Death before betrayal
"Lying beside you
Here in the dark
Feeling your heart beat with mine
Softly you whisper
You're so sincere
How could our love be so blind
We sailed on together
We drifted apart
And here you are
By my side
So now I come to you
With open arms
Nothing to hide
Believe what I say
So here I am
With open arms
Hoping you'll see
What your love means to me
Open arms"
-"Open Arms" - Journey
I have spoken enough of those who have betrayed me, Lord Tyree as a young girl and more recently a dear friend who nearly destroyed my whole universe. I have yet to talk of what I have done to others and perhaps it is a time to settle these memories.
As a slave betrayal was what I did. Betray or die as Kitty so eloquently put it long ago. Seduction followed by theft, blackmail and even murder that was my life. Coming to Babylon 5 I knew nothing would change but this time things were much different.
It started only a week after I meet the Ambassador. I was very fond of him already and Trakis as usual had found a way to exploit that. At first I was only asked to spy. Who does he speak to in court, who are his allies, his enemies and the like. This was betrayal but in the life of a Centauri this is an everyday affair for many. In truth it didn’t much bother me to do these things. Over time the game seemed to get more dangerous and the information I was collecting became more and more detrimental. I felt like I was losing my mind. I felt like my life was a lie but I was too in love to walk away even when the lies began to tear me apart.
It was a little less then a month after I met Ambassador Mollari when Trakis approached me with the deal that nearly cost me everything. He wanted to strike a deal: my freedom in exchange for the Ambassador’s purple files. It wasn’t much of a choice in truth the choice was literally death or freedom as Trakis killed his slaves that refused to do his bidding. I agreed because there was no other choice.
For a week I made every excuse to put it off while fear and guilt consumed me. Trakis approached me once more to demand my cooperation, it was do or die. Never in my life did I feel so powerless. I never told Londo what was going on, perhaps if I had things would have been different. I couldn’t, I was afraid that I would lose his affection which at that moment in my life seemed to be the one thing keeping me alive.
I stood where no one wants to. I felt no matter what path I took I would lose him and it hurt. I died when I gave him that drug. When I saw him unconscious I couldn’t feel, I was cold and numb but I didn’t feel like I had a choice. I went through with the job. I walked out of his quarters with the stolen files and my soul stayed behind. I spent that night in my quarters, alone with a pain like none I have felt before that moment. I cried and all I could see was his smile. I don’t know how I did it, I didn’t want to anymore. I didn’t want to hurt him but I was trapped.
I went to the Zocalo that morning to meet Trakis like a woman walking to her own crypt. It was there standing in the middle of the Zocalo that I broke. When I first arrived I saw a human with the ugliest alien woman I have ever seen. He was surprising her with flowers at the flower stand. I saw her hands flutter to her mouth as she took them and he kissed her on the cheek. I had been there like that with Londo many times and I started to panic but it was when I looked away from them that my hearts broke. It was Vir rushing across the Zocalo. I knew what he was about to find; the unconscious man that I betrayed. The tears came back. I couldn’t do it; I couldn’t destroy him not even for the freedom I wanted more then anything. I heard Trakis call my name and I did the only thing a woman could do, I fled. I knew if he caught me I was dead but it didn’t matter. If I died for his safety it was a worthy cause I would not betray him.
Since that moment when I ran I have not been able to betray anyone. I can’t face the pain of what I have already done. Never again will I betray a friend, a lover.
Crossposted to theatrical_muse
OOC: Side note: this is post "Soul Mates" Adira.
Here in the dark
Feeling your heart beat with mine
Softly you whisper
You're so sincere
How could our love be so blind
We sailed on together
We drifted apart
And here you are
By my side
So now I come to you
With open arms
Nothing to hide
Believe what I say
So here I am
With open arms
Hoping you'll see
What your love means to me
Open arms"
-"Open Arms" - Journey
I have spoken enough of those who have betrayed me, Lord Tyree as a young girl and more recently a dear friend who nearly destroyed my whole universe. I have yet to talk of what I have done to others and perhaps it is a time to settle these memories.
As a slave betrayal was what I did. Betray or die as Kitty so eloquently put it long ago. Seduction followed by theft, blackmail and even murder that was my life. Coming to Babylon 5 I knew nothing would change but this time things were much different.
It started only a week after I meet the Ambassador. I was very fond of him already and Trakis as usual had found a way to exploit that. At first I was only asked to spy. Who does he speak to in court, who are his allies, his enemies and the like. This was betrayal but in the life of a Centauri this is an everyday affair for many. In truth it didn’t much bother me to do these things. Over time the game seemed to get more dangerous and the information I was collecting became more and more detrimental. I felt like I was losing my mind. I felt like my life was a lie but I was too in love to walk away even when the lies began to tear me apart.
It was a little less then a month after I met Ambassador Mollari when Trakis approached me with the deal that nearly cost me everything. He wanted to strike a deal: my freedom in exchange for the Ambassador’s purple files. It wasn’t much of a choice in truth the choice was literally death or freedom as Trakis killed his slaves that refused to do his bidding. I agreed because there was no other choice.
For a week I made every excuse to put it off while fear and guilt consumed me. Trakis approached me once more to demand my cooperation, it was do or die. Never in my life did I feel so powerless. I never told Londo what was going on, perhaps if I had things would have been different. I couldn’t, I was afraid that I would lose his affection which at that moment in my life seemed to be the one thing keeping me alive.
I stood where no one wants to. I felt no matter what path I took I would lose him and it hurt. I died when I gave him that drug. When I saw him unconscious I couldn’t feel, I was cold and numb but I didn’t feel like I had a choice. I went through with the job. I walked out of his quarters with the stolen files and my soul stayed behind. I spent that night in my quarters, alone with a pain like none I have felt before that moment. I cried and all I could see was his smile. I don’t know how I did it, I didn’t want to anymore. I didn’t want to hurt him but I was trapped.
I went to the Zocalo that morning to meet Trakis like a woman walking to her own crypt. It was there standing in the middle of the Zocalo that I broke. When I first arrived I saw a human with the ugliest alien woman I have ever seen. He was surprising her with flowers at the flower stand. I saw her hands flutter to her mouth as she took them and he kissed her on the cheek. I had been there like that with Londo many times and I started to panic but it was when I looked away from them that my hearts broke. It was Vir rushing across the Zocalo. I knew what he was about to find; the unconscious man that I betrayed. The tears came back. I couldn’t do it; I couldn’t destroy him not even for the freedom I wanted more then anything. I heard Trakis call my name and I did the only thing a woman could do, I fled. I knew if he caught me I was dead but it didn’t matter. If I died for his safety it was a worthy cause I would not betray him.
Since that moment when I ran I have not been able to betray anyone. I can’t face the pain of what I have already done. Never again will I betray a friend, a lover.
Crossposted to theatrical_muse
OOC: Side note: this is post "Soul Mates" Adira.