Thunderbirds don't live forever
Thunderbirds don’t live forever
I’ll light up your world and in return you’ll let me drown.
I am the soft waves against the shore. I am the explosion of water wearing down the cliffs. Slow and steady, precisely and patiently using my power until there is no resistance left and the ground is reformed. I am the ocean, calm on the edge but a mess of life and streams under it. I am the ocean, large waves messing up the edge when the winds upset me too much but always keeping my relative cool underneath. I am filled with feelings and life. Filled with passion, happiness, ambition, love, hate, sadness, relief and hope. Sometimes my feelings are cold, sometimes they storm up to the edge and drown innocent and not-so innocent people. Sometimes they are warm, the life giving rain over the dried out farmlands.
My feelings signalize that I am alive.
So what is he?
He is the lightning. He is the earthshattering storms that destroy everything in their way and leave the pieces behind for someone else to pick up. He’s a chock of light: blinding, brilliant and alive. Scary, yes, but still so incredibly fascinating. He’s the thunder that shakes the ground and leaves goose bumps on your flesh. Dangerous, yes, but still so captivating. He’s shocking, electrifying, mysterious, crackles of perfection in the dark, the dark itself and the smell of metal and fire as the earth erupts in lightning. As everything calm and collected turns into a beautiful mess. As your nerves pulsate with electricity and the air itself shakes of the raw power.
And then he leaves.
And you’re left realising that lightning incredibly cold, a kind of cold I could never be.
The kind of cold coming from not feeling anything at all.
Because lightning and thunder might seem like it is full of emotion but storms aren’t emotion in themselves. They simply provoke emotion. They simply provoke destruction. They whisper poison into your ear as sleep neglects you in the darkest hours of the night.
He have emotions for the moment. He is the clash of lightning that disappears so quickly- leaving you with nothing but a memory as you stare at the ruins of everything you’ve ever known.
But he might come back
And I let him every time
Because I like the sound of poison.
Sometimes I don’t want to breathe. Breathing means I am alive. Sometimes I just want to drown, die, come to heaven and pretend I deserve to be there.
He’s beautiful.
In a way I can’t really put my finger on. It’s not like with Luhan or Jongin, where their pure perfection leaves you blinking, stuttering and wondering how someone can ever be that flawless.
No.
His kind of beautiful is messy and wild, with flaws and imperfections. It’s sharp and mysterious, with wild hair, a slim but strong body and cheekbones cut in glass. It’s an electric smile and sharp tongue in combination with raw sex appeal and untamed looks that leaves you longing for a touch. For the taste of something so untamed, something so electrifying. You want to feel the small chocks running down your spine. You want them to heightening your senses and mind until you feel a little bit like he looks. Wild, free,
Indestructible.
And little do you ever imagine that it will destroy you more than you’ve ever been destroyed before.
But maybe that’s what you want.
To be destroyed.
Maybe that’s what I wanted when I decided that it was okay to fall for thunder.
And as I trace my fingers down the bridge of his nose when he lies asleep next to me in the early morning hours I realise that I don’t regret it at all.
Even though my heart is far from Indestructible, wild or free. Instead it’s in smithereens.
Jongdae slowly opens his eyes, brown orbs meeting mine with startling clarity for someone that supposedly just woke up. I don’t smile at him or take away my hand as I follow the outline of his cheeks down towards his mouth and trace his lower lip with my thumb. I don't need to hide behind a smile.
He knows what I was doing. He knows what I'm thinking.
And I’m intoxicated by it. By Jongdae. By his way of knowing every part of me and then break them one by one. By his touch as he traces his fingers lovingly down my chest, leaving cracks and holes on my skin as he goes. By his lips, his eyes and every part of his body I can mark and pretend that it’s mine for a while. Even though I’m well aware that he’s far away from mine. Even though I know that Jongdae’s been with the boys down town and the fliers in the sky and the princes of the north and the masters of the south and the healers in the west and the wanderers of the moon and the dancers of the sun in the time he’s been gone.
