I definately have too much time on my hands.
As New Year slowly moved past them, they both got back into their daily routines. The coffee shop opened again, as did the magazine’s office, and so both of them were back at work. Kurt came in daily for his cappuccino, and sang every Saturday without fail. Living together was fine. It was great. Kurt was a fantastic cook, and he was teaching Finn. He could cook pasta and sauce now, and often did if he got home first, much to Kurt’s pride.
Both of them remained stubbornly, desperately single. Kurt went out sometimes with friends from his work, but Finn mostly stayed at the apartment.
“You should make up with Puck and Quinn,” Kurt said one night over their pasta and sauce.
“Why? They lied to me,” Finn said around a mouthful of food.
“Because they are your friends, Finn. You’ve known them for a long time. And besides, it isn’t good for you to be sitting around here every night. Make up with them and go out. Find a new girl,” Kurt smiled. Finn laughed.
“Yeah, I suppose you are right. And I have known them a long time. Okay, okay, I’ll ring them later. Happy now?” Finn asked. Kurt beamed.
“Very,” he said.
Finn rang his old number, and Quinn answered. It took him a while to convince her that he meant it, that he was sincere, but he finally did, and they made plans to go out a few days later.
“There. I have made plans. I am not the strange man sitting alone in your apartment anymore,” Finn laughed. Kurt just rolled his eyes.
“No, you aren’t. Now please be quiet, American Idol is on.”
“Why do you even watch that show?”
“I’ve no idea, but it is stupidly addictive.”
“Want some company?”
Kurt looked up at him and grinned.
“If you can make it through an entire episode without complaining, feel free to join me.”
And so Finn did. And for once, he made it through an entire episode without complaining, and he did it for Kurt, because Kurt had given him his best friends back.
----
Finn loved having Puck and Quinn back. Kurt was great, he really was, but it was nothing like hanging with people who had know you for years. And while sometimes it felt like Finn had known Kurt for years - in the best way possible - he hadn’t even known him for one yet. In fact, it hadn’t even been six months since Kurt had first walked into the coffee shop. It seemed weird that they were living together now. Kurt paid no rent, since he owned his flat, but Finn insisted on helping pay the bills and helping buy the groceries. They worked well together, even though they had completely different tastes. Somehow, they just clicked.
Going out with Quinn and Puck was fun, even though Quinn couldn’t drink. But they still had fun, and often went to the movies or bowling or something, somewhere where he and Puck didn’t drink, either, so she didn’t feel so left out. Finn still did things with Kurt, went out and watched movies and stuff, but it felt good to have his old friends back. Really good.
Finn often arrived home before Kurt, and he had decided that for once he was going to cook something that wasn’t pasta and sauce, and so was attempting to cook a stir fry. He wasn’t doing too badly, either, even if he did say so himself. Nothing had caught on fire, anyway.
He was just plating up when he heard the door slam, and moments later Kurt appeared in the kitchen doorway.
“Look! I made stir fry!” Finn said proudly. Kurt beamed at him.
“Great! That’s great, Finn! But…uhm…I’m going out tonight,” Kurt said. Finn frowned.
“You didn’t say anything before,” he said. Kurt smiled shyly, a faint blush playing over his cheeks.
“That’s because I was only asked today. One of the new models, his name is Gabriel, asked me out to dinner. I said yes,” Kurt said dreamily.
“But…Friday nights are movie nights,” Finn said plaintively. Kurt sighed.
“I know. But this is the first date I’ve had since I’ve been here, Finn. And I like this guy. He isn’t the one I’m really interested in, but he’s handsome and sweet and he likes me. What’s not to like? You can last one movie night without me, right?” Kurt asked. Finn looked at him. He looked so happy and excited. How could he deny his friend some happiness?
“Of course. You have fun.”
“Thanks, Finn!”
Kurt danced off to his room, then to the bathroom. Finn heard the shower start and, sighing sadly, scraped all the stir fry he had made onto his own plate, then sat down at the small dining table to eat it. It didn’t taste as good as he’d hoped.
Kurt appeared two hours later, clean and smelling nice - Finn could smell him across the room - and all dressed up. He was wearing a white button up shirt with a royal blue sweater over it, and a pair of pants so dark a blue they almost looked black. He had on black leather shoes and around his neck he had wound a small white scarf. Finn was almost entirely certain that Kurt had a hidden room off his bedroom in which he kept all his clothes - there was no other way he could have so many.
Finn was also almost entirely certain he had never seen anyone look better.
“So,” Kurt asked, adjusting his perfect hair in the mirror and turning to face Finn, smiling. “How do I look?”
Finn looked at him. He looked wonderful. He looked perfect and heart breaking and Finn felt a rush of emotions flood him. Hurt, want, anger, affection. It took him a moment to realise it was jealousy. He was jealous of this Gabriel, a man he had never met. It was all too weird.
“You look great,” he said. Kurt beamed at him.
“Thanks, Finn. Don’t wait up for me, okay?”
And with that, Kurt left.
Finn ended up watching the movie on his own. He stared at the spot on his chest where Kurt’s head usually rested, and his hand itched to stroke the soft strands of Kurt’s hair. He felt an emptiness in his chest, a sense of loss that struck him hard. He didn’t want to be friends with Kurt anymore, but Kurt had found someone.
Finn had lost him.
----
Kurt got home at about midnight. Finn was in bed, so he crept in quietly and went to his room, changing and doing his night time skin care routine before going to bed. He curled up and smiled to himself.
Gabriel had taken him to a nice restaurant, nice but not too showy. He wasn’t the brightest crayon on the box, but he could hold his own in a conversation. He was sweet and funny and definitely very good looking.
And while he was no Finn Hudson, Kurt was pleased that he was taking the first tentative steps towards getting over his crush on his friend.
----
Kurt was with Gabriel for three months before he finally introduced him to Finn.
“I thought I would bring Gabriel around on Saturday,” Kurt said one Thursday night over dinner. Finn looked at him and nodded. He still hadn’t quite come to terms with his feelings for Kurt, and while Kurt was so happy with Gabriel Finn wasn’t going to say anything.
“Sure,” Finn said. They also hadn’t missed another movie night, and Kurt still curled up against Finn, and Finn still stroked his hair. It gave Finn hope, even though he knew it was pointless.
And so it was with that that Finn found himself sitting on a chair while Kurt and Gabriel sat on the couch. They weren’t even being that affectionate, just holding hands and sitting close, but every so often Finn saw Gabriel’s thumb swipe across the back of Kurt’s hand. That little gesture was enough to send jealousy coursing powerfully through Finn’s veins - he wanted that. He wanted to be able to touch Kurt, to kiss him, to hold him. He wanted it all, but he couldn’t have it. And Gabriel could.
And it wasn’t even like Finn could hate the guy! Gabriel was perfectly polite. He was charming and engaging and wasn’t all that bright, maybe, but then again, neither was Finn. And he was good looking - there was no denying that. Gabriel looked like Finn imagined the angel he was named after did - he was tall and broad, with a crown of golden hair and big blue eyes. He was a male model, so of course he was gorgeous. Finn was willing to bet that he wasn’t too bad under his clothes, either, and couldn’t help but wonder just how much, exactly, Kurt had seen of Gabriel’s body. He abruptly stopped that train of thought, because the idea of Kurt and Gabriel naked together made him feel physically sick.
“So, Finn, Kurt tells me you sing?” Gabriel asked. He was from England originally, and his tones were clipped and neat. He had a wonderful accent.
“Uh…yeah. Not as well as he does, though,” Finn said, twisting his glass in his hands absently.
“Yes, well. Kurt is unusually talented, isn’t he?” Gabriel asked, smiling down at Kurt, revealing perfect pearly whites. Kurt blushed lightly but beamed at the compliment.
“He certainly is,” Finn said softly, sipping at his drink.
They talked and watched a movie and then Gabriel left.
“Well, it was a pleasure meeting you, Finn,” he said, shaking Finn’s hand and smiling. Finn smiled back. He could never compete with someone like Gabriel.
“It was good to meet you, too,” he said.
Gabriel turned to Kurt and smiled, wrapping his arms around him. Finn turned away as they kissed, jealously spiking through him like a sword. And then, with a final waft of expensive cologne, Gabriel was gone.
“So? What do you think of him?” Kurt asked nervously. Finn smiled.
“I think he’s a good guy, Kurt, and you seem happy.”
“Yeah. Yeah, I am happy.”
“Then I approve.”
Kurt beamed at him, and Finn felt like his older, over protective brother.
----
Kurt continued to see Gabriel, and he continued to seem happy. It hurt Finn, wanting from afar, but it was all he had. He had a few flings - all with girls, who he still liked rather a lot. In fact, he found that Kurt was the only male he liked, really. Or was interested in romantically, at least. It was weird for him, but he was slowly beginning to accept it - but nothing that lasted more than a month at the outside. Kurt seemed worried about him, but never said anything, just let Finn get on with it. Finn was grateful for that, if nothing else.
Everything was running smoothly, or as smoothly as it ever had, until Finn fell ill.
