Morning
Mornings
It is just another one of those mornings to Himchan, when he’ll wake up next to a softly sleeping Youngguk and smoothly roll out of bed after a few minutes of mentally complaining about the early hour. He’ll quietly tiptoe to the bathroom, careful not to wake his boyfriend of 3 years up and take a quick shower before tiptoeing back into the bedroom to get dressed.
He'll try to be as quiet as possible but it will take so long for him to decide what to wear that Youngguk will, without exception, wake up anyway.
He'll never be angry though, only answering Himchan's regretful look with his warm, gummy smile that Himchan adores. They'll share a quick kiss (that will always turn into something more if Youngguk gets to decide, which he will most of the time) before Himchan hurries to the kitchen to make breakfast, almost always on the brink of or already being late for his work at the kindergarten.
He’ll quickly brew enough coffee for both him and Youngguk and eat a sandwich or two (because no matter how late he is for his work Himchan needs his cup of coffee and food before he even tries to take care of the kids, even though he adores them and they adore him the same) and make his way to the hallway to put on his shoes.
Before he’ll manage to leave though Youngguk will always drag himself out of bed to bid him goodbye with a sweet kiss and another gummy smile that will never fail to make Himchan's knees weak.
After that Himchan will hurry down to the car, happy and ready to start a new day.
"I've gotten a promotion" Youngguk announces as he lazily swirls in his bowl with his chopsticks.
Himchan promptly chokes on his noodles and Youngguk grin as his boyfriend stares at him with wide, watery eyes while trying to regain control of his lungs.
"A promotion?" Himchan asks, sounding excited even though he's still coughing slightly.
"Yes, kind of" Youngguk answers. “I have gotten my own studio and will be the main producer of an album for a new idol group"
"That's great!" Himchan’s voice is high-pitched as he smiles brightly at his boyfriend, finally rid of the noodles in his throat “Congrats hunny, it has been your dream for so long! Seems like things are going straight upwards!”
Youngguk laughs and his eyes tinkle happily.
“Yes, everything will get better for us from now on”
"Let's celebrate!" Himchan exclaims and stand up excitedly. "I'll go and get cake for desert!" He turns around and walks towards the door, mind filled with the amazing cheesecakes from the daejae bakery a block away. He never makes it to the door though because strong arms wrap around him from behind as Youngguk effectively cages him in his embrace and stops Himchan from going a step further.
"I'd rather have another kind of desert" Youngguk whisper against Himchan’s ear suggestively and the other can hear the grin in his voice.
Heat pool in Himchan's stomach and he swallows audibly.
"Okay"
It is just another one of those mornings to Himchan, when he’ll wake up next to a softly sleeping Youngguk and smoothly roll out of bed after a few minutes of mentally wondering if the space between him and the other is getting broader than the day before. He’ll quietly tiptoe to the bathroom, careful not to wake his boyfriend of 3 years up and take a quick shower before tiptoeing back into the bedroom to get dressed.
He'll try to be as quiet as possible but it will take so long for him to decide what to wear that Youngguk will, without exception, wake up anyway.
He'll try to be as quiet as possible but it will take so long for him to decide what to wear that Youngguk will, without exception, wake up anyway.
Youngguk will sigh and force a smile, pretending not to be annoyed and tired as Himchan sends him an apologetic look. He’ll lean down and quickly give Youngguk a sweet peck on the lips which the other will barely respond to, already half asleep.
After that Himchan will go into the kitchen to make breakfast with a lump in his throat and a decennia of time before his work starts.
He’ll still make coffee for the two of them but more often than not Youngguk won’t have the time to drink it at home and take a coffee to go instead (and Himchan will come home later and throw out the cold coffee with a weird feeling in his stomach although it really shouldn’t matter. But it feels like it does, like the warm coffee turned cold is a metaphor.)
Sometimes Youngguk won't come out to kiss Himchan goodbye and he’ll leave after standing in the hallway for way too long, causing him to almost be late for all the wrong reasons.
Himchan will slowly drag himself to the car, dreading the long day ahead of him.
And he’ll wonder about what happened to the ‘everything will get better for us from now on’ because to him, it doesn’t feel like there even is an ‘us’ anymore.
