you were angry, that kind of thing went unnoticed. “Sho-chan.” He tried again. “I swear it’s not like that.”
“I know.” Sho replied; he put the tea down, but his eyes were fixed on the brown liquid. “I know, Satoshi.”
“What do you mean -“
“I know that you’ve always been in love with Jun.” Sho said solemnly. “Even when I first met you, I already had a hunch that you two are in love. But I was stubborn back then, and I decided that I wanted you, despite everything. I thought I could make you fall in love with me, that it’d be easy, especially when we are married. But it’s not easy at all.” He stared at Satoshi now, his eyes a bit glossy. “When I thought I already made you mine, I realized today that it wasn’t true. You still love him.”
Satoshi couldn’t say anything; he only stared at Sho with tears running down his cheeks.
“See?” Sho whispered then as he stood, walking around the table to get to Satoshi and caressed his cheeks gently. “All this time, I’ve made you suffer. You weren’t meant to me, but I closed my eyes at that, and for that, I really am sorry.” He rested his forehead against Satoshi’s, his warm breath sweeping against his wounded lips as he spoke, “That’s why, today, I’ll let you go. I’ll let you go, Satoshi-kun, because you deserved to be happy. But I want you to know - I want you to know that no matter what, I’ll still love you.” Sho breathlessly said, and his tears fell into Satoshi’s cheeks. “I love you so much - you’re the only one that I’ll ever loved this much.”
And then, he kissed him. Sho’s lips felt like a smooth blanket over his wounded lips, and Satoshi opened his mouth, hoping that Sho’d kiss him deeper, but Sho pulled away almost instantly, almost as if he was afraid. “You have to go now.” He whispered. “Leave now. Please.”
Satoshi stared at him for a long while, and with that, he was determined. Slowly, he took a step back, watching as Sho’s face crumbled in sadness as he did. And then he took another, and another, and then he turned away as he rushed to the door.
And he locked it.
When he turned around, Sho stared at him with widened eyes, but despite that, he could see the hopeful spark in them.
And Satoshi was going to give him that.
“Sho-chan.” He said softly. “I want you.”
Masquerade | Masquerade - Cracking | Masquerade - Closure
Pairing: Juntoshi/Yama
Genre: Angst, Drama, Romance
Rating: PG-13
Summary: His father told him that love eventually happened. But no one told Satoshi how much he had to struggle to make it happen, or if it really was going to happen after all.
Disclaimer: I'd never be able to own them, they're Johnny's
A/N: I have LOTS of plot I wanted to write, that I have to jot them down in my notes so I won't forget them LOL. There's the continuation of Looking for An Answer, of course, and then I feel like writing a Maou fic, and there's also a request, and of course, new chaptered fics involving Juntoshi this time! Having them piling up like that, I decided to finish this one first since I can't stop thinking about it LOL after that the series, and then the request/Maou...gah, how i wished i had lots of time to write! XD Anyway, this is a very long chapter (5k words or something?), because writing from Ohno's POV is always interesting LOL. Anyway, hope you'll enjoy! Will reply to comments when I have time! Thanks a lot for the support!
P.S: This is not the end!
His father had never hit him - until Sho came along.
He never expected him to do that either - but the moment Sho went home with the warmth of his lips lingering on Satoshi’s forehead, his father has demanded an explanation from Satoshi. The old man couldn’t quite fathom why Satoshi would ever need a time to think at all, “There was nothing to think off.” His father had said curtly while he cowered in fear, eyes staring frantically at the polished floor, where his expression was reflected back to him. “You just have to marry him.”
Satoshi had tried to come up with so many excuses, ‘it was too sudden’, ‘I didn’t want to get married so soon’, ‘I still want to study art abroad’ - but his father’s frown got deeper with every reason that slipped past his lips, and he countered it with the advantage of marrying Sakurai Sho, the son of the future Prime Minister. Satoshi had listened, or tried to, at least, but his mind sneered at his father’s words, a voice screaming from the back of his head,
“Then why don’t you marry him instead?”
It took him a while to realize that he had actually said the words to his father’s face, and he watched as his father’s face turned from shock, to realization, to rage, and then the back of his hand met Satoshi’s face, and he fell to the ground, cheeks stinging and eyes watery, but more because his father had hit him. His mother had shrieked and kneeled beside him, pulling him into a hug, and then she whispered, “Dear, it’s enough.”
But it wasn’t enough, of course. His father still stood tall before him, eyes throwing daggers at him before he said, “You’re talking back to me.”
