Not Enough 1/?
Title: Not Enough
Character: Jinki-centric
Pairing: Jongyu (sort of)
Warning: Angst
Summery: There are just things in life that we'll never be able to have.
Disclaimer: I do not own any characters used in my story. However, I do own all the fictional happenings in it.
Beta: lulybelula <3
There were six dark spots that made contrast with the cream colored ceiling which, in the past, had been a pure white. It was a wonder to Jinki how anyone could stain the ceiling in such way; he understood the floor and the walls, but the ceiling? In his opinion, that could even be considered as a talent.
From his laying position on his mattress, Jinki began to trace the dark spots on the ceiling with his eyes. He actually didn’t even bother to try and remember how they were created, it wasn’t something very important at the moment. For the time being, he just concentrated on distracting his mind from stressful thoughts. As he began to tap his finger on the bed, Jinki found himself humming softly.
It was a hard task to keep himself distracted of everything and anything that threaten to disturb his peace of mind, especially when he was doing absolutely nothing to keep himself distracted.
He decided to turn his mindless humming into a soft tune to force his brain to think up the lyrics instead of other things. Although he sang all the time, music was his true friend and only companion in times like this. After all, who could he go to and vent out all the feelings in his heart and thoughts in his troubled mind?
“Hyung, get up. It’s time to go”, Jinki turned his head to the open door of his bedroom as he heard Minho call to him from the living room.
The eldest of the boys turned his head from the door to the nightstand at a corner of the room as his eyes searched for the clock that stood there. A deep frown disturbed his features as he finally realized what time it was. It was almost eleven o’clock, almost time for their scheduled dance practice. Even though Jinki didn’t feel panic raise inside of him for possible getting scolded for holding everyone back until he got himself ready, he did however feel surprised that he had been staring at the ceiling for a little over two hours.
Sighing, Jinki got up from his bed and put on a simple tee shirt, loose pants, and a pair of sneakers before walking out of his shared room and closing the door behind him. He slowly made his way to the living room where he saw the other members waiting for him. Taemin leaned down, towards the couch, and took a towel and bottle of water in his hands. In his mind, Jinki felt a bit guilty as Taemin handed him the bottle and towel, making him realize how forgetful he was recently and how used to it his members were getting. His chest tightened as guilt stung deep within him but he didn’t show it as he smiled at Taemin with a wide and grateful smile before heading to the front entrance as Kibum opened the door for them. They all made their way quickly through the hallways and to the elevators before exiting their dorm building and getting inside the van.
The members practiced their dance routines for hours, correcting the smallest details to bring out the best of themselves onto their performances. However, before any of them even realized it, it was already time for their next schedule. They quickly headed to the dorm to freshen up before leaving for the television program they were supposed to appear on.
***
When all the recording and shooting ended, the night had already taken over Seoul and the youngsters were probably preparing themselves for a night of fun. And, of course, the members of the group decided to have some fun of their own. The night was young and their next schedule wasn’t due until afternoon the next day.
Upon their arrival at the dorm, the boys showered and dressed up in their best clothes before heading out the door once more. Everyone, except Jinki. The eldest had not even bothered to take off the make-up from his face as he went to his room and laid once more on his bed. He resumed his activities from before, looking up at the ceiling and doing nothing. Jinki couldn’t really tell how much time had passed before Jonghyun came into the room, all dressed up and ready to go out into the night.
“Hyung, can I ask you a favor?” the younger man asked with one hand on the door knob and the other holding his hand phone.
Jinki dragged his eyes away from the ceiling as he glanced at Jonghyun, “Sure”.
“Can you take me to pick up Soo Eun? I can’t find my license anywhere,” he explained to the elder.
“Can’t you ask the others?” Jinki questioned, frowning at the request and feeling a little tug at his chest.
“Not really. They all left, even manager hyung isn’t here,” Jonghyun said, scratching the back of his head.
With a deep sigh, Jinki pushed his body from the bed and murmured a “Fine” under his breath before taking his wallet and the keys, following a thankful dongsaeng out the apartment.