It’s only Youngguk and his career and to Himchan that is a ‘them’.
He can’t see himself in that picture.
“I feel like I’m annoying you” Himchan confesses quietly as they sit by the dining table. It’s starting to become a rare occurrence that Youngguk is there at dinner time and even when he’s sitting right opposite of Himchan he feels so much more distant than before. Like he isn’t listening to Himchan at all. “Like everything I do is wrong”
And I’m not sure I can live while constantly feeling unwanted anymore.
“What? You’re not annoying” Youngguk assures, sounding distracted and glancing at his phone. Himchan looks down at his food and it doesn’t feel like that answer is enough.
“Are we losing?” The question is out before Himchan can stop it and Youngguk blinks up at him.
"Losing? Losing what? Why would we be losing?” He asks and smiles uncertainly “I'm winning right now Himchan, things are going up!"
"But not for me" Himchan whispers and looks down on his plate. It’s not really meant for Youngguk to hear but the other manages to snap it up anyway.
"I don’t see why not?” He asks with a frown “If you don’t you like your job then quit."
“It’s not my job, everything is not about our careers you know” Himchan lets the sentence sink in before he continues “I feel as if you’re not listening anymore” Himchan explains and looks up at Youngguk, just to catch him glance at his phone as it vibrates.
“Of course I’m listening” he answers without even looking at Himchan.
Anger swells up without warning inside Himchan and his eyes turn hard.
"I could leave." He snaps, more to get a reaction than because it’s actually true.
Because no matter what Himchan is not sure he could leave Youngguk after all this time.
At least it make his boyfriend look up at him and Himchan feels a strange satisfaction at his chocked expression. They stare at each other for the longest time, Himchan’s satisfaction slowly disappearing in the black hole that’s slowly taking over his chest for every second Youngguk stays frozen in his seat.
Are you seriously going to let me go?
Youngguk ends up not saying anything.
His phone suddenly rings and they both jump in surprise at the sudden noise in the other quiet kitchen. Youngguk blinks and look down at the screen with a frown.
"I have to take this, we’ll have to talk about this later. Just remember what you want to say and we’ll solve this" He quickly says and casts a short look at Himchan before he stands up and walks away, phone already pressed against his ear.
And Himchan figures out and remembers what to say.
It’s Youngguk that forgets to ask.
Are we losing hope? Because I don’t know what we’re doing anymore.
It was just another one of those mornings to Himchan. When he'd wake up without Youngguk by his side. Sometimes he'd walk out to find that his boyfriend had fallen asleep on the sofa, probably sometime in the middle of the night when he got kicked out of his studio by the cleaners. Other times Youngguk wouldn't be home and all Himchan would receive is a phone call hours later from Youngguk, explaining that he came home and left before Himchan woke up.
Himchan is not sure he still believes those texts.
And it makes him feel cold.
A cold no warm shower can cure. A cold that makes it feel as if his lungs are made of ice as he takes on whatever clothes he sees first. A cold that makes his throat sting and him breathe out snowflakes as he drinks his coffee and eat a sandwich for breakfast.
Himchan doesn’t know why he haven’t changed his alarm yet, he’s always too early these mornings and the apartment walls are closing in on him as he waits for time to go. Maybe it’s for the same reason that he still makes enough coffee for Youngguk even though he knows the other won’t drink it.
Because he’s still holding onto hope.
Even though Youngguk never told him not to leave.
It’s a weekend and for once Youngguk is home. His album is borderline finished and he took the weekend off just to celebrate with Himchan.
Himchan couldn’t be happier.
He’s running around the kitchen, preparing lunch after his and Youngguk’s lazy morning in bed while singing to some new song playing on the radio. Then Youngguk walks in, fully dressed and not at all looking like he’s planning on staying home all day.
Himchan’s heart sink in his chest.
“Are you going somewhere?” He asks, faking a smile and Youngguk looks apologetic.
“I’m sorry, they called from the studio. They’ve just finished the last touch ups of the album, it is all done and they want me to listen to it” Youngguk can’t keep the excitement out of his voice and Himchan doesn’t have the heart to destroy his good mood.