Satoshi had to bit his lips because he had wanted to reply, you wanted me to get married with someone that I didn’t love at all.
“Must be that Matsumoto’s kid influence.” His father said then, and Satoshi perked up at that. “I never agreed you hanging out with him, that kid is such a bad influence - has always been.”
“Don’t talk about Jun like that!” Satoshi growled before he managed to stop himself; knowing that he was already in trouble as he was, he continued, “You didn’t know anything about Jun at all! He wasn’t a bad influence, he was -“
“A failure.” His father finished his words for him. “I know, Satoshi. I’ve heard from his father that Jun has no will at all to continue his company, that he wanted to ‘walk on his own’.” His father made a face at that, as if it was the most disgusting thing he has ever heard. “That aside, he always brings trouble to us. Remember that time when you got kidnapped by some filthy kids just because they have grudge against Jun -“
“That was a long time ago -“
“Exactly my point. You could already see how troublesome he was since the beginning -“
“Father.” Satoshi cut him off, because he couldn’t stand it - he couldn’t stand someone badmouthing Jun, even if it was his own father. “Just stop it. Please. Jun was nothing like that.”
His father raised his eyebrows; they stared at each other for a while, before his father finally looked away, as if seemingly deep in thought. “Anyway.” He mumbled. “I want you to accept Sho-kun’s proposal.”
“I can’t.” Satoshi whispered. “I can’t, father.”
“Why?”
“I don’t love him.”
His father let out a short laugh, but that was enough to embarrass Satoshi. “Love.” His father repeated mockingly. “It’ll happen, eventually. Sho-kun is in love with you after all. Isn’t it good, being loved -“
“But that’s the problem!” Satoshi was nearly screaming now - he was frustrated, and it seems like he couldn’t reason enough with his father. “I don’t love him, and it isn’t fair for him.” He sucked in breath, “And for me too! It’s not fair for me, because he’s not the one that I love!”
“Then who?” His father turned back to him, his voice icy and threatening as he took a step forward. “Is it Jun?”
Satoshi didn’t dare to answer, but that was enough answer for his father. Satoshi knew then that he was so done - his father’s lips was set into a tight line, his nostrils flaring and hands balled into fist as he addressed his mother, “Keiko, bring him up to his room and lock him up.”
“Dear -“
“Do it now.”
Satoshi thought of staying - it wasn’t fair, everything wasn’t. But his mother begged him to, and he had no choice but to drag himself up and slowly leaving the living room. Before he left, he saw his father calling someone, and it didn’t take a genius to find out who he was calling.
“Jun-kun? This is Satoshi’s father. Yes. No, my son is fine. I just wanted to tell you that Sho-kun has proposed him, and we’d gladly take him in as our son in law.”
And it hurts more to hear his father saying that, even more than his stinging cheek.
And sometimes, the thought came back at him in full force whenever Sho kissed his forehead.
It was a lovely gesture, of course, and Sho loved to kiss his forehead whenever he was leaving the house or whenever Satoshi woke up late in the morning - but what Sho didn’t know was that Satoshi rather have him kissing his lips or some other place, because whenever he kissed his forehead, his mind would jumped back to months ago, where his father has hit him, and how heartbroken he was. That night he had lost his trust for his father - that night was the start of him being locked up in his room for weeks while trying desperately to keep in contact with Jun by the secret notes that he entrusted to one of his maids. That night, when Sho proposed to him, was the start of so many bad things, and he’d rather not have to remember it each time.
But he could never tell Sho that - he could never tell Sho to stop kissing his forehead, because when Sho did, he did so with so much love, with a very gentle smile playing on his lips whenever it touched his forehead. And Satoshi felt like crying because Sho has been nothing but lovely and kind and gentle, and yet each time, he still wished that it’d be Jun who did that, that it’d be Jun he have to say ‘Take care’ and ‘Welcome home’ to every single day.
His father said that love eventually happened, but it has been months, and rather than happening, things seemed to start taking turns to the worst.
Because Sho knew - in a way, Satoshi realized that Sho knew. One day he came home and asked him whether he loved him, and then he started crying as he hugged Satoshi tight. Satoshi had cried too, because he had caused this man pain - that he had make him suffer by not returning his love, by making him realize that Satoshi has never been in love with him. To think that he have hurt someone whose love was so pure like Sho - the thought was so unbearable, and that night, as they lied next to each other in bed, Satoshi was thinking of running away. Maybe it’d be better if he was gone from everyone’s life - from Sho’s, from Jun’s, from his family’s.