The drive to Jonghyun’s girlfriend house was less eventful than Jinki had initially though. The boys just talked, joke, and enjoyed the presence of each other, something that they did very often but Jinki enjoyed it completely, nevertheless. However, things changed once they had arrived at Soo Eun’s place. It wasn’t that Jinki disliked her or that she was a bad person, he just couldn’t tolerate the mutual affection they showed for each other.
Heading back to the dorm was what made Jinki regret doing the favor for Jonghyun. The younger man greeted his girlfriend with a sweet kiss on her lips that made her smile and made Jinki’s heart skip a beat as he concentrate on the road ahead of him.
Finally, when they arrived at the dorm building, Jinki left the couple at the entrance before heading to the parking lot underneath the building. Turning off the car, he stared at the wall in front of him as his body slowly lost all energy and he slumped against the driver’s seat. It took him a bit of time before he was able to exit the car and close the door forcefully with both hands, supporting his weight against the car with them. Thoughts about getting back inside the car and driving away took over his mind, he wanted to escape what awaited for him inside the apartment.
“How I wish I could just run away and forget everything,” Jinki whispered to himself, words echoing through the silent parking lot, making his chest get heavier but, at the same time, lighter with the voiced confession.
“Why would you say that?” he heard a familiar voice speak, making him turn around abruptly to find a frowning Jonghyun staring right back at him. Concern was written all over his face.
“I… um…,” Jinki stammered with his words, not being able to turn from his dongsaeng’s stare. “It’s nothing,” he answered, smiling sweetly at him.
“Hyung,” Jonghyun said in a stern tone as his stare began to turn into a glare.
“It’s nothing,” Jinki repeated, dismissing the conversation as he waved a hand in front of his face. “Why are you here, anyways? I left you guys at the front entrance”.
Jonghyun stared at Jinki, silence devouring the space between them before he answered, “That was forty-five minutes ago, hyung. And you weren’t answering your phone”.
Now it was Jinki’s turn to frown, “Forty-five minutes?” he was shocked, in his mind it had only been about ten minutes, maybe even less. He knew he was spacing out way too much lately. Sooner or later people were going to notice. Or maybe they already were noticing.
Jonghyun nodded slowly, “Are you going to say that’s nothing too?” he confronted. He wasn’t the type of person to let things unsolved. Especially when it concerned someone important to him.
Jinki sighed for the nth time that day and nodded his head in response at Jonghyun’s question, though it sounded more like an accusation. “Yes, Jonghyun. It is nothing. I’m just a bit tired, that’s all. Come on, let’s go inside,” he said sliding his hands inside his pockets and walking by Jonghyun with his head lowered slightly, not bearing to maintain any more eye contact with the younger man.
Jonghyun followed Jinki with his eyes but the elder did not look up at him, he just kept on walking. After a few seconds of staring at Jinki’s back, Jonghyun followed behind him towards the elevator up to their floor. When the bell rang and the doors opened, Jinki didn’t waste a heartbeat before stepping out before Jonghyun decided to pull him back in to interrogate him. However, he could feel Jonghyun’s eyes on him; he knew the younger man was not going to drop the subject; he was not going to let it go.
Once they entered the dorm, Jinki walked past the living room through the hallway, and locked himself in his room but, not before bowing and smiling at Soo Eun. He took a deep breath and sighed heavily, his back against the door before he pushed himself off and walked to his bed, his body collapsing on it. The young man knew he had explaining to do once Jonghyun got some alone time with him. Thankfully, he also knew that the matter of his behavior was going to stay between them. At least for now.
Sighing once more and cursing under his breath in all the languages he knew, Jinki began to think what would be a good enough excuse he could offer Jonghyun. That boy wasn’t fooled easily, so Jinki either had to evade him as long as possible, which was very unlikely to be a successful strategy, or come up with a really good lie.
Jinki’s mind ended up running with so many thoughts that he shook his head harshly before looking up at the ceiling, only to realize that the lights were off. Deciding on not getting up, he just stared at the darkness before him, staring into nothing.
