Not Enough 7/?
Title: Not Enough
Character: Jinki-centric
Pairing: Jongyu (sort of)
Warning: Angst
Summery: There are just things in life that we'll never be able to have.
Disclaimer: I do not own any characters used in my story. However, I do own all the fictional happenings in it.
Jinki’s first day at the hospital hadn’t gone very well, Kibum could tell. The oldest wasn’t even trying to hide his emotions, disappointment leaked from his pours. He so desperately wanted to take him to the side and ask him what was wrong but, he couldn’t. They were all getting ready for their schedule and didn’t have to time to spare.
During their activities, Jinki still proved to be too distracted to do much so the others just filled in the awkward silence that might have been left hanging in the conversations. They were all worried and stole glances at him but he didn’t seem to notice, or maybe just chose to ignore them.
When their schedule finally came to an end, their manager dropped them off at the dorm hours after the sun had set. Jinki didn’t say much as they rode the elevator to their floor and didn’t give them a chance to interrogate him before he locked himself in his room.
They all frowned but it was Kibum who walked up to the door and knocked softly. “Can I come in?”
At first, there was silence but, then, a ‘click’ was heard. Kibum tested the knob and found it unlocked. He opened the door, enough to let himself in, before shutting it behind him. Jinki was laying on his bed in prone, his head above his folded arms. Kibum pursed his lips before sitting on his bed, giving the eldest space, as he leaned forward.
“How did it go?” He asked softly, knowing there was no need to beat around the bush.
Jinki sighed deeply, wetting his lips and willing himself to speak without his voice cracking. “Awful,” he answered honestly and almost whimpered by how pathetic his voice sounded.
The younger man frowned, “What happened?”
“I freaked out,” he said, feeling tears swell in his eyes. “Had a panic attack,” he said after hugging the pillow to his face, muffling his words a bit before grunting. “Gosh, I’m so pathetic!”
At that, Kibum jumped to Jinki’s bed, running his hand through his hair in a way to comfort him. “No, hyung. You know that not true,” he said. “Tell me, what happened?”
Jinki took a deep breath, trying to calm himself. He really didn’t feel like breaking down again. It was too exhausting. “Nothing happened. We were asked to say basic stuff about ourselves, including a brief description of why we were there.”
“And?”
“And I couldn’t get pass my name before panicking.”
Kibum sighed by Jinki’s words but quickly regretted as he watch the older man curl into himself further. “I’m not disappointed, hyung. I’m just worried,” he said to try and make things better. “You’re being too hard on yourself.”
“I can’t help it. I screwed up again,” he said softly, words barely audible because of the pillow plastered on his face.
Kibum removed his hand from Jinki’s hair in favor of taking the pillow from him and helping him sit up in front of him. “You didn’t screw up, hyung. You are a lot stronger and braver than what you give yourself credit. If I were in your position, I wouldn’t be able to do half the things you do.”
Jinki hanged his head and shook it, “It’s different, Kibum. I’m the oldest, the leader. I’m supp- ”
“You’re a person,” he said firmly, shutting Jinki up. “And a strong one at that,” he said, taking Jinki’s face in his hands and making him look up at him. “It’s fine if you don’t make it the first time, or even the second time. We all have our own pace. But, never doubt, you’ll be just fine. Everything will be fine,” he said with a small smile before kissing the top of Jinki’s head and hugging him tightly.
Jinki let out a shuddered breath and hugged Kibum back, his chubby fingers gripping the fabric of Kibum’s shirt. They stayed like that for a few minutes before leaning back. Kibum patted Jinki’s cheek, making the oldest chuckle. “I feel like a child,” he said ruffling Kibum’s hair in return, making him laugh.
***
It was early in the morning when Jinki woke up to the sound of his alarm. He turned it off with a groan and went to the bathroom to shower. He didn’t know how long he had been in there but, when he came out, Jonghyun was already at the kitchen table eating breakfast.
Jinki jerked back a bit and became unmoving. He didn’t know if the second oldest knew he was there, since he had his back turned to him, but he still took a few seconds. Breathing in deeply, Jinki walked in the kitchen and greeted Jonghyun. Looking up from his food, Jonghyun smiled at Jinki and nodded towards the other plate on the table.