He was fine one day, and then the next he was coughing and throwing up and had a sore throat and couldn’t stop sneezing.
“Oh, Finn! I’ll call in and say I need some time off so I can take care of you,” Kurt said, already fussing as Finn lay sprawled on the sofa.
“Kurt, no! I’ll be fine! Honest!” Finn protested. Kurt merely shook his head.
“Don’t be so silly! I am not leaving you here alone when you are like this,” he said. Finn just sighed.
“Fine. Thanks, Kurt,” Finn said.
“You’re welcome. After all, what are friends for?”
Finn sighed.
“Yeah, friends,” he whispered, so softly that Kurt couldn’t hear him.
----
Kurt made Finn chicken soup - from scratch, like his mom always used to - and gave him medicine and pottered around cleaning and stroking Finn’s hair - he was right, it was nice to have your hair stroked - and pressing a cool flannel to Finn’s clammy forehead. It was nice having him there, and Finn realised that he wouldn’t have done so well if Kurt hadn’t been there. In fact, he would probably rarely have moved from the couch where he stationed himself every day after he got up. He drank inordinate amounts of tea and went to the bathroom, but that was about as far as he went.
They watched a lot of movies, since there was little else to do. Kurt always told Finn he could choose, but he sometimes insisted that Kurt did because he knew how much Kurt hated action films. And mostly he didn’t like the films Kurt picked, but they didn’t complain.
Kurt cancelled on Gabriel one night. Finn had been insistent that he was to go out, but just as Kurt had been about to leave, Finn had convulsed and throw up over himself and the sofa. Kurt had recoiled, but sent Finn to the shower and put on some rubber gloves to clean the couch. He had told Gabriel he couldn’t make it, and Gabriel had understood.
The second time, he wasn’t quite so understanding, but had eventually acquiesced - there was nothing he could do, he knew, that would change Kurt’s mind.
But the third time resulted in a shouting match down the phone.
“This is the third time in two weeks you have cancelled on me!” Gabriel snapped.
“Finn needs me, Gabriel! He’s still really ill. I can’t leave him like this. He might fall asleep and choke on his own vomit or something!”
“Do you know how unlikely that is?”
“Well, yes, but still. I’d feel guilty all night if I left him here alone while he’s like this, and so I’d be terrible company. He’s much better than he was, Gabriel. I am sure he’ll be better next week. Please, he needs me. He’s my best friend - I need to be there for him.”
“Sometimes, Kurt, I am sure that you care more for him that you do for me.”
“Gabriel! That’s not it and you know it. If you were ill, I’d call everything off and look after you, too. He needs me, Gabriel. He needs someone to take care of him, and I am going to be that person.”
“I see the way you look at him, Kurt. I know you love him.”
“I had a crush on him once, I grant you. That was a long while ago now. Before I met you.”
“You still care for him, Kurt.”
“Of course I do! He’s my best friend!”
“More than that. You want him.”
“Gabriel, you are being ridiculous.”
“Am I? Am I, Kurt? Or are you ditching me for your so called friend?”
“No, I am telling you that we can’t meet up today because I need to take care of Finn. I know he’d do the same for me, okay? He’s taken care of me before, when I’ve been sad. Look, Gabriel, we can see each other next week, I promise.”
“I want to see you now. I want you away from Finn Hudson.”
“Gabriel, you know I can’t.”
“I know you love him.”
“Gabriel! Please!”
“I know you love him, Kurt! I know you care for him more than me! And I was willing to put up with that, because I thought I could change your mind! I love you, Kurt, but I can’t take being second best to some tosser who is clearly straight much longer! Either you come out with me tonight, or we are over.”
Kurt took a deep breath.
“Then we’re over. Goodbye, Gabriel.”
Kurt hung up on Gabriel’s protests and went back into the living room, where Finn was still sprawled on the couch.
“Who was that?” Finn asked as Kurt slipped the phone back into it’s cradle. Kurt sighed.
“Gabriel.”
“Oh. How is he?”
“We broke up.”
Finn stared at Kurt. He was standing next to the small table where the phone sat, hands gripping the edge so tightly his knuckles were white.
“Oh, Kurt. I’m sorry,” Finn breathed, but there was already hope rushing into his heart. Kurt was single again!
“Yes, I’m fine. He was jealous. Of you, actually.”
“Of me? But we’re just friends!” Finn said. Kurt nodded.
“I know. It was irrational. He said I had to choose. But if he really loved me, he wouldn’t have made me choose between my best friend and my boyfriend. So I told him it was over. He was clingy and over protective, anyway. And jealous to the point of irrationality. He knows we’re just friends.”
Finn sighed.
“You want me to talk to him?”
“No, but thank you for offering. I’ll be fine. Like I said, he was starting to get too clingy and over protective. He even asked me to move in with him. But his modelling means he moves a lot and stays out late - I think I deserve better than that.”
“You do deserve better than that. Much better.”
Kurt beamed at him, and Finn was dazzled by the brilliance of his smile.
“Thank you. Now, is there anything you want?”
You, Finn thought, only you.
“Some water would be nice,” was what he said.
----
The next week, and Finn was back at work. Kurt was, too, and his boss was not particularly happy at him taking two weeks off to take care of someone. But Kurt charmed his way back into their good books with copious amounts of coffee and doing all the jobs no one else wanted to do.
Finn slipped much more easily back into his daily routine. Kurt had been helping him with his singing, and was impressed with how good Finn was. He was on the look out for auditions for them, and Finn hoped that they got in something together - he would love to work with Kurt, to see him in action every night, to see him interact with a bigger audience, to see everyone hanging off his every word, his every note. He just knew that Kurt would be incredible.
He sang every Saturday in the coffee shop like normal. But one Saturday, everything changed.
A woman came in as Kurt was singing. This was far from unusual - it wasn’t even odd that she was wearing a business suit.
“How may I help you?” Finn asked her brightly. Her eyes were trained on Kurt.
“A latte, please. Who is that boy?” she asked. Finn blinked at her simple order but nodded and went to make it, glancing at Kurt.
“That’s Kurt Hummel. He’s good, isn’t he?” Finn asked. The woman smiled.
“I think he’s a bit better than just good,” she said. Finn smiled.
“I suppose he is.”
He took her money and she went to sit down and watch. Kurt closed with Defying Gravity - and he never failed to amaze Finn by hitting that high note at the end, a note that was so far out of Finn’s own range it was unreal - and he stepped gracefully off the stage, the usual small horde of girls crowing around him.
Including, Finn noted, the woman in the business suit.
When she got to Kurt, they had a conversation. Kurt went from looking polite to cautious to amazed to joyous in about thirty seconds. The woman smiled and shook his hand, before presenting him with a bit of paper and leaving. Kurt tucked the paper into his pocket and hurried over to Finn.
“Finn! Finn, you’ve no idea who that was!” Kurt gasped, eyes wide, smiling and bouncing slightly in his excitement. Finn grinned lopsidedly at him.
“You’re right - I don’t. So why don’t you put me out of my misery and tell me?” he asked. Kurt rolled his eyes but was too excited to be annoyed.
“That was Maria Daniels, Finn! She’s a director. She was here looking at some of the talent in shows. She’s directing a new musical and she thinks that I’d be perfect for the role! She’s going to set me up an audition, but she says she hasn’t seen anyone with talent like mine. This could be it, Finn! My big break!”
Finn grinned at him, immensely pleased that his friend was finally getting everything that he deserved.
“Brilliant! When is the audition?”
“In a month.”
“In a month? That’s a while away, isn’t it?”
“Finn, there’s just one thing…the audition is in London. If I got the role, I’d have to move there.”
Finn just stared at Kurt as his entire world seemed to crumble around him, the foundations cracking and giving way until all that was left was a memory of how things used to be.
----
Finn was determined to make his final month with Kurt memorable. Because there was no doubt in his mind that Kurt would get the part.
“You can keep staying here, Finn. I’ll probably come back when it’s over, anyway. And if not, I’ll come back when I can. And before you say anything, it’s fine. I own this place. I have enough money to get a place in London. It’s fine, Finn, trust me - consider this place yours. Just try not to trash it, okay?” Kurt said, having finished packing. He would be leaving in four days.
“Kurt, are you sure? Because I am sure that I could work something out,” Finn said. Kurt shook his head, insistent.
“No, Finn. Unless you want to move out, you can stay here. You are welcome here as long as you need - you know that.”
“I do, I just feel bad staying here while you aren’t around.”
“Finn. It’s fine. Trust me.”
Finn looked at him. He was going to miss him.
“I’ll miss you,” he said softly. Kurt smiled at him.
“I’ll miss you, too.”
----
“Well, that’s me done. I’m off tomorrow, Finn. My big break! I can hardly believe it. I have to get on the plane to London at midday. I’ll miss you, you know,” Kurt smiled. Finn felt something inside him stir, and hoped that no one came in to the coffee shop and disturbed them.
“I’ll miss you, too, Kurt,” Finn said.