I still open my door and let him fill my blood with poison and my veins with electricity and I still let him go without leaving any promises or words of love in his trace and with my heart pouring out of my chest.
Because if I don’t let him go he won’t be able to come back.
He regards me with a small smile tugging his lips, the constant half-craziness and sexy amusement tinkling in his eyes.
“Wouldn’t it be a shame if it was always storming in one place?” He whisper and I decide not to answer.
(Even though I imagine to hear a whisper of regret in his voice)
It fascinates me to no end how you can feel so much at one time. How you can manage to be happy and sad and loving and patience all in one go.
And hold on to all these feelings.
Don't they fly away sometimes?
Can you teach me how to make mine stay?
He tried to explain it to me once, why thunderbirds are like they are.
"It's like I forget the feeling that I am in love with this" He whispered, playing with my fingers above our head in the sunlight. We were lying on the beach at that time, the waves moving to the pace of my heartbeat. "That my feelings just disappear, dies. I still remember everything but not why I wanted to stay. Why I loved you. And I find something else, someone else and the same thing happens over and over again. Maybe it’s because thunderbirds aren’t immortal, our ability of holding onto things like feelings and life are more limited than yours. Or maybe our time is just so short that we have to live in the moment” He stayed quiet for a while after that, letting the words make their cuts before he continued “But it’s different with you. You’re slightly different. Because I fall in love with you every time I come back. That only happens with you. No one else" He looked me deep in the eyes, sunlight illuminating his eyes and eyelashes and he was so beautiful.
But it still broke my heart, making the waves still until the entire ocean laid blank. Because even in my broken state of mind I know it is not a privilege to have your heart broken over and over again.
One day you will look back and realize that I was one big mistake
And I’m selfishly glad I won’t be around when I do.
I love him. In a beautiful, mentally insane way with no room for beautiful words or returned feelings. I love him every day and every night of every year even as I’m bleeding from every scar he’s ever left me. I love him as he smiles at me and kisses me and laughs at my boring jokes. Even as the knowledge that the adoration in his eyes will disappear make my stomach twist. And I love him equally as much when it does.
And I'd give up anything if I could just spend the rest of my days in his darkness.
But of course that's not how we works, not how we can ever be.
Because there are things we can never talk about. Subjects that his nature of being doesn't allow us to bring up. Words that will for always leave deep, dark holes in our conversation.
Holes that becomes hour long silences on mornings like these. Holes that no kisses or touches or acts can ever fix.
This time I've already had him in a month. He will leave soon. I can see it in his eyes that it’s time to go to the next in line and leave me behind.
Standing emotionless in the sunlight.
Kyungsoo says I’m mad and he’s right
If I were something else, would we have been happy?
Would I have been able to make you happy?
Because now, in the end, that's the only thing I regret not being able to do.
I need him. The terror of his thunder and the sting from his electricity. I need Jongdae to turn Sehun's soft respectful winds that only causes small waves on my ocean into roaring walls of hard air that crashes into it and takes my breathe away.
They say life is a rollercoaster and I agree. It's no fun when it's only going up. Mine is always going up for too long until the air gets so thin that I can barely breathe.
That's when I need him.
I need him to tilt my rollercoaster downwards and drag me all the way back to the ground in break-neck speed so I can feel the adrenaline pumping through my veins. I need to feel how it feels not to be perfect, not to be respected and respectful and rich and successful. I want to feel how it feels to be loved in a not so lovely way. To do something stupid that is uncalculated and not so amusing at all. I want to make a mistake and fall and never quite get up again.
I need Jongdae to be the most beautiful mistake I will never regret.
And I can start my climb back up on my rollercoaster later when he leaves. And I will constantly be waiting for the rollercoaster to go down again.