“I made breakfast,” he said with a lazy smile.
Jinki looked at the plate and smiled, thanking him as he sat down on the other end of the table. Silence took over as he began to eat but remain hyper aware of Jonghyun’s every movement.
“Did you sleep well?” Jonghyun asked after finishing his food, watching the other eat.
He nodded. “Yeah, I took some sleeping pills.”
“Ah, I should have done the same,” he said with a small chuckle making Jinki look up against his will.
Watching Jonghyun smile so early in the morning, his face still puffy from sleep, did things to Jinki’s heart he didn’t want to think about. “Did you sleep well?”
“Not as much as I wanted to sleep but better than nothing,” he said with a shrug.
Jinki frowned at that. “You should see a doctor.”
Shaking his head, “Nah, its fine,” he said as he put his elbow on the table and rested his head on his palm. “By the way, hyung,” he said making Jinki look up at him again from his food. “How did it go yesterday?”
Jinki felt his heart drop, not knowing what to say. Jonghyun, along with Taemin, were the only two members that didn’t know what was fully going on and he had no intention in letting him know. He didn’t know if to tell him everything was fine, when all of them had obviously noticed his behavior, or if to tell him part of the truth.
Jonghyun waited patiently for him to gather up his thoughts, he was always so patient and understanding. He was looking at Jinki as casual as he could, even if an undertone of worry was shining through in his eyes. It was obvious he didn’t want to pressure Jinki and would accept any answer the older man gave him but still wanted to know.
It took Jinki a few more seconds before he cleared his throat. “Honestly? It could have gone better.”
Jinki felt bad by the genuine surprised Jonghyun showed by his answer. At that moment, Jinki understood Jonghyun knew he was keeping him in the dark compared to the other Kibum and Minho.
“How so?” he asked after composing himself, hopeful that the other would open up to him. In truth, Jonghyun was a little jealous of the fact that Kibum was on whom Jinki counted the most. He wanted to be their leader’s pillar of support as well because, aside from being their leader, he was like a brother to them all.
Jinki looked down at his plate, moving the food around with his fork. “I, kinda, freaked out, when it was my turn to talk…”
Jonghyun frowned at that, not liking the image of his hyung freaking out or panicking without any of them there to help him pull through. He could see the shame in Jinki’s hunch shoulders and decided that look didn’t suit him at all.
Standing up, Jonghyun walked up to Jinki and stood behind the older man. Jinki felt his heart beat against his throat and, for a second, feared that Jonghyun could hear it. He felt Jonghyun’s arms wrap around him from behind and tightened as he rested his head on Jinki’s shoulder.
They stayed like that for a long while, Jonghyun holding Jinki tightly and Jinki holding his breath. He was so overwhelmed, excited yet afraid, happy yet sad by the cruel realization of the truth. Jonghyun was only consoling a friend, not a lover.
“You’re awesome, hyung. Maybe this time wasn’t the right moment for you to talk about it. But, I promise you, the time will come when we’ll look back to this as a faraway memory.” He said, tightening his hold and bumping his head affectionately with Jinki’s. “You’ll see.”
Jinki closed his eyes and swallowed thickly before nodding. His mind was in a bliss of hot whiteness as Jonghyun’s warmth imprinted on his own skin. He didn’t believe he would be able to concentrate on anything else for the rest of the day.
“Thank you, Jong.”
Jonghyun sighed before retracting himself from the hold he had Jinki on, only to step to the side and smile at him. Jinki though his heart was about to stop.
“Thank you for trusting in me,” he said with a squeeze of Jinki’s shoulder.
Jinki blinked a few times before nodding.
Before he had to say anything, their manager arrived, announcing the van was ready. Jinki nodded and stood up to follow the man out before he heard Jonghyun speak again. “But you didn’t finish eating,” he said with a frown.
“It’s fine. We’ll stop for coffee, right?” he said, looking back at the man that was already by the door.
“Yeah, sure. Let’s go,” he said before exiting the dorm.
Jonghyun pouted at that but quickly gave in, “Fine. See you later, hyung.” He said, smiling brightly at Jinki as he waved at him.
Jinki stood there for a second, taking in Jonghyun’s smile before nodding, too. “Yeah. Bye.”