However, soon enough, he felt unconsciousness begin to claim his mind. At first he wanted to fight it but once he heard loud laughter coming from somewhere in the dorm, probably the living room, he decided that he wanted to drown in it, and with him, all of the thoughts from his restless mind. Unfortunately for Jinki, when he was starting to lose himself, giving up to his tired body and mind, he heard a loud noise which startled him to full awareness; his chances of escaping his current situation slipping away from his hands in the most painful of ways.
As the noises continued, which he guessed were Jonghyun and Soo Eun playing games, he turned to his side, facing the door. Jinki could see a bit of light snaking from under the door and illuminating the floor in front of it slightly. No matter how hard he tried, the faint voices talking to each other and occasionally laughing were starting to penetrate through the walls and door and into his ears. Jinki tried hard not to listen to the conversations but his mind decided otherwise, tying up words to create phrases, and phrases to sentences.
Jinki closed his eyes tightly and covered his ears with his hands. ‘Why?’ he questioned himself in his head, the feeling of pain was tightening his chest once more and his breathing becoming elaborated. ‘Why?’ he repeated.
He kept asking himself that word as his body began to shake and he barely feel air getting in his lungs. Jinki started to feel as if his head was spinning even though everything in the room was completely dark, and he could feel himself getting sick. He hated it but there was nothing he could do.
‘Why?!’
“Hyung?” Jinki quickly opened his eyes, startled but not completely out of the trance he had placed himself into. Jonghyun was staring at him with concern once again. The younger man was at the door with his hand on the light switch. And even though Jinki’s eyes stung from the sudden exposure to light, he couldn’t get back to his senses. His mind was a complete blank and his body, though it was still shaking slightly, was paralyzed in the fetal position he had curled himself into without even being aware of it. His ears were still being covered by his hands, like a child trying to protect them from the loud sounds of thunder in a thunderstorm, and his eyes were staring back at Jonghyun’s though they were unfocused. “Hyung?” Jonghyun called again, this time panic was clearly in his voice. “Hyung, what’s wrong?” the younger man ran to Jinki’s side, taking him into his arms and hugging him tightly.
Jinki jumped slightly at the contact, forced back into his cruel reality. Was life mocking him? He was shocked that Jonghyun was actually hugging him, no matter how much skinship Jonghyun liked to do, the boy rarely went as far as hugging them. So, before he did anything he would regret, Jinki pushed him softly and freed himself from Jonghyun’s embrace before straightening up, looking at anything inside the room but at Jonghyun. His limbs were shaking and his head was still spinning but he was able to ignore it.
“It’s nothing,” he said automatically, those words almost becoming a mantra to him.
Jonghyun glared at the elder’s response, anger rising up inside of him. “Again with that? Really? Do you even trust me?” he questioned Jinki, grabbing him by his shoulders to force him to face him.
Jinki frowned, looking down at his lap, refusing to look at Jonghyun, “Of course I do, Jonghyun ah”.
“Then why aren’t you telling me what’s going on? I’ve noticed; we all have. We know you are depressed, hyung, we just don’t know why,” he said frowning deeply. He had not wanted to explode on him, let him know that they knew because that would just make him close himself further, but he just didn’t know what to do anymore.
The older boy closed his eyes. He could feel them starting to water and the last thing he wanted was to burst out crying in front of him. Jinki had to take a deep breath before speaking, just to make sure his words wouldn’t come out less strong than what he intended. “Because there is nothing anyone can do,” he opened his eyes and stared back at Jonghyun.
“That’s not true, hyung. We can find a way to help you, just tell me what’s wrong,” Jonghyun insisted, his heart breaking by his hyung’s confession.
However, Jinki just shook his head with a soft chuckle, laughter without humor, as he spoke. “No, Jonghyun. This is something in which no one can help me with”.
“Jinki hyung, don’t say tha-”
“You should go back to Soo Eun,” he said as he got up from his bed, giving Jonghyun his back.
“A friend picked her up a few minutes ago. She’s on her way home by now."
Jinki just nodded, letting Jonghyun know that he heard him before picking up his towel and some clean clothes, “I’m going to take a shower." And just like that he left the room and locked himself inside the bathroom.
Jonghyun could only sigh as he was left alone in the empty bedroom.