Maybe it’d be better if he killed himself.
But he was a coward. Satoshi didn’t have the gut to leave the bed and get the sharp knife in the kitchen to stab himself with, or to get the rope they have kept in the storage room and hang himself with that as Sho lied asleep in bed, oblivious to his dark thoughts. He ran his hand on Sho’s face, fingers tracing his cheek bones, his plump lips, his eyelashes -
And he thought of trying.
He thought of trying to love him. Or faking it, at the very least. He decided that he’d be more eager, more loving, more caring.
That night, rather than killing himself, Satoshi decided to kill something else.
His feelings.
And it went well, somehow. Sho has been more cautious and careful ever since that night; he looked like a wounded animal, scared, unsure - he didn’t even know if he could touch Satoshi. In a way, Satoshi was responsible for that too, of course, so he was the one to offer himself to Sho. He was the one who initiated the touches, the hugs, the kisses, the sexes - it took him weeks before Sho was finally comfortable around him again. It took him weeks before Sho finally kissed his forehead again.
He never heard from Jun anymore, and he wasn’t sure if it was good or not. Maybe it was good, because that way Satoshi could focus all his attention towards Sho.
But then again, he’d be lying if he said he didn’t miss him.
Sho rarely gave him time to remember about Jun these days though - these days, they’ve been going out for lots of parties. His father was really running for the election to be the Prime Minister, so of course they were getting busy - lots of parties to attend, lots of people to impress. Satoshi hated that that kind of parties, though it didn’t mean that he didn’t know anything. Sho was a talker, and he often talked about politics at home, and even though Satoshi looked like he didn’t give a damn about it, he did. He absorbed everything that Sho told him, and in return, he managed to impress the guests at the party with his knowledge. That night, Satoshi felt his chest swelling with proud because he has proven himself to them - that he wasn’t that kind of dolled up and useless spouses, and Sho couldn’t stop grinning as he held Satoshi’s hand tight for the rest of the night; they ended up having rushed sex in the car though, because Sho said, “You look so sexy when you shut them up with your knowledge, and I can’t stand it.”
That was one of the sexes where Satoshi didn’t feel like he was raped - much.
But thanks to that, he found the parties to be more bearable. He rarely complained now if Sho asked him to accompany him to a party, and all he said was simply, “Which color of tie should I wear?” which Sho’d be more than glad to help him with. That night, too, Sho had asked him to accompany him, and Satoshi nodded, took a quick shower, and then grabbed one of his suits that were ready to wear in the closet while Sho picked the color of the tie to him. As Sho tied it for him - though they both usually did poorly on it and have to get Sho’s mother to fix it for them later - Satoshi thought that maybe it could work. That maybe, they really could live together like this. Satoshi wasn’t sure whether he’d fall in love with Sho someday, but they were off to something good.
Or he believed so, until he saw Jun at the party.
He was sitting alone, next to a table full of champagne while Sho was off to accompany his father to meet some kind of important guest. Satoshi didn’t like the usual tension one would get for meeting someone from a higher rank, so he decided that he’d just wait for Sho. His husband has shot him an apologetic look before leaving Satoshi alone, but Satoshi didn’t mind. He flopped into one of available chairs, took a glass of champagne, and he sipped it leisurely as he observed the room. This reminded him of the masquerade party; the night where he managed to slip off from his father’s grip only because he said firsthand that he agreed on marrying Sho if his father let him attended that party. Surprisingly, he did; perhaps it was guilt, or perhaps his father was too pleased, but either way Satoshi managed to attend the masquerade party and let Jun stole him away for a night.
And now, sitting alone like this, he almost felt like he was back to that masquerade party.
And to add to it, someone was suddenly looming over him. He thought it was Sho, and when he looked up to greet him, his eyes widened.
Because it was Jun - standing before him was Jun.
Before he could say anything, Jun took the glass of champagne from his hands and placed it on the table, and then he pulled Satoshi’s hand, forcing him to stand on his feet and getting dragged by him. Satoshi knew that he shouldn’t, that Sho could come back anytime; but he remained silent as they made their way through the crowd, bumping into people, out of the hall and into the empty hallway.
Just like that night.
Only this time, Jun wasn’t patient enough to look for a room. He stopped abruptly in the hallway, turned around to Satoshi and backed him up against the wall, and then he devoured his lips.