Jongdae roll out of the bed and start searching for his boxers and clothes. The room is more charged with tension than the air outside, even as it shiver with anticipation of the storm to come. And I decide to continue lying in bed, not quite ready to get up yet.
I can feel it now. My body cramping as the pressure of the storm becomes too much and the power takes over.
“I’m sorry for breaking you Joonmyun” He says slowly and looks out of the roof-to-floor window. I stand inside, leaning against the wall with a glass of wine in my hand. We’re both fully dressed now although he looks perfectly put together while I look like a mess.
“Don’t worry, it has been a pleasure” I answer, surprisingly speaking the truth and he turns around to look at me.
My breath hitches.
For the first time there isn’t any sexy amusement in his eyes or half-craziness in his features. It's so unexpected that I can't help but blink and flinch slightly in surprise.
“I’m not coming back” He says and I swear there’s sadness in his eyes. A bottomless, deep sadness. Like the one that splits the bottom of my soul in the dark deep oceans every time I remember why we can never really be. Like something that I feel. Like something he shouldn’t be able to. It makes me insides constrict and it’s suddenly so much harder to breathe.
It’s a promise
But not the one I wanted.
“Why?” Is the only thing I manage to croaks out.
“I’m not a magician like you Joonmyun. Thunderbirds don’t live forever” He says
And smiles.
And it’s so real, so full of feelings and so un-suggestive that I’m rendered breathless and immobile. He spreads his arms out and fall back and I can only stare as he floats off in the sky, lightning crackling around him and thunder rumbling in the distance.
My last wish is that you survive Joonmyun. Because the least I can do is giving you a chance to move on.
It takes too long time for me to realise what he meant.
By the time I do he has blended in with the clouds and I can't send out a water rope to drag him back. He’s already gone.
For the first time that doesn't stop me and my wine glass crashes to the floor as I throw myself out of the window, hoping that he has enough control to let me soar on the currents.
He does and I fly through the storm, the lightning surrounding me and missing me with millimetres. I scream his name, hoping he'll come to me.
He doesn't and the lightning around me get closer, making every strand of hair on my body stand straight up. If one of them hit me I will die.
But I don't care.
Because Jongdae is so much more important than eternity.
I can hear his song all around me, mixing beautiful with the clashing of lightning and rumbling of thunder. It's despair and desperation on the brink of insanity but still the most beautiful sound I've ever heard. It's intoxicating. It burns in my ears and down my throat and into my blood like my 6th glass of vodka and make my head spin.
It's so, so dangerous, like he's always been but this time it’s worse. Still I keep searching. I plead to the clouds and the wind and the lightning just to let me hold him one last time. To touch his cheeks and fill our silence with the words that I can’t and shouldn’t but have to say to him before he leaves. I think I see a glimpse of his silhouette more than once but with a blink it's gone, leaving me with nothing but the growing feeling of despair.
I don't know how long I fly on the currents.
I don't know when I crash into the sea due to the currents getting too wild. I simply don’t care. I just to create a water pillar to help me up in the sky again.
All I can think is that if he sees how much I'm hurting he'll let me come to him, he’ll stay in place for a minute and let me find him. It’s a desperate hope but it’s the only one I have. I beg and I cry and I search, not caring if my water pillar flows over houses down in the city; that should be the least of the inhabitant’s worries anyway. Because the storm is the worst this city has seen in ages.
And when it suddenly starts to thin out I am sure they are all feeling relived.
I, on the other hand, feel crushed.
I shake with fear as the lightning turn less frequent. My heart stops as the clouds slowly, gradually turns whiter. I choke on my tears as the wind lessen in power. I fall down on the floor of my apartment, having come through the same window that we left out of, and I find myself wishing that the lightning would have hit me.
The storm seems to have destroyed every house in the town except mine. It seems to have killed thousands of people
But not me.
And he never comes back.
And I spend an eternity without him, barley breathing as the rollercoaster keep going up.
You’re an angel Joonmyun and the only piece of heaven I’ll ever have.