“It’ll be weird, getting up and not seeing you taking up the entire couch,” Kurt teased. Finn managed a weak chuckle, then had to go and serve someone before coming back to his friend.
“It’ll be weird using the bathroom without a million different creams in there,” Finn teased back. Kurt laughed.
“I could leave you some, if you’d like,” he offered. Finn shook his head.
“No, I’ve no idea what they all do. I’d probably give myself a rash or burn my face off or something.”
Kurt eyed him for a moment, then laughed.
“Yeah, you’re probably right.”
“But still. I think I’ll miss those creams.”
“Yeah. I think I’ll miss the couch.”
Finn gasped, all mock offended, and Kurt grinned at him.
“And maybe, just maybe, I’ll miss you lying on it.”
“I’m sure you won’t.”
“Aw, Finn. I’ll be back. I promise.”
“That was the worst Arnold Schwarzenegger impression I’ve ever heard.”
Kurt raised an eyebrow at Finn.
“That wasn’t an impression.”
Finn blinked.
“Oh. That explains it then.”
“Hey, Finn?”
“Yeah?”
“Come here.”
“Why?”
“Just…just come here.”
Finn came from behind the counter. Kurt stepped forward and wrapped his arms silently around Finn’s waist. Finn blinked, startled, before wrapping his arms cautiously around Kurt, then held him tighter. Kurt fit just right against his chest. It felt nice. Better than nice. Finn rested his chin on top of Kurt’s head and breathed in the scent of his shampoo - it smelt of strawberries - and closed his eyes, allowing himself to imagine, even if only for a moment, that Kurt wasn’t leaving, and that they were so much more than just friends.
“I will miss you really, you great oaf,” Kurt whispered, his voice wavering dangerously. Finn felt tears prickle in his own eyes.
“I’ll miss you, too,” he breathed.
They stayed like that for a long time, and no one told Finn off for not serving customers, because they sensed that he needed those last few moments with Kurt. Finn had never been more grateful for anything.
----
When Finn awoke the next day, Kurt had already left. There was a note on the dining table with Kurt’s writing on it.
Finn,
I thought I’d leave you a little letter. I wasn’t going to, then I couldn’t stop myself.
I’m glad that I asked you to move in with me. I was lonely rattling around here by myself. I didn’t have any friends in the city, not really. I mean, there were the people at work, but we didn’t really socialise. So it was nice to have someone living here.
The past…gosh, how long has it been? Too long. About a year? Less? More? Not even a year, I don’t think, that we’ve know each other. Or maybe it is. I’ve never been so fantastic with things like that. I suppose it has been a year by now, though. It’s been a good year, hasn’t it? I think it has. I’d like to think you think that, too.
I’ve never been to England before, so it’s scary. It’s even scarier going alone to a big city where I don’t know anyone. But I’ve done it before, right? When I moved from Dundee. Yeah, I’ve done it before. The only difference now is that it’s a different country.
I thought that we could write to each other while I’m away. I mean, it’s a good way to keep in contact, right? Much cheaper than phone calls. Don’t get me wrong, I’d love to call you, I just know how expensive it will be. So I thought this would work just as well, although half the time I can’t read your hand writing and so may have to find a de coder. But still, I am sure that it’ll work.
I thought that maybe we could send each other things. Like, I could send you something with London on it. You don’t really have to send me anything back - I just thought you might like something with London on it. You probably wouldn’t. Sorry. I’ll probably send you something anything.
I’m sorry is this letter doesn’t make much sense - I wrote it before I’d had my coffee, and you know that I’m not at my best before my caffeine fix. But I hope that it makes sense. I really do.
I’ll miss you, Finn Hudson.
Kurt.
Finn read the letter several times, then went and slipped it into the drawer on his bedside table.
----
London was terrifying.
It didn’t help that flying always made Kurt feel a little woozy. He stepped off the plane and gathered his things and managed to find a taxi to take him to a reasonably priced hotel. Kurt had decided that he wasn’t going to get an apartment unless he actually got the role.
The strangest part about it all was how much he missed Finn already. Finn had become such a presence in his life, especially since he had moved in, that it was strange not having him there. Every time he saw something he knew Finn would like, he turned to point it out to him, only to find Finn wasn’t there. It would take him a while to get used to that.
London wasn’t like New York. New York was grid like. It had been planned. It had structure. London wasn’t grid like. It hadn’t been planned. It had no structure at all that Kurt could figure out. The roads twisted and turned and he had no idea just how, exactly, he was supposed to navigate this strange city. He had come a week early so he could get used to it, but even the Underground system made no sense to him at all.
But Londoners, he found, did dress impeccably.
The audition, he thought, went well. Maria said that they’d be in contact with him within two weeks, and so Kurt spent a frantic two weeks worrying and trying to figure London out and buying things and writing to Finn and sending him things. And worrying - he spent a lot of time worrying.
When he got the phone call saying he’d got the part, Kurt couldn’t resist ringing Finn.
“’Lo?” Finn said sleepily down the phone.
“Oh, Finn! I’m sorry! Did I wake you?”
“Kurt? Hey, yeah, you did. It’s, like, six in the mornin’ here.”
“I’m sorry!”
“Hey, it’s fine. What did you want?”
“I got the part!”
“Really? That’s fantastic!”
“Yeah, it is! I just had to ring you and tell you. I’m going to start apartment hunting soon.”
“Great. I hope you find somewhere.”
“So do I, Finn. So do I.”
----
Finn was moping and feeling sorry for himself when the phone rang.
“Hello?” he said forlornly.
“Finn?”
“Quinn?”
“Yeah, it’s me. How are you?”
“Crappy. You?”
“I’m fine. We haven’t seen you in a while.”
“I know. I’ve…not been going out much.”
“I noticed.”
There was a silence.
“I’m in love with Kurt,” Finn suddenly blurted.
“You’re what?”
“I’m in love with Kurt. And he moved to London. And he got the role. And he’s staying there. And I love him.”
“Finn, you’re coming out. Meet us in an hour.”
----
The lead female role was played by a black girl called Mercedes. She, too, was from America. From, incidentally, the same town as Finn.
“Lima, Ohio? Yeah, I grew up there. Did you say his name was Finn?”
“Finn Hudson.”
Mercedes frowned, then smiled.
“Yeah, I remember him. Tall, brown hair, jock?”
“Yes, that’s him.”
“We didn’t talk much.”
“Not in the same social circles?”
“Not at all.”
“Shame. I think he’d like you.”
Mercedes eyed him critically.
“Really?”
“Yeah. Really.”
----
Finn was sat in a booth at a restaurant waiting for Puck and Quinn. He had wanted Kurt to be there, but he knew that after the disastrous first meeting that having Kurt and Puck in close range to each other was not a good idea. It could easily end with Kurt having a broken nose. And besides, Kurt was on the other side of an ocean.
“So. When’d you become a fag?”
This was how Puck greeted his friend of ten years. Finn narrowed his eyes at him as Quinn slid in - smiling warmly at Finn in greeting - and Puck fell into the seat next to her.
“Puck,” Quinn said softly, her tone warning. Puck looked at her.
“But he’s a fag, right? He said he’s in love with a dude.”
Finn couldn’t even be angry with Puck, because that was just how he was. At one time, Finn would have been the same. That time was long ago, buried in his past, buried underneath denial and emotion and things Finn didn’t want to think about, things that he left untouched because they hurt too much.
“Just because I am in love with a man does not make me gay,” Finn murmured, playing absently with a salt packet, twisting it between his fingers and thinking a litany of thoughts about Kurt, about their time together, about ice cream and chestnut hair and green-blue eyes and designer clothes and minty, fresh smelling skin and heat crackling between bodies so close but so far apart, too far apart, should be touching but not.
Finn shifted uncomfortably, aware that he was becoming hard in front of his friends just from thinking about all the little things that made Kurt, Kurt.
“Then what does it make you?” Puck demanded, breaking Finn’s train of thought. The salt packet split in his hands and the perfect little white crystals tumbled down onto the table, piling on top of one another like Finn’s racing thoughts.
“Confused,” he murmured, “very confused.”
“Kurt moved, didn’t he?” Quinn asked softly, her gentle hands clasped in the table. Finn looked at her and nodded.
“Three weeks ago. To London,” he said sadly.
“London? What the hell did he move to London for? Aren’t there way more fairies here for him to give AIDs to?”
Finn would not stand for that. He lasered his eyes on his friend, hands curling into tight fists.
“Kurt Hummel,” he hissed, “does not have AIDs, and unlike you does not feel the need to have sex with anything and everything that moves, and some things that don’t.”
Puck looked startled at Finn’s outburst, and Quinn had to bite her lower lip to stop her laughter. Puck merely blinked.
“Sorry, dude. Didn’t mean to…y’know…I’m gonna go pee,” Puck declared, getting up and hurrying away from the table before Finn started talking about girly shit like feelings or something.
“I’m sorry about him. He doesn’t think before he opens his mouth,” Quinn said softly. Finn nodded and traced random designs in the spilt salt.