Again, he knew this was wrong. Every cell of his body screamed at him that it was wrong.
But how wonderfully wrong it was; Satoshi found himself kissing back as passionately, hands clutching on Jun’s suit to give him a secure grip because his knees felt so weak. Jun caressed his cheek while his other hand was pulling their body flushed together, closer, but not quite. Satoshi wanted, needed, more. But it ended as quick as it started, and suddenly Jun pulled away and stared deeply at him, his eyes were sparkling from the light, their lips mere inches apart from each other as he whispered, “I missed you.”
Satoshi didn’t answer - he couldn’t, because he afraid that he was going to cry then. He felt a tight lump on his throat, slowly sliding down to his chest as he pushed Jun away gently. “I need to go back.” He managed to croak out then.
“Yeah.” Jun agreed. “But let me fix this for you.”
Satoshi watched as Jun fixed his loose tie for him; they were standing so close to each other that Satoshi could even smell the soft scent from Jun’s shampoo, and he inhaled it as he closed his eyes, burning the scent into his mind to remember later.
Jun kissed him once more, his lips soft and warm as he sighed against Satoshi’s, before he finally let go. “Go back to him.”
Satoshi started walking away from him then, his body trembling as he slowly made his way back to the hall.
He knew that Jun was still staring at him though.
It was pure luck that Sho hasn’t come back yet as Satoshi claimed his previous spot next to the table of champagne. He sat back down, took a glass, and he gulped it down to calm his nerves. His heart was pounding against his ribcage, his lips tingling from the kiss, his body trembling from the overwhelming desire.
But above all, he felt like crying.
When Sho came back, he had downed his second glass, though he still felt that it wasn’t enough - but Sho noticed that he has been drinking too much, and decided that it’d be best if they head home.
In the car, Sho asked, “Who fixed your tie?”
The lie came out as smooth as the water flowing in the river, “A kind lady fixed it for me.”
***
Satoshi declined all of Sho’s invitation to attend the party.
Sho noticed that something was wrong - of course he would, but Satoshi would never tell him why. How could he anyway? How could he explained that he was afraid of going because Jun might showed up and kissed him again, and then he’d lost all his common sense and left Sho alone? He didn’t want to hurt Sho again - he was already hurt enough as he was, but at the same time, he also didn’t want to hurt Jun. He knew that Jun was also hurting, that he still expected more from him, even more when Satoshi responded to his touch.
So it was better not to see him. He was afraid.
Satoshi was so caught up in all his wallowing and despair, that when Sho asked him out on a very sunny Sunday, he had declined outwardly. “I don’t want to.” He said rather curtly. “I just want to stay at home.”
He immediately felt bad for saying it because Sho looked so sad and dejected, but he really didn’t want to go anywhere. So he pulled his blanket to cover his face, and he decided that he’d just sleep in the bed all day - Sho could do anything he wanted, but he would never get Satoshi out from the bed.
Or so he thought, but then Sho came back into the room with a cup of tea, and he placed it without words on the nightstand before leaving the room again. Satoshi peeked from behind his blanket after a while, the scent of the tea tickling him, and his eyes watered when he saw that not only Sho made a tea for him, he also prepared the biscuits that he loved to eat while having tea.
How could he hurt him, really?
Satoshi finished his tea and the biscuits quietly, and then he made up the bed before he finally walked outside the room, where the strong scent of curry immediately greeted him. He hurried to the kitchen, and there, standing in front of the pot with a frown on his face was his husband; Sho stared with a confused look inside the pot that he kept on stirring, his eyes shifting from the recipe book and the pot, and Satoshi giggled at that. The sound made Sho turned his head around; he looked relieved that Satoshi was there, but at the same time he looked embarrassed. “I’ve never cooked curry.” He admitted.
“Let me help you then.” Satoshi said as he approached Sho to peek over the pot - which was mostly filled with brownish liquid that couldn’t even pass on as curry.
“But I want to make it for you.” Sho argued.
“Let’s just make it together.” Satoshi insisted - for the sake of the ingredients, mostly. “Okay?”
Sho smiled widely at him, and his heart fluttered a bit by that.
