Hello! (Like my icon? :P) General comments: Try and cut this down: that way it would have more impact (less is more, and all that sort of thing).
Apparently the artist was half-dozing when he painted this picture. I love this line. Also like the grey/day/way rhyme in the first part, but this seems to peter out in the rest of the poem. Maybe insert more rhyme, to give the poem some rhythm and structure. It doesn't have to be rigid, but it'll just add a bit of movement. (Of course, given the topic, I realise you don't want it leaping along.)
"that could cut through anything" - I'd suggest you remove this: the 'scythe' image will stand on its own.
Everything is muddled, each blending into one another in ugly blotches.You have no noun after 'each'. Also, if they're in "patches" and "blotches", they wouldn't blend very well, imo
( ... )
Why do I fail epically at HTML whenever I comment on your LJ? *facepalm*
Stretched > stretch - alternatively, say "are stretched".
Dry skeletons of victims under my hand picked clean by scavengers of remorse
I'd get rid of the 'of remorse' - I know you're trying to be metaphorical, but I have a hard time picturing 'scavengers of remorse'. It sounds pretty cliched, tbh. Something more concrete, perhaps, like 'crimson beetles' or '[adjective] ants' or something. (Not 'vultures': that's been done way too often. Besides, insects are creepier. :D)
N.B. If you're thinking, "Why is she picking holes in my poor vulnerable poem?" it isn't because I want to discourage you from writing. I know it's hard when people rip your stuff apart. Believe me, I have people on my flist who think they can write whatever crap they want, without rhythm, emotion or sound - or even coherence - and call it poetry. You've got potential, which is the whole reason I'm critiquing this. If you were hopeless, I wouldn't have bothered.
hey! thanks for the comments and all! it helps a lot for someone to point weaknesses out like that. that is the point of writing in LJ :) i'll get down to it right away.
Comments 6
General comments: Try and cut this down: that way it would have more impact (less is more, and all that sort of thing).
Apparently
the artist was half-dozing
when he painted this picture.
I love this line.
Also like the grey/day/way rhyme in the first part, but this seems to peter out in the rest of the poem. Maybe insert more rhyme, to give the poem some rhythm and structure. It doesn't have to be rigid, but it'll just add a bit of movement. (Of course, given the topic, I realise you don't want it leaping along.)
"that could cut through anything" - I'd suggest you remove this: the 'scythe' image will stand on its own.
Everything is muddled, each
blending into one another in
ugly blotches.You have no noun after 'each'. Also, if they're in "patches" and "blotches", they wouldn't blend very well, imo ( ... )
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Stretched > stretch - alternatively, say "are stretched".
Dry skeletons of victims
under my hand picked clean
by scavengers of remorse
I'd get rid of the 'of remorse' - I know you're trying to be metaphorical, but I have a hard time picturing 'scavengers of remorse'. It sounds pretty cliched, tbh. Something more concrete, perhaps, like 'crimson beetles' or '[adjective] ants' or something. (Not 'vultures': that's been done way too often. Besides, insects are creepier. :D)
N.B. If you're thinking, "Why is she picking holes in my poor vulnerable poem?" it isn't because I want to discourage you from writing. I know it's hard when people rip your stuff apart.
Believe me, I have people on my flist who think they can write whatever crap they want, without rhythm, emotion or sound - or even coherence - and call it poetry. You've got potential, which is the whole reason I'm critiquing this. If you were hopeless, I wouldn't have bothered.
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i'll get down to it right away.
also- a belated happy birthday!
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but i've got loads of room for improvement, still can't call myself that yet :P
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