They were silent for a moment and Quinn watched as, seemingly without thinking about it, Finn drew out the word KURT into the salt. She smiled lightly - clearly, Finn was totally smitten, and she for one was happy for him.
“He’s really something, huh?” she asked. Finn blinked at the letters in the salt then dragged his fingers over them, rubbing them out. He couldn’t look at them - they tugged at his heartstrings and reminded him of all the things he had allowed to walk away.
“He’s…yeah. He’s really something,” he murmured, head low and breath stirring the salt grains, sending them pirouetting prettily over the table top.
Quinn looked at him. They’d dated once, and she’d loved him, and a part of her always would, but it was good for him to move on. It was good for him to find someone who knew how to cheer him up, with simple things like ice cream. It had been a year since Finn had found out that her baby wasn’t his, and he had forgiven them, she knew. But he hadn’t dated in that year, and in that year a pretty little force of nature had whirl winded in, made Finn fall for him, then whirl winded away to England, leaving Finn broken and incomplete. Quinn could almost see it, the hole, roughly the same size and shape as Kurt - whom she had met only the once - sitting next to Finn now. And there was only one person who could fill it.
The only problem was, he was too far away to do any such thing.
“You really love him, don’t you?” Quinn breathed.
Finn lifted his head and looked her, brown eyes big and sad and lost. He nodded lightly.
“Yeah, I think I do. Maybe Puck is right - maybe I am just another fag,” he sighed. Quinn pursed her lips.
“Why?” she asked. Finn looked at her, confused.
“Why what?”
“Why do you love him?”
Finn paused, thinking about the question.
“Why do I love him?” he asked aloud. “Because he is sweet and caring and when I found your that…that your baby was Puck’s he just took me for ice cream and took care of me. He makes me laugh and he smells nice and his skin is soft and clear and he’s pretty and has nice hair, and it is always so shiny and nice. And he feels right in my arms, you know? Feels right and perfect and soft and like he belongs there, like that is where he is meant to be. He’s got the most amazing singing voice and he interacts so well with the audience, and he always has the same coffee after every show, always, and that was the only thing that was predictable about him, that coffee, that little cappuccino. And I liked it, liked that I knew one thing about him that was always the same, that would never change, but I liked all the things I didn’t know, too, liked that I could start to peal away the layers and find out more about him, see what was underneath. And I wanted to peal away all those layers and put them back on in the right order and know him better than anyone else in the entire world. I wanted to see him, all of him, and love him forever and never let anyone else see him that way, wanted him for myself, wanted everything he was and everything he could be and everything he had to give. I love everything, even his temper, even his moodiness when he doesn’t get enough sleep, even his aversion to sport. I just…love him.”
Quinn looked at him, watched him, listened to his voice waver as the emotion came through thick, as everything he had been bottling away came bubbling to the surface, and she was glad she had managed to get him to talk about it, because she had never heard anything so sweet in her life, and she doubted she ever would again.
“But you don’t love him because he’s a man?” Quinn asked.
“No. I love that he is a man, but I do not love him because he is one. I love him for who he is, not what he is,” Finn murmured.
“That doesn’t make you a fag, Finn. It doesn’t even make you gay. It just makes you a man in love - and you just happen to be in love with another man. It is no different than if you were still in love with me. It’s the same. There is nothing wrong with it, and do not let Puck make you feel ashamed,” she murmured. Finn smiled faintly at her.
“Thank you,” he murmured. Quinn smiled.
“I didn’t do anything, Finn. I just helped you realise what you already knew.”
----
Kurt found that he got on incredibly well with Mercedes - another self confessed diva - and with the rest of the cast. They had a good laugh together, and often went out together after rehearsals. None of them were fazed in the slightest that Kurt was gay. He wasn’t even the only gay member of the cast. It made him feel less scared about everything.
After two weeks of apartment hunting, Mercedes finally managed to convince him to move into her place with her. She lived alone, and she said she’d enjoy the company. Kurt was reminded of himself asking Finn to move in with him, and he smiled and agreed.
With the help of his new friends, Kurt slowly learnt to navigate the twists and turns of London. He learnt to use the Underground without getting lost or getting on a train going in the wrong direction. He learnt which places to avoid, which places did the best cocktails, which places had good food. He went to the theatre a lot with Mercedes, to see plays and musicals. They were all incredible, and he hoped that their musical would be received just as well.
He still wrote to Finn often, and sent him things. Finn said that he remembered Mercedes, but they never wrote to each other. It was something for Finn and Kurt, something that they shared. It wasn’t something that anyone else was allowed in on. Mercedes always smiled when she saw Kurt writing diligently away to his friend, often with a present sat next to him, waiting to be wrapped in the envelope.
“You really care about him, don’t you?” she asked. Kurt blinked and looked up from his letter - it was already four pages and he was still going strong.
“Finn? Of course I do. He’s my best friend,” Kurt said, ignoring the pang he always got when he said that.
“But you care about him as more than that.”
Kurt blushed faintly at her perceptiveness. Mercedes grinned.
“I thought as much,” she said. Kurt sighed.
“Yes, I do. I’ve had a crush on him for a long time - since we met, in fact, at the coffee shop where he works. When I asked him to move in with me, it escalated, and before I knew what had happened, I’d fallen in love with him. But…he’s straight, Mercedes. He doesn’t feel that way about me.”
“How do you know?”
“He’s always dated girls before.”
“That doesn’t mean he doesn’t feel the same way.”
“No, but it points strongly towards him not.”
“You are being narrow minded.”
“I’m gay.”
“Doesn’t mean you can’t be narrow minded.”
“Mercedes!”
“Kurt!”
“I hate you sometimes.”
“You are just mad that I figured you out.”
Kurt sighed, resigned.
“I suppose I am, a little.”
“Why don’t you tell him?”
“Because I’d really rather not risk our friendship over this. I care for him a lot, Mercedes. I don’t want to lose him.”
“I don’t think you would.”
“Well, you wouldn’t. Now, can I please continue with my letter?” he asked. Mercedes merely rolled her eyes, but left Kurt to get on with it. She had already learnt that there was there was no changing his mind once it was made up.
----
“He sent me a CD.”
Quinn looked at Finn from her seat on the sofa. He had just received a letter from Kurt, and had invited Quinn around - without Puck - to listen to it with him. He didn’t know why, entirely. He just did.
“Are you going to play it?” she asked. Finn bit his lower lip.
“Yeah,” he said. “On the letter, he said this song was in the musical.”
“Did he said what it was called?”
“Its says A House Is Not A Home on the CD,” Finn said.
“Play it, then,” Quinn said softly.
Finn pressed the CD gently into the player and hit play.
They listened to it together, and then Quinn hugged Finn, pecked him on the cheek and left him alone with his tears and a CD of Kurt singing. Singing to him. The song reminded him so much of them. Of Kurt’s empty apartment with Finn in it all alone. He listened to the song again, and again, and again.
By the time the next morning rolled around, Finn had made up his mind. He was going to tell Kurt exactly how he felt, and he was going to do it the same way Kurt had.
----
“Finn sent me a CD!”
Mercedes looked up from where she had been painting her toenails.
“Did he now?” she asked. Kurt nodded, positively beaming.
“He said it was in repayment for mine. He said he loved the song.”
“How could he not? You own that song.”
Kurt blushed prettily.
“Thanks.”
“What song is it?”
“It just says The Call on the CD.”
“Do you think it’s…”
“I don’t know. I doubt it. Let’s listen, anyway.”
Kurt put the CD into the player and hit play.
It was, he soon realised. It was the one Mercedes had thought, and they stared at each other. Kurt had watched the film with Finn. Several times. But he had never thought that Finn would sing this for him. It sounded very different in Finn’s baritone. Kurt thought it sounded infinitely better.
“Kurt. I think you need to go back to New York.”
“I can’t. We have a show tonight.”
“After the show. You get on the first place back there.”
“I can’t, Mercedes. I have the show, and this is my big break. How can I give that up?”
Mercedes looked at him very serious for a long moment.
“Kurt. You might only get once chance at this in your life. And you need to grab it with both hands and never let go.”
That night after the performance, Kurt ran to the airport and got a ticket for the first place to New York, still in his costume.
----
A few days later, Finn was working in the coffee shop. It was around midday, and they were busy, and he was happily serving and chatting with the regulars and watching the world go by outside the window. It was a Saturday, and it was still strange not to have Kurt singing. But he was getting used to it. Slowly.
But the last thing he had expected was for Kurt to come barrelling into the shop.
He was wearing a white button up shirt and black trousers with black shined shoes. A bow tie was slung, un tied, around his neck. He looked worn, and his hair was dishevelled, and the top button of his shirt was undone and it had been rucked to one side, exposing a delicious amount of skin around Kurt’s left shoulder. He looked beautiful.
“Kurt? What are you doing here?” Finn asked. He came out from behind the counter, and they walked slowly towards each other.
Kurt said nothing, just stared up at him for a long time, blue-green eyes wide, breath still coming out in soft pants. Then, without warning, he threw his arms around Finn’s neck and dragged his head down until their foreheads were touching.