Character: Jinki-centric
Pairing: Jongyu (sort of)
Warning: Angst
Summery: There are just things in life that we'll never be able to have.
Disclaimer: I do not own any characters used in my story. However, I do own all the fictional happenings in it.
Beta: lulybelula <3
There were six dark spots that made contrast with the cream colored ceiling which, in the past, had been a pure white. It was a wonder to Jinki how anyone could stain the ceiling in such way; he understood the floor and the walls, but the ceiling? In his opinion, that could even be considered as a talent.
From his laying position on his mattress, Jinki began to trace the dark spots on the ceiling with his eyes. He actually didn’t even bother to try and remember how they were created, it wasn’t something very important at the moment. For the time being, he just concentrated on distracting his mind from stressful thoughts. As he began to tap his finger on the bed, Jinki found himself humming softly.
It was a hard task to keep himself distracted of everything and anything that threaten to disturb his peace of mind, especially when he was doing absolutely nothing to keep himself distracted.
He decided to turn his mindless humming into a soft tune to force his brain to think up the lyrics instead of other things. Although he sang all the time, music was his true friend and only companion in times like this. After all, who could he go to and vent out all the feelings in his heart and thoughts in his troubled mind?
“Hyung, get up. It’s time to go”, Jinki turned his head to the open door of his bedroom as he heard Minho call to him from the living room.
The eldest of the boys turned his head from the door to the nightstand at a corner of the room as his eyes searched for the clock that stood there. A deep frown disturbed his features as he finally realized what time it was. It was almost eleven o’clock, almost time for their scheduled dance practice. Even though Jinki didn’t feel panic raise inside of him for possible getting scolded for holding everyone back until he got himself ready, he did however feel surprised that he had been staring at the ceiling for a little over two hours.
Sighing, Jinki got up from his bed and put on a simple tee shirt, loose pants, and a pair of sneakers before walking out of his shared room and closing the door behind him. He slowly made his way to the living room where he saw the other members waiting for him. Taemin leaned down, towards the couch, and took a towel and bottle of water in his hands. In his mind, Jinki felt a bit guilty as Taemin handed him the bottle and towel, making him realize how forgetful he was recently and how used to it his members were getting. His chest tightened as guilt stung deep within him but he didn’t show it as he smiled at Taemin with a wide and grateful smile before heading to the front entrance as Kibum opened the door for them. They all made their way quickly through the hallways and to the elevators before exiting their dorm building and getting inside the van.
The members practiced their dance routines for hours, correcting the smallest details to bring out the best of themselves onto their performances. However, before any of them even realized it, it was already time for their next schedule. They quickly headed to the dorm to freshen up before leaving for the television program they were supposed to appear on.
***
When all the recording and shooting ended, the night had already taken over Seoul and the youngsters were probably preparing themselves for a night of fun. And, of course, the members of the group decided to have some fun of their own. The night was young and their next schedule wasn’t due until afternoon the next day.
Upon their arrival at the dorm, the boys showered and dressed up in their best clothes before heading out the door once more. Everyone, except Jinki. The eldest had not even bothered to take off the make-up from his face as he went to his room and laid once more on his bed. He resumed his activities from before, looking up at the ceiling and doing nothing. Jinki couldn’t really tell how much time had passed before Jonghyun came into the room, all dressed up and ready to go out into the night.
“Hyung, can I ask you a favor?” the younger man asked with one hand on the door knob and the other holding his hand phone.
Jinki dragged his eyes away from the ceiling as he glanced at Jonghyun, “Sure”.
“Can you take me to pick up Soo Eun? I can’t find my license anywhere,” he explained to the elder.
“Can’t you ask the others?” Jinki questioned, frowning at the request and feeling a little tug at his chest.
“Not really. They all left, even manager hyung isn’t here,” Jonghyun said, scratching the back of his head.
With a deep sigh, Jinki pushed his body from the bed and murmured a “Fine” under his breath before taking his wallet and the keys, following a thankful dongsaeng out the apartment.