They ended up having to start all over again, but both didn’t seem to mind. They cooked together, and Satoshi immediately decided that Sho shall not make anything without him around - but they managed to make a delicious curry, and they have a very pleasant lunch in bed. In the end, they have to change the sheets because it got curry stains on it, but again, both didn’t seem to mind. Once they were done with washing the dishes, Sho asked him shyly to take a bath with him, and Satoshi couldn’t find it in him to say no. So in less than fifteen minutes, Satoshi got his back pressed against Sho in their bathtub; he was playing with the rubber duck, drowning it in and out in the foamy water, while Sho had this eternal smile etched on his face as he watched him in silence. They stayed until their fingers wrinkled, but both didn’t seem to mind, though Sho finally told him they have to get out soon because the water has turned cold. They helped washed each other out in the most innocent way possible, though Satoshi could see the way Sho looked at him, the longing in his eyes was as clear as the day.
So he thought that Sho wanted sex; they got out of the bathroom and put on their clothes, and then Sho left first. Satoshi thought he’d find him in the bedroom, but instead Sho was longing on the couch lazily as he flipped through the channels, and it was already as bizarre as it was, but Satoshi approached him anyway, falling into Sho’s embrace, and they watched one of his favorite variety show with Sho laughing his head off every single time. They did nothing for the rest of the day but that, and at night they ate the leftover of the curry, and when Satoshi thought that Sho’d probably wanted to have sex before bedtime, he didn’t. He only gathered Satoshi to his embrace, burying his face into his neck, and breathing evenly as he whispered again and again on how much he loved him.
And Satoshi lied there; eyes wide awake as he stared into the ceiling, and he let Sho’s words wrapped him tightly, like a cocoon, in which he fell asleep soundly, safely, warmly inside.
Maybe his father was finally right.
Maybe, love eventually happened.
***
Jun visited him after months of their ‘reunion’.
The man looked so out of place in his and Sho’s place; he was sitting on the couch where he used to cuddle with Sho at, and Jun’s eyes wouldn’t leave him, even when he was preparing the tea for him. The room was eerily silent but from the sound of Satoshi pouring the tea to the cup under Jun’s gaze; Sho wasn’t home yet, and although Satoshi thought that maybe he shouldn’t invite Jun in, he couldn’t possibly said it to his face. So he invited him in, eyes fixed on Jun’s new haircut, and now, having him sitting in front of him made him regret his decision. “Jun.” He began as he sat on the sofa next to him, but Jun started frowning, and he pat at the empty space on the couch, silently asking him to sit beside him.
Satoshi almost sighed, almost, but he finally sat beside him with a space between them. Jun was still frowning, but at least he relaxed a bit, and then he finally took the cup of tea and sipped it gracefully. Satoshi watched him did so, and after a while, he pressed again, “Jun, why are you here?”
“Am I not welcomed?” Jun asked instead, and Satoshi’s cheeks burned at that. He quickly averted his eyes, fingers clutching into his pants as he shook his head. “That’s not what I mean. I just… I wonder why you’re here now, that’s all.”
Jun didn’t answer immediately; he took another sip, slowly, as if he purposefully wanted to prolong his time here, before he finally put it down and sighed. “I think…” He started slowly. “I think I’ll marry the woman my father wanted me to.”
Satoshi turned his head to face him, his eyes widened at the news. “You -“
“Yeah.” Jun mumbled. “My father has been real noisy about it. So I guess I’ll marry this woman, and then I’ll take over my father’s company.”
Satoshi didn’t know what to say to that; a part of him wasn’t willing on letting Jun became someone else’s, but that wouldn’t be fair, would it? He has become Sho’s after all, and it wouldn’t be fair for Jun to remain alone, without anyone to love him.
So he sighed, and then he forced a smile. “I’m happy for you, Jun.”
Jun, however, looked angry once the words left Satoshi’s lips. He stared at Satoshi in disbelief, almost as if he was betrayed, and then he spat, “Is that it?”
Satoshi frowned. “What else do you want?”
Jun opened his mouth, closed it again, and then he shook his head as if he couldn’t believe it. “I told you that I’m going to get married to someone I don’t even love, and you’ll let me? You’re telling me that you’re happy for me?!” Jun was yelling now, and Satoshi was scared, but at the same time, he was also frustrated with the whole thing. “That’s bullshit, Satoshi!”
“Then what do you want me to say?!” Satoshi yelled back. “Do you want me to ask and beg you to not marry that woman? Do you want me to ask you to run away with me so we can live together and have our happily ever after? Is that it?!”
When Jun didn’t immediately answer, Satoshi realized then that it was exactly what he had wanted. Jun wanted him to tell him not to get married, Jun wanted him to ask him to love him like he used to, Jun wanted him to ask him to steal him away, but this time without giving him back to Sho.