“Finn Hudson,” he breathed, his warm breath caressing Finn’s face, “I’m never letting go.”
And then he closed the gap between them, pressing their lips together firmly and not letting go.
Both of them remained stubbornly, desperately single. Kurt went out sometimes with friends from his work, but Finn mostly stayed at the apartment.
“You should make up with Puck and Quinn,” Kurt said one night over their pasta and sauce.
“Why? They lied to me,” Finn said around a mouthful of food.
“Because they are your friends, Finn. You’ve known them for a long time. And besides, it isn’t good for you to be sitting around here every night. Make up with them and go out. Find a new girl,” Kurt smiled. Finn laughed.
“Yeah, I suppose you are right. And I have known them a long time. Okay, okay, I’ll ring them later. Happy now?” Finn asked. Kurt beamed.
“Very,” he said.
Finn rang his old number, and Quinn answered. It took him a while to convince her that he meant it, that he was sincere, but he finally did, and they made plans to go out a few days later.
“There. I have made plans. I am not the strange man sitting alone in your apartment anymore,” Finn laughed. Kurt just rolled his eyes.
“No, you aren’t. Now please be quiet, American Idol is on.”
“Why do you even watch that show?”
“I’ve no idea, but it is stupidly addictive.”
“Want some company?”
Kurt looked up at him and grinned.
“If you can make it through an entire episode without complaining, feel free to join me.”
And so Finn did. And for once, he made it through an entire episode without complaining, and he did it for Kurt, because Kurt had given him his best friends back.
----
Finn loved having Puck and Quinn back. Kurt was great, he really was, but it was nothing like hanging with people who had know you for years. And while sometimes it felt like Finn had known Kurt for years - in the best way possible - he hadn’t even known him for one yet. In fact, it hadn’t even been six months since Kurt had first walked into the coffee shop. It seemed weird that they were living together now. Kurt paid no rent, since he owned his flat, but Finn insisted on helping pay the bills and helping buy the groceries. They worked well together, even though they had completely different tastes. Somehow, they just clicked.
Going out with Quinn and Puck was fun, even though Quinn couldn’t drink. But they still had fun, and often went to the movies or bowling or something, somewhere where he and Puck didn’t drink, either, so she didn’t feel so left out. Finn still did things with Kurt, went out and watched movies and stuff, but it felt good to have his old friends back. Really good.
Finn often arrived home before Kurt, and he had decided that for once he was going to cook something that wasn’t pasta and sauce, and so was attempting to cook a stir fry. He wasn’t doing too badly, either, even if he did say so himself. Nothing had caught on fire, anyway.
He was just plating up when he heard the door slam, and moments later Kurt appeared in the kitchen doorway.
“Look! I made stir fry!” Finn said proudly. Kurt beamed at him.
“Great! That’s great, Finn! But…uhm…I’m going out tonight,” Kurt said. Finn frowned.
“You didn’t say anything before,” he said. Kurt smiled shyly, a faint blush playing over his cheeks.
“That’s because I was only asked today. One of the new models, his name is Gabriel, asked me out to dinner. I said yes,” Kurt said dreamily.
“But…Friday nights are movie nights,” Finn said plaintively. Kurt sighed.
“I know. But this is the first date I’ve had since I’ve been here, Finn. And I like this guy. He isn’t the one I’m really interested in, but he’s handsome and sweet and he likes me. What’s not to like? You can last one movie night without me, right?” Kurt asked. Finn looked at him. He looked so happy and excited. How could he deny his friend some happiness?
“Of course. You have fun.”
“Thanks, Finn!”
Kurt danced off to his room, then to the bathroom. Finn heard the shower start and, sighing sadly, scraped all the stir fry he had made onto his own plate, then sat down at the small dining table to eat it. It didn’t taste as good as he’d hoped.
Kurt appeared two hours later, clean and smelling nice - Finn could smell him across the room - and all dressed up. He was wearing a white button up shirt with a royal blue sweater over it, and a pair of pants so dark a blue they almost looked black. He had on black leather shoes and around his neck he had wound a small white scarf. Finn was almost entirely certain that Kurt had a hidden room off his bedroom in which he kept all his clothes - there was no other way he could have so many.
Finn was also almost entirely certain he had never seen anyone look better.
“So,” Kurt asked, adjusting his perfect hair in the mirror and turning to face Finn, smiling. “How do I look?”
Finn looked at him. He looked wonderful. He looked perfect and heart breaking and Finn felt a rush of emotions flood him. Hurt, want, anger, affection. It took him a moment to realise it was jealousy. He was jealous of this Gabriel, a man he had never met. It was all too weird.
“You look great,” he said. Kurt beamed at him.
“Thanks, Finn. Don’t wait up for me, okay?”
And with that, Kurt left.
Finn ended up watching the movie on his own. He stared at the spot on his chest where Kurt’s head usually rested, and his hand itched to stroke the soft strands of Kurt’s hair. He felt an emptiness in his chest, a sense of loss that struck him hard. He didn’t want to be friends with Kurt anymore, but Kurt had found someone.
Finn had lost him.
----
Kurt got home at about midnight. Finn was in bed, so he crept in quietly and went to his room, changing and doing his night time skin care routine before going to bed. He curled up and smiled to himself.
Gabriel had taken him to a nice restaurant, nice but not too showy. He wasn’t the brightest crayon on the box, but he could hold his own in a conversation. He was sweet and funny and definitely very good looking.
And while he was no Finn Hudson, Kurt was pleased that he was taking the first tentative steps towards getting over his crush on his friend.
----
Kurt was with Gabriel for three months before he finally introduced him to Finn.
“I thought I would bring Gabriel around on Saturday,” Kurt said one Thursday night over dinner. Finn looked at him and nodded. He still hadn’t quite come to terms with his feelings for Kurt, and while Kurt was so happy with Gabriel Finn wasn’t going to say anything.
“Sure,” Finn said. They also hadn’t missed another movie night, and Kurt still curled up against Finn, and Finn still stroked his hair. It gave Finn hope, even though he knew it was pointless.
And so it was with that that Finn found himself sitting on a chair while Kurt and Gabriel sat on the couch. They weren’t even being that affectionate, just holding hands and sitting close, but every so often Finn saw Gabriel’s thumb swipe across the back of Kurt’s hand. That little gesture was enough to send jealousy coursing powerfully through Finn’s veins - he wanted that. He wanted to be able to touch Kurt, to kiss him, to hold him. He wanted it all, but he couldn’t have it. And Gabriel could.
And it wasn’t even like Finn could hate the guy! Gabriel was perfectly polite. He was charming and engaging and wasn’t all that bright, maybe, but then again, neither was Finn. And he was good looking - there was no denying that. Gabriel looked like Finn imagined the angel he was named after did - he was tall and broad, with a crown of golden hair and big blue eyes. He was a male model, so of course he was gorgeous. Finn was willing to bet that he wasn’t too bad under his clothes, either, and couldn’t help but wonder just how much, exactly, Kurt had seen of Gabriel’s body. He abruptly stopped that train of thought, because the idea of Kurt and Gabriel naked together made him feel physically sick.
“So, Finn, Kurt tells me you sing?” Gabriel asked. He was from England originally, and his tones were clipped and neat. He had a wonderful accent.
“Uh…yeah. Not as well as he does, though,” Finn said, twisting his glass in his hands absently.
“Yes, well. Kurt is unusually talented, isn’t he?” Gabriel asked, smiling down at Kurt, revealing perfect pearly whites. Kurt blushed lightly but beamed at the compliment.
“He certainly is,” Finn said softly, sipping at his drink.
They talked and watched a movie and then Gabriel left.
“Well, it was a pleasure meeting you, Finn,” he said, shaking Finn’s hand and smiling. Finn smiled back. He could never compete with someone like Gabriel.
“It was good to meet you, too,” he said.
Gabriel turned to Kurt and smiled, wrapping his arms around him. Finn turned away as they kissed, jealously spiking through him like a sword. And then, with a final waft of expensive cologne, Gabriel was gone.
“So? What do you think of him?” Kurt asked nervously. Finn smiled.
“I think he’s a good guy, Kurt, and you seem happy.”
“Yeah. Yeah, I am happy.”
“Then I approve.”
Kurt beamed at him, and Finn felt like his older, over protective brother.
----
Kurt continued to see Gabriel, and he continued to seem happy. It hurt Finn, wanting from afar, but it was all he had. He had a few flings - all with girls, who he still liked rather a lot. In fact, he found that Kurt was the only male he liked, really. Or was interested in romantically, at least. It was weird for him, but he was slowly beginning to accept it - but nothing that lasted more than a month at the outside. Kurt seemed worried about him, but never said anything, just let Finn get on with it. Finn was grateful for that, if nothing else.
Everything was running smoothly, or as smoothly as it ever had, until Finn fell ill.
He was fine one day, and then the next he was coughing and throwing up and had a sore throat and couldn’t stop sneezing.
“Oh, Finn! I’ll call in and say I need some time off so I can take care of you,” Kurt said, already fussing as Finn lay sprawled on the sofa.
