To Be or Not To Be; That's the Question
HOLA! I'm finally back from the innermost circle of hell~
If you want to know how I've been (and also why I have those as the subject), go ahead and click down here!
So! 6th semester! I've heard from some seniors that the 6th semester is the most hellish semester ever exist in the Law faculty in my university, but I kinda take it with a grain of salt because, meh, seniors. They love to make us overworried right? I thought so too, until I experienced it by myself.
Guys, the reason why I was nowhere to be found for months was because I've tasted how hell on earth feels like.
I am in no way kidding; I've got TWO trial simulations, but lets not forget about other assignments, reports, and exams that I have to do. I have to freeload at my friend's place for almost 2 months because coming home has become nearly impossible but for weekend, but even that was sometimes too much! I've got classes from 2 pm until 7 pm, and then I've got to prepare for the trials - I have to prepare the papers, I have to train for the trials, and believe me that...was torture. I rarely got any time to sleep. It was a miracle if I could get any sleep at 2 am, but mostly, usually, I only managed to sleep at 4am, and then I have to wake up in the morning to finish any assignments I got for the day. There was even time where I have to stay in the faculty from 2 pm until 9 am in the morning WITHOUT any sleep to finish the papers needed for the trials before I rushed back to my friend's place to get 3 hours of sleep because the trial is at 6 PM. God lord that was really stresful, seriously, and at times my stomach hurt and I got sick from all the pressure. I sometimes wondered how I managed to get through that hell.
Or not. Just kidding. I know exactly why I managed to survive. The team I was in was a gift from heaven. Without them, I would never be able to survive, seriously. I've shared my pain, my worries, and also my tears with them for so many nights, and I knew that I've found my friends for life. I know that for sure.
Also, there's this...one guy. So well, actually we have a lot of history. I knew him ever since the first semester, and we've gotten really close once and at one time I was sure he was going to confess (though he didn't.) At that time, I did something really really mean - I walked away from him. I'm not sure why, but at that time I really am not so sure of being with him, I feel like I didnt know him very well, so I did the most cowardice thing ever: I stopped talking to him. We drifted apart then, and I never really talked to him until now. We've got into the same team, and at first I was like 'oh okay'. I was sure that,at the very least, we'd just be friends again, but I was so wrong. Being together with him for months make me see him in a completely brand new light; I saw the way he lead the team, the way he guided us without fail every night (because he was the one with the most experience in the team), how hardworking he was, how different he was when he was working and when he was talking to me, the way he treated me - sure, he wasn't the best guy out there, but during those nights of talking quietly together while the others are asleep, I finally realized what I've been missing out. I finally realized that I was such a fool, and I finally realized that I, well, like him. A lot. And I kinda apologized to him for what I did back then, and he also apologized for not trying hard enough to make me fall for him (which is stupid because I'm completely in the wrong here). So we're kinda starting it all over again. Yes.
Which lead to this.
I am not sure if I will be keeping this LJ. Well, what I'm trying to say is, I'm not sure if I still want to write fics. I've kept it hidden from everyone that I'm writing fics, and its getting kind of tiring to do so. Also, the idea of hiding this fact from that guy has been stressing me out the most - and coming out about this wasnt an option because...just because. Not only him, but also from friends, family....gosh if my mom ever find out I'll be kicked out from the house for sure. So...i dont know. I did a loooot of thinking and until now I still am not sure whether to delete this LJ or not. Well, if i do chances are I'll make a new LJ so I'll be able to stick around, but I won't be positng any fics anymore to LJ (maybe I will still post to AO3...but then again I'm not sure). At the moment I am a ball of unmade decision, and I keep thinking and thinking and thinking... and I am still thinking!
I'll keep you guys posted about what my decision will be! But don't worry, for now I'll stay and keep on writing! <3
If you want to know how I've been (and also why I have those as the subject), go ahead and click down here!
So! 6th semester! I've heard from some seniors that the 6th semester is the most hellish semester ever exist in the Law faculty in my university, but I kinda take it with a grain of salt because, meh, seniors. They love to make us overworried right? I thought so too, until I experienced it by myself.
Guys, the reason why I was nowhere to be found for months was because I've tasted how hell on earth feels like.
I am in no way kidding; I've got TWO trial simulations, but lets not forget about other assignments, reports, and exams that I have to do. I have to freeload at my friend's place for almost 2 months because coming home has become nearly impossible but for weekend, but even that was sometimes too much! I've got classes from 2 pm until 7 pm, and then I've got to prepare for the trials - I have to prepare the papers, I have to train for the trials, and believe me that...was torture. I rarely got any time to sleep. It was a miracle if I could get any sleep at 2 am, but mostly, usually, I only managed to sleep at 4am, and then I have to wake up in the morning to finish any assignments I got for the day. There was even time where I have to stay in the faculty from 2 pm until 9 am in the morning WITHOUT any sleep to finish the papers needed for the trials before I rushed back to my friend's place to get 3 hours of sleep because the trial is at 6 PM. God lord that was really stresful, seriously, and at times my stomach hurt and I got sick from all the pressure. I sometimes wondered how I managed to get through that hell.
Or not. Just kidding. I know exactly why I managed to survive. The team I was in was a gift from heaven. Without them, I would never be able to survive, seriously. I've shared my pain, my worries, and also my tears with them for so many nights, and I knew that I've found my friends for life. I know that for sure.
Also, there's this...one guy. So well, actually we have a lot of history. I knew him ever since the first semester, and we've gotten really close once and at one time I was sure he was going to confess (though he didn't.) At that time, I did something really really mean - I walked away from him. I'm not sure why, but at that time I really am not so sure of being with him, I feel like I didnt know him very well, so I did the most cowardice thing ever: I stopped talking to him. We drifted apart then, and I never really talked to him until now. We've got into the same team, and at first I was like 'oh okay'. I was sure that,at the very least, we'd just be friends again, but I was so wrong. Being together with him for months make me see him in a completely brand new light; I saw the way he lead the team, the way he guided us without fail every night (because he was the one with the most experience in the team), how hardworking he was, how different he was when he was working and when he was talking to me, the way he treated me - sure, he wasn't the best guy out there, but during those nights of talking quietly together while the others are asleep, I finally realized what I've been missing out. I finally realized that I was such a fool, and I finally realized that I, well, like him. A lot. And I kinda apologized to him for what I did back then, and he also apologized for not trying hard enough to make me fall for him (which is stupid because I'm completely in the wrong here). So we're kinda starting it all over again. Yes.
Which lead to this.
I am not sure if I will be keeping this LJ. Well, what I'm trying to say is, I'm not sure if I still want to write fics. I've kept it hidden from everyone that I'm writing fics, and its getting kind of tiring to do so. Also, the idea of hiding this fact from that guy has been stressing me out the most - and coming out about this wasnt an option because...just because. Not only him, but also from friends, family....gosh if my mom ever find out I'll be kicked out from the house for sure. So...i dont know. I did a loooot of thinking and until now I still am not sure whether to delete this LJ or not. Well, if i do chances are I'll make a new LJ so I'll be able to stick around, but I won't be positng any fics anymore to LJ (maybe I will still post to AO3...but then again I'm not sure). At the moment I am a ball of unmade decision, and I keep thinking and thinking and thinking... and I am still thinking!
I'll keep you guys posted about what my decision will be! But don't worry, for now I'll stay and keep on writing! <3