The drive to Jonghyun’s girlfriend house was less eventful than Jinki had initially though. The boys just talked, joke, and enjoyed the presence of each other, something that they did very often but Jinki enjoyed it completely, nevertheless. However, things changed once they had arrived at Soo Eun’s place. It wasn’t that Jinki disliked her or that she was a bad person, he just couldn’t tolerate the mutual affection they showed for each other.
Heading back to the dorm was what made Jinki regret doing the favor for Jonghyun. The younger man greeted his girlfriend with a sweet kiss on her lips that made her smile and made Jinki’s heart skip a beat as he concentrate on the road ahead of him.
Finally, when they arrived at the dorm building, Jinki left the couple at the entrance before heading to the parking lot underneath the building. Turning off the car, he stared at the wall in front of him as his body slowly lost all energy and he slumped against the driver’s seat. It took him a bit of time before he was able to exit the car and close the door forcefully with both hands, supporting his weight against the car with them. Thoughts about getting back inside the car and driving away took over his mind, he wanted to escape what awaited for him inside the apartment.
“How I wish I could just run away and forget everything,” Jinki whispered to himself, words echoing through the silent parking lot, making his chest get heavier but, at the same time, lighter with the voiced confession.
“Why would you say that?” he heard a familiar voice speak, making him turn around abruptly to find a frowning Jonghyun staring right back at him. Concern was written all over his face.
“I… um…,” Jinki stammered with his words, not being able to turn from his dongsaeng’s stare. “It’s nothing,” he answered, smiling sweetly at him.
“Hyung,” Jonghyun said in a stern tone as his stare began to turn into a glare.
“It’s nothing,” Jinki repeated, dismissing the conversation as he waved a hand in front of his face. “Why are you here, anyways? I left you guys at the front entrance”.
Jonghyun stared at Jinki, silence devouring the space between them before he answered, “That was forty-five minutes ago, hyung. And you weren’t answering your phone”.
Now it was Jinki’s turn to frown, “Forty-five minutes?” he was shocked, in his mind it had only been about ten minutes, maybe even less. He knew he was spacing out way too much lately. Sooner or later people were going to notice. Or maybe they already were noticing.
Jonghyun nodded slowly, “Are you going to say that’s nothing too?” he confronted. He wasn’t the type of person to let things unsolved. Especially when it concerned someone important to him.
Jinki sighed for the nth time that day and nodded his head in response at Jonghyun’s question, though it sounded more like an accusation. “Yes, Jonghyun. It is nothing. I’m just a bit tired, that’s all. Come on, let’s go inside,” he said sliding his hands inside his pockets and walking by Jonghyun with his head lowered slightly, not bearing to maintain any more eye contact with the younger man.
Jonghyun followed Jinki with his eyes but the elder did not look up at him, he just kept on walking. After a few seconds of staring at Jinki’s back, Jonghyun followed behind him towards the elevator up to their floor. When the bell rang and the doors opened, Jinki didn’t waste a heartbeat before stepping out before Jonghyun decided to pull him back in to interrogate him. However, he could feel Jonghyun’s eyes on him; he knew the younger man was not going to drop the subject; he was not going to let it go.
Once they entered the dorm, Jinki walked past the living room through the hallway, and locked himself in his room but, not before bowing and smiling at Soo Eun. He took a deep breath and sighed heavily, his back against the door before he pushed himself off and walked to his bed, his body collapsing on it. The young man knew he had explaining to do once Jonghyun got some alone time with him. Thankfully, he also knew that the matter of his behavior was going to stay between them. At least for now.
Sighing once more and cursing under his breath in all the languages he knew, Jinki began to think what would be a good enough excuse he could offer Jonghyun. That boy wasn’t fooled easily, so Jinki either had to evade him as long as possible, which was very unlikely to be a successful strategy, or come up with a really good lie.
Jinki’s mind ended up running with so many thoughts that he shook his head harshly before looking up at the ceiling, only to realize that the lights were off. Deciding on not getting up, he just stared at the darkness before him, staring into nothing.