“Kurt, no! I’ll be fine! Honest!” Finn protested. Kurt merely shook his head.
“Don’t be so silly! I am not leaving you here alone when you are like this,” he said. Finn just sighed.
“Fine. Thanks, Kurt,” Finn said.
“You’re welcome. After all, what are friends for?”
Finn sighed.
“Yeah, friends,” he whispered, so softly that Kurt couldn’t hear him.
----
Kurt made Finn chicken soup - from scratch, like his mom always used to - and gave him medicine and pottered around cleaning and stroking Finn’s hair - he was right, it was nice to have your hair stroked - and pressing a cool flannel to Finn’s clammy forehead. It was nice having him there, and Finn realised that he wouldn’t have done so well if Kurt hadn’t been there. In fact, he would probably rarely have moved from the couch where he stationed himself every day after he got up. He drank inordinate amounts of tea and went to the bathroom, but that was about as far as he went.
They watched a lot of movies, since there was little else to do. Kurt always told Finn he could choose, but he sometimes insisted that Kurt did because he knew how much Kurt hated action films. And mostly he didn’t like the films Kurt picked, but they didn’t complain.
Kurt cancelled on Gabriel one night. Finn had been insistent that he was to go out, but just as Kurt had been about to leave, Finn had convulsed and throw up over himself and the sofa. Kurt had recoiled, but sent Finn to the shower and put on some rubber gloves to clean the couch. He had told Gabriel he couldn’t make it, and Gabriel had understood.
The second time, he wasn’t quite so understanding, but had eventually acquiesced - there was nothing he could do, he knew, that would change Kurt’s mind.
But the third time resulted in a shouting match down the phone.
“This is the third time in two weeks you have cancelled on me!” Gabriel snapped.
“Finn needs me, Gabriel! He’s still really ill. I can’t leave him like this. He might fall asleep and choke on his own vomit or something!”
“Do you know how unlikely that is?”
“Well, yes, but still. I’d feel guilty all night if I left him here alone while he’s like this, and so I’d be terrible company. He’s much better than he was, Gabriel. I am sure he’ll be better next week. Please, he needs me. He’s my best friend - I need to be there for him.”
“Sometimes, Kurt, I am sure that you care more for him that you do for me.”
“Gabriel! That’s not it and you know it. If you were ill, I’d call everything off and look after you, too. He needs me, Gabriel. He needs someone to take care of him, and I am going to be that person.”
“I see the way you look at him, Kurt. I know you love him.”
“I had a crush on him once, I grant you. That was a long while ago now. Before I met you.”
“You still care for him, Kurt.”
“Of course I do! He’s my best friend!”
“More than that. You want him.”
“Gabriel, you are being ridiculous.”
“Am I? Am I, Kurt? Or are you ditching me for your so called friend?”
“No, I am telling you that we can’t meet up today because I need to take care of Finn. I know he’d do the same for me, okay? He’s taken care of me before, when I’ve been sad. Look, Gabriel, we can see each other next week, I promise.”
“I want to see you now. I want you away from Finn Hudson.”
“Gabriel, you know I can’t.”
“I know you love him.”
“Gabriel! Please!”
“I know you love him, Kurt! I know you care for him more than me! And I was willing to put up with that, because I thought I could change your mind! I love you, Kurt, but I can’t take being second best to some tosser who is clearly straight much longer! Either you come out with me tonight, or we are over.”
Kurt took a deep breath.
“Then we’re over. Goodbye, Gabriel.”
Kurt hung up on Gabriel’s protests and went back into the living room, where Finn was still sprawled on the couch.
“Who was that?” Finn asked as Kurt slipped the phone back into it’s cradle. Kurt sighed.
“Gabriel.”
“Oh. How is he?”
“We broke up.”
Finn stared at Kurt. He was standing next to the small table where the phone sat, hands gripping the edge so tightly his knuckles were white.
“Oh, Kurt. I’m sorry,” Finn breathed, but there was already hope rushing into his heart. Kurt was single again!
“Yes, I’m fine. He was jealous. Of you, actually.”
“Of me? But we’re just friends!” Finn said. Kurt nodded.
“I know. It was irrational. He said I had to choose. But if he really loved me, he wouldn’t have made me choose between my best friend and my boyfriend. So I told him it was over. He was clingy and over protective, anyway. And jealous to the point of irrationality. He knows we’re just friends.”
Finn sighed.
“You want me to talk to him?”
“No, but thank you for offering. I’ll be fine. Like I said, he was starting to get too clingy and over protective. He even asked me to move in with him. But his modelling means he moves a lot and stays out late - I think I deserve better than that.”
“You do deserve better than that. Much better.”
Kurt beamed at him, and Finn was dazzled by the brilliance of his smile.
“Thank you. Now, is there anything you want?”
You, Finn thought, only you.
“Some water would be nice,” was what he said.
----
The next week, and Finn was back at work. Kurt was, too, and his boss was not particularly happy at him taking two weeks off to take care of someone. But Kurt charmed his way back into their good books with copious amounts of coffee and doing all the jobs no one else wanted to do.
Finn slipped much more easily back into his daily routine. Kurt had been helping him with his singing, and was impressed with how good Finn was. He was on the look out for auditions for them, and Finn hoped that they got in something together - he would love to work with Kurt, to see him in action every night, to see him interact with a bigger audience, to see everyone hanging off his every word, his every note. He just knew that Kurt would be incredible.
He sang every Saturday in the coffee shop like normal. But one Saturday, everything changed.
A woman came in as Kurt was singing. This was far from unusual - it wasn’t even odd that she was wearing a business suit.
“How may I help you?” Finn asked her brightly. Her eyes were trained on Kurt.
“A latte, please. Who is that boy?” she asked. Finn blinked at her simple order but nodded and went to make it, glancing at Kurt.
“That’s Kurt Hummel. He’s good, isn’t he?” Finn asked. The woman smiled.
“I think he’s a bit better than just good,” she said. Finn smiled.
“I suppose he is.”
He took her money and she went to sit down and watch. Kurt closed with Defying Gravity - and he never failed to amaze Finn by hitting that high note at the end, a note that was so far out of Finn’s own range it was unreal - and he stepped gracefully off the stage, the usual small horde of girls crowing around him.
Including, Finn noted, the woman in the business suit.
When she got to Kurt, they had a conversation. Kurt went from looking polite to cautious to amazed to joyous in about thirty seconds. The woman smiled and shook his hand, before presenting him with a bit of paper and leaving. Kurt tucked the paper into his pocket and hurried over to Finn.
“Finn! Finn, you’ve no idea who that was!” Kurt gasped, eyes wide, smiling and bouncing slightly in his excitement. Finn grinned lopsidedly at him.
“You’re right - I don’t. So why don’t you put me out of my misery and tell me?” he asked. Kurt rolled his eyes but was too excited to be annoyed.
“That was Maria Daniels, Finn! She’s a director. She was here looking at some of the talent in shows. She’s directing a new musical and she thinks that I’d be perfect for the role! She’s going to set me up an audition, but she says she hasn’t seen anyone with talent like mine. This could be it, Finn! My big break!”
Finn grinned at him, immensely pleased that his friend was finally getting everything that he deserved.
“Brilliant! When is the audition?”
“In a month.”
“In a month? That’s a while away, isn’t it?”
“Finn, there’s just one thing…the audition is in London. If I got the role, I’d have to move there.”
Finn just stared at Kurt as his entire world seemed to crumble around him, the foundations cracking and giving way until all that was left was a memory of how things used to be.
----
Finn was determined to make his final month with Kurt memorable. Because there was no doubt in his mind that Kurt would get the part.
“You can keep staying here, Finn. I’ll probably come back when it’s over, anyway. And if not, I’ll come back when I can. And before you say anything, it’s fine. I own this place. I have enough money to get a place in London. It’s fine, Finn, trust me - consider this place yours. Just try not to trash it, okay?” Kurt said, having finished packing. He would be leaving in four days.
“Kurt, are you sure? Because I am sure that I could work something out,” Finn said. Kurt shook his head, insistent.
“No, Finn. Unless you want to move out, you can stay here. You are welcome here as long as you need - you know that.”
“I do, I just feel bad staying here while you aren’t around.”
“Finn. It’s fine. Trust me.”
Finn looked at him. He was going to miss him.
“I’ll miss you,” he said softly. Kurt smiled at him.
“I’ll miss you, too.”
----
“Well, that’s me done. I’m off tomorrow, Finn. My big break! I can hardly believe it. I have to get on the plane to London at midday. I’ll miss you, you know,” Kurt smiled. Finn felt something inside him stir, and hoped that no one came in to the coffee shop and disturbed them.
“I’ll miss you, too, Kurt,” Finn said.
“It’ll be weird, getting up and not seeing you taking up the entire couch,” Kurt teased. Finn managed a weak chuckle, then had to go and serve someone before coming back to his friend.
“It’ll be weird using the bathroom without a million different creams in there,” Finn teased back. Kurt laughed.