Goodbye.
I’ll light up your world and in return you’ll let me drown.
I am the soft waves against the shore. I am the explosion of water wearing down the cliffs. Slow and steady, precisely and patiently using my power until there is no resistance left and the ground is reformed. I am the ocean, calm on the edge but a mess of life and streams under it. I am the ocean, large waves messing up the edge when the winds upset me too much but always keeping my relative cool underneath. I am filled with feelings and life. Filled with passion, happiness, ambition, love, hate, sadness, relief and hope. Sometimes my feelings are cold, sometimes they storm up to the edge and drown innocent and not-so innocent people. Sometimes they are warm, the life giving rain over the dried out farmlands.
My feelings signalize that I am alive.
So what is he?
He is the lightning. He is the earthshattering storms that destroy everything in their way and leave the pieces behind for someone else to pick up. He’s a chock of light: blinding, brilliant and alive. Scary, yes, but still so incredibly fascinating. He’s the thunder that shakes the ground and leaves goose bumps on your flesh. Dangerous, yes, but still so captivating. He’s shocking, electrifying, mysterious, crackles of perfection in the dark, the dark itself and the smell of metal and fire as the earth erupts in lightning. As everything calm and collected turns into a beautiful mess. As your nerves pulsate with electricity and the air itself shakes of the raw power.
And then he leaves.
And you’re left realising that lightning incredibly cold, a kind of cold I could never be.
The kind of cold coming from not feeling anything at all.
Because lightning and thunder might seem like it is full of emotion but storms aren’t emotion in themselves. They simply provoke emotion. They simply provoke destruction. They whisper poison into your ear as sleep neglects you in the darkest hours of the night.
He have emotions for the moment. He is the clash of lightning that disappears so quickly- leaving you with nothing but a memory as you stare at the ruins of everything you’ve ever known.
But he might come back
And I let him every time
Because I like the sound of poison.
Sometimes I don’t want to breathe. Breathing means I am alive. Sometimes I just want to drown, die, come to heaven and pretend I deserve to be there.
He’s beautiful.
In a way I can’t really put my finger on. It’s not like with Luhan or Jongin, where their pure perfection leaves you blinking, stuttering and wondering how someone can ever be that flawless.
No.
His kind of beautiful is messy and wild, with flaws and imperfections. It’s sharp and mysterious, with wild hair, a slim but strong body and cheekbones cut in glass. It’s an electric smile and sharp tongue in combination with raw sex appeal and untamed looks that leaves you longing for a touch. For the taste of something so untamed, something so electrifying. You want to feel the small chocks running down your spine. You want them to heightening your senses and mind until you feel a little bit like he looks. Wild, free,
Indestructible.
And little do you ever imagine that it will destroy you more than you’ve ever been destroyed before.
But maybe that’s what you want.
To be destroyed.
Maybe that’s what I wanted when I decided that it was okay to fall for thunder.
And as I trace my fingers down the bridge of his nose when he lies asleep next to me in the early morning hours I realise that I don’t regret it at all.
Even though my heart is far from Indestructible, wild or free. Instead it’s in smithereens.
Jongdae slowly opens his eyes, brown orbs meeting mine with startling clarity for someone that supposedly just woke up. I don’t smile at him or take away my hand as I follow the outline of his cheeks down towards his mouth and trace his lower lip with my thumb. I don't need to hide behind a smile.
He knows what I was doing. He knows what I'm thinking.
And I’m intoxicated by it. By Jongdae. By his way of knowing every part of me and then break them one by one. By his touch as he traces his fingers lovingly down my chest, leaving cracks and holes on my skin as he goes. By his lips, his eyes and every part of his body I can mark and pretend that it’s mine for a while. Even though I’m well aware that he’s far away from mine. Even though I know that Jongdae’s been with the boys down town and the fliers in the sky and the princes of the north and the masters of the south and the healers in the west and the wanderers of the moon and the dancers of the sun in the time he’s been gone.
