Boyfriend of 2-1/2 Years Lying About and Hiding Messages to His Ex... Advice???
My boyfriend and I live together and have been in a serious relationship for over 2-1/2 years. He's 25 (26 next month) and I'm 24. The past several months have probably been some of the best we've had together and we've both been very happy, but something happened this past Saturday that has led me to reconsider everything:
Saturday, he was checking his e-mail with me right there. I noticed when he was deleting his emails that one of them was a myspace notice letting him know that his ex girlfriend (though it used her name) had sent him a message. He deleted it without saying anything... I guess thinking or hoping I didn't have time to notice. Normally, he would've clicked on it. After he was finished and not looking, I got on. I know it's wrong to invade privacy, but I really wanted to know what was going on and I wasn't sure he'd be honest with me. I logged onto his myspace account to check out the message. According to the message, he had first contacted her about two weeks prior (on the day that I left for a week long trip with his family for a reunion - he couldn't go because he's in an academy to become a firefighter) and they had responded back and forth a couple times. He had also deleted his inbox, outbox, and trash, with the exception of this message - which he hadn't read yet and which had the last several messages they sent. The messages were innocent enough, but the fact that he went out of his way to hide it from me really bothered me.
I also realized that it was the only one of his usual websites that he hadn't gotten on around me since I've been back. We normally have no problem checking our email, when the other one is around. His ex has been a problem throughout our relationship with trying to contact him. (She cheated on him during their 3 year relationship, then broke up with him over 3-1/2 years ago for another guy - she used him twice since then within that 1st year, before I met him - later they tried to be friends shortly after we started dating - he ended up having to cut contact with her because it was clear that she was after more: she'd flirt and try showing up when she thought I wasn't there. She's tried calling, texting, and adding him on myspace several times since - even after she'd gotten married - but he'd ignored her). I know she's not a threat, at least not anytime soon I guess (She recently became military and is out of the country, which is stated on her status). It makes me wonder if he's really over her (she was his first) and he swears that he is - I don't see any reason why he wouldn't be by now (after everything she did to him, how long it's been, and since he has me - he could've gotten back with her a while ago on several occasions if he wanted, and - I know it might not be a good reason to admit, but - she's gotten a lot uglier and sluttier since she left him and he's become more attractive and successful - he'd also talked to her since, before cutting contact, to get closure on things).
I also found it unsettling, because a week after they made contact (I was on my way back from the trip) and a week before my recent discovery he had gotten mad at me for mentioning that I was irritated with my ex's girlfriends for trying to befriend me online and I asked him how I should try to put a stop to it. He told me to ignore them, but I told him that that obviously hadn't been working and that there was no reason they should be trying to since my ex and I had been separated for several years and that we had only ever talked on the phone to handle our divorce and settle things (and I never hid it or lied about it) - no other contact (I left my ex because I realized when we moved in together that he was constantly lying about and hiding things - though on a greater scale - and I found out that he had cheated on me with several women during our 5-year relationship, so I really just want him out of my life completely). My boyfriend said that he didn't want to hear my ex's name and that he never mentions his ex (which isn't true - he has, mostly when people bring her up though) and that he hadn't even talked her in over a year (which I thought was true). It became a big argument and he later admitted that he was just in a bad mood. It bothers me though, because he clearly lied and he volunteered that lie on his own - then got angry at me even though he was secretly talking to his ex online. I really believe that he has never cheated, but this sort of behavior sends up flags to me that he may be more prone to in the future.
I was really upset, but I let myself calm down and approached him about it. I told him that I had seen the message he deleted in his email from her and asked him about it. He told me that she had contacted him to see how he was - lie. I told him that I had gotten on his myspace and I told him what I found. He apologized and admitted that he had contacted her out of curiosity and didn't tell me because he didn't want me to get upset. I told him that I was more upset that he was sneaky about it and that he hid and lied about it (this is something that is not acceptable for me - I've told him in the past that I'd rather him be honest, even if it would upset me, and that I'd get over it). We went back and forth and ended up arguing for a while. He told me that it was his private business and he would do what he wanted and started to twist it around like it was my fault. I told him that it was in no way my fault and I stopped and took a little time to think. I told him that was fine if he wanted to continue hiding and lying about things, but that I couldn't be in a relationship where I couldn't trust the other person, regardless of how I felt about that person. I told him that I've never lied to him about anything like that and I've never given him a reason to not trust me, and that I believe that I deserve someone who is going to return that trust. I don't want to have to worry about things like that. He's ended up saying that it wasn't worth losing me, that he really loved me, that he was sorry, and that he would never lie or hide things like that again. I told him that I would still need to think about it more and that if I did decide to stay that I would leave without question if I ever caught him lying or hiding anything major like that again. He's been really sweet since and is clearly putting in the effort to fix things, but I'm still uncomfortable with the whole situation. I really do want to spend my life with him and aside from situations like this one he's a great guy. I'm just very apprehensive after catching him lying and hiding things major things on at least a few different occasions.
It's not the first time he's lied about and hidden big things and promised not to do it, but it is the first time I've told him that I've seriously considered leaving because of it. We had problems a while back (over a year ago) with him having and hiding inappropriate conversations with a female coworker about things like sex (I'd find out because his friends would mention it or he'd accidentally slip something), for example, and he even asked her once if she would she go out with him if he were single (we were going through a rough patch and he told me about it without really thinking it through, thinking that her reaction would prove that she was a nice girl - she had a reputation as a major flirt - she responded with "but you do and she's a great girl"). This time it bothers me more, because we weren't having any major problems. I don't believe it made it acceptable then either, but it was easier to understand.
I have no problem with him having female friends (he has several) and I'm actually very trusting (I don't like being jealous or probing and that's a major reason why I expect honesty). I'm not going to be overly trusting though (I've made that mistake in the past and found that it enabled). His career field requires him to work 24 hour shifts, sometimes with overtime, and in a co-ed environment. I realize that he's going to have easy opportunities to mess around and that there's nothing I can really do except be open with my concerns and communicate with him, but I want to know that I can trust him and I don't want to invest time in a relationship if this behavior is going to continue. I'm just very apprehensive and I'm not sure how to handle the situation. I don't have anyone else to go to for advice on this. I hope that he will discontinue the dishonest and sneaky behavior altogether (it's never been a frequent occurrence), but if he doesn't I'm sure he'll go through even greater lengths to hide it now. I was serious about leaving him if I ever catch him again, but I'm not sure if I'm handling this correctly or if there is anything else I should consider. Any advice would be greatly appreciated!!