“I could leave you some, if you’d like,” he offered. Finn shook his head.
“No, I’ve no idea what they all do. I’d probably give myself a rash or burn my face off or something.”
Kurt eyed him for a moment, then laughed.
“Yeah, you’re probably right.”
“But still. I think I’ll miss those creams.”
“Yeah. I think I’ll miss the couch.”
Finn gasped, all mock offended, and Kurt grinned at him.
“And maybe, just maybe, I’ll miss you lying on it.”
“I’m sure you won’t.”
“Aw, Finn. I’ll be back. I promise.”
“That was the worst Arnold Schwarzenegger impression I’ve ever heard.”
Kurt raised an eyebrow at Finn.
“That wasn’t an impression.”
Finn blinked.
“Oh. That explains it then.”
“Hey, Finn?”
“Yeah?”
“Come here.”
“Why?”
“Just…just come here.”
Finn came from behind the counter. Kurt stepped forward and wrapped his arms silently around Finn’s waist. Finn blinked, startled, before wrapping his arms cautiously around Kurt, then held him tighter. Kurt fit just right against his chest. It felt nice. Better than nice. Finn rested his chin on top of Kurt’s head and breathed in the scent of his shampoo - it smelt of strawberries - and closed his eyes, allowing himself to imagine, even if only for a moment, that Kurt wasn’t leaving, and that they were so much more than just friends.
“I will miss you really, you great oaf,” Kurt whispered, his voice wavering dangerously. Finn felt tears prickle in his own eyes.
“I’ll miss you, too,” he breathed.
They stayed like that for a long time, and no one told Finn off for not serving customers, because they sensed that he needed those last few moments with Kurt. Finn had never been more grateful for anything.
----
When Finn awoke the next day, Kurt had already left. There was a note on the dining table with Kurt’s writing on it.
Finn,
I thought I’d leave you a little letter. I wasn’t going to, then I couldn’t stop myself.
I’m glad that I asked you to move in with me. I was lonely rattling around here by myself. I didn’t have any friends in the city, not really. I mean, there were the people at work, but we didn’t really socialise. So it was nice to have someone living here.
The past…gosh, how long has it been? Too long. About a year? Less? More? Not even a year, I don’t think, that we’ve know each other. Or maybe it is. I’ve never been so fantastic with things like that. I suppose it has been a year by now, though. It’s been a good year, hasn’t it? I think it has. I’d like to think you think that, too.
I’ve never been to England before, so it’s scary. It’s even scarier going alone to a big city where I don’t know anyone. But I’ve done it before, right? When I moved from Dundee. Yeah, I’ve done it before. The only difference now is that it’s a different country.
I thought that we could write to each other while I’m away. I mean, it’s a good way to keep in contact, right? Much cheaper than phone calls. Don’t get me wrong, I’d love to call you, I just know how expensive it will be. So I thought this would work just as well, although half the time I can’t read your hand writing and so may have to find a de coder. But still, I am sure that it’ll work.
I thought that maybe we could send each other things. Like, I could send you something with London on it. You don’t really have to send me anything back - I just thought you might like something with London on it. You probably wouldn’t. Sorry. I’ll probably send you something anything.
I’m sorry is this letter doesn’t make much sense - I wrote it before I’d had my coffee, and you know that I’m not at my best before my caffeine fix. But I hope that it makes sense. I really do.
I’ll miss you, Finn Hudson.
Kurt.
Finn read the letter several times, then went and slipped it into the drawer on his bedside table.
----
London was terrifying.
It didn’t help that flying always made Kurt feel a little woozy. He stepped off the plane and gathered his things and managed to find a taxi to take him to a reasonably priced hotel. Kurt had decided that he wasn’t going to get an apartment unless he actually got the role.
The strangest part about it all was how much he missed Finn already. Finn had become such a presence in his life, especially since he had moved in, that it was strange not having him there. Every time he saw something he knew Finn would like, he turned to point it out to him, only to find Finn wasn’t there. It would take him a while to get used to that.
London wasn’t like New York. New York was grid like. It had been planned. It had structure. London wasn’t grid like. It hadn’t been planned. It had no structure at all that Kurt could figure out. The roads twisted and turned and he had no idea just how, exactly, he was supposed to navigate this strange city. He had come a week early so he could get used to it, but even the Underground system made no sense to him at all.
But Londoners, he found, did dress impeccably.
The audition, he thought, went well. Maria said that they’d be in contact with him within two weeks, and so Kurt spent a frantic two weeks worrying and trying to figure London out and buying things and writing to Finn and sending him things. And worrying - he spent a lot of time worrying.
When he got the phone call saying he’d got the part, Kurt couldn’t resist ringing Finn.
“’Lo?” Finn said sleepily down the phone.
“Oh, Finn! I’m sorry! Did I wake you?”
“Kurt? Hey, yeah, you did. It’s, like, six in the mornin’ here.”
“I’m sorry!”
“Hey, it’s fine. What did you want?”
“I got the part!”
“Really? That’s fantastic!”
“Yeah, it is! I just had to ring you and tell you. I’m going to start apartment hunting soon.”
“Great. I hope you find somewhere.”
“So do I, Finn. So do I.”
----
Finn was moping and feeling sorry for himself when the phone rang.
“Hello?” he said forlornly.
“Finn?”
“Quinn?”
“Yeah, it’s me. How are you?”
“Crappy. You?”
“I’m fine. We haven’t seen you in a while.”
“I know. I’ve…not been going out much.”
“I noticed.”
There was a silence.
“I’m in love with Kurt,” Finn suddenly blurted.
“You’re what?”
“I’m in love with Kurt. And he moved to London. And he got the role. And he’s staying there. And I love him.”
“Finn, you’re coming out. Meet us in an hour.”
----
The lead female role was played by a black girl called Mercedes. She, too, was from America. From, incidentally, the same town as Finn.
“Lima, Ohio? Yeah, I grew up there. Did you say his name was Finn?”
“Finn Hudson.”
Mercedes frowned, then smiled.
“Yeah, I remember him. Tall, brown hair, jock?”
“Yes, that’s him.”
“We didn’t talk much.”
“Not in the same social circles?”
“Not at all.”
“Shame. I think he’d like you.”
Mercedes eyed him critically.
“Really?”
“Yeah. Really.”
----
Finn was sat in a booth at a restaurant waiting for Puck and Quinn. He had wanted Kurt to be there, but he knew that after the disastrous first meeting that having Kurt and Puck in close range to each other was not a good idea. It could easily end with Kurt having a broken nose. And besides, Kurt was on the other side of an ocean.
“So. When’d you become a fag?”
This was how Puck greeted his friend of ten years. Finn narrowed his eyes at him as Quinn slid in - smiling warmly at Finn in greeting - and Puck fell into the seat next to her.
“Puck,” Quinn said softly, her tone warning. Puck looked at her.
“But he’s a fag, right? He said he’s in love with a dude.”
Finn couldn’t even be angry with Puck, because that was just how he was. At one time, Finn would have been the same. That time was long ago, buried in his past, buried underneath denial and emotion and things Finn didn’t want to think about, things that he left untouched because they hurt too much.
“Just because I am in love with a man does not make me gay,” Finn murmured, playing absently with a salt packet, twisting it between his fingers and thinking a litany of thoughts about Kurt, about their time together, about ice cream and chestnut hair and green-blue eyes and designer clothes and minty, fresh smelling skin and heat crackling between bodies so close but so far apart, too far apart, should be touching but not.
Finn shifted uncomfortably, aware that he was becoming hard in front of his friends just from thinking about all the little things that made Kurt, Kurt.
“Then what does it make you?” Puck demanded, breaking Finn’s train of thought. The salt packet split in his hands and the perfect little white crystals tumbled down onto the table, piling on top of one another like Finn’s racing thoughts.
“Confused,” he murmured, “very confused.”
“Kurt moved, didn’t he?” Quinn asked softly, her gentle hands clasped in the table. Finn looked at her and nodded.
“Three weeks ago. To London,” he said sadly.
“London? What the hell did he move to London for? Aren’t there way more fairies here for him to give AIDs to?”
Finn would not stand for that. He lasered his eyes on his friend, hands curling into tight fists.
“Kurt Hummel,” he hissed, “does not have AIDs, and unlike you does not feel the need to have sex with anything and everything that moves, and some things that don’t.”
Puck looked startled at Finn’s outburst, and Quinn had to bite her lower lip to stop her laughter. Puck merely blinked.
“Sorry, dude. Didn’t mean to…y’know…I’m gonna go pee,” Puck declared, getting up and hurrying away from the table before Finn started talking about girly shit like feelings or something.
“I’m sorry about him. He doesn’t think before he opens his mouth,” Quinn said softly. Finn nodded and traced random designs in the spilt salt.
They were silent for a moment and Quinn watched as, seemingly without thinking about it, Finn drew out the word KURT into the salt. She smiled lightly - clearly, Finn was totally smitten, and she for one was happy for him.