“That’s great hunny” He says, voice sounding high pitched and false in his own ears but Youngguk doesn’t seem to notice.
He doesn’t notice a lot of things these days.
“I’m finally getting my own album Himchan, I can’t believe it! It’s done!” He rambles and drags a hand through his hair. “I’m so sorry, but I just have to go”
“I accept your apologize” Himchan says, making it funny with a wink.
I can’t lie to your face and say that it’s okay.
Youngguk grins happily and takes the few steps needed to cross the kitchen and get to Himchan.
“I’m so lucky to have you” Youngguk whispers as he drags Himchan into his arms and Himchan’s heart shatters in a million pieces.
Then show me because right now I don’t know if you’re telling the truth.
Youngguk kisses him quickly before he lets go with a promise to be back soon. He sounds extremely happy and excited now that his album soon will be done and Himchan laughs as Youngguk quickly kisses him again before he goes.
He knows that Youngguk won’t be back for a long time
And Himchan decides that it’s time to stop hoping.
That was their last goodbye kiss.
I’m not sure I can live while constantly feeling unwanted anymore.
It is not another one of those mornings for Himchan. Today he wakes up on the sofa in Youngjae and Daehyun's apartment to the sounds of a loud banging on the front door.
Youngjae stumbles out from the bedroom, looking momently confused before his eyes fall on Himchan and he remember how the other showed up yesterday and why. He swallows hard and his eyes fly to the door.
"I'm not here" Himchan whispers before he gets up to go and search for a hiding spot.
Youngjae nods in response and Himchan can hear him go out in the hallway to the front door and opens it slowly.
"What-"
"Don't even try Youngjae, I know that he's here." Youngguk’s voice bites out and Himchan hurries as far away from the front door he can come, positive that Youngguk managed to storm past the other male before he could protest. Himchan half-runs past the bedroom just as Daehyun walks out. He looks confused but Himchan offers no explanation as he rushes past towards the bathroom. He makes his way in, hearing Youngguk’s foot steps behind him and tries to close the door as quickly as possible.
He’s not fast enough.
Youngguk jerks up the bathroom door, making Himchan almost fly out of the room and Daehyun release a startled cry. Youngguk takes a vice grip around Himchan's wrist, ignoring any attempt to break free and starts dragging the other towards the door. The others tries to stop him or calm him down but all he does is pushing them out of the way and telling them to mind their own business. He drags Himchan down to their car, not caring if he hurts the other or that he's only dressed in a shirt and boxers- his normal sleeping attire.
"Let go of me Youngguk, I'm leaving!" Himchan screeches but Youngguk doesn’t even lessen his painful grip.
"No you’re not" He answers instead and shoves the other into the backseat. "We're clearing things out" He closes the door behind him, locking the car as he walks around it to get into the driver seat so that Himchan can't get out.
"There's nothing to clear out" Himchan mutters as Youngguk opens the door and jumps into the car.
The other doesn't seem to have heard him because Youngguk doesn't say anything and the silence stretches the entire car ride home, every attempt Himchan does to talking is met with stone silence from Youngguk. Same goes for the way up to the apartment and people stare as Youngguk drags a protesting Himchan into the lobby and the elevator, smashing the button to the fifth floor. The elevator ride is deadly silent except for their heavy breathing and Himchan feel tears prickle in his eyes.
He stubbornly blinks them away and struggles all the way out of the elevator and towards the apartment.
Please don’t do this, I want to go.
"I left because I wanted to Youngguk, you have no right to just drag me back.” Himchan exclaims loudly, trying to pretend that he's angry but his shaking voice betrays him.
Youngguk still says nothing but his hands are shaking so much that he can barely get the key into the keyhole.
He still hasn’t let go of Himchan’s hand though and Himchan decides to stop struggling as it is deemed to be useless.
“We’re over” Himchan says lowly, voice breaking and tears threatening to overflow. He manages to blink them away again as Youngguk opens the door to their his apartment. He drags both of them inside and shoves Himchan against the door as soon as it is closed.
Himchan blinks in surprise at his ex-boyfriend, eyes large as their faces are suddenly inches apart. He gulps and does his best not to get lost in Youngguk's eyes.
It would be so easy.