Jun wanted all that, but Satoshi couldn’t give it to him, not anymore.
And he knew that Jun realized so, because then he reached out and pulled Satoshi closer to smash their lips together in desperation. Satoshi tried to push him away, but Jun was stronger than him, and soon enough he found his back pressed flat against the couch, and while the growing panic was there, he knew that he could never push Jun away from him, not when Jun was kissing him desperately like this. His chest swell with sadness, with pain, and he sobbed when Jun bit his lower lips, hard enough to draw blood, and then lapped on it rather apologetically as he continued to kiss him.
“Satoshi-kun.”
His heart dropped to the floor when he heard Sho’s voice; thankfully, Jun pulled away immediately from him when Sho called out for his name, and Satoshi immediately tried to sit up, though it was hard to do so when Jun was still straddling him. “Sho-chan.” He whispered in fear, even more when he couldn’t read his expressions. “Sho-chan, it’s not -“
“Jun.” Sho said instead then, though his voice was gentle, almost tired. “Please leave for now.”
Jun didn’t need to be asked twice. He immediately scrambled to his feet, and after throwing Satoshi an apologetic look, he left the two of them alone.
Satoshi didn’t dare to meet Sho’s gaze, so he ducked his face down, tears gathering at his eyes as he desperately tried to explain, “Sho-chan, it’s not like what you think, I swear. Jun is -“
“Satoshi-kun, can you please make me tea?” Sho cut him off softly. “I’ll wait for you in my work room - and please throw away that set.” He gestured to the tea set in the coffee table. “I don’t want to use that anymore.”
Sho didn’t leave any room for argument; he left Satoshi without saying anything anymore, and Satoshi did what he was told to, regardless of the fact that he got this tea set from Sho’s mother, a souvenir from China. He threw them to the trash bin, and then he made Sho his favorite tea with tears flowing down his cheeks. His hands were trembling as he brought the tray to Sho’s work room, but thankfully he didn’t spill anything, and he put them on Sho’s desk, quietly pouring them as Sho sat on his spinning chair, his suit and tie has been taken off, leaving him with his white shirt with the top unbuttoned. He mumbled a soft ‘thank you’ when Satoshi was done, and he immediately took a sip - it was supposed to be hot, but Satoshi guessed that when you were angry, that kind of thing went unnoticed. “Sho-chan.” He tried again. “I swear it’s not like that.”
“I know.” Sho replied; he put the tea down, but his eyes were fixed on the brown liquid. “I know, Satoshi.”
“What do you mean -“
“I know that you’ve always been in love with Jun.” Sho said solemnly. “Even when I first met you, I already had a hunch that you two are in love. But I was stubborn back then, and I decided that I wanted you, despite everything. I thought I could make you fall in love with me, that it’d be easy, especially when we are married. But it’s not easy at all.” He stared at Satoshi now, his eyes a bit glossy. “When I thought I already made you mine, I realized today that it wasn’t true. You still love him.”
Satoshi couldn’t say anything; he only stared at Sho with tears running down his cheeks.
“See?” Sho whispered then as he stood, walking around the table to get to Satoshi and caressed his cheeks gently. “All this time, I’ve made you suffer. You weren’t meant to me, but I closed my eyes at that, and for that, I really am sorry.” He rested his forehead against Satoshi’s, his warm breath sweeping against his wounded lips as he spoke, “That’s why, today, I’ll let you go. I’ll let you go, Satoshi-kun, because you deserved to be happy. But I want you to know - I want you to know that no matter what, I’ll still love you.” Sho breathlessly said, and his tears fell into Satoshi’s cheeks. “I love you so much - you’re the only one that I’ll ever loved this much.”
And then, he kissed him. Sho’s lips felt like a smooth blanket over his wounded lips, and Satoshi opened his mouth, hoping that Sho’d kiss him deeper, but Sho pulled away almost instantly, almost as if he was afraid. “You have to go now.” He whispered. “Leave now. Please.”
Satoshi stared at him for a long while, and with that, he was determined. Slowly, he took a step back, watching as Sho’s face crumbled in sadness as he did. And then he took another, and another, and then he turned away as he rushed to the door.
And he locked it.
When he turned around, Sho stared at him with widened eyes, but despite that, he could see the hopeful spark in them.
And Satoshi was going to give him that.
“Sho-chan.” He said softly. “I want you.”
Masquerade | Masquerade - Cracking | Masquerade - Closure