***
As Jinki entered the institute for his second day of group therapy, he forced himself to keep calm. During the whole ride he had been thinking about Jonghyun and their conversation that morning. He could still hear Jonghyun’s softly spoken words beside his ear and the cares of his breath on his cheek. And, even though it was cold outside, he could still feel Jonghyun’s body heat on his body.
He knew he shouldn’t be thinking about those things when he was trying to get over his feeling for the younger man. It was defeating its purpose. But it wasn’t like he did it consciously. He didn’t even notice he was thinking about Jonghyun and drowning the sweet memory he had of that morning with him so close to his body, holding him so gently and tenderly, until he arrived at the hospital.
Now, he stood in the waiting room with some of the other patients for their group therapy. He became, much like the day before, paranoid of other people’s eyes. He could feel eyes on him all the time but he dared not look up and investigate if it they were real or not.
His manager sat beside him, handing him over the coffee he just bought at the coffee machine. Jinki took it with both hands and thanked him.
“I’ll wait until they call you in. I’ll make sure to be back before you get out, too, so don’t worry about that,” he said and received a small nod from Jinki. “Look, I know you’re troubled about all this, even scared, but remember that there’s nothing to fear. This is a safe place so don’t hold back in there, okay?” he said, patting Jinki’s shoulder in a way that reminded him of Jonghyun that morning.
“Yeah,” he said softly, still not convinced.
“Give it your best shot. The faster you open up, the faster it’ll all be done,” he said.
Jinki nodded once more before looking up as a nurse came in calling for his group to head inside. The manager gave him, what he believed to be, an encouraging smile before he left for the therapy session.
***
When it came his turn to talk about what he felt, he became rigid, eyes flying from one corner of the room to the next. This time, there was no mistaking that all eyes were on him. He was afraid of his predicament getting into the media.
Most people there were having just as much a hard time as him, maybe even worse, so he should stop thinking that they were desperately waiting for him to spill the beans and gossip about it. Maybe one or two were, he could see the interest in their eyes, but it was against their policy and law to do so. The fact that no one knew he was going to a psychiatric hospital for depression up till that day was a little encouraging. Also, he knew he owed the other members the best of his efforts to get better. However, the fear never went away.
“Hi, umm, my names Lee Jinki and I’m here bec-”
“Could you speak a bit louder, Mr. Lee?” the therapist said with a small smile. Jinki’s words were coming out awkward and almost inaudible.
Nodding stiffly, Jinki took a deep breath as he tried to control the hammering of his heart inside his ribcage. “I’m here because I’ve been depressed.”
“I’m happy you could share that with us today,” he said with what seemed like a proud look. Jinki felt a bit better about himself. “Have you thought about why you feel depressed?”
Jinki nodded again.
“Would you care to share with us?” he asked, clasping his hands together on his lap. “We are all here to help each other with our problems and remember that we are not alone, so don’t be afraid to speak honestly.”
Looking down at his hands, his fingers wringing on his shirt, as he collected his thoughts and tried to form coherent sentences. “I fell in love with someone I shouldn’t have…” He said, his voice shaky with nervousness and thoughts of Jonghyun. “They’re my best friend, like family and I-” he stopped to prevent a sob escaping from his throat. He felt so pathetic. Who fell in love and became depressed by that fact? He was a complete joke, an embarrassment.
The therapist nodded, “It’s alright, take your time.”
Jinki shook his head and let it hang not being able to face anyone at the room. People there were facing real problems, real situations that have driven them to the same wall he’s up against. Yet, here he was, almost crying over falling in love.
“It’s so dumb, I know…” he said softly, still not looking up.
“There are no dumb reasons to feel sad, Mr. Lee. Your emotions are as valid as anyone else’s. And we are here to help you cope with your situation and remind you all,” he said as he looked around the room, “that many people go through similar situations. You’ll be able to pull through as long as you give it your all, okay?” He received a collection of nods before he turned back to Jinki. “You left early yesterday so, we would like it if you would let us hear more about what troubles you.”
Jinki looked up and saw encouragement from the therapist and some of the other patients, empathy clear in their eyes. He decided it was worth giving it a shot. And, he came to realize that, once he started talking, everything felt much easier. Making him feel a bit weightless by whatever tension he had been carrying with him for all those months.