Just apologizing and saying that everything is fine. Say that he wouldn't leave again and just let Youngguk kiss him. Just let himself deny the problems and drown in all the good.
But Himchan knows he can't do that.
Because he’s not sure there’s so many good things left.
"Explain" Youngguk says and if Himchan didn't know Youngguk better he would say that the other was begging.
But Bang Youngguk never begs.
It’s always, only Himchan begging.
And maybe that’s part of the problem.
"I'm tired of losing" Himchan whispers and Youngguk’s knit his eyes in confusion. "I'm tired of waking up alone, I'm tired of not being able to trust you anymore or really know what you're doing but most of all I am tired of the feeling of lost. Of losing my home, my security, myself and most of all you. You’re working all the time and I don’t know what to believe or think when I walk around for months feeling lonely and lost while we’re still supposed to be in a relationship. I hate feeling useless and I can't take this anymore. I'm sorry, I don't want you to quit your career or anything. I want you to be happy but I don’t feel like this is making either of us happy anymore."
“Himchan-“Youngguk starts but Himchan’s taking none of the confused look in his eyes.
Youngguk needs to start thinking instead of just blindly believing.
“It took you two days to realize that I was gone, that I wasn’t answering your texts” Himchan is almost screaming now and his tears are flowing freely, anger and sorrow twisting his chest and constricting his airways. “And you said that you just needed to listen through the songs, what where you doing when you were done with that huh?”
“I was just looking through the details!” Youngguk answers back, sounding desperate “And then someone wanted to celebrate so we went out for a meal and then I got home and slept on the bed. I thought you were out or something and I sent you a text when I woke up and you still weren’t there. I waited for your answer but it never came. I spent yesterday and this night trying to figure out where you’d gone. I asked everywhere and everyone, I was so close to calling the police when I realized you had brought most of your clothes with you.” Youngguk’s voice breaks and Himchan realizes that they’re both crying by now. “I don’t know if you’ve looked at your phone but you have at least 10 missed calls and around 15 texts. It took me over 24 hours to realize that Daehyun lied when he said he didn’t know where you were.” Youngguk leans his forehead against Himchan’s, tears streaming down both of their faces and Himchan’s vision of his black eyes are blurry.
Still, the desperation is clearly visible.
“I never meant for this to happen. Every song on that album I wrote for you” Youngguk whispers and Himchan’s breathe hitches.
It’s beautiful.
But it’s not what Himchan needs.
“I’d rather have you placing promises on my skin than lovely words on a paper.” He whispers back, voice thick and shaky.
Youngguk places both hands on Himchan’s arms, not harshly to hold him like before but softly and shaking in desperation.
“I will promise you everything I have if you stay” He whisper against Himchan’s lips.
“Forever”
It is just another one of those mornings for Himchan, when he'll wake up with Youngguk clinging on to him in his sleep, arms wrapped tightly around Himchan like a koala. Himchan will mentally wonder how Youngguk always manages to embrace him so tightly without waking him up. He’ll smile a little and allow himself to play with Youngguk’s hair for a while before he tries to get up.
Himchan will do his best to wiggle out of the bear hug without waking Youngguk up but it is an impossible task and his husband will, without exception, open one bleary eye no matter how sneaky Himchan is.
Himchan will smile at him and Youngguk will groan and drag Himchan closer (if Himchan has managed to get even a millimeter away from him before he woke up that is).
“Good morning” Himchan will whisper and press a kiss to the part of Youngguk’s face that is the closest. “I have to go, the kids have school.”
"Don't leave me again" Youngguk will whisper in his groggy sleeping voice, following their script and Himchan’s smile will widen against Youngguk’s skin. Youngguk will relax slightly as the he feels Himchan’s smile and the other will take that as an opportunity to untangle himself from the comfortable cocoon of Youngguk and blankets.
"I won't, never” He’ll say and press one kiss onto Youngguk’s lips.
"Stay with me” Youngguk will always whisper, even as his eyes are closing. “Forever"
“Forever” Himchan will whisper back, his heart swelling as he tiptoes to the bathroom, carefully avoiding Junhong and Jongup’s toys that are sprawled all over the floor and leaving his tired husband to fall back into slumber.