However, soon enough, he felt unconsciousness begin to claim his mind. At first he wanted to fight it but once he heard loud laughter coming from somewhere in the dorm, probably the living room, he decided that he wanted to drown in it, and with him, all of the thoughts from his restless mind. Unfortunately for Jinki, when he was starting to lose himself, giving up to his tired body and mind, he heard a loud noise which startled him to full awareness; his chances of escaping his current situation slipping away from his hands in the most painful of ways.
As the noises continued, which he guessed were Jonghyun and Soo Eun playing games, he turned to his side, facing the door. Jinki could see a bit of light snaking from under the door and illuminating the floor in front of it slightly. No matter how hard he tried, the faint voices talking to each other and occasionally laughing were starting to penetrate through the walls and door and into his ears. Jinki tried hard not to listen to the conversations but his mind decided otherwise, tying up words to create phrases, and phrases to sentences.
Jinki closed his eyes tightly and covered his ears with his hands. ‘Why?’ he questioned himself in his head, the feeling of pain was tightening his chest once more and his breathing becoming elaborated. ‘Why?’ he repeated.
He kept asking himself that word as his body began to shake and he barely feel air getting in his lungs. Jinki started to feel as if his head was spinning even though everything in the room was completely dark, and he could feel himself getting sick. He hated it but there was nothing he could do.
‘Why?!’
“Hyung?” Jinki quickly opened his eyes, startled but not completely out of the trance he had placed himself into. Jonghyun was staring at him with concern once again. The younger man was at the door with his hand on the light switch. And even though Jinki’s eyes stung from the sudden exposure to light, he couldn’t get back to his senses. His mind was a complete blank and his body, though it was still shaking slightly, was paralyzed in the fetal position he had curled himself into without even being aware of it. His ears were still being covered by his hands, like a child trying to protect them from the loud sounds of thunder in a thunderstorm, and his eyes were staring back at Jonghyun’s though they were unfocused. “Hyung?” Jonghyun called again, this time panic was clearly in his voice. “Hyung, what’s wrong?” the younger man ran to Jinki’s side, taking him into his arms and hugging him tightly.
Jinki jumped slightly at the contact, forced back into his cruel reality. Was life mocking him? He was shocked that Jonghyun was actually hugging him, no matter how much skinship Jonghyun liked to do, the boy rarely went as far as hugging them. So, before he did anything he would regret, Jinki pushed him softly and freed himself from Jonghyun’s embrace before straightening up, looking at anything inside the room but at Jonghyun. His limbs were shaking and his head was still spinning but he was able to ignore it.
“It’s nothing,” he said automatically, those words almost becoming a mantra to him.
Jonghyun glared at the elder’s response, anger rising up inside of him. “Again with that? Really? Do you even trust me?” he questioned Jinki, grabbing him by his shoulders to force him to face him.
Jinki frowned, looking down at his lap, refusing to look at Jonghyun, “Of course I do, Jonghyun ah”.
“Then why aren’t you telling me what’s going on? I’ve noticed; we all have. We know you are depressed, hyung, we just don’t know why,” he said frowning deeply. He had not wanted to explode on him, let him know that they knew because that would just make him close himself further, but he just didn’t know what to do anymore.
The older boy closed his eyes. He could feel them starting to water and the last thing he wanted was to burst out crying in front of him. Jinki had to take a deep breath before speaking, just to make sure his words wouldn’t come out less strong than what he intended. “Because there is nothing anyone can do,” he opened his eyes and stared back at Jonghyun.
“That’s not true, hyung. We can find a way to help you, just tell me what’s wrong,” Jonghyun insisted, his heart breaking by his hyung’s confession.
However, Jinki just shook his head with a soft chuckle, laughter without humor, as he spoke. “No, Jonghyun. This is something in which no one can help me with”.
“Jinki hyung, don’t say tha-”
“You should go back to Soo Eun,” he said as he got up from his bed, giving Jonghyun his back.
“A friend picked her up a few minutes ago. She’s on her way home by now."
Jinki just nodded, letting Jonghyun know that he heard him before picking up his towel and some clean clothes, “I’m going to take a shower." And just like that he left the room and locked himself inside the bathroom.
Jonghyun could only sigh as he was left alone in the empty bedroom.