Character: Jinki-centric
Pairing: Jongyu (sort of)
Warning: Angst
Summery: There are just things in life that we'll never be able to have.
Disclaimer: I do not own any characters used in my story. However, I do own all the fictional happenings in it.
Jinki’s first day at the hospital hadn’t gone very well, Kibum could tell. The oldest wasn’t even trying to hide his emotions, disappointment leaked from his pours. He so desperately wanted to take him to the side and ask him what was wrong but, he couldn’t. They were all getting ready for their schedule and didn’t have to time to spare.
During their activities, Jinki still proved to be too distracted to do much so the others just filled in the awkward silence that might have been left hanging in the conversations. They were all worried and stole glances at him but he didn’t seem to notice, or maybe just chose to ignore them.
When their schedule finally came to an end, their manager dropped them off at the dorm hours after the sun had set. Jinki didn’t say much as they rode the elevator to their floor and didn’t give them a chance to interrogate him before he locked himself in his room.
They all frowned but it was Kibum who walked up to the door and knocked softly. “Can I come in?”
At first, there was silence but, then, a ‘click’ was heard. Kibum tested the knob and found it unlocked. He opened the door, enough to let himself in, before shutting it behind him. Jinki was laying on his bed in prone, his head above his folded arms. Kibum pursed his lips before sitting on his bed, giving the eldest space, as he leaned forward.
“How did it go?” He asked softly, knowing there was no need to beat around the bush.
Jinki sighed deeply, wetting his lips and willing himself to speak without his voice cracking. “Awful,” he answered honestly and almost whimpered by how pathetic his voice sounded.
The younger man frowned, “What happened?”
“I freaked out,” he said, feeling tears swell in his eyes. “Had a panic attack,” he said after hugging the pillow to his face, muffling his words a bit before grunting. “Gosh, I’m so pathetic!”
At that, Kibum jumped to Jinki’s bed, running his hand through his hair in a way to comfort him. “No, hyung. You know that not true,” he said. “Tell me, what happened?”
Jinki took a deep breath, trying to calm himself. He really didn’t feel like breaking down again. It was too exhausting. “Nothing happened. We were asked to say basic stuff about ourselves, including a brief description of why we were there.”
“And?”
“And I couldn’t get pass my name before panicking.”
Kibum sighed by Jinki’s words but quickly regretted as he watch the older man curl into himself further. “I’m not disappointed, hyung. I’m just worried,” he said to try and make things better. “You’re being too hard on yourself.”
“I can’t help it. I screwed up again,” he said softly, words barely audible because of the pillow plastered on his face.
Kibum removed his hand from Jinki’s hair in favor of taking the pillow from him and helping him sit up in front of him. “You didn’t screw up, hyung. You are a lot stronger and braver than what you give yourself credit. If I were in your position, I wouldn’t be able to do half the things you do.”
Jinki hanged his head and shook it, “It’s different, Kibum. I’m the oldest, the leader. I’m supp- ”
“You’re a person,” he said firmly, shutting Jinki up. “And a strong one at that,” he said, taking Jinki’s face in his hands and making him look up at him. “It’s fine if you don’t make it the first time, or even the second time. We all have our own pace. But, never doubt, you’ll be just fine. Everything will be fine,” he said with a small smile before kissing the top of Jinki’s head and hugging him tightly.
Jinki let out a shuddered breath and hugged Kibum back, his chubby fingers gripping the fabric of Kibum’s shirt. They stayed like that for a few minutes before leaning back. Kibum patted Jinki’s cheek, making the oldest chuckle. “I feel like a child,” he said ruffling Kibum’s hair in return, making him laugh.
***
It was early in the morning when Jinki woke up to the sound of his alarm. He turned it off with a groan and went to the bathroom to shower. He didn’t know how long he had been in there but, when he came out, Jonghyun was already at the kitchen table eating breakfast.
Jinki jerked back a bit and became unmoving. He didn’t know if the second oldest knew he was there, since he had his back turned to him, but he still took a few seconds. Breathing in deeply, Jinki walked in the kitchen and greeted Jonghyun. Looking up from his food, Jonghyun smiled at Jinki and nodded towards the other plate on the table.
“I made breakfast,” he said with a lazy smile.