I still open my door and let him fill my blood with poison and my veins with electricity and I still let him go without leaving any promises or words of love in his trace and with my heart pouring out of my chest.
Because if I don’t let him go he won’t be able to come back.
He regards me with a small smile tugging his lips, the constant half-craziness and sexy amusement tinkling in his eyes.
“Wouldn’t it be a shame if it was always storming in one place?” He whisper and I decide not to answer.
(Even though I imagine to hear a whisper of regret in his voice)
It fascinates me to no end how you can feel so much at one time. How you can manage to be happy and sad and loving and patience all in one go.
And hold on to all these feelings.
Don't they fly away sometimes?
Can you teach me how to make mine stay?
He tried to explain it to me once, why thunderbirds are like they are.
"It's like I forget the feeling that I am in love with this" He whispered, playing with my fingers above our head in the sunlight. We were lying on the beach at that time, the waves moving to the pace of my heartbeat. "That my feelings just disappear, dies. I still remember everything but not why I wanted to stay. Why I loved you. And I find something else, someone else and the same thing happens over and over again. Maybe it’s because thunderbirds aren’t immortal, our ability of holding onto things like feelings and life are more limited than yours. Or maybe our time is just so short that we have to live in the moment” He stayed quiet for a while after that, letting the words make their cuts before he continued “But it’s different with you. You’re slightly different. Because I fall in love with you every time I come back. That only happens with you. No one else" He looked me deep in the eyes, sunlight illuminating his eyes and eyelashes and he was so beautiful.
But it still broke my heart, making the waves still until the entire ocean laid blank. Because even in my broken state of mind I know it is not a privilege to have your heart broken over and over again.
One day you will look back and realize that I was one big mistake
And I’m selfishly glad I won’t be around when I do.
I love him. In a beautiful, mentally insane way with no room for beautiful words or returned feelings. I love him every day and every night of every year even as I’m bleeding from every scar he’s ever left me. I love him as he smiles at me and kisses me and laughs at my boring jokes. Even as the knowledge that the adoration in his eyes will disappear make my stomach twist. And I love him equally as much when it does.
And I'd give up anything if I could just spend the rest of my days in his darkness.
But of course that's not how we works, not how we can ever be.
Because there are things we can never talk about. Subjects that his nature of being doesn't allow us to bring up. Words that will for always leave deep, dark holes in our conversation.
Holes that becomes hour long silences on mornings like these. Holes that no kisses or touches or acts can ever fix.
This time I've already had him in a month. He will leave soon. I can see it in his eyes that it’s time to go to the next in line and leave me behind.
Standing emotionless in the sunlight.
Kyungsoo says I’m mad and he’s right
If I were something else, would we have been happy?
Would I have been able to make you happy?
Because now, in the end, that's the only thing I regret not being able to do.
I need him. The terror of his thunder and the sting from his electricity. I need Jongdae to turn Sehun's soft respectful winds that only causes small waves on my ocean into roaring walls of hard air that crashes into it and takes my breathe away.
They say life is a rollercoaster and I agree. It's no fun when it's only going up. Mine is always going up for too long until the air gets so thin that I can barely breathe.
That's when I need him.
I need him to tilt my rollercoaster downwards and drag me all the way back to the ground in break-neck speed so I can feel the adrenaline pumping through my veins. I need to feel how it feels not to be perfect, not to be respected and respectful and rich and successful. I want to feel how it feels to be loved in a not so lovely way. To do something stupid that is uncalculated and not so amusing at all. I want to make a mistake and fall and never quite get up again.
I need Jongdae to be the most beautiful mistake I will never regret.
And I can start my climb back up on my rollercoaster later when he leaves. And I will constantly be waiting for the rollercoaster to go down again.
Jongdae roll out of the bed and start searching for his boxers and clothes. The room is more charged with tension than the air outside, even as it shiver with anticipation of the storm to come. And I decide to continue lying in bed, not quite ready to get up yet.