“He’s really something, huh?” she asked. Finn blinked at the letters in the salt then dragged his fingers over them, rubbing them out. He couldn’t look at them - they tugged at his heartstrings and reminded him of all the things he had allowed to walk away.
“He’s…yeah. He’s really something,” he murmured, head low and breath stirring the salt grains, sending them pirouetting prettily over the table top.
Quinn looked at him. They’d dated once, and she’d loved him, and a part of her always would, but it was good for him to move on. It was good for him to find someone who knew how to cheer him up, with simple things like ice cream. It had been a year since Finn had found out that her baby wasn’t his, and he had forgiven them, she knew. But he hadn’t dated in that year, and in that year a pretty little force of nature had whirl winded in, made Finn fall for him, then whirl winded away to England, leaving Finn broken and incomplete. Quinn could almost see it, the hole, roughly the same size and shape as Kurt - whom she had met only the once - sitting next to Finn now. And there was only one person who could fill it.
The only problem was, he was too far away to do any such thing.
“You really love him, don’t you?” Quinn breathed.
Finn lifted his head and looked her, brown eyes big and sad and lost. He nodded lightly.
“Yeah, I think I do. Maybe Puck is right - maybe I am just another fag,” he sighed. Quinn pursed her lips.
“Why?” she asked. Finn looked at her, confused.
“Why what?”
“Why do you love him?”
Finn paused, thinking about the question.
“Why do I love him?” he asked aloud. “Because he is sweet and caring and when I found your that…that your baby was Puck’s he just took me for ice cream and took care of me. He makes me laugh and he smells nice and his skin is soft and clear and he’s pretty and has nice hair, and it is always so shiny and nice. And he feels right in my arms, you know? Feels right and perfect and soft and like he belongs there, like that is where he is meant to be. He’s got the most amazing singing voice and he interacts so well with the audience, and he always has the same coffee after every show, always, and that was the only thing that was predictable about him, that coffee, that little cappuccino. And I liked it, liked that I knew one thing about him that was always the same, that would never change, but I liked all the things I didn’t know, too, liked that I could start to peal away the layers and find out more about him, see what was underneath. And I wanted to peal away all those layers and put them back on in the right order and know him better than anyone else in the entire world. I wanted to see him, all of him, and love him forever and never let anyone else see him that way, wanted him for myself, wanted everything he was and everything he could be and everything he had to give. I love everything, even his temper, even his moodiness when he doesn’t get enough sleep, even his aversion to sport. I just…love him.”
Quinn looked at him, watched him, listened to his voice waver as the emotion came through thick, as everything he had been bottling away came bubbling to the surface, and she was glad she had managed to get him to talk about it, because she had never heard anything so sweet in her life, and she doubted she ever would again.
“But you don’t love him because he’s a man?” Quinn asked.
“No. I love that he is a man, but I do not love him because he is one. I love him for who he is, not what he is,” Finn murmured.
“That doesn’t make you a fag, Finn. It doesn’t even make you gay. It just makes you a man in love - and you just happen to be in love with another man. It is no different than if you were still in love with me. It’s the same. There is nothing wrong with it, and do not let Puck make you feel ashamed,” she murmured. Finn smiled faintly at her.
“Thank you,” he murmured. Quinn smiled.
“I didn’t do anything, Finn. I just helped you realise what you already knew.”
----
Kurt found that he got on incredibly well with Mercedes - another self confessed diva - and with the rest of the cast. They had a good laugh together, and often went out together after rehearsals. None of them were fazed in the slightest that Kurt was gay. He wasn’t even the only gay member of the cast. It made him feel less scared about everything.
After two weeks of apartment hunting, Mercedes finally managed to convince him to move into her place with her. She lived alone, and she said she’d enjoy the company. Kurt was reminded of himself asking Finn to move in with him, and he smiled and agreed.
With the help of his new friends, Kurt slowly learnt to navigate the twists and turns of London. He learnt to use the Underground without getting lost or getting on a train going in the wrong direction. He learnt which places to avoid, which places did the best cocktails, which places had good food. He went to the theatre a lot with Mercedes, to see plays and musicals. They were all incredible, and he hoped that their musical would be received just as well.
He still wrote to Finn often, and sent him things. Finn said that he remembered Mercedes, but they never wrote to each other. It was something for Finn and Kurt, something that they shared. It wasn’t something that anyone else was allowed in on. Mercedes always smiled when she saw Kurt writing diligently away to his friend, often with a present sat next to him, waiting to be wrapped in the envelope.
“You really care about him, don’t you?” she asked. Kurt blinked and looked up from his letter - it was already four pages and he was still going strong.
“Finn? Of course I do. He’s my best friend,” Kurt said, ignoring the pang he always got when he said that.
“But you care about him as more than that.”
Kurt blushed faintly at her perceptiveness. Mercedes grinned.
“I thought as much,” she said. Kurt sighed.
“Yes, I do. I’ve had a crush on him for a long time - since we met, in fact, at the coffee shop where he works. When I asked him to move in with me, it escalated, and before I knew what had happened, I’d fallen in love with him. But…he’s straight, Mercedes. He doesn’t feel that way about me.”
“How do you know?”
“He’s always dated girls before.”
“That doesn’t mean he doesn’t feel the same way.”
“No, but it points strongly towards him not.”
“You are being narrow minded.”
“I’m gay.”
“Doesn’t mean you can’t be narrow minded.”
“Mercedes!”
“Kurt!”
“I hate you sometimes.”
“You are just mad that I figured you out.”
Kurt sighed, resigned.
“I suppose I am, a little.”
“Why don’t you tell him?”
“Because I’d really rather not risk our friendship over this. I care for him a lot, Mercedes. I don’t want to lose him.”
“I don’t think you would.”
“Well, you wouldn’t. Now, can I please continue with my letter?” he asked. Mercedes merely rolled her eyes, but left Kurt to get on with it. She had already learnt that there was there was no changing his mind once it was made up.
----
“He sent me a CD.”
Quinn looked at Finn from her seat on the sofa. He had just received a letter from Kurt, and had invited Quinn around - without Puck - to listen to it with him. He didn’t know why, entirely. He just did.
“Are you going to play it?” she asked. Finn bit his lower lip.
“Yeah,” he said. “On the letter, he said this song was in the musical.”
“Did he said what it was called?”
“Its says A House Is Not A Home on the CD,” Finn said.
“Play it, then,” Quinn said softly.
Finn pressed the CD gently into the player and hit play.
They listened to it together, and then Quinn hugged Finn, pecked him on the cheek and left him alone with his tears and a CD of Kurt singing. Singing to him. The song reminded him so much of them. Of Kurt’s empty apartment with Finn in it all alone. He listened to the song again, and again, and again.
By the time the next morning rolled around, Finn had made up his mind. He was going to tell Kurt exactly how he felt, and he was going to do it the same way Kurt had.
----
“Finn sent me a CD!”
Mercedes looked up from where she had been painting her toenails.
“Did he now?” she asked. Kurt nodded, positively beaming.
“He said it was in repayment for mine. He said he loved the song.”
“How could he not? You own that song.”
Kurt blushed prettily.
“Thanks.”
“What song is it?”
“It just says The Call on the CD.”
“Do you think it’s…”
“I don’t know. I doubt it. Let’s listen, anyway.”
Kurt put the CD into the player and hit play.
It was, he soon realised. It was the one Mercedes had thought, and they stared at each other. Kurt had watched the film with Finn. Several times. But he had never thought that Finn would sing this for him. It sounded very different in Finn’s baritone. Kurt thought it sounded infinitely better.
“Kurt. I think you need to go back to New York.”
“I can’t. We have a show tonight.”
“After the show. You get on the first place back there.”
“I can’t, Mercedes. I have the show, and this is my big break. How can I give that up?”
Mercedes looked at him very serious for a long moment.
“Kurt. You might only get once chance at this in your life. And you need to grab it with both hands and never let go.”
That night after the performance, Kurt ran to the airport and got a ticket for the first place to New York, still in his costume.
----
A few days later, Finn was working in the coffee shop. It was around midday, and they were busy, and he was happily serving and chatting with the regulars and watching the world go by outside the window. It was a Saturday, and it was still strange not to have Kurt singing. But he was getting used to it. Slowly.
But the last thing he had expected was for Kurt to come barrelling into the shop.
He was wearing a white button up shirt and black trousers with black shined shoes. A bow tie was slung, un tied, around his neck. He looked worn, and his hair was dishevelled, and the top button of his shirt was undone and it had been rucked to one side, exposing a delicious amount of skin around Kurt’s left shoulder. He looked beautiful.
“Kurt? What are you doing here?” Finn asked. He came out from behind the counter, and they walked slowly towards each other.
Kurt said nothing, just stared up at him for a long time, blue-green eyes wide, breath still coming out in soft pants. Then, without warning, he threw his arms around Finn’s neck and dragged his head down until their foreheads were touching.
“Finn Hudson,” he breathed, his warm breath caressing Finn’s face, “I’m never letting go.”
And then he closed the gap between them, pressing their lips together firmly and not letting go.