Considerate, or Doormat.... YOU DECIDE!

[adventdragon]

Okay so last saturday I went over to play Magic with Jae's friends Sergio and Nigel.  We had a good time, and Jae or his relationship was not discussed by either me or them.  All we did was play cards and have fun

Comments

[whswhs]

I don't think it's decent to, in effect, tell your friends, "You have to choose whether to be friends with me or with my ex." I've dealt more than once with having two people who both gamed with me break up and have trouble being together; I've respected their wish not to be in the same game, but if one of them had made it a loyalty test where I couldn't be friends with both of them, I would have told them, "Okay, I'll miss you." And it's worse when it's a demand made on the ex, and not on the friends, who have a right to decide such things for themselves-what if some of them would actually like to go on seeing something of you? One of chorale's and my really good friends is someone we met through an established friend, and went on seeing after they broke up and after things fell apart with the earlier friend.

Even viewing the matter charitably I have to say it sounds awfully immature of Jae. I'm sorry you have to deal with this sort of unreasonable demand.

[adventdragon]

Well...Jae IS 24, and he's a bit of a control freak. He has to have everyone dance to his tune, or he gets irritated. He admits it, but it doesn't make it any better, or okay. I told him this is what it's about; control. He doesn't have it and it frustrates him. I resent him for asking me to do this, and his friends weren't a fan of the decision either. However, because they hare his friends, they'll respect his wishes. I just feel like a damn punching bag with Jae sometimes. I keep getting socked in the gut, all because I want to do the right thing. When am I going to start doing what is good for me and what is right for me?

[whswhs]

Well, if his friends are willing to go along with that sort of crap, I don't suppose there's much you can do about it. A shame, though.

[kiltcheck]

I'm with whswhs on this one, and have the same reaction. It is not his place to tell others what to do or how to behave. This is infantile, Cartman-esque behavior. That decision should be up to your friends. And if someone were to do that to me (which they've done), I tell that person goodbye. whswhs are 100% in agreement here. In fact, I went through this kind of situation and I'm amicable with everyone involved. Nobody's going to dictate to me who I can or cannot associate with out of my own freedom of choice.

Sadly, it seems you were the doormat to put it in your terms.

And you don't have to accept that situation as final. There's still time to say, "you know what, I'm sorry you don't like it Jae, but this isn't about you. My friendship and association with ___ has nothing to do with you. This is between me and ___, and we can make our own decisions, thanks." But then, that's me -- and that's actually a pretty nice and respectful way of saying it. He still won't like it, but you're no longer dating. He'll get over it.

[esprix]

Control freak is right. That's a bunch of bullshit, and I'm glad his friends know it, too.

Drop him like a hot rock. You dated a child, and you don't need another one in your life. In this instance, I encourage your cut-and-run tendencies for your own sake.

[buddykat]

Agreed. In addition to being a control freak, he sounds very insecure. Eventually his friends will get sick of his crap, and drop *him*. Probably after he dates someone who is already a mutual friend and then dumps them and tries the same thing to get them to stop hanging out.

I also agree with whswhs, if one of my friends tried that on me, well, I'd accept that they weren't really a good friend to begin with and drop them.

[esprix]

I learned that lesson last year - nobody asked anybody to take sides, but some people clearly did, and when I didn't get chosen, I dumped them and moved on. Sad, but c'est la vie.