Jinki looked at the plate and smiled, thanking him as he sat down on the other end of the table. Silence took over as he began to eat but remain hyper aware of Jonghyun’s every movement.
“Did you sleep well?” Jonghyun asked after finishing his food, watching the other eat.
He nodded. “Yeah, I took some sleeping pills.”
“Ah, I should have done the same,” he said with a small chuckle making Jinki look up against his will.
Watching Jonghyun smile so early in the morning, his face still puffy from sleep, did things to Jinki’s heart he didn’t want to think about. “Did you sleep well?”
“Not as much as I wanted to sleep but better than nothing,” he said with a shrug.
Jinki frowned at that. “You should see a doctor.”
Shaking his head, “Nah, its fine,” he said as he put his elbow on the table and rested his head on his palm. “By the way, hyung,” he said making Jinki look up at him again from his food. “How did it go yesterday?”
Jinki felt his heart drop, not knowing what to say. Jonghyun, along with Taemin, were the only two members that didn’t know what was fully going on and he had no intention in letting him know. He didn’t know if to tell him everything was fine, when all of them had obviously noticed his behavior, or if to tell him part of the truth.
Jonghyun waited patiently for him to gather up his thoughts, he was always so patient and understanding. He was looking at Jinki as casual as he could, even if an undertone of worry was shining through in his eyes. It was obvious he didn’t want to pressure Jinki and would accept any answer the older man gave him but still wanted to know.
It took Jinki a few more seconds before he cleared his throat. “Honestly? It could have gone better.”
Jinki felt bad by the genuine surprised Jonghyun showed by his answer. At that moment, Jinki understood Jonghyun knew he was keeping him in the dark compared to the other Kibum and Minho.
“How so?” he asked after composing himself, hopeful that the other would open up to him. In truth, Jonghyun was a little jealous of the fact that Kibum was on whom Jinki counted the most. He wanted to be their leader’s pillar of support as well because, aside from being their leader, he was like a brother to them all.
Jinki looked down at his plate, moving the food around with his fork. “I, kinda, freaked out, when it was my turn to talk…”
Jonghyun frowned at that, not liking the image of his hyung freaking out or panicking without any of them there to help him pull through. He could see the shame in Jinki’s hunch shoulders and decided that look didn’t suit him at all.
Standing up, Jonghyun walked up to Jinki and stood behind the older man. Jinki felt his heart beat against his throat and, for a second, feared that Jonghyun could hear it. He felt Jonghyun’s arms wrap around him from behind and tightened as he rested his head on Jinki’s shoulder.
They stayed like that for a long while, Jonghyun holding Jinki tightly and Jinki holding his breath. He was so overwhelmed, excited yet afraid, happy yet sad by the cruel realization of the truth. Jonghyun was only consoling a friend, not a lover.
“You’re awesome, hyung. Maybe this time wasn’t the right moment for you to talk about it. But, I promise you, the time will come when we’ll look back to this as a faraway memory.” He said, tightening his hold and bumping his head affectionately with Jinki’s. “You’ll see.”
Jinki closed his eyes and swallowed thickly before nodding. His mind was in a bliss of hot whiteness as Jonghyun’s warmth imprinted on his own skin. He didn’t believe he would be able to concentrate on anything else for the rest of the day.
“Thank you, Jong.”
Jonghyun sighed before retracting himself from the hold he had Jinki on, only to step to the side and smile at him. Jinki though his heart was about to stop.
“Thank you for trusting in me,” he said with a squeeze of Jinki’s shoulder.
Jinki blinked a few times before nodding.
Before he had to say anything, their manager arrived, announcing the van was ready. Jinki nodded and stood up to follow the man out before he heard Jonghyun speak again. “But you didn’t finish eating,” he said with a frown.
“It’s fine. We’ll stop for coffee, right?” he said, looking back at the man that was already by the door.
“Yeah, sure. Let’s go,” he said before exiting the dorm.
Jonghyun pouted at that but quickly gave in, “Fine. See you later, hyung.” He said, smiling brightly at Jinki as he waved at him.
Jinki stood there for a second, taking in Jonghyun’s smile before nodding, too. “Yeah. Bye.”
***
As Jinki entered the institute for his second day of group therapy, he forced himself to keep calm. During the whole ride he had been thinking about Jonghyun and their conversation that morning. He could still hear Jonghyun’s softly spoken words beside his ear and the cares of his breath on his cheek. And, even though it was cold outside, he could still feel Jonghyun’s body heat on his body.
He knew he shouldn’t be thinking about those things when he was trying to get over his feeling for the younger man. It was defeating its purpose. But it wasn’t like he did it consciously. He didn’t even notice he was thinking about Jonghyun and drowning the sweet memory he had of that morning with him so close to his body, holding him so gently and tenderly, until he arrived at the hospital.
Now, he stood in the waiting room with some of the other patients for their group therapy. He became, much like the day before, paranoid of other people’s eyes. He could feel eyes on him all the time but he dared not look up and investigate if it they were real or not.
His manager sat beside him, handing him over the coffee he just bought at the coffee machine. Jinki took it with both hands and thanked him.
“I’ll wait until they call you in. I’ll make sure to be back before you get out, too, so don’t worry about that,” he said and received a small nod from Jinki. “Look, I know you’re troubled about all this, even scared, but remember that there’s nothing to fear. This is a safe place so don’t hold back in there, okay?” he said, patting Jinki’s shoulder in a way that reminded him of Jonghyun that morning.
“Yeah,” he said softly, still not convinced.
“Give it your best shot. The faster you open up, the faster it’ll all be done,” he said.
Jinki nodded once more before looking up as a nurse came in calling for his group to head inside. The manager gave him, what he believed to be, an encouraging smile before he left for the therapy session.
***
When it came his turn to talk about what he felt, he became rigid, eyes flying from one corner of the room to the next. This time, there was no mistaking that all eyes were on him. He was afraid of his predicament getting into the media.
Most people there were having just as much a hard time as him, maybe even worse, so he should stop thinking that they were desperately waiting for him to spill the beans and gossip about it. Maybe one or two were, he could see the interest in their eyes, but it was against their policy and law to do so. The fact that no one knew he was going to a psychiatric hospital for depression up till that day was a little encouraging. Also, he knew he owed the other members the best of his efforts to get better. However, the fear never went away.
“Hi, umm, my names Lee Jinki and I’m here bec-”
“Could you speak a bit louder, Mr. Lee?” the therapist said with a small smile. Jinki’s words were coming out awkward and almost inaudible.
Nodding stiffly, Jinki took a deep breath as he tried to control the hammering of his heart inside his ribcage. “I’m here because I’ve been depressed.”
“I’m happy you could share that with us today,” he said with what seemed like a proud look. Jinki felt a bit better about himself. “Have you thought about why you feel depressed?”
Jinki nodded again.
“Would you care to share with us?” he asked, clasping his hands together on his lap. “We are all here to help each other with our problems and remember that we are not alone, so don’t be afraid to speak honestly.”
Looking down at his hands, his fingers wringing on his shirt, as he collected his thoughts and tried to form coherent sentences. “I fell in love with someone I shouldn’t have…” He said, his voice shaky with nervousness and thoughts of Jonghyun. “They’re my best friend, like family and I-” he stopped to prevent a sob escaping from his throat. He felt so pathetic. Who fell in love and became depressed by that fact? He was a complete joke, an embarrassment.
The therapist nodded, “It’s alright, take your time.”
Jinki shook his head and let it hang not being able to face anyone at the room. People there were facing real problems, real situations that have driven them to the same wall he’s up against. Yet, here he was, almost crying over falling in love.
“It’s so dumb, I know…” he said softly, still not looking up.
“There are no dumb reasons to feel sad, Mr. Lee. Your emotions are as valid as anyone else’s. And we are here to help you cope with your situation and remind you all,” he said as he looked around the room, “that many people go through similar situations. You’ll be able to pull through as long as you give it your all, okay?” He received a collection of nods before he turned back to Jinki. “You left early yesterday so, we would like it if you would let us hear more about what troubles you.”
Jinki looked up and saw encouragement from the therapist and some of the other patients, empathy clear in their eyes. He decided it was worth giving it a shot. And, he came to realize that, once he started talking, everything felt much easier. Making him feel a bit weightless by whatever tension he had been carrying with him for all those months.