I can feel it now. My body cramping as the pressure of the storm becomes too much and the power takes over.
“I’m sorry for breaking you Joonmyun” He says slowly and looks out of the roof-to-floor window. I stand inside, leaning against the wall with a glass of wine in my hand. We’re both fully dressed now although he looks perfectly put together while I look like a mess.
“Don’t worry, it has been a pleasure” I answer, surprisingly speaking the truth and he turns around to look at me.
My breath hitches.
For the first time there isn’t any sexy amusement in his eyes or half-craziness in his features. It's so unexpected that I can't help but blink and flinch slightly in surprise.
“I’m not coming back” He says and I swear there’s sadness in his eyes. A bottomless, deep sadness. Like the one that splits the bottom of my soul in the dark deep oceans every time I remember why we can never really be. Like something that I feel. Like something he shouldn’t be able to. It makes me insides constrict and it’s suddenly so much harder to breathe.
It’s a promise
But not the one I wanted.
“Why?” Is the only thing I manage to croaks out.
“I’m not a magician like you Joonmyun. Thunderbirds don’t live forever” He says
And smiles.
And it’s so real, so full of feelings and so un-suggestive that I’m rendered breathless and immobile. He spreads his arms out and fall back and I can only stare as he floats off in the sky, lightning crackling around him and thunder rumbling in the distance.
My last wish is that you survive Joonmyun. Because the least I can do is giving you a chance to move on.
It takes too long time for me to realise what he meant.
By the time I do he has blended in with the clouds and I can't send out a water rope to drag him back. He’s already gone.
For the first time that doesn't stop me and my wine glass crashes to the floor as I throw myself out of the window, hoping that he has enough control to let me soar on the currents.
He does and I fly through the storm, the lightning surrounding me and missing me with millimetres. I scream his name, hoping he'll come to me.
He doesn't and the lightning around me get closer, making every strand of hair on my body stand straight up. If one of them hit me I will die.
But I don't care.
Because Jongdae is so much more important than eternity.
I can hear his song all around me, mixing beautiful with the clashing of lightning and rumbling of thunder. It's despair and desperation on the brink of insanity but still the most beautiful sound I've ever heard. It's intoxicating. It burns in my ears and down my throat and into my blood like my 6th glass of vodka and make my head spin.
It's so, so dangerous, like he's always been but this time it’s worse. Still I keep searching. I plead to the clouds and the wind and the lightning just to let me hold him one last time. To touch his cheeks and fill our silence with the words that I can’t and shouldn’t but have to say to him before he leaves. I think I see a glimpse of his silhouette more than once but with a blink it's gone, leaving me with nothing but the growing feeling of despair.
I don't know how long I fly on the currents.
I don't know when I crash into the sea due to the currents getting too wild. I simply don’t care. I just to create a water pillar to help me up in the sky again.
All I can think is that if he sees how much I'm hurting he'll let me come to him, he’ll stay in place for a minute and let me find him. It’s a desperate hope but it’s the only one I have. I beg and I cry and I search, not caring if my water pillar flows over houses down in the city; that should be the least of the inhabitant’s worries anyway. Because the storm is the worst this city has seen in ages.
And when it suddenly starts to thin out I am sure they are all feeling relived.
I, on the other hand, feel crushed.
I shake with fear as the lightning turn less frequent. My heart stops as the clouds slowly, gradually turns whiter. I choke on my tears as the wind lessen in power. I fall down on the floor of my apartment, having come through the same window that we left out of, and I find myself wishing that the lightning would have hit me.
The storm seems to have destroyed every house in the town except mine. It seems to have killed thousands of people
But not me.
And he never comes back.
And I spend an eternity without him, barley breathing as the rollercoaster keep going up.
You’re an angel Joonmyun and the only piece of heaven I’ll ever have